Rocks fall, everyone dies -

[kyburg]

I don't know, but I'm sure other people have some verbal traditions within their families when it comes to dealing with certain subjects. These two parables have been told quite freely from time to time. Have you ever heard them?

A sparrow, lost and separated from its flock during the fall migration, gets stranded alone during an early snowstorm where he can't see or hear where he is, thrown to the ground he was - buried in the snow. Soon, he's going to freeze to death, he's so cold!

What he doesn't know, is that he's in a pasture full of dairy cows. Trying to free himself from the clot of snow he's fallen into, a cow walks over him - and as luck would have it, dumps a load on top of him.

It's smelly, awful - and warm! Able to free himself from the manure, he sings out of pure joy of being able to see where he is and warm enough to know he's going to be okay!

Hearing the bird singing, a local fox steals quickly into the pasture, frees him from his stinky situation...and gobbles him up.

MORAL: Someone who takes a dump on you isn't always doing it out of malice; and someone who notices you making a racket because you're in shit and gets you out of it, isn't always doing you a favor.

The other?

There once was a boy with a terrible temper. After being lectured by his father over fights picked with his brothers, sisters, friends and schoolmates, he is taken to the backyard with its white picket fence. His father has brought a bag of nails and a hammer.

"For every time you've lost your temper with another person, hammer a nail into this fence." Doing as he was told, there was shortly a neat row of three-penny nails hammered into the fence.

"Now son. For each time you've apologized for losing your temper, remove the nail." Again, for he was at heart a good child, he removed each nail.

"See what you've left behind?" said the father, pointing towards the fence. For there was indeed a very nice, neat row of holes where the nails had been. "That is the harm you've done with your temper that can't be undone. What you've done to your reputation, their feelings, their trust...things that can't be unmade again. Remember this the next time you want to take out your frustrations on someone with your temper. And find another way, instead."



Seriously, what's the deal with considering a vicious temper to be a character asset?

Both genders, to be certain - but stop me if you haven't heard this one lately:

"Nobody takes advantage of me. They'll find out very quickly I'm not going to be taken lightly - "

And then you get the laundry list. What they're going to say (and how), what they'll do (with what) and when - just because that made them angry.

Cliff once taught me a beautiful lesson about people who routinely lost their tempers. You let them. They want to stomp off, threaten never to talk to you again and so forth? You let them.

You let them - and pay absolutely no attention to them as they do whatever it is they threaten to do. Once they figure out it has no power over your decision making process, they usually calm down, notice they've made a colossal ass of themselves, apologize and come back to the table. (At least, the ones who learn from their mistakes do. The ones who can't admit they make mistakes are often the ones who use more insanely angry actions to justify the ones they shouldn't have used in the first place!)

You can also decide that you don't want to deal with the emotional instability and blackmail any longer, and walk. Nice guy's revenge. (Hey, remember those holes in the fence? Nobody has to forgive you for those, y'know. They also don't have to keep coming back for more of the same.)

You allow them to teach themselves the folly of trying to use their emotions against others. (And never underestimate the power of a stubborn, dispassionate Swiss.)

Cliff was also a big proponent of doing what he called "making your argument." You never go up against someone in a dispute unless you are dead certain you can win the argument in sheer cold reality. Losing your temper? You've instantly lost your cool, and lost your argument in the bargain because you've come off as an immature child Only children lose their tempers, after all, because they haven't learned better. If you can't make your argument, keep your mouth shut. Can't present your argument without losing your temper? You've lost before you've begun. Try again when you've gotten a grip. Seriously.

Most of the time, if I go over the facts in a matter to try and make an argument against it - and can't - it's very easy to come down from an irritated position before getting really angry. It's also possible to see the other side of things without having to admit defeat in a public contest of wills.

Another thing he told me was to remove all emotion from the thought processes when building your argument. You don't have a dispute simply because you are hurt, angry, upset, whatever. You have disputes because things are out of whack - and cause frictions, which lead to hurt feelings, whatever. You resolve the imbalances...you're responsible for your own feelings. Keep them out of it. Deal with the real problems. Your simple being out of joint is not the Real Problem.

