kyburg: (Default)
Thanks for putting up with the Twitter consolidations - right now, that is where I am most prolific, largely because it's a real 'hit and done' environment. Now, to collect those for later perusal?

This is still the best place for that. August 29th was the last time I actually wrote a post here, huh? Okay.

Sis's divorce isn't final, but the house has been sold and the family split into two rental properties - only one of which I have contact information for. (Guess.) I still listen to crazy on a regular basis. But after throwing up my hands and giving in to simply being sad for a period of weeks (and if depression showed up to keep it company, well it did), I no longer want to end the world in fire (okay, just my sister) every time the subject comes up.

The sad arrived after I found out what the holidays were going to look like this year.

Nobody is coming. Nobody is going. There will be nothing. Even when Dad died, there was Christmas. Even when the house burned down. Went to Switzerland. Cliff almost died. Always.

Nope. Not coming to your house. (Even though I'm still opening the house on Christmas Eve. Bite me, you're not taking that from me.) Too far, too much work, lalala. Not for Thanksgiving (though that's not a real shock, neither lil' bro or Mom eats as a social occasion anymore, the diets they're on don't allow for much of it), but not for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years - nope. Not worth the work.

I was willing to put them up, entertain, do whatever was necessary - nope.

That smarts. And yes, I got very sad. I got better, but I had to stay there and really grok it for a while.

But that's it.

Family and I are getting on a train and going north for Thanksgiving. Christmas Eve is at my house, and if Christmas Day is spent at Disneyland? I can think of worse. Letting the simple indifference ruin me more is wrong. Nobody is trying to do me harm, they just don't care. (Didn't they say neglect was worse than abuse?)

Sis started sending text messages over the weekend - called me at work (I pushed it to VM) Friday - being chatty and buddy-buddy and I am *totally* creeped out. Well then - now that you've made sure nobody can hold you accountable in person (ex-BIL needs to notify her in writing before he even picks up kid, shared custody agreement notwithstanding, I said the crazy continues), I guess it's time to see if I'm going to accept the DNA card for more charges on account.

Nope. That account is overlimit, overdrawn and closed. Done. At some point, she is going to get her opportunity to tell me - perhaps - what the fuck she thought this was all about, but I have a heavy list of my own to levy as well. I seriously doubt the little tatters that are left will survive contact with it.

I'll do what I can for Mom, as I am able. The brothers - can find their own way, do not care anymore. When Mom is gone, so I am. So very done. Do I think any of them will notice? If they do, it'll smart a little - about as much as if I had actually died, perhaps. (Suicidal ideation happens around here when trying to find a way to pay bills. For attention? You're kidding, right?) Mom plaints about 'what happened?' and none of us will say - nobody wants her to know the work she did with Sis in high school didn't take.

My mother married twice; my mother was bankrupted by each of those men and has filed for protection twice. In spite of that, she raised four kids by herself, and between the four of us there are three bachelor degrees, two masters and a doctorate. And all of us work. (Except for Sis, at this point she claims to be self-employed except she doesn't work 15 hours a week, the documentation is there as part of court process.) All of us raised children, with various levels of success depending on the kid. Only one of us ended up in jail, and that was once and done and lil' bro has been in recovery ever since. When you remove the antagonist, we're resilient folks.

But second-best is out of here, guys. I'm not waiting anymore.

There are a couple of other places you can find me - tumblr has me in its passive-agressive paws, same name as here. You can also find me at turntable.fm in the I <3 70's room (last place I expected to land) during daylight hours. Facebook, tumblr with the ability to talk back to your insulter - the modern version of the slambook, pretty pictures and all. Ironically, Tumblr may have kicked me in the head hard enough to go back to writing anything - I'm seriously considering NanoWriMo this year (hell, there's no reason - NOTHING going on).

So, we'll see.

So. How about those Avengers?
kyburg: (Default)
Thanks for putting up with the Twitter consolidations - right now, that is where I am most prolific, largely because it's a real 'hit and done' environment. Now, to collect those for later perusal?

This is still the best place for that. August 29th was the last time I actually wrote a post here, huh? Okay.

Sis's divorce isn't final, but the house has been sold and the family split into two rental properties - only one of which I have contact information for. (Guess.) I still listen to crazy on a regular basis. But after throwing up my hands and giving in to simply being sad for a period of weeks (and if depression showed up to keep it company, well it did), I no longer want to end the world in fire (okay, just my sister) every time the subject comes up.

