A moment about bullying.

[kyburg]

It's been all over the place lately - at least, it's getting more attention than I'm used to, even if it's after the fact. After someone has died. Again.

I think I can count on both hands the number of young children and teens the number of deaths reported - bemoaned - and documented to a fare-thee-well in the media lately, and not have many fingers left over.

This is to the good. It's not just you. It NEVER was just you, and if you're still alive to read this, you found a way through. Somehow.

But the children are still dead, and it was not just one incidence of abuse that sent them to take their own lives. Often, it went on - well-known to the legitimate authorities - for years. Days into months into years, and that's what infuriates me. (Does it not anyone?)

Those of us who found our way - remember.

I'll be blunt - I'm one of those who was a very easy target. Up to the age of 8 or so, I'd lived seven miles away from town, in one of five houses where I knew every person who lived in them. And they adored me, and I adored them. (One family moved out briefly, and I was molested by one of the boys in the family that rented the house during that span, but they came back, the icky family left, and my old friends came back with a new last name. I'd tried to tell on the guy, but I only got as far as 'you don't hate anyone' with Mom and that was the end of that. No why. You just don't. Got it.)

Then Dad died. And we moved. Into a neighborhood that had been built post WWII as tract homes, and there were few spaces inbetween them. All of a sudden, I wasn't getting on a bus to go to school with a handful of kids...I walked to it, surrounded by them. And they knew where I lived.

Third grade, I remember chasing the boys when they poked fun at me by going 'ewwww' and taking steps backward. Okay, then. I can play that game. The girls just snubbed me. I liked bugs and frogs or something too much. (I found one of the boys on Facebook recently - and was amazed at what he remembered about me. 'Didn't take crap from anyone.' Mrrr?)

Fourth grade, I had a cadre of boys who made my life miserable. And some of my older sister's 'friends' (She was far more able to co-opt her way into be popular by being mean to others. It worked. Blame her? For what? Survival?) did much the same.

About that time, the first really nasty depressive issue showed its head (I told you I had things on my chart that would make me a really good candidate - PTSD in today's vernacular being a big one) and I became 'special' - as in 'damaged goods weirdo kid.' Shit, I knew. Didn't help, but I knew what they thought.

It was easier to spend time with the adults in the classrooms and library during recess, to be blunt.

Fifth and sixth grades saw me playing by myself on the playgrounds not being used by the younger grades. I'm not sticking around to entertain you - I can go entertain myself just fine, thanks.

Cried the last day of school one year because I knew I'd be coming back in the fall, three months later. Don't tell me kids have no concept of time.

Seventh grade, I was put into a middle school six miles away from home, with no bus. It an hour to get home, sometimes more. And about this time, there stopped being food to pack for lunches. And no money or programs for school lunches. I don't think I'd eat lunch again until I was in college. That was MY responsibility, of course. If I didn't pack something, I deserved to go without. Nevermind there might have been bread, but no peanut butter or anything else you could make a sandwich with...fruit? What? Everything was frozen in the freezer, if you could figure out how to cook a roast - and then pack it in a paper sack. Somehow.

Share lunch with a friend? What friends? I didn't trust anyone enough to attempt the idea.

I got pushed into puddles if anyone noticed me at all. I spent a lot of time in the library - except our librarian got hepatitis and took an extended leave of absence. Yes, I noticed.

Junior high. No lunch. No friends (I actually tried to have a birthday party turning 13. I had to cancel it due to lack of interest. ONE person - who was sufficiently shocked at the cancellation - wanted to come. Last time I ever tried to have one. No, really.) I took typing so that I could stop handwriting things nobody could read. Then took up residence in the typing rooms in the library and began writing stories.

And I cheated on the bus. Yup. Even further away from home (12 miles was the boundary, I was at 11.75) I was expected to walk it daily. I found out where the bus left off half a mile away from home and audited it. I got home first the day the house burned down because of that.

The place we stayed while the house was rebuilt? Back out in the middle of nowhere and nobody begrudged me the bus the rest of that year.