It didn't take a lot of tries before I found out myself how effective this was. (You want a prime example? Via theferret, here's one. Didn't even have to look far for it.)

I don't hold my anger more valuable than my wisdom, after all. Also, I'm not insecure enough to instantly, angrily, defend myself if anyone wants to correct me. I can be wrong - hell, I can be dead wrong at times. I know it - you know it. So what's the big deal?

You want to try to make me angry? Well, you can try. I'm afraid if I start laughing, you might take a swing at me.

I've had a lot of years of teaching to help me deal with my temper. Doesn't mean I don't have one - and it's deadly. Both Jim and I have the irrational, raging tempers of neglected children - but both of us have had a lot of training to minimize the damage and gain control over ourselves. Jim's 6'4" and everything is at the surface with him - these days, you get a glimpse of the temper he had before he came out to live with me when he gets frustrated with video games. Just a hint, mind.

In his case, it cost him jobs - real jobs - and kept him from having a very happy life, to be blunt. You'll hear about anger management courses, and how they are often court-ordered for rage-related crimes. He can tell you - and will anytime you ask him - they work, as he took them by choice. You are often taught a lot of things you never got at home, and often, completely opposite of what you did get at home. You want to find those courses, you have to follow the path people court-ordered to take the classes have to take, but they're there and often a bargain compared to most therapy hours, because they are often court-ordered. It didn't take very long for him - six months, I think. Getting the strokes from the changes he made only hastened the process - he applied what he'd been taught, and all of a sudden, the jobs lasted longer...were more fulfilling, and more plentiful. Relations improved with family members, he made friends and gained trust far, far more easily.

For all of that work - he says I have a bigger temper than he does. He very well may be right. Family calls me "the nuke" - because if I truly get angry and take action, very little is left standing. The scary part is these days, I don't even raise my voice. You see my anger in actions - not words, threats or tantrums. What surprises me still is that I fool nobody. If I'm angry, people know it - even when I haven't been very 'traditional' about showing it.

Suffice it to say, "the nuke" is rarely used. In fact, I don't think anyone truly deserves to get "nuked," if you get the meaning. After all, gaining control over one's temper - isn't that a mark of your maturity? Your ability to co-exist with others successfully? (Even when they've done something you really, REALLY don't like?)

I mean, sitting behind your barriers hissing and spitting like a wet cat hardly makes sense, when you can come out, share a bit and get a lot in return. Cooperation is cheaper than aggression, trust me on this one. The side benefits can't be beat, either. I've lost jobs with my temper too; friends as well. It's not worth it.

I hear you, I hear you. "Trust issues."

Remember the lesson of the kitten and the mirror. You know, the one where the kitten fluffs itself up to three times its size, hisses and dances at its own reflection, thinking there was Another Kitten threatening it?

And in reality, there was nothing to fear at all?

Relax.

Yeah, you lose your temper, you look like an ass. You don't look threatening, intelligent, strong, intimidating - none of that. (Yes, you. Everyone looks like a real idiot when they lose it. You're not special. Neither am I. Moving on.)

You've also made your point (but not your argument). That you can't be reasoned with on the same level. Someone has to step down to yours.

Anger is an emotion, like pain, like joy - it isn't fuel. It isn't memory. It isn't intellect. Matter of fact, it is one of the quickest emotions to leave - if you let it. It's like fire, true - but you know what they say about fire - "good servant, poor master." And if you cut off the fuel to a fire, you know what happens? It goes out.

It isn't an asset.

People who let their tempers master them? I've seen them do a lot of damage very quickly that can't be undone. "Rocks fall, everyone DIES!"

Your temper is not the last resort before the rubber meets the road - it's an early warning system, designed to alert you to "gotcha" things. For it to be considered a personality trait?

I guess I'm supposed to accept it as a "quirk" and mark it for future reference. *shakes head sadly*

No. I won't do that. That's an insult, to you. (Wow, I can recognize insults without losing my temper? Yeah.) It makes the assumption you're incapable of gaining mastery over yourself. Flawed. Permanently defective. Uh, no.