The sad arrived after I found out what the holidays were going to look like this year.

Nobody is coming. Nobody is going. There will be nothing. Even when Dad died, there was Christmas. Even when the house burned down. Went to Switzerland. Cliff almost died. Always.

Nope. Not coming to your house. (Even though I'm still opening the house on Christmas Eve. Bite me, you're not taking that from me.) Too far, too much work, lalala. Not for Thanksgiving (though that's not a real shock, neither lil' bro or Mom eats as a social occasion anymore, the diets they're on don't allow for much of it), but not for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years - nope. Not worth the work.

I was willing to put them up, entertain, do whatever was necessary - nope.

That smarts. And yes, I got very sad. I got better, but I had to stay there and really grok it for a while.

But that's it.

Family and I are getting on a train and going north for Thanksgiving. Christmas Eve is at my house, and if Christmas Day is spent at Disneyland? I can think of worse. Letting the simple indifference ruin me more is wrong. Nobody is trying to do me harm, they just don't care. (Didn't they say neglect was worse than abuse?)

Sis started sending text messages over the weekend - called me at work (I pushed it to VM) Friday - being chatty and buddy-buddy and I am *totally* creeped out. Well then - now that you've made sure nobody can hold you accountable in person (ex-BIL needs to notify her in writing before he even picks up kid, shared custody agreement notwithstanding, I said the crazy continues), I guess it's time to see if I'm going to accept the DNA card for more charges on account.

Nope. That account is overlimit, overdrawn and closed. Done. At some point, she is going to get her opportunity to tell me - perhaps - what the fuck she thought this was all about, but I have a heavy list of my own to levy as well. I seriously doubt the little tatters that are left will survive contact with it.

I'll do what I can for Mom, as I am able. The brothers - can find their own way, do not care anymore. When Mom is gone, so I am. So very done. Do I think any of them will notice? If they do, it'll smart a little - about as much as if I had actually died, perhaps. (Suicidal ideation happens around here when trying to find a way to pay bills. For attention? You're kidding, right?) Mom plaints about 'what happened?' and none of us will say - nobody wants her to know the work she did with Sis in high school didn't take.

My mother married twice; my mother was bankrupted by each of those men and has filed for protection twice. In spite of that, she raised four kids by herself, and between the four of us there are three bachelor degrees, two masters and a doctorate. And all of us work. (Except for Sis, at this point she claims to be self-employed except she doesn't work 15 hours a week, the documentation is there as part of court process.) All of us raised children, with various levels of success depending on the kid. Only one of us ended up in jail, and that was once and done and lil' bro has been in recovery ever since. When you remove the antagonist, we're resilient folks.

But second-best is out of here, guys. I'm not waiting anymore.

There are a couple of other places you can find me - tumblr has me in its passive-agressive paws, same name as here. You can also find me at turntable.fm in the I <3 70's room (last place I expected to land) during daylight hours. Facebook, tumblr with the ability to talk back to your insulter - the modern version of the slambook, pretty pictures and all. Ironically, Tumblr may have kicked me in the head hard enough to go back to writing anything - I'm seriously considering NanoWriMo this year (hell, there's no reason - NOTHING going on).

So, we'll see.

So. How about those Avengers?
kyburg: (Default)
Well, at least the tweets appear to be showing up - but there hasn't even been much of them lately either, has there?

I need time to be concise, I also need time to actually type. I can go 90wpm, but I actually have to get some of those minutes, right?

I'm going to be going through the last ten years of this thing. I considered going back and retro-actively tagging the posts relating to my sister, but thought better of it.

They stay as they were made, not changing a thing. If I hand this over to a legal widget or her family, there will be no record of me going back and touching them in any way. That's meet, sez I.

I have hopes. I make plans. I go back and try again with better information.

Religious social club is going better, after stomping my little feet and making loud noises.

Work is keeping me very busy and on my toes and that's a good thing. Old gig may - or may not - or probably - who knows - come to an end soon.

And summer is arriving, and there is a week in August that needs filling. I'm thinking Miranda.

So many secrets. Keeping as few as I can.
kyburg: (facepalm)
But my pants are SO fucking bankrupt right now.

FWIW

Apr. 26th, 2012 09:17 pm
kyburg: (crazy)
I asked someone to do a tarot reading for me. Basically said 'give me the next year' - results?

