Rocks fall, everyone dies -

[kyburg]

I don't know, but I'm sure other people have some verbal traditions within their families when it comes to dealing with certain subjects. These two parables have been told quite freely from time to time. Have you ever heard them?

A sparrow, lost and separated from its flock during the fall migration, gets stranded alone during an early snowstorm where he can't see or hear where he is, thrown to the ground he was - buried in the snow. Soon, he's going to freeze to death, he's so cold!

What he doesn't know, is that he's in a pasture full of dairy cows. Trying to free himself from the clot of snow he's fallen into, a cow walks over him - and as luck would have it, dumps a load on top of him.

It's smelly, awful - and warm! Able to free himself from the manure, he sings out of pure joy of being able to see where he is and warm enough to know he's going to be okay!

Hearing the bird singing, a local fox steals quickly into the pasture, frees him from his stinky situation...and gobbles him up.

MORAL: Someone who takes a dump on you isn't always doing it out of malice; and someone who notices you making a racket because you're in shit and gets you out of it, isn't always doing you a favor.

The other?

There once was a boy with a terrible temper. After being lectured by his father over fights picked with his brothers, sisters, friends and schoolmates, he is taken to the backyard with its white picket fence. His father has brought a bag of nails and a hammer.

"For every time you've lost your temper with another person, hammer a nail into this fence." Doing as he was told, there was shortly a neat row of three-penny nails hammered into the fence.

"Now son. For each time you've apologized for losing your temper, remove the nail." Again, for he was at heart a good child, he removed each nail.

"See what you've left behind?" said the father, pointing towards the fence. For there was indeed a very nice, neat row of holes where the nails had been. "That is the harm you've done with your temper that can't be undone. What you've done to your reputation, their feelings, their trust...things that can't be unmade again. Remember this the next time you want to take out your frustrations on someone with your temper. And find another way, instead."



Seriously, what's the deal with considering a vicious temper to be a character asset?

Both genders, to be certain - but stop me if you haven't heard this one lately:

"Nobody takes advantage of me. They'll find out very quickly I'm not going to be taken lightly - "

And then you get the laundry list. What they're going to say (and how), what they'll do (with what) and when - just because that made them angry.

Cliff once taught me a beautiful lesson about people who routinely lost their tempers. You let them. They want to stomp off, threaten never to talk to you again and so forth? You let them.

You let them - and pay absolutely no attention to them as they do whatever it is they threaten to do. Once they figure out it has no power over your decision making process, they usually calm down, notice they've made a colossal ass of themselves, apologize and come back to the table. (At least, the ones who learn from their mistakes do. The ones who can't admit they make mistakes are often the ones who use more insanely angry actions to justify the ones they shouldn't have used in the first place!)

You can also decide that you don't want to deal with the emotional instability and blackmail any longer, and walk. Nice guy's revenge. (Hey, remember those holes in the fence? Nobody has to forgive you for those, y'know. They also don't have to keep coming back for more of the same.)

You allow them to teach themselves the folly of trying to use their emotions against others. (And never underestimate the power of a stubborn, dispassionate Swiss.)

Cliff was also a big proponent of doing what he called "making your argument." You never go up against someone in a dispute unless you are dead certain you can win the argument in sheer cold reality. Losing your temper? You've instantly lost your cool, and lost your argument in the bargain because you've come off as an immature child Only children lose their tempers, after all, because they haven't learned better. If you can't make your argument, keep your mouth shut. Can't present your argument without losing your temper? You've lost before you've begun. Try again when you've gotten a grip. Seriously.

Most of the time, if I go over the facts in a matter to try and make an argument against it - and can't - it's very easy to come down from an irritated position before getting really angry. It's also possible to see the other side of things without having to admit defeat in a public contest of wills.

Another thing he told me was to remove all emotion from the thought processes when building your argument. You don't have a dispute simply because you are hurt, angry, upset, whatever. You have disputes because things are out of whack - and cause frictions, which lead to hurt feelings, whatever. You resolve the imbalances...you're responsible for your own feelings. Keep them out of it. Deal with the real problems. Your simple being out of joint is not the Real Problem.

It didn't take a lot of tries before I found out myself how effective this was. (You want a prime example? Via theferret, here's one. Didn't even have to look far for it.)

I don't hold my anger more valuable than my wisdom, after all. Also, I'm not insecure enough to instantly, angrily, defend myself if anyone wants to correct me. I can be wrong - hell, I can be dead wrong at times. I know it - you know it. So what's the big deal?

