kyburg: (Default)

Okay, what kinds of trigger warnings do you need?  Probably should just slap them on me, I just don’t notice either the damage or the triggers anymore and my mouth gets away from me

A kid who lost her father young tries to explain why it really sucks, no really it does and the predictable fracas plays out in a public space.

I just lost my mother earlier this year - she was essentially ninety, had lived a long and incredibly full life and I have no regrets whatsoever about her passing.

But she had survived my father by 47 years.

He was 46 years old when he died, and I would be 31 before I got a complete answer on what had killed him. (That’s a story for another day.)

I was 6. What’s that like.

That’s birthday parties and summer vacations.

Father/Daughter dances, Girl Scout promotions, camp outs and bike rides.

Tumbleweed forts, treehouses, and school plays.

Catching moths, field mice and toads. Finding preying mantis’ of every color from straw to purple.

Endless skits, pranks, piano recitals and bad jokes.

School newspapers all through elementary, high school and college, internships, making the Dean’s List, graduations and first jobs.

Bad prose and worse poetry entered into scholarship contests.

Meeting someone, falling in love and getting married.

Comparing adventures as you go have them.

Marching through the days until death parts you from them.

Doing it all again, and wondering how you got so lucky.

All of that gone. With one mistake.

A lifetime missed - name it, and it was.

Foofy dresses and blue jeans with little regard to gender.

Hamburger gravy for breakfast like Dad did in the Air Force during WWII. (Too. MUCH. PEPPER. ACK.)

Listening to stories told by other people instead of knowing them for yourself.

Looking for newspaper clippings and photographs taken by other people.

Wondering how much you look like him when everyone keeps telling you that you resemble your mother and you don’t see it.

Knowing you inherited his allergies and some of the orthopedics and wondering what else you got.

Finding other people willing to do the things a male parent would with you (some roles just didn’t translate in the seventies), and failing most of the time - so you don’t do them and you’re the only one stayed home.

Knowing you have no idea what to do with a Dad, even if you had one.

You always hear about fictional characters who lose their mothers, but very few who lost fathers - and fatherless daughters, not at all.

I really feel for Frances, I can’t help it. FWIW, it’s incredibly short-sighted to wish for the “cool factor” being famous and dead would provide, and maybe it’s harsh to call it out for what it is - self-serving egocentricity - but it’s one hell of an education to be the kid who lost a parent that way, and if I can share the useful parts of that education, I believe I must. Or at least try.

It’s impossible to be gentle when you do.

You get what everyone gets. You get a life. And dammit, it is ALWAYS a great time to be alive.

Don’t you ever forget it.

kyburg: (wonder)
Got a text from Jim earlier today - his boss, the *other* lead tech?

Has had a massive, hemorrhagic stroke and is in ICU.

Yes, he just went to the funeral for the other one less than three weeks ago, who died of liver failure post Hep-C/liver transplant.

Neither of these men are retirement age, far from it.

Light the good stuff. Leave the good sake out for Coyote. Say a prayer.

It is what it is, and all that.

(My Mom? Still alive, still in the hospital. But improving. Her nurse that I spoke to at lunch? Tells me she has this one - 'she's one of us, and you know what that means.' Oh hell to the yes I do. We. Won't. Mess. Gotcha.)

I am sobbing inside for Jim. This is going to absolutely gut him.
kyburg: (wonder)
Got a text from Jim earlier today - his boss, the *other* lead tech?

Has had a massive, hemorrhagic stroke and is in ICU.

Yes, he just went to the funeral for the other one less than three weeks ago, who died of liver failure post Hep-C/liver transplant.

Neither of these men are retirement age, far from it.

Light the good stuff. Leave the good sake out for Coyote. Say a prayer.

It is what it is, and all that.

(My Mom? Still alive, still in the hospital. But improving. Her nurse that I spoke to at lunch? Tells me she has this one - 'she's one of us, and you know what that means.' Oh hell to the yes I do. We. Won't. Mess. Gotcha.)

I am sobbing inside for Jim. This is going to absolutely gut him.
kyburg: (wonder)
Got a text from Jim earlier today - his boss, the *other* lead tech?

Has had a massive, hemorrhagic stroke and is in ICU.

Yes, he just went to the funeral for the other one less than three weeks ago, who died of liver failure post Hep-C/liver transplant.

Neither of these men are retirement age, far from it.

Light the good stuff. Leave the good sake out for Coyote. Say a prayer.

It is what it is, and all that.

(My Mom? Still alive, still in the hospital. But improving. Her nurse that I spoke to at lunch? Tells me she has this one - 'she's one of us, and you know what that means.' Oh hell to the yes I do. We. Won't. Mess. Gotcha.)