But did I ever feel safe enough approaching my peers? Nope. I suspect Sis had a hand in some of it (hey, how would you like to be part of a family with such a trial and burden...no food, no nothings in it?) but when you get sent off for in-depth psychiatric evaluations your sophomore year, it's clear YOU are the problem.

Sis was brutal. She wanted NOTHING to do with me, and was outright mean to me. She was in drama...and what the $#@!% was I doing there? I embarrassed her by simply existing!

To this day, I avoid any profession that would overlap hers in any way. I don't need it.

I stayed in the typing room in the library, and wrote. I was editor of the school newspaper and aced everything that was associated with writing (hell, I was put on independent study for English because I got through the class list too fast) but was put in the lowest class in math. Just get her through and get her out of here.

One day a boy asked if he could walk me home. I didn't mind, he was a perfect gentlemen and when I got home, I was teased mercilessly about it. Poor guy. I did my best to not encourage him without hurting his feelings and eventually, he stopped.

I didn't do prom. None of the sock hops, dances or whathaveyou. Never cast in a school play. Yay high school. I hated my teens.

When most of my friends were boys, Mom was sure I was doing them. When it was made clear I wasn't? I was gay. You tell me how you win that argument. Guess what I did. NOTHING.

I don't like attention. I'd like to be accomplished, but damn if I want to be noticed. Noticed is not a good thing. Getting married to Jim? Crap. Just let me be married - I don't need to be this year's Princess At The Altar. People tend to pick at you over who you invited, what you're wearing or who made your cake. I don't need it. (I have a larger post to do on my healthy discomfort with weddings. That's another day.)

But if you try to bully me now? I'll ruin you. Once I got out of the house, earned my own way and bought my own lunches? I've never looked back.

Had to confront a bully my last year of college. I won.

Found out what was REALLY at the bottom of the depressive issues? NEVER AGAIN. (And so it has been.)

For so many years...I believed them. With nothing else to base my decision on, I just took it in that I was weird, quirky, stuck-up, boring...and those are the nice things...and they didn't want me around.

I'm very good at spending long periods of time alone. It was better than what I would have gotten at the hands of my peers, which included my sister. To this day, I don't trust women. At all. Would like to do something about that, but so far? No luck. (Don't take it personally.)

What would I do for the kids who killed themselves? If I'd known?

There's no way. No, really. Try me sometime. I have no trouble making life miserable for the people who allow this stuff to continue. Kid's immediately out of there - and I can STAND on your last nerve - go ahead, call a cop - until I get what I want, and what I want is an END, visible and real, to the issue.

Fearful? Maybe. At some point. It's lazy work to simply say 'don't let them get to you.' (Ultimately? When they're gone, and you're still here? It IS your responsibility to put it in perspective....) But so help me? Physical issues? If ever I found about some place where it happened...I don't think I would be gentle. Meek, or quiet.

That got me through when nobody would stand up for me. Today, I'll be the person I wanted then. Needed then - and didn't have.

If I know about it. *sighs* I really dislike hearing these stories because I never got a chance to do anything about it - and someone else has died.

There's always a way out - and that is through. Dead is forever. And a completely unacceptable solution...let me tell you more about a better one.

Kid's coming up on five, and I can see some of the beginnings of trying to navigate socially in a group trying to make everything 'fit' into where things belong, including people. Pink and purple is for everyone, not just girls - and if someone teases you, get LOUD (get the teacher? No, you get loud and the teacher gets you!), don't hit. And don't call people names, I don't care what they are. It's rude and not nice. So it goes.

There's always a way. Come here and I tell you how I did it. I'm still here, right?

Comments

[elorie.livejournal.com]

I react badly to any attempt to push or control me even though these days I am strong and fierce and grownup.

It's hard to watch your kid go through it. I took mine out of school for two years because the school admins weren't doing much and he was starting to show signs of depression and anxiety...so I just homeschooled him for a while. Now he's back in school and things are better.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I am grateful daily for the resources I have to hand with regard to education.

Where I grew up? One school, period. That's your choice.

[callibr8]

Where I grew up? One school, period. That's your choice.

You too, huh? Good for you for figuring out the half-mile trick. Expecting a child to walk over 20 miles daily to and from school is insane. I know my stepkids couldn't possibly manage that. Sheesh!