You want to try to make me angry? Well, you can try. I'm afraid if I start laughing, you might take a swing at me.

I've had a lot of years of teaching to help me deal with my temper. Doesn't mean I don't have one - and it's deadly. Both Jim and I have the irrational, raging tempers of neglected children - but both of us have had a lot of training to minimize the damage and gain control over ourselves. Jim's 6'4" and everything is at the surface with him - these days, you get a glimpse of the temper he had before he came out to live with me when he gets frustrated with video games. Just a hint, mind.

In his case, it cost him jobs - real jobs - and kept him from having a very happy life, to be blunt. You'll hear about anger management courses, and how they are often court-ordered for rage-related crimes. He can tell you - and will anytime you ask him - they work, as he took them by choice. You are often taught a lot of things you never got at home, and often, completely opposite of what you did get at home. You want to find those courses, you have to follow the path people court-ordered to take the classes have to take, but they're there and often a bargain compared to most therapy hours, because they are often court-ordered. It didn't take very long for him - six months, I think. Getting the strokes from the changes he made only hastened the process - he applied what he'd been taught, and all of a sudden, the jobs lasted longer...were more fulfilling, and more plentiful. Relations improved with family members, he made friends and gained trust far, far more easily.

For all of that work - he says I have a bigger temper than he does. He very well may be right. Family calls me "the nuke" - because if I truly get angry and take action, very little is left standing. The scary part is these days, I don't even raise my voice. You see my anger in actions - not words, threats or tantrums. What surprises me still is that I fool nobody. If I'm angry, people know it - even when I haven't been very 'traditional' about showing it.

Suffice it to say, "the nuke" is rarely used. In fact, I don't think anyone truly deserves to get "nuked," if you get the meaning. After all, gaining control over one's temper - isn't that a mark of your maturity? Your ability to co-exist with others successfully? (Even when they've done something you really, REALLY don't like?)

I mean, sitting behind your barriers hissing and spitting like a wet cat hardly makes sense, when you can come out, share a bit and get a lot in return. Cooperation is cheaper than aggression, trust me on this one. The side benefits can't be beat, either. I've lost jobs with my temper too; friends as well. It's not worth it.

I hear you, I hear you. "Trust issues."

Remember the lesson of the kitten and the mirror. You know, the one where the kitten fluffs itself up to three times its size, hisses and dances at its own reflection, thinking there was Another Kitten threatening it?

And in reality, there was nothing to fear at all?

Relax.

Yeah, you lose your temper, you look like an ass. You don't look threatening, intelligent, strong, intimidating - none of that. (Yes, you. Everyone looks like a real idiot when they lose it. You're not special. Neither am I. Moving on.)

You've also made your point (but not your argument). That you can't be reasoned with on the same level. Someone has to step down to yours.

Anger is an emotion, like pain, like joy - it isn't fuel. It isn't memory. It isn't intellect. Matter of fact, it is one of the quickest emotions to leave - if you let it. It's like fire, true - but you know what they say about fire - "good servant, poor master." And if you cut off the fuel to a fire, you know what happens? It goes out.

It isn't an asset.

People who let their tempers master them? I've seen them do a lot of damage very quickly that can't be undone. "Rocks fall, everyone DIES!"

Your temper is not the last resort before the rubber meets the road - it's an early warning system, designed to alert you to "gotcha" things. For it to be considered a personality trait?

I guess I'm supposed to accept it as a "quirk" and mark it for future reference. *shakes head sadly*

No. I won't do that. That's an insult, to you. (Wow, I can recognize insults without losing my temper? Yeah.) It makes the assumption you're incapable of gaining mastery over yourself. Flawed. Permanently defective. Uh, no.

Again, what I do - not what TO do. My temper has gotten me into it - it's never gotten me OUT of it.

Don't burn the bridge if you want to cross it later. Losing your temper shows ignorance of the potentials of a win/win situation. You win when you make your argument, not when you lash out at your opponent in anger.

Remember your impact on others.

"Friends" who indulge your tantrums? Aren't doing you any favors. The person who comes along and tells you to cool it, might be. The person who is willing to listen dispassionately about what bugs you, without having to share in your angry feelings? Cherish them.

You get the world you ask for. In this, like so many other things - and if Cliff was anything, he was as fair as he could humanly be. That's how he approached the world, and in return - the world he dealt with, approached him in much the same fashion, as far as it was possible.

So. I try to be fair. That's a legitimate choice, isn't it?

As I was taught, so I try to do - as they say, no system ever created is immune from needing improvement. And so it goes.

Be good to each other, neh?