Well. See for yourself:

A 10 card spread, coming up


1) Present: Knight of Wands
Confidence and passion, a bold venture to undertake, but be wary you are not just cocky and foolhardy.

2) Immediate challenge: 2 of Wands
Use the power of your daring and inventiveness wisely.

3) Distant Past: Temperance

Balance, healing, harmony. These are things thata re fond memories now.

4) Recent Past: 6 of Swords

Journey, rite of passage, depression, barely staying above water, dealing with the effects of trauma. These things too are past, but they are more recent and may still be affecting the situation.

5) Best outcome: 5 of Cups

Partial loss, regrets, setbacks. But there is still some home, as only some of the cups are spilled. The rest still hold liquid.

6) Immediate Future: Queen of pentacles

Nuturing, practical, resopurceful. Your boldness will pay off, allowing you access to resources and the ability to be generous.

7) Factors in the situation: 9 of Swords

Nightmares. Doubt, guilt, all the stuff that keeps you awake at night

8) External influences: 3 of Swords

Heartbreak, abandonment, sorrow

9) Hopes and Fears: Death

Change, radical, change that marks your life and scars your mind. This does not mean someone will die, but everything around you will change.

10) Final Outcome: King of Pentacles.
Successful business, Support, adeptness, reliability.

Right now, you have the opportuinity to step forth boldly. But temper it with wisdom. No matter what you do, you're going to lose something. Hold on to the remembered balance, avoid the old depression. Let go of the doubt and guilt. The heartbreak comes from outside, but you can let go of the internal stuff. This is all going to be a complete change, and that is scary as all get out. Step out boldly and reap the rewards of the King of Pentacles.

---

*ahem* Well, then.
kyburg: (Default)
Today, this journal is ten years old.

"Gotta start somewhere



Whoo-hoo, the first entry. Boy, won't some folks be shocked.

Note to self: this is a party line. No posting about anything that party of the first part will not know about party of the second part. And so on and so forth.

*ahem*

I'm so terribly behind, music-wise. Will I ever catch up?"


What a long, strange trip it's been.

5,263 Journal Entries
26,724 comments received
21,719 comments posted
864 Tags
129 Memories
5 Virtual Gifts
85 Userpics

*whew*
kyburg: (Default)
Today, this journal is ten years old.

"Gotta start somewhere



Whoo-hoo, the first entry. Boy, won't some folks be shocked.

Note to self: this is a party line. No posting about anything that party of the first part will not know about party of the second part. And so on and so forth.

*ahem*

I'm so terribly behind, music-wise. Will I ever catch up?"


What a long, strange trip it's been.

5,263 Journal Entries
26,724 comments received
21,719 comments posted
864 Tags
129 Memories
5 Virtual Gifts
85 Userpics

*whew*
kyburg: (Default)
Today, this journal is ten years old.

"Gotta start somewhere



Whoo-hoo, the first entry. Boy, won't some folks be shocked.

Note to self: this is a party line. No posting about anything that party of the first part will not know about party of the second part. And so on and so forth.

*ahem*

I'm so terribly behind, music-wise. Will I ever catch up?"


What a long, strange trip it's been.

5,263 Journal Entries
26,724 comments received
21,719 comments posted
864 Tags
129 Memories
5 Virtual Gifts
85 Userpics

*whew*
kyburg: (Hurt)
I'm just being stupidly annoyed because I need sleep. That's all.

No, really. And no, I do not want to be an adult and accepting about it.

At. All.
kyburg: (wonder)
 Sis calls me - remember, I can't call her, but she can certainly call me in the middle of the day and make me drop everything - and advises me that she is off Mom's POA as primary for health care.  She'd be off the financials too, except legal counsel has advised her it's too hard, unwise if she wants to resume her post in six months and so on.

A crisis that lasts until the beginning of the next school year?  Total radio silence?  People are also posting some weird stuff to FaceBook over there too.  Have been for some time  - daydreams about running off to Europe for fifteen months, lalala (and that was Sis doing that one). BIL, kids...even stranger, more out of character.

This is the part where I start wondering what IS going on over there.  But I am a Good Sibling, I respect boundaries (particularly when they've been so clearly spelled out) and until this becomes an itch I can't help but scratch...I'm staying out of it.

But the whole thing makes me itch.   Wish I lived next door.  I'd borrow a buttload of sugar, mind you - one cup at a time.