[vampireanneke.livejournal.com]

Didn't realize you had an abusive older sister like me. My was abit more abusive, but the name calling, etc... I can relate.

Ofcourse I have a very different view on Suicide from alot of people. I have complete respect for anyone who suicides, I may not understand it, but for them it was the only way. The level of pain they had to put up with to get to that point not many could handle. If there was another way, they would have taken it. As you said you went to the library (I did that to), but then you got tracked to the library and tormented there, or you have your mother putting you into a double jeopardy situation, what do you do? You get sent to they psycologist and YOU are the problem. Oh I've been there. I hate the situation that is so bad that it breaks a person.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I learned how to lock doors. *evil grins* And I can be very, very absent at need.

[vampireanneke.livejournal.com]

I locked the door to my bedroom, my sister unscrewed the door handle. I had to barracade my door, and even then she would try and break through the barracade, I was lucky she didn't figure out till much later that it was easier to just break a window and come in that way.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

My mother would have had kittens had Sis tried that. What Sis could get away with out of the house was one thing.

Try it at home, and the results were NOT pleasant at all.

[taiki.livejournal.com]

I wonder the number of depressed and suicidal adults who are that way because of bullying as a youth? Those numbers are hard to find, I'd imagine. :/

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I think it's been expressed as a symptom because it's so prevalent - not the depression, but that you're getting bullied.

The fact that you can't cope with it is proof something is wrong with you. *facesmacks*

Thankfully, I think the thinking on this issue is changing. You don't blame the victim - the victim isn't going to be able to stop anything. Appropriate action is dealing with the person DOING the bullying.

Let people start crunching the numbers - it's hard to do in a health care system like ours where there's little documentation on who uses the system and who doesn't.

[taiki.livejournal.com]

Uuuuuuuuuuugh. wtf.

seems kind of obvious that if you're a kid and you're repeatedly bullied and beaten down physically and emotionally that would be the cause of the resulting symptoms and effects later in life. *facepalm*.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

And if you're just patted on the head and 'poor you-d' you never learn anything.

We all get here the same way. Knowing you deserve as much as the next guy? Incredible stuff. Just don't be a dick.

[n6vfp.livejournal.com]

My stepson Tyler was an easy target,blond hair, blue eyes, but he had something to help him. He learned the martial arts, not just the mechanics of it but the self control. He learned from his master to respect his elders and to never fight or hit in anger. I got a call one day, he was in the school office, he was in 2nd grade, seems a bully an some of his buddies tried to hit him, he blocked. The bully tried to hit his friend, he blocked that blow. Two or three kids tried to beat him up and he just tossed them aside, using their energy against them. He grew up an honor student, respected by his teachers, and played football in high school. The principles and discipline he learned in 5 years of martial arts really shaped his character. After the incident at school, he and his friend (Korean-American) did a lunchtime demonstration under the direction of his master, where they broke boards, and concrete walkway tiles with their bare hands, no one ever confronted or bullied him again.

Martial arts was the best money I spent on giving him a head start in life. He went as far as red belt by the time I divorced his mom, but I stayed in touch through his father. A very fine young man.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

*nods* I'm pretty sure we're going to end up in a dojo at some point, because it's apparent kid got some training early at the hands of his foster family.

I just have to keep telling him it's inappropriate out of class, and he's not in any class right now.

I'll rethink it after his birthday. Seriously.

[n6vfp.livejournal.com]

After about a year of martial arts, the teachers in Kindergarten commented that when the assembled the for any activity, Tyler and his buddy would be sitting there waiting, while the other kids ran around and misbehaved. Tyler started at 4 years old and his mom took the class with him.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

In my neighborhood, I have to be careful because it's a real profit center, not necessarily a good educational opportunity. Soon. Just not yet.

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

Finding a good martial arts place is important. My sister's boys have benefited from gymnastics and track in a similar way; the discipline and athletics require learning about handling disappoint and recognizing fairness.

[ionotter.livejournal.com]

THIS-THIS-THIS-THIS!!!!11010

My personal experience with my bullies taught me that martial arts teachers have testosterone poisoning, and they pass it on to their students.