Again, what I do - not what TO do. My temper has gotten me into it - it's never gotten me OUT of it.

Don't burn the bridge if you want to cross it later. Losing your temper shows ignorance of the potentials of a win/win situation. You win when you make your argument, not when you lash out at your opponent in anger.

Remember your impact on others.

"Friends" who indulge your tantrums? Aren't doing you any favors. The person who comes along and tells you to cool it, might be. The person who is willing to listen dispassionately about what bugs you, without having to share in your angry feelings? Cherish them.

You get the world you ask for. In this, like so many other things - and if Cliff was anything, he was as fair as he could humanly be. That's how he approached the world, and in return - the world he dealt with, approached him in much the same fashion, as far as it was possible.

So. I try to be fair. That's a legitimate choice, isn't it?

As I was taught, so I try to do - as they say, no system ever created is immune from needing improvement. And so it goes.

Be good to each other, neh?

Comments

Added this to my memories

[yasha-chan.livejournal.com]

Your post brought up a plethora of good points, ones I'll personally be contemplating for a while. I'm going to share this with a couple other people that I know.

By the by, I'd heard the second exactly as you told it, but the first was somewhat new to me, at least the part about the fox.

Re: Added this to my memories

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

That one came from older brother - it's a keeper, isn't it?

[forestdweller.livejournal.com]

Absolutly brillint, and definitely food for thought. May I re-post a link? I think many of the folk on my friends list would like to read this too.

[jenkitty.livejournal.com]

Second on the re-linking. There's a lot of really good information and insight here.

[(Anonymous)]

A good friend of mine was faced recently with a serious betrayal and the opportunity for revenge (nonviolent, but still powerful). Many of his friends, while advising him, said things like, "I would, but then I'm a raging bitch," or other such statements that indicated pride in being vengeful and retaliating to harm with mutually-assured destruction.

I simply do not see the advantage in "getting them back," in causing great harm because I was caused harm. It does not good. It doesn't alleviate the original pain. Some may see themselves as being part of a greater plan to balance out the karma of the universe, but I think it tips the karma the other way - against you.

But then, maybe I'm just a wussy doormat. I don't know. But I believe that all the sound and fury in the universe still signfies nothing.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

And mutual destruction only works if both sides combust completely at the same time.

Otherwise? A huuuuuuge mess. That's putting it mildly.

[poetpaladin.livejournal.com]

Great article! I wonder what prompted this outpouring of advice?

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

This has been muddling around for weeks turning into a month or so. Most of the time, if you can travel my FL - you'll see time after time someone either sitting there smoldering from the after effects of a flamewar, or beginning one. Most of the time those entries are friends-locked, but not always...because sooner or later, the plaintive cry of "WTF?!" goes up.

Only tool they have is a hammer. I only propose they expand their choices. I had someone show me once - good thing I was a fast learner.

Thanks

[turandot.livejournal.com]

This is food for thought, at least for me. I'm one of the people who may have lost sight of an argument here and there in anger. The only thing is... people who pride themselves on not taking any shit from anyone? I don't get them. It's like priding yourself in lacking patience. I may get angry oftentimes, but I only get angry after I feel the other person just doesn't really care what I might want or need (and being that I'm very timid about setting boundaries, it does cause problems... so I'm working on learning how to state directly what I will and will not tolerate, both to myself and others as needed).

I have buttons, and you learn what those are, it's gonna be mighty tempting to some people to push those buttons. My brother's like that: he sees buttons in people, he pushes. It's his way to let you know he gives a damn. Of course for a long time, especially when we were both growing up, it made for an explosive combination. He'd push, I'd shove back, tempers would flair, anger would set in on my part, hurt on his. We're both better at it now, but it involves both of us putting the brakes on that type of interaction.

As you said, you walk away. It's not just a strategy for the other party, it's one for the angry person too. You close your eyes and count to twenty in your head. That doesn't help, you're still mad as hell, you just walk away, physically if needed. Sometimes, you never walk back. I've had that happen to me, I just had to decide that I couldn't be friends with someone because whether consciously or subconciously they went out of their way to get me upset and angry, and I did not like being pushed into that corner. You only get a limited amount of strikes like that, in my book: if your well being depends on how shitty you can make me feel (because I often feel sorry as soon as I start losing my temper, mind you), then I won't be around you if I don't have to.