Called Lil' Bro and Mom - largely to reassure them that they can call me in the middle of the night if they need me, yes I will  take on the doctor appointments, no problem...and apologized for not being the licensed social worker.  I am experienced, I'm not bad - but.

Mom cut me off.  "Don't hit yourself in the face."  And then she started crying.

That's one.

Jim's taken on being an observer/alternate for collective bargaining for the union this year - it's been quite the experience, he's just glowing with the strokes, the perks and the attention.  Problem is, it's also eating up a lot of time beyond the normal workweek.  This week alone, there are three days I've had to cut my day short to cover getting kid home before aftercare closes (he normally covers that one, I take him in) and then not getting home until late, late, late.

This little boy does NOT do well with lack of Dad.  Yesterday, we got a incident report - kid playing around in the bathroom, slipped and clocked himself in the head...and then threw sand at someone and The Parents Got Called.

Well, they did.  I'm taking off work again tomorrow to take in the parent-teacher conference - it's being done early, we need to talk about some behavioral issues.

My kid is teasing the other kids - and he's been extremely mean.  *sigh*  Well, he's angry enough to displace some of it on other people, not knowing he's doing it.  He's very angry right now.  There hasn't been a lot of downtime due to everyone working late, dealing with crap and so on - we haven't been home every night, there's been a lot of dinner out of the house, so less television time...not a lot of fun going on for anyone.

It's also adoption anniversary time.  While he might not externalize it, he certainly appears to feel it.  We've seen unattached anger every year, same time every year.

So, I've got a kid being extraordinarily mean to other kids right now.  Well, he learned from the best at the old school.  Crapcakes.

That's two.

I finally blew my cork at religious social club last night - Sunday School is a joke, it's me pulling my kid out of church to give a lesson every single Sunday and I'm ready to close the whole thing down as CE Coordinator because?

I'm not that good at it, I'm getting nothing to assist - and frankly?  I wouldn't invite anyone with kids right now.  That's one step short of resigning, and throwing the whole thing out.

This *was* a great experience.  I got more to do, hopefully something that will help - but.  I got more work to do.  (It's perfectly okay for me to completely restock the classrooms and get them ready to use again, after the emergency rehab when the plumbing flooded the place - but get any assistance to actually teach classes?  *grumble*)

That's three.

I'm having my memory banks *yanked* hard - and trying to be useful instead of whiny.  There are more posts to do about the years between 1992 and 1998 - but [livejournal.com profile] popfiend  needs what I got, so I'm being as good as I can.

He's not the only one.

I'm having a hard time playing Angel of Death again, so please.  This is not your experience, I don't want it to be your experience (on top of your own?  Please.) and there's plenty of horrendous on the periphery as it is.

Shit happens now, there's nobody left.

That's four.

My idea of 'busy' and yours?  Not your fault.
kyburg: (Default)
I've requested - oh so nicely - AGAIN - to collect the tweets and consolidate them here.

---

We'll see. If form follows history, this will be the only mention of them you'll see.
kyburg: (Default)
I've requested - oh so nicely - AGAIN - to collect the tweets and consolidate them here.

---

We'll see. If form follows history, this will be the only mention of them you'll see.
kyburg: (Default)
I've requested - oh so nicely - AGAIN - to collect the tweets and consolidate them here.

---

We'll see. If form follows history, this will be the only mention of them you'll see.
kyburg: (more cowbell)
I really had no idea the old busted joint was as busted as it was. In all honesty, I should expect the motherboard to fail at this point within the next ten bootups - it's that bad.

How do I know? I have a new machine that took my old Sims 2 game and ran it without flinching. Hacks and all? Hacks, over 5 gigs of custom content and all.

I do know now how many Sims you get in Pleasantview in a clean install, all expansion packs. 725. My game? 2,689. It's a month older than the kid, and this is the fourth machine I've ported it to, and the third OS.

The old machine takes nearly half an hour just to boot the OS. As soon as I can, I will retire it to a glorious recycling. And cry like a little kid - 2005 was really a vintage year, it turns out. Who knew?
kyburg: (bad mommy)
We're ending the third week with our start with kid's new school, and the last two days he's gotten 'carded' for talking in class. We think. Nobody has sent home a nasty gram, nobody has called us, nobody has complained.

He's just gotten two color dots on his calendar that aren't green. Okay, we talked to him about it, and last night he got to sit and write "I will not talk in class" fifty times. (Yes, he's six, in kindergarten and he can do that. Very well, actually.) Today, I have no idea. I don't expect a complete turnaround, not with his history.