I am sobbing inside for Jim. This is going to absolutely gut him.
kyburg: (grief)
Like most people, I didn't like hearing Steve Jobs had passed. 56 is way too young for anyone to thrown out of this game, and particularly when you are this good at it? Ridiculous. Apple has more money in it than Enron ever did, the products it makes are everywhere and who would question what Jobs did with Disney after Eisner? I mean, really.

The ubiquitous quote taken from that Commencement speech he gave at Stanford in 2005, you know the one - "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."

Wow, that's a great speech. Wonder what the rest of it was like -

"...Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true."

Well, then.

Then the reports of the child labor abuses...that are actually worse this year over last...from factories making Apple products. Known problems, had been known for quite some time it would appear.

I hadn't known he was an adoptee - I also hadn't known he was a paternity denier as well. What I do know is that this was a very private person - for good reason. If you're going to be your own person, and damn the torpedoes - you're not going to please everyone.

But to imply that everyone gets old and useless and be grateful Death will get rid of all that?

Is it schadenfreude to note that he stopped working only a few weeks before he died? That he got a really good lesson in Death stealing a vibrant, successful lifespan before he was kicked out of it? I hope so.

Death is a damn thief, at any age. Aging beyond egocentricity isn't wrong. You have the right to follow your heart at any part of your lifespan, not just at the start of it.

So noted by the widow of a electrical electronic engineer who programmed for Voyager at 14 - and died at 36.

Bah.
kyburg: (grief)
Like most people, I didn't like hearing Steve Jobs had passed. 56 is way too young for anyone to thrown out of this game, and particularly when you are this good at it? Ridiculous. Apple has more money in it than Enron ever did, the products it makes are everywhere and who would question what Jobs did with Disney after Eisner? I mean, really.

The ubiquitous quote taken from that Commencement speech he gave at Stanford in 2005, you know the one - "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."

Wow, that's a great speech. Wonder what the rest of it was like -

"...Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true."

Well, then.

Then the reports of the child labor abuses...that are actually worse this year over last...from factories making Apple products. Known problems, had been known for quite some time it would appear.

I hadn't known he was an adoptee - I also hadn't known he was a paternity denier as well. What I do know is that this was a very private person - for good reason. If you're going to be your own person, and damn the torpedoes - you're not going to please everyone.

But to imply that everyone gets old and useless and be grateful Death will get rid of all that?

Is it schadenfreude to note that he stopped working only a few weeks before he died? That he got a really good lesson in Death stealing a vibrant, successful lifespan before he was kicked out of it? I hope so.

Death is a damn thief, at any age. Aging beyond egocentricity isn't wrong. You have the right to follow your heart at any part of your lifespan, not just at the start of it.

So noted by the widow of a electrical electronic engineer who programmed for Voyager at 14 - and died at 36.

Bah.
kyburg: (grief)
Like most people, I didn't like hearing Steve Jobs had passed. 56 is way too young for anyone to thrown out of this game, and particularly when you are this good at it? Ridiculous. Apple has more money in it than Enron ever did, the products it makes are everywhere and who would question what Jobs did with Disney after Eisner? I mean, really.

The ubiquitous quote taken from that Commencement speech he gave at Stanford in 2005, you know the one - "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."

Wow, that's a great speech. Wonder what the rest of it was like -

"...Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true."

Well, then.

Then the reports of the child labor abuses...that are actually worse this year over last...from factories making Apple products. Known problems, had been known for quite some time it would appear.

I hadn't known he was an adoptee - I also hadn't known he was a paternity denier as well. What I do know is that this was a very private person - for good reason. If you're going to be your own person, and damn the torpedoes - you're not going to please everyone.

But to imply that everyone gets old and useless and be grateful Death will get rid of all that?

Is it schadenfreude to note that he stopped working only a few weeks before he died? That he got a really good lesson in Death stealing a vibrant, successful lifespan before he was kicked out of it? I hope so.

Death is a damn thief, at any age. Aging beyond egocentricity isn't wrong. You have the right to follow your heart at any part of your lifespan, not just at the start of it.

So noted by the widow of a electrical electronic engineer who programmed for Voyager at 14 - and died at 36.

Bah.
kyburg: (ebil)
I really enjoy my religious social club. (Can't call it church, people tend to run the other way you call it that.) It's fun, I get strokes for doing what I do every day - and I don't have to sweat sitting talking about stuff because I might get called names for it.

The pastor they'd had for 15 years resigned less than six months after I started with them. Just as we're about ready to call our new pastor?

Interim gave her notice this morning. She's been with us over a year. It's fair, it's to be expected - and we really are (as a group) far more ready for her to move on than we think...

And I may have to drag this whole group to the next step with the bit in my teeth. They are NOT going to be happy another pastor has moved on and left them to struggle on their own.