Re: Thanks

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

*nods* Don't be there when the blow comes - or cut your losses and scoot. It's not cowardice; it's a very effective method of self-preservation.

[zoethe.livejournal.com]

"Friends" who indulge your tantrums? Aren't doing you any favors.

It took me a long, long time to learn not to be that friend. I was raised to be a peacemaker, and I'm really bad about offering consolation when stony disapproval would be a better choice. But I'm learning!

This is great. Mind if I link to it? (I'll do it tomorrow morning when you are likely to get more readers!)

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Be my guest. I wish I had it in me to do this kind of wordcount on a daily basis.

[foogod.livejournal.com]

Very nice post.

The one thing I would add to that is another lesson about anger that took me far, far too long to learn:

Nobody can be angry and enjoy life at the same time. The very act of being angry inevitably leads to misery for onesself, and no matter what you do to the other person, you won't stop your own life from being torn up by your anger in the process. If you choose to get angry at things other people do, then you are allowing others to make you miserable, and why would anybody want that?

Find a way, any way, to let go of your own anger, and you will be happier for it. And if you're happy, then who cares about those other people and what does or doesn't happen to them? When you're actually able to truly enjoy your life, then petty things like revenge simply don't matter anymore.

Now, everybody who knows me knows I'm not an emotional person. In fact, I suspect a lot of people would tell you I'm the calmest person they know. You can't piss me off if you try. I guarantee you can't. Oh, sure, I'll get frustrated, or maybe a little annoyed, but that's really not the same thing. But what might surprise some people is that I have a temper too. Very few people have ever seen it, especially as I've matured, but it's still there. And if I ever get mad, really actually angry, I can be truly vicious, and I mean scalpel-to-the-heart vicious. I've truly hurt people in lasting ways just with a few words said in real anger. To be honest, the fact that I am actually capable of doing such a thing scares the hell out of me sometimes.

But I'm not as scared as I might be, because I know in my heart that what I said above is true, and with that knowledge comes power over my own anger, and with that power comes a more enjoyable life as well. And that's what's really important.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

*Everyone* has a temper. Everyone. It's not a special skill or a talent. But knowing what place it has in your life, your interactions with others and how much you let it lead you around by the nose - ah, that's the catch.

But nothing could be so true as anger and happiness being mutually exclusive. You'd take steps to stop someone from shutting their hand in a car door - why wouldn't you take steps to lead people away from losing their temper, and gaining self-control? So true. So very, very true.

[misskris.livejournal.com]

thank you
thank you
thank you

(i know it wasn't directed at me, but i'm taking it as such anyways)



i needed this. it's a wake up call. i have a problem, and i need help. i KNOW this. i just don't want to have to go the court-appointed route. =/

but thank you.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Hey, if it helps any - you're a dear sweet creature I'm very very fond of. Go get some training - you'll be happier for it.

[caitlin.livejournal.com]

I know friends who indulge temper tantrums and such aren't doing anyone any favours...

Although, for me, it seems if I'm angry, I need to be able to FEEL it instead of stuffing it because stuffing it usually means the anger ends up turned inward - where it usually turns more toxic - and that's not healthy for me either.

I don't usually expect anyone to 'indulge' my temper, and the only people who typically get subjected to it are the people on my friendslist (when I rant), those in traffic who do stupid things (like, say, the people who try to cut me off when the lane I'm in is *ack!* ending.), and those sorts.

If I've ever subjected you or Jim to my fits of temper, I duly apologise... I know how horrible I can be during those times.

C.

[unclejimbo.livejournal.com]

Feeling angry is okay, letting the anger gain control over you and your actions... Not okay.

I KNOW how 'good' it feels to let it fly. You feel strong, empowered and unbeatable. Unfortunately, all everyone else around you feel is afraid.