I have a chatterbox for a boy. Ask anyone - boys aren't verbal. Well, mine is. Bite me.

*sighs* I just wish I knew what was driving it. Instead of jumping out of his seat, he's popping off with his mouth. My little cockatrice, half lion and half strutting rooster. You *will* notice me. Twerphead.

The lunches are what's getting me, though. School has contracted with a third-party, ChoiceLunch and yes, you pick your lunch from about 20 choices every day - the hot entrees change, but the balance is sandwiches (and sushi!) and every day there is macaroni and cheese, if that floats your boat.

So far, the pizza is the biggest hit. He's actually eating better to boot and if he's being challenged to eat stuff out of his comfort zone, he's got fair warning and knows about it ahead of time...and made the choice himself. Win-win.

Before and aftercare is done in a room that is as close to a living room (complete with comfy comfy couch and television) as I could ask for - and it's always warm. Everyplace else has been cold in the mornings, but that room is heated and comfortable...lovely.

I like using the term 'modest' to describe it, which implies it's more conservative (parochial school, hello) - it's uniformed (no jeans, unless you pay a bump on Friday) and nothing but polo shirts, solid-colored polo shirts, all week long. Oh, and a white one on Wednesday, that's chapel day. To the good, his vanity is being stroked big time - he's getting to wear a BELT and tuck his shirt in and oh my doesn't he look nice? Has to have his hair combed just so, don't you know.

I think he's enjoying this - but the car conversations now include talk about dying (about a year or so ahead of schedule, drat), and we're re-sorting our vacation time out to accommodate when they will be closed (there's a week in August between the end of 'summer camp' and the start of the Fall semester, for example). There's a field trip to go see 'The Lorax' next week. And the homework is done for the week in one night.

He's falling asleep easily at night, sleeps the night through. Does not like getting up in the morning, but you can't have everything.

For the rest? It's profanity, and Mom taught me not to use language like that.

Very fast.

Jan. 19th, 2012 04:45 pm
kyburg: (Default)
Guess who's a single parent until Monday?

Me!

How is it happening? Jim's been tapped to be on the collective bargaining committee (probably as an alternate) for the union at work - and needs to be schooled/trained, so he's in San Jose in digs we both know very well from Fanime. Um, he had lunch in the karaoke room today.

He's already there, having flown up this morning - and I insisted he take Xander to school and give a proper goodbye to reassure him he would be back, when and so forth.

To be blunt, I haven't gotten so many text messages in six months and we text a LOT over the course of a day about day-to-day what are we gonna do stuffs. We...haven't been separated much in ten years - I think this will be the longest we've been apart in a decade, easy.

He is absolutely giddy. And having a grand old time.

Kid and I? Gonna miss him like whoa. And not looking forward to bereft little boy who is having an acute Lack of Dadda.

Keep me in your thoughts - because in five minutes, my race home to get him from school, homework, feed and put to bed in one piece?

Begins.

Three days he's on travel. One at work after that.

Here we go.
kyburg: (wonder)
...the more it feels like the LJ I used to know.

And sadly, the people who used to use LJ that I read it for? Are already gone, rage-quitted to hell and breakfast.

Well. Here's hoping. Come on over. It's friendly and sweet and nice over here.
kyburg: (facepalm)
According to my mother, I'm too old. Name it, and I'm now too old for it.

Honestly. When I hit 30, it was with a cry of joy that I wasn't too young for ANYTHING anymore.

Because - yeah, that. Want to do something? Too young.

If you wonder how I developed such selective hearing and why 'don't listen to that shit' rolls off my lips so easily?

There you go.
kyburg: (facepalm)
According to my mother, I'm too old. Name it, and I'm now too old for it.

Honestly. When I hit 30, it was with a cry of joy that I wasn't too young for ANYTHING anymore.

Because - yeah, that. Want to do something? Too young.

If you wonder how I developed such selective hearing and why 'don't listen to that shit' rolls off my lips so easily?

There you go.
kyburg: (facepalm)
According to my mother, I'm too old. Name it, and I'm now too old for it.

Honestly. When I hit 30, it was with a cry of joy that I wasn't too young for ANYTHING anymore.

Because - yeah, that. Want to do something? Too young.

If you wonder how I developed such selective hearing and why 'don't listen to that shit' rolls off my lips so easily?

There you go.

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