That little turd had every intention of kicking me in the head. He got a running start, leaped into the air and did a full-on kick to my face. Fortunately, I backed up and he fell short, but he still left his sneaker-print on my forearm. To give you an idea, his entire body was level with my chest.

Be very careful which teacher you pick. Listen to your instincts.

[lesliepear.livejournal.com]

Our friend's son is almost to a black belt in Tai Kwan Do. He's 8, very big for his age - looks like he's about 10-11 but extremely gentle and mellow. It seems to be quite good for him and he loves it.

[drlaurac.livejournal.com]

WOW!
I also was bullied as a child in various ways, and what you have expressed here, just wow.
This experience is going to benefit your kid seriously.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Oh, daycare already knows I'm a force of nature. Believe it.

[violet-tigress1.livejournal.com]

It's lazy work to simply say 'don't let them get to you.'

Yep. Lazy, unhelpful, dismissive & hurtful.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

And useless. In the end - totally useless.

[sirena73]

I've been kind of sitting here, knowing I want to comment on this but not really in the space of wording it correctly. The best I can do is say thank you for posting this on behalf of a misfit kid who was bullied from second grade until I finally got into independent study in 11th grade.

Thank you.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

The current news stories are useful - but. Too often after the fact, once the child is dead.

That's waaaay too late, you ask me. Here's proof.

[amanda-nye.livejournal.com]

Amazing props for even being able to talk to your family after that.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I'm the nice one. And I usually have my guard way up. ^^

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Also, I might add that people grow up - and can change for the better.

My sister's profession is counseling people at the end of their lives - she does social work for hospice.

It's a start. I can't think of many more emotionally brutal jobs, to be blunt.

[ragani.livejournal.com]

I can relate on so many levels to what you are saying here. I am lucky that, even though my older brother did not like even acknowledging having a little sister, he was never as downright evil as it sounds like your sister strived for. I have come to realize that as an adult I still have some issues with him, but mostly we get along. I was also lucky to have a mother that was easier to talk to about these kinds of things, and had some of her own not fitting in as a child issues so she could relate.

I remember in first grade deciding that I did not want to have kids because I did not want my child to go through the receiving end of the bullying, like I was dealing with, or find out that they were the child doing the bullying. Now that I have committed to having a child, I know I will keep that in mind as she grows up and try my best to empower her to being able to handle those kinds of situations on her own. And I know it will not be an easy task to do. I hope she does not end up picking up my baggage along with my wisdom.

Thank you for sharing your story.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Knowlege is power. Knowing WHAT to do when confronted with a situation? Priceless.

Not knowing you have a choice? Crushing, and you never even know it is.

[yasha-chan.livejournal.com]

There's always that sense of "personal responsibility" people like to tout when they're victim blaming, especially in these situations. If you can't deal with the heat, get out of the kitchen, etc. It's easier to blame someone for being "too weak" to handle abuse and feeling like they have nowhere else to turn to.

I want to do something for others, too, for many of the same reasons. No one deserves to be there and feel that way.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I'd like to know what a child below the age of reason is supposed to know about personal responsibility...because you know?

That's where it starts.

*shakes head* Lazy, lazy work, you ask me.

[yasha-chan.livejournal.com]

It's more comfortable to say that the individual is flawed, not the system. We're still in the dark ages where everything bad that happens to people is THEIR FAULT and they totally deserve it having done... something.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

"The only thing evil needs to flourish is for good men to do nothing."

Oh, I tell. Do I.

[ionotter.livejournal.com]

I had a lot of thoughts going through my head after reading this.

Part of me feels blinding rage, a coiled monster that wants to grab the bully by the hair and mash their heads into the locker until there's nothing left but paste and bent metal.

But 3 years of therapy have changed me a great deal.

I started deconstructing that sentence, going back over my experiences, judging how "bad" they were, and comparing them with my feelings then and now. And I realized that back then, it hurt? But it wasn't that bad. I "got through", as you put it. I had a LOT of help to get me through, so I wasn't alone. I had support of all kinds.

So this blinding anger I feel is something new.