As for seeing your temper, I don't recall an instance, but as I've already said, it's okay to be mad at people. Just take to time to think things through before doing something rash.

[dwinghy.livejournal.com]

Seriously, what's the deal with considering a vicious temper to be a character asset?

If I may play armchair shrink for a moment (just try to stop me!) I think people who do that, much like people who put "I'm a real bitch!" on the user info of their LJ do so out of the belief (mistaken or not) that they're actually much-trod-upon doormats. Most of the people I know who are like that usually believe that most of their lives they were taken advantage of, and so they cultivated these "badass" traits to scare off anyone who might try to take advantage again in the future.
In truth they're probably no more hard done by than anyone else, but this is their defense mechanism. I can understand the temptation to do this; fortunately I also understand how utterly lame it sounds. Because you're right, everyone has a temper, big deal. To me it's not something to be ashamed OR proud of, it just IS. I myself can be quite the hothead but I've got a long fuse so unless you're a complete jackass you may never see me get mad at you (that's a general "you" obviously, since I'd have no reason to get mad at you specifically). Also, learning to simply not deal with people who piss me off unless it's absolutely necessary (oddly, it's pretty much never absolutely necessary) is the most wonderful lesson ever. You mean I can just walk away from people I dislike?? FREEDOM GLORIOUS FREEDOM!!

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

It takes all kinds; doesn't mean all kinds take to you - neh?

As I'm fond of saying - I'm not everyone's cup of tea. If you're fine with that, so am I.

EXCELLENT POST!

[(Anonymous)]

The 1st story I'd not heard before,either,so Thanks!
Here's an added quote (not my own) to add:

(substitute Universe,Goddess,etc. if 'God' irritates)



"And acceptance is the answer to *all* my problems. today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake..."

Re: EXCELLENT POST!

[cubes.livejournal.com]

That is probably the single most valuable lesson I have ever learned (well, it's up there with a few others from the same source, anyway). Took me quite a while, but once it sinks in the world is a wonderful place.

Another of my favorites, off on a bit of a tangent, but what the heck (I hope I am remembering this accurately, I have it written down at home):

Always we hope
Some other place will be better
Some other time it will all work out

This is it
No other place will be better
And it already has worked out

[fufaraw]

This entry is a lovely, lovely thing, and I thank you for it. I think back over the various ways I've handled anger, and for the most part, I swallowed it, not allowed to express it, or even acknowledge that I felt it, let alone was entitled to feel it. That still rides me a bit, it's always been difficult for me to be vocally and histionically angry with someone in their presence.

As it turns out, that's for the best. I go all inarticulate when I'm truly angry. If I try to speak, I cry, which undermines any righteousness my anger may have. So I've learned to do something physical to use up the energy, to not engage until I've had a chance to cool down and think things through. Often, on sober reflection, their position has merit, mine, not as much as I thought. But if I still think I'm right, then I'm able to marshall cogent arguments, and when I'm sure I'm cool and rational, I'll present my case.

It's the only way that works for me. This leaves aside the half-humorous over-the-top ranting at other drivers who can't hear me in the car. That's done purely for effect.

Wow...

[ionotter.livejournal.com]

An Indian shaman was speaking to the children of his tribe.

"There are two wolves inside each of us," he explained. "One is Good, the other is Evil. They are always fighting with each other for the chance to guide our lives in one direction or the other."

The children all nodded in thought at his words. One looked up and asked, "Which wolf will win, Grandfather?"

He smiled and said, "The one you feed."

Thank you for this. Your words are wise.

Re: Wow...

[bustylis.livejournal.com]

I came here from a like in Zoethe's journal, but stayed for the icon-love. Is that a drawing of Jesus in yours? Because it is the happiest Jesus I've ever seen, and I really like it.

'considering a vicious temper to be a character asset?'

[moropus.livejournal.com]

Seriously, what's the deal with considering a vicious temper to be a character asset?

