kyburg | Not cool -

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Not cool -

If you know me for very long, you'll find out one thing quickly.

I hate secrets. Just below my hatred for liars.

No, really. Secrets - the ones you REALLY have to keep - annoy me. They're work, and I really attempt to keep them to a minimum. The barest of minimums.

There are always the things that must be kept close to the chest. But those things that really can be spared, should.

The fact I hated your hot dish at the last potluck isn't one of the things I need to keep secret. Really really.

Just don't combine gummy bears and pork again and we'll be fine.

This tends to make me blunt to the point of painful, but it's easier than having too many secrets.

The problem today with this?

I have something wounding me to the quick that would benefit from being shared. Problem is, the audience that could help with this is very small to non-existant.

And I have to remember to curb myself - I could discuss it freely, but most people can't get the perspective.

Yeah, it's THAT again. Even here, I sense it.

You want kids? You have them. You don't want them? You won't understand why the lack is so disturbing.

Of course I have other things on my schedule of things to do - but today, I'm having to stop myself from kicking every time I think of something new. "It's just something else to do because you don't have a family to do other things with."

I could go back to school. I could spend hours writing in the evenings and weekends. Take up dance again. Sew, knit, crochet a whole store full of things. See the world, hell - I've got three countries on the list this year already.

I did that already. I've done it for years already - and as I said last night, my forties are looking just like my thirties and I'm feeling stuck here until I'm eighty, with no progress into something More.

Wounded a bit, I'd say.

So who do you talk to? I'm tired of the pity. It does nothing, except confirm that yeah, I'm SOL - it's not my imagination.

And frankly, people get tired of you and issues if you harp on it too much.

So. It remains a secret. Everything is fine, really - if you think about it. And I flatly refuse to feel sorry for myself.

But I'm a little sore around the edges. Don't worry, it'll pass.

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We used to do family friendly stuff before we had Alan, but it was going to be more fun with a child.

We got VERY lucky to have Alan without medical help. But I could have been in your shoes, so I think I understand.

(HUGS)

I don't think you're harping, and I'm not tired of listening to you. I also don't think it's a bid for pity. It's a chronic loss.

I'm 50. I'm post-menopausal. Charlie had genetic reasons to avoid having children, so we did. I loved him immensely and do not regret for one instant the years we spent together. I do regret the lack of children. It's done, it's over. I teach and spoil my nieces and nephews. It's an old scar. I don't pick at it, but now and then it aches.

*huge hug*

If you ever need someone vent to, I'm BouncyDJ on AIM.

The fact I hated your hot dish at the last potluck isn't one of the things I need to keep secret. Really really. Just don't combine gummy bears and pork again and we'll be fine.

Hope my cooking isn't that bad! *grin*

You want kids? You have them. You don't want them? You won't understand why the lack is so disturbing.

*big hugs* You can talk to ME! Seriously, I wonder about this issue myself, but I'm way behind you in the decision-making process (both because I'm older and because I haven't done The Daddy Procurement Process yet). I have the unsettling feeling that I'm going to be doing a lot of scab-picking for the rest of my life. And it's guaranteed that I shall never have nieces and nephews to spoil and pamper, because the siblings who could conceive such nieces and nephews were never born.

(See, I can do self-pity really well! *grimace*)

Too bad

latelifeparents isn't more active. There's another LJ community called

clucky, which has the subtitle "Help! My body wants a baby!" The thing is, a lot of

clucky members are barely old enough to vote, let alone rent a car in their own names.

I can't claim to know how you feel, and nothing I say can change anything. But I do hope you feel better, and soon. *cookiesandchocolate*

*hugs*
feel better soon.

It's just me, my husband and 4 cats here. No kids for us. I get to be alone all day while he is at work and ponder the purpose of my existence. It has been a blast! *rolls eyes* After a long time of feeling worthless without children and wanting to gouge out the eyes of family and "friends" who asked "when are you two going to have kids?", I started to feel better. I am okay without kids. Maybe I'm just lying to myself?

comfortqueen.com has helped me a lot.

You'll probably hate me for saying it, but I feel your pain. Technically I'm not there with you yet: I still have the possibility of children. But not having children even if they might be in the cards later sucks in and of itself. It aches the most, I think, when you're in an otherwise happy couple and wonder openly and frequently what a child of both would look like. I ache to see the result, to the point of despair. Quite often lately, perhaps because my mom already had two and wanted no more by the time she was my age. I expect that it would hurt a thousand times more to have to say "maybe never" instead of "maybe someday", so you have every right to talk about it if you want to, since it's your journal.

Myself, I'm waiting for the right time, and the right place in life to have children. People say you can never plan enough to have children, or that you can't possibly find yourself financially ready for every possibility. But damn it if I will refuse to have children until I know I would be able to support them all by myself, even if I won't have to.