Grrr. Guess it's a good thing I can grow horns and a tail at need. Gonna need them.
kyburg: (ebil)
I really enjoy my religious social club. (Can't call it church, people tend to run the other way you call it that.) It's fun, I get strokes for doing what I do every day - and I don't have to sweat sitting talking about stuff because I might get called names for it.

The pastor they'd had for 15 years resigned less than six months after I started with them. Just as we're about ready to call our new pastor?

Interim gave her notice this morning. She's been with us over a year. It's fair, it's to be expected - and we really are (as a group) far more ready for her to move on than we think...

And I may have to drag this whole group to the next step with the bit in my teeth. They are NOT going to be happy another pastor has moved on and left them to struggle on their own.

Grrr. Guess it's a good thing I can grow horns and a tail at need. Gonna need them.
kyburg: (ebil)
I really enjoy my religious social club. (Can't call it church, people tend to run the other way you call it that.) It's fun, I get strokes for doing what I do every day - and I don't have to sweat sitting talking about stuff because I might get called names for it.

The pastor they'd had for 15 years resigned less than six months after I started with them. Just as we're about ready to call our new pastor?

Interim gave her notice this morning. She's been with us over a year. It's fair, it's to be expected - and we really are (as a group) far more ready for her to move on than we think...

And I may have to drag this whole group to the next step with the bit in my teeth. They are NOT going to be happy another pastor has moved on and left them to struggle on their own.

Grrr. Guess it's a good thing I can grow horns and a tail at need. Gonna need them.
kyburg: (aging well)
She's gone. Passed quietly after being removed from life support last Wednesday - I couldn't ask for more.

Marian Kelly, 80 - and my friend for over 35 years.

I just hope I remember as much as she forgot - and remember to be as Good as she always was to everything.

Donate anything to the ASPCA (or just be kind to any animals you meet) near you.

*closes the book*
kyburg: (aging well)
She's gone. Passed quietly after being removed from life support last Wednesday - I couldn't ask for more.

Marian Kelly, 80 - and my friend for over 35 years.

I just hope I remember as much as she forgot - and remember to be as Good as she always was to everything.

Donate anything to the ASPCA (or just be kind to any animals you meet) near you.

*closes the book*
kyburg: (aging well)
She's gone. Passed quietly after being removed from life support last Wednesday - I couldn't ask for more.

Marian Kelly, 80 - and my friend for over 35 years.

I just hope I remember as much as she forgot - and remember to be as Good as she always was to everything.

Donate anything to the ASPCA (or just be kind to any animals you meet) near you.

*closes the book*

...

May. 4th, 2011 10:50 am
kyburg: (grief)
Bah.

It's not waiting for a sword to fall on my head. It's waiting for which one of the swords to fall on my head.

Disliking this intensely.

Oh, well. Nobody asked me.

...

May. 4th, 2011 10:50 am
kyburg: (grief)
Bah.

It's not waiting for a sword to fall on my head. It's waiting for which one of the swords to fall on my head.

Disliking this intensely.

Oh, well. Nobody asked me.

...

May. 4th, 2011 10:50 am
kyburg: (grief)
Bah.

It's not waiting for a sword to fall on my head. It's waiting for which one of the swords to fall on my head.

Disliking this intensely.

Oh, well. Nobody asked me.

Atta girls.

May. 3rd, 2011 11:13 am
kyburg: (grief)
I'm hearing back from quarters who got the news from others. It's a comfort that the news is getting out, she wasn't forgotten by everyone and so on.

In other news, my own mother's status remains precarious. The pattern of boom and bust continues, folks. It's either SO AWESOME I can't do it all or SO SUCKY ALL AT ONCE I can't see the sun.

I would like very much to shotgun a bunch of anime right now. Alcohol optional.

Atta girls.

May. 3rd, 2011 11:13 am
kyburg: (grief)
I'm hearing back from quarters who got the news from others. It's a comfort that the news is getting out, she wasn't forgotten by everyone and so on.

In other news, my own mother's status remains precarious. The pattern of boom and bust continues, folks. It's either SO AWESOME I can't do it all or SO SUCKY ALL AT ONCE I can't see the sun.

I would like very much to shotgun a bunch of anime right now. Alcohol optional.

Atta girls.

May. 3rd, 2011 11:13 am
kyburg: (grief)
I'm hearing back from quarters who got the news from others. It's a comfort that the news is getting out, she wasn't forgotten by everyone and so on.

In other news, my own mother's status remains precarious. The pattern of boom and bust continues, folks. It's either SO AWESOME I can't do it all or SO SUCKY ALL AT ONCE I can't see the sun.

I would like very much to shotgun a bunch of anime right now. Alcohol optional.

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