Being an amateur psychologist, this is part of what I have been calling the entitlement generation. I don't take credit for he title, I may have heard it somewhere. I don't have any age cut-off in mind yet, but it seems to me they younger they are, the more vicious they are and the more likely to consider that they are entitled to whatever they want, and more upset when they find you can't always get what you want. They need no manners, are free to hurt you again and again, and whatever you have is theirs. Time, help, money, revenge; to be their friend you are required to participate in all of these things.

I've also seen middle aged and elderly people with this disorder. We had an elderly man come in and harass us 3 times a week until yesterday he got banned. His middle-aged daughter told me that his temper tantrums and other harrassments were his attempts at humor, and we were at fault for not understanding him. I was actually frightened he would hit me on rare occasions. That was the only time she has ever been in the building, so she has no idea what he has been doing. Personally, I think he needs a full time minder or some medication. We do not exist so that he can vent his rage in my building.

Re: 'considering a vicious temper to be a character asset?'

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Children learn to control themselves - and I think this whole "anger" bit can take into the late twenties to get down. Sometimes longer. What do you think?

[bluemoonpnw.livejournal.com]

I try to be fair, too, but I've given up on the users and liars.
I've made excuses for them in the past.
"oh, it was for a good reason..." sort of thing. No more.
(with the exceptiong of white lies, of the sort to set up
a surprise, not the 'that looks fine' when it doesn't kind.)
Someone lies to me, tries to get me to lie for them...?
Goodbye. That's a bridge I don't need, I have plenty
of strong safe true ones.
I just got tired of being used.
I don't get angry very often now. No fuel. (Pissy at the daminals
sometimes, but that's so not the same.)

[bigbigtruck.livejournal.com]

I'm a little uneasy with the implication that letting oneself be taken advantage of is somehow better than fighting off something that's wrong...

If a situation is wrong, or if someone I trust betrays me, I'm going to get angry. That reaction isn't good or bad in itself; it's simply human.

Anger can be useful. Were it not for anger, I wouldn't have fought off two assaults, I wouldn't have started volunteering at the SPCA, and I would still be trying to starve myself into an impossible shape.
Sometimes anger results when you realize, "hey, this isn't right, and dammit, I should change it."

There's righteous anger, and then there's temper tantrums and snitfits. I'm still learning the difference between the two, but... somehow, I don't think I should have just laid back and thought of England, or let the mechanic rip me off $400 for a brake pad change, or let folks use my art for profit without my permission, or any other time I could have just shrugged and said "oh well, that's the way the cookie crumbles."

Sometimes I've had to choose between anger and hopelessness. The former is a volatile life-force that needs to be reined and carefully directed; the other leads only to despair.

[funwithrage.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm with you.


I try to never, *ever* let my anger overpower my rational thought; never to get so pissed off that I say unwise or hurtful things to an innocent; never to let my own pain overcome my logic. Before I get mad, I take a deep breath and ask myself whether the person on the other end deserves it and whether I'll regret it later.


And, sometimes, I know that they do and I won't. I'm not glad about snapping at my parents or my friends, and I'd never yell at a waitress--but I'm glad, and proud, that I use the rough side of my tongue on homophobes and sexists and other idiots. Striving for dignity, and careful aim, *with* your anger is all well and good, but eliminating it entirely doesn't strike me as any wiser than using it without judgment.


Everything in moderation and so forth.

[pleepleus.livejournal.com]

I followed over from zoethe. Very glad she linked to this amazingly insightful work.

Mind if I link? This is worth sharing!

I have so many thoughts on this, but may decide to write something on my own. I need to ponder.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Feel free, if you think it's helpful -

[elfwench.livejournal.com]

I am well known for my temper. But you know what's helped considerably? Two things.

One, I learned that if I let it fester, I'm done for. Nothing wrong with being angry. But letting that anger get out of control is the problem. And the longer I put it off, the more chance it has to stew and build up steam. I do a lot better when I just admit it right off the bat. "This situation makes me angry." I've found with lord_keeper that often that's the best approach and then we can sit and discuss the situation.

And two, be as specific as possible and stick to the subject at hand. Nothing escalates an argument like getting caught up on side issues, or old issues that you've been shoving back that all come out in the heat of the moment. And nothing gets resolved that way, because it's too much all at once.

AMEN to THAT!