It's a point of pride, and I sometimes suspect friends who already have children refrain from telling me they truly believe that I'll pay for that pride sometime later in my life. Still, I stubbornly go on, even as some days I'd love to have children already. It's not impossible that someday I might find myself saying "It's not fair: I was responsible, I waited until I was ready to have children, and now it's too late??? WTF!?!?", too.

So there.

Just one question, purely out of curiosity: did you always want to have children? I mean, you were planning on it and looking forward to it eventually?

Good luck. WE're cheering for you.

*laughs*

Yeah, pretty much always. I can remember being 9 or so, and playing with the 1 year old across the street (and the older brother and sister being 5 and 7 years old) - and being the youngest member of my generation, I've had plenty of experience with babies and young children - my older siblings and cousin's.

A bit of nervousness at times, you bet. But if I was ever intimidated by a kid thing, I bulled my way through it and asked for direction.

Planning and aware I needed to get on with it for last twenty years. Just about every single day (okay, when? Now? No? Okay. Okay, when? Now? No? Gr. Okay. Repeat.)

Wow, that's awesome. I've never really wanted children or babies - I mean, I love visiting with my friends' kids, and all, but you know - so the desire for parenthood is pretty alien to me.

Still, even an ignoramus can say it totally sucks that you have such motivation for this really important dream, and something as stupid as b0rked body bits gets in the way. RRRGH >:(

Rant and rave all you want. We are here for you.

harp away. Really it's ok. I didn't have em until I was 37 and having kids was all I thought about from about 32 on.

Sometimes you HAVE to talk/write things to death. You just have to. I believe that for myself truly. I'm sure people are sick of my angst over the mean people and considering a move to f'ville, but they are important and painful and have to be explored in detail before any sort of relief /understanding can be achieved.
My .02 from way too many years of therapy anyway.

Getting pregnant was always easy for me - maybe too easy - until it came time for #4, when I was just into my forties. That one took 18 months to conceive - not long as measured against lots of otherfolks, I know, but for me, given the history, it seemed like forever.. I was beginning to believe we had waited too long, and I know how much that hurt, even with the three I had, so I can only guess how much you (and Jim) are hurting now. No, this isn't pity - just me saying that you can talk about it whenever you want, and anyone who doesn't want to hear can just bloddy well change the channel. As someone else said, it's your journal.

I hear you loud and clear.

You know how much I want kids with Charles. You know - as few others do - the variety of complicating factors going into that.

Yah. I know to a fair extent what you're going through, because I may well be going through the same. And then I'll have to get my mother a license plate frame that says "Ask me about my granddogs". (She has grandkids, but not from me.)

It may be that the only kids we have are the four-legged furry variety. In that case, I expect I'll be doing a lot of work in the years to come with Big Brothers/Big Sisters.

I'm not tired of listening. I don't offer pity, only empathy, and energy if you want it.

We don't have children and we won't. Every now and again, I feel a twinge but overall, it doesn't bother me. However, I vowed that if it ever did, I'd adopt. There are tons of kids who really need a loving parent and a good home. Even if adoption doesn't suit, there's fostering, mentoring. I'm sure you've pondered this, but just wanted to remind you that there are always options. :-)

I don't want kids, and never have. Recently I found out why my 'wiring' was non-maternal, which made my lack of desire for kids understandable. But I catch hell from relatives for letting my family line 'die out' because I did not reproduce, nor did my sister or brother.

*shrug* I can understand the yearning, although I cannot experience it myself. I don't have any depth perception either, so I accept that some people can see 'three-d'. I can't.

I'm your age, but I don't feel 'stuck'. I've just been presented with a possible mortality issue that has made my boring old forties suddenly not quite as boring. I will make the best of what is left of my life, as I know you will. I send you all the best wishes for success if you conceive, and comfort if you do not. Just please raise a decent human being, not a monster.

"people get tired of you and issues if you harp on it too much."

That sounds like all of the complaining I've been doing lately...I'm sure people are tired of me.

Honey, friends listen to friends whether we can help or not, we can always listen and care.

*bearhugs*

When I was in my early twenties, three different doctors told me that I would probably never have children. Guess God had other ideas because he blessed me with five, eventually. But for the time I believed I would be childless, I was heartbroken.

I won't say I know how you feel; I don't think anyone ever knows how someone else feels. But I do have some understanding. It may seem these days that all I ever do is complain about the child I have, in fact it doesn't just seem that way, it is that way. I really need to work on that. But I remember so clearly how I felt when I thought I'd never have a child, what you say about your forties feeling like your thirties, and being stuck forever really rings a bell (except it was twenties and thirties for me). It was like a raw wound and I couldn't imagine how I was going to live with it if it didn't go away.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at here. I just wanted to say something, you know? I hope it happens for you, I really do. And if not, I hope you figure out how it is you live with that.

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