My perceptions of my past are being colored by my current situation, which has, in turn, prompted me to examine my current situation in more detail. To find the source of my anger, and determine why it's so strong.

And to decide if it is something real and genuine, that can be addressed? Or if it's just my nature as an Enthusiastic Over-Reactor showing through.

In thinking about it before hitting the "post comment" button, it's the latter. I did get hurt back then, but not that badly. I can heal if I allow it to happen. But for that to happen, I need to remain aware of my "buttons", and the things that push them.

So please! Keep pushing them. This post has actually helped me to heal a little more.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

*nods* *bows*

It's always good to have a plan. And believe me, some of the thoughts crossing my mind have had plenty of people flying into swimming pools lately.

Little crack fantasies and all that. ^^

(Nice on recognizing when you're working on bad juju, dude. Good on ya.)

[peachtales.livejournal.com]

Greetings from another previously bullied girl.

All of it was my fault, of course, including when my 4-6th grade teacher was picking on me and admitted as much to my dad. She rationalized as "helping me succeed" when she made fun of me in front of class and made me do work she didn't make anyone else do. What about the kids who bullied me? Yep, plenty of those. For a while I stole money to buy candy so I could keep them off my back. Nope, that didn't work out too well either.

And what about a completely unexpected episode at a mall a month or so ago, when 7 overgrown male infants (they all appeared to be around age 25 or so) hurled abuse at me for no good reason at all? Or the fact that once I got into my car I followed one of theirs around the parking lot for a while? Not sure what I would have done if they had stopped.

I really want to know why kids always get blamed for being bullied. "Let it just slide off and don't let it bother you." is not helpful advice. Still isn't today.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I tell. Swear to God, the experiences I had growing up have made me the loudest, nastiest tattletale you ever met.

Oh, I'll tell. Believe it. And if the first person doesn't hear me, I just march right up the food chain until I'm heard.

[turandot.livejournal.com]

You'd be happy to know that many schools now have anti-bullying curricula. It's not simply about telling a "victim" (they don't even use that word in the literature) about who to get for help, it's about telling the kids who are bystanders to speak up for others. Of course some kids think it's funny and don't take it seriously, but at least the teachers and administrators do so. I know for a fact that when I work with kids and we are on a playground, I walk around the playground instead of sitting on a bench far away and talking to the other teachers. You'd be surprised how that eliminates a lot of opportunities for a bully to strike.

I know that as a teacher, I always come down hard on the bully. It feels like I have the stock phrases "it is never, ever okay to say that to anyone, and if I hear you say that again I am talking to your mother about it", and "How would you feel if I hit you like that?" (obviously, for legal reasons, I can't demonstrate it, but the kids don't have to know that) memorized. I've also told kids who seemed to be targets to come tell me, because reporting bullying is not tattling, it's just asking for help.

The problem is that there is some bullying that as a teacher you can do stuff about (the physical kind, the harsh mean words), and other types you can't do much about. In the latter category there's the whole viciousness of "you can't play with us". I have "forced" (as in "if Billy can't play this game, then I am not allowing anyone to play it, do you understand?") kids to open up their playground activities to everyone, but even when they reluctantly do so, the message that you're not wanted and we're only playing with you because we've gotta is already out there. =[

And yeah, I'd always tell an adolescent to speak up for him/herself instead of ignoring stuff, because speaking up works better. I remember my junior year of high school there was this girl who I hardly knew that had taken to harassing me every time she saw me in the bathroom. We're talking physical stuff, and humiliating at that. I think she sort of targeted me because I was one of the ESL kids, and she figured even if I wanted to tell someone, how was I going to tell? One day, instead of getting upset about it and trying to avoid her as other kids had suggested I do, I told her "Go ahead, do whatever, it's not going to change the fact that you're an idiot who has nothing better to do. I don't know what your problem is, but obviously being a bitch makes you feel better about yourself." Her accomplice ended up laughing at that and going "It's true, you are kind of a bitch". That really got to her, and the bullying stopped afterward. Sure, she'd dart looks that clearly intended to kill for the rest of the year, but she let me use the bathroom in peace, and that was all I wanted.