[(Anonymous)]

Nothing escalates an argument like getting caught up on side issues, or old issues that you've been shoving back that all come out in the heat of the moment.

Man, I know people who'd lead happy lives if only they could put the past where it belongs! Address it & move ON, bay-bee! ; ^ )

[digitaldraco.livejournal.com]

My family has no oral traditions so you just get my icon for the SP ref in your subject line. ;D

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

Lovely.

However, I would make one point.

Sometimes, you have to choose between anger and despair. And anger is truly the better choice.

I'm disabled. Often the anger at the unfairness of it all is the only thing that keeps me from just letting go. I use my anger as a tool to keep going, to make changes that are necessary, to fight against the thing trying to keep me down.

When it's all you have, it *can* be useful.

[fax-celestis.livejournal.com]

But even then you're using your anger for leverage instead of letting your anger use you.

[ladyhawke-wings.livejournal.com]

Another link from zoethe. A great post!

Mind if I also trackback to you in my journal?

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Sure! If you think it's useful -

[dhimahi.livejournal.com]

...still one more link from the lovely zoethe and a very timely one for me.

thank you and I am adding this as a "memory".

[yndy.livejournal.com]

Followed the lovely zoethe's link over.

"Friends" who indulge your tantrums? Aren't doing you any favors.

That's something I wish many folk would learn early.
My good friends are the ones who help me to identify the things that hold me back and to help me to change them.
They're the ones who will face the potential 'fiery wrath of initial reaction' in order to tell me the thing I need to hear.
Including "no one wants to face your fiery wrath of initial reaction - lose that."

I had a friend whose long-ago-girlfriend literally threw temper tantrums (in her 20's) when things weren't going her way. After months of having to 'raincheck' our plans because she was being irrational, demanding, and hysterical - he said to me "I'm so glad you're such a good friend - that you'll work with me on this..." and I replied with "I hope you're still glad that I'm going to be a better friend to you and refuse to do so from here on out."
He was confused - until I explained that his acceptance of her behavior was impacting 2 of us negatively - she was learning that childish behavior got her what she wanted (his company) and I was learning that being understanding and flexible did not.
I told him that he had to make a stand as to which kind of behavior to reinforce - and that if he cancelled out on me again due to one of her tantrums, I would be walking away permanently.
She put it to the test the very next opportunity - and he and I had quite a nice evening out... meanwhile, in the end - they talked and she actually saw what he was saying.

Real friends are the ones who help us to get out of the wholes we dig ourselves in - not the ones who jump down there with us.

Thanks for a thoughtful essay! :)

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

You're welcome - it's nice to get confirmation that I'm not smoking crack some days. ;)

[lefresne.livejournal.com]

A couple of years ago I got nuked by two people. One has tried several times to apologize. I warned her that her behaviour was getting too much to take before she nuked me. About 6 months (or more) of warnings with increasing distance between us. When the nuke finally happened, as I knew it would, because amongst most of those women it was somehow entertaining to completely lose all control, say anything you wanted to--then make up--well I responded with a very simple "you've gone too far and will not recover from this." Those folks still don't understand why I didn't come back for the make up part of the cycle.

I don't like abusive cycles.

I wanted to explode all over them. Sometimes when I get another attempt at an apology I still want to--but somethings you cannot ever come back from. It is a source of comfort for me that I have said nothing I regret to those folks.

The difficulty for me is actually standing up for myself. I don't want to 'take the high road' out of fear or my doormat training. But I do want to be able to look back on my actions and not be ashamed.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

"No, you don't get to do that to me." Yeah, I know the cycle well. You're one bright cookie to wise up after only two nukings. *grins*

[redqueenofevil.livejournal.com]

I meant to mention this days ago, but LJ was acting weird. I found much of what you had to say very insightful. I have also put tremendous thought over the years on anger, how it can hurt, and how to handle things differently. I linked this post from my recent entry (oddly enough, about conflict/resolution- maybe you can advise...), and I added this to my memories. If you preferred I didn't, please let me know.

Thanks.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

No worries. As always, if it's of any use - be my guest.