It's definitely not a solution for younger students, though, because speaking up for yourself works best when you can control your own emotions, and many young kids definitely cannot, which is where involving the silent bystander works. If other kids are able to say to the bully "Hey you are being mean to [kid], and you're not supposed to do that kind of stuff." at least the kid who is being bullied knows s/he has allies, and the bully knows s/he is being watched. It does a lot to de-escalate the situation.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I tend to talk from the back of the room, too. ^^

What tends to surprise me the most these days is that people actually SEE me. I've had people wish me a nice day more than once this week - total strangers - who only made eye contact and smiled back. (I've got a running game with my friend Rey of 'let's make someone's day' - I always smile at total strangers if I make eye contact. That's one of the best way to make easy points, so to speak.)

I'm also a firm believer that people continue to do what they get rewarded for, good or bad. If you don't reward bad behavior, it tends to end rather quickly.

I think it's part of the experimentation portion of developing brains - and kids innate desire to put people into 'where they belong' which also equates to 'where I belong in relation to' - what we need to teach is that you can do that without being a jerk.

[turandot.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of it at the initial level of kids learning to socialize is about the adults showing the kind of reaction you're supposed to have to kids who don't quite fit.

When I was student teaching in a kindergarten class, we had 2 student teachers, 1 homeroom teacher, and 23 children (far too many for one adult to handle if you ask me). Johnny (not his real name) was different, very clearly so. Since his mom never did take his teacher's pleas to have him seen by a pediatric specialist seriously, I never did know what exactly was wrong. Best case scenario he might suffer from Asperger's. Worst case scenario it was that and ADHD. Johnny needed an aide to work with him one on one, but without a diagnosis, the school district would not provide one.

The teacher tried to be patient with Johnny, but sometimes he became impossible to handle, and went from being quiet and almost preternaturally calm to having full out tantrums. The other kids could tell there was something very wrong there. They started taunting him and excluding him, and he was not socially cognitive enough to understand it was happening. They always blamed him for problems, even when it was clear he had nothing to do with them. Pointing out that would get a retort like "but Johnny always ruins everything anyway". His passiveness encouraged that kind of behavior. It was heartbreaking.

One day, the other student teacher asked our coordinator (i.e., the university professor who was overseeing our training) "What can I do? Asking them to stop doesn't work". The coordinator's answer was "Maybe you need to openly model the kind of behavior you want the kids to have toward Johnny."

Armed with this idea, the other student teacher did something unexpected one day. Johnny was running around having a tantrum.instead of following him around trying to contain him, she went up to him and gave him a hug! Given the kind of kid Johnny was, it was a big gamble. It paid off: it caught him by surprise so much that he didn't have time to react to it. The other kids were puzzled, and one of them asked openly: "Ms. Randall, why did you do that?".

"Well, I wanted to tell Johnny how much I like him. Every day with Johnny is like an adventure, and I like that. Don't you feel the same way?".
"Yeah, you're right. Can I give him a hug too?".
"Well, I'm not sure that Johnny wants to be hugged all day, but you can show him you like him in other ways. You could ask him to sit by you at lunch, and you could ask him to play with you at recess."

The kids were kinder and gentler with Johnny the rest of the day. The classroom teacher was so impressed with it that she started doing the same thing herself, whereas before she'd just roll her eyes and tell the kids to just keep working on their activities and to ignore Johnny (they had gotten too good at it, if you ask me). Soon the kids stopped seeing Johnny as a constant disruption, and started seeing him as an interesting phenomenon. Later in the year, I decided to visit that classroom again (I missed the kids), and the other kids told me at least once "Oh Johnny doesn't always do what you want him to do, but it's okay, we like him anyway." I was very proud of them.

The classroom teacher was a veteran teacher, but sometimes even the best teacher can be too busy with all the other demands teachers must meet to remember that kindness and acceptance in kids shouldn't just be taught with words, but also with gestures. But it pays to remember that if you want others to accept someone, you can't go wrong in showing them instead of telling them.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

There's a saying I've been told that when everything else fails, try nurturing. Love the stuffing out of them.

That said - good instincts. That also said? Looks like the teaching moment wasn't wasted for anyone there.