kyburg: (Hurt)
I'm just being stupidly annoyed because I need sleep. That's all.

No, really. And no, I do not want to be an adult and accepting about it.

At. All.
kyburg: (bad mommy)
So, back to school at lunchtime today to confront kid so out of control the school is discussing expulsion again.

We'll see if the Wrath of Mom has any effect - discussion or talking to or threatening or loss of privileges hasn't had much effect yet.

Rascal. Well, if he 'wants' to act out in class, I guess he 'wants' some consequences. Let's see if he makes the connection or not.

Or he just ends up in public school entirely and we go from there. He was just in the therapist's office last Friday - and still, nobody is talking medication or any other intervention so that's not the answer.

But I still suspect there's something peer-related going on, but this stuff has to stop first before anything else can be addressed. Honestly.

Speshial.
kyburg: (bad mommy)
And it started yesterday with me bringing kid home early due to just not being able to stay in care one more minute without someone blowing a gasket at daycare. I mean - eating your lunch in the director's office because you can't sit and do it with your friends? And then still not getting it?

When he wouldn't nap, I took him home. He slept for nearly three hours. He then got it, chapter and verse, that no - we're not going to wheedle any more. You do - or do not - but if you do not, there are consequences.

One of them was the Daddy huggy at bedtime because he decided it would be better to be naughty instead. Uh no.

Man, all the apologies in the world and demands? Didn't get the huggy back. Who knew?

He's going to need to eat before going to school - new school doesn't do breakfasts, only lunch and snacks. Breakfast this AM? Let's see how long I can drag this out. Um, nope. That didn't work either.

I see a kid going hungry a few times in the near future until he figures it out. He surely did in foster care, but one can hope this will resolve. Trying to remember me at this age, I'm pretty sure some additional 'aids' were employed, including spankings and worse. (I know I spent a lot of time alone at the table after everyone else had left - sit me in front of cold, steamed spinach? I still can't eat that stuff.)

We got in, signed in and introduced - and kid essentially shut down. In the morning, this class draws and reads books. Old school? Toy play - and often more aggressive play than I was happy with. That's going to take some getting used to. (No, you will not get to make guns out of Legos and chase your friends around the room.) I talked him into drawing Daddy a picture, said my goodbyes - updated the teacher on yesterday's escapades and left for work. Felt like I just thrown him to very polite, orderly lions. They have awesome fish, though.

Got in earlier, even stopped at a better Starbucks - all good things. I just feel for him, though. And hate how breakfast didn't come together. Work in progress - guess I'm going to have to choose my battles with more care. (And not let Daddy decide that food that is a toy is what's for breakfast.)

Not a fun job today. Or an adventure.
kyburg: (bad mommy)
And it started yesterday with me bringing kid home early due to just not being able to stay in care one more minute without someone blowing a gasket at daycare. I mean - eating your lunch in the director's office because you can't sit and do it with your friends? And then still not getting it?

When he wouldn't nap, I took him home. He slept for nearly three hours. He then got it, chapter and verse, that no - we're not going to wheedle any more. You do - or do not - but if you do not, there are consequences.

One of them was the Daddy huggy at bedtime because he decided it would be better to be naughty instead. Uh no.

Man, all the apologies in the world and demands? Didn't get the huggy back. Who knew?

He's going to need to eat before going to school - new school doesn't do breakfasts, only lunch and snacks. Breakfast this AM? Let's see how long I can drag this out. Um, nope. That didn't work either.

I see a kid going hungry a few times in the near future until he figures it out. He surely did in foster care, but one can hope this will resolve. Trying to remember me at this age, I'm pretty sure some additional 'aids' were employed, including spankings and worse. (I know I spent a lot of time alone at the table after everyone else had left - sit me in front of cold, steamed spinach? I still can't eat that stuff.)

We got in, signed in and introduced - and kid essentially shut down. In the morning, this class draws and reads books. Old school? Toy play - and often more aggressive play than I was happy with. That's going to take some getting used to. (No, you will not get to make guns out of Legos and chase your friends around the room.) I talked him into drawing Daddy a picture, said my goodbyes - updated the teacher on yesterday's escapades and left for work. Felt like I just thrown him to very polite, orderly lions. They have awesome fish, though.

Got in earlier, even stopped at a better Starbucks - all good things. I just feel for him, though. And hate how breakfast didn't come together. Work in progress - guess I'm going to have to choose my battles with more care. (And not let Daddy decide that food that is a toy is what's for breakfast.)

Not a fun job today. Or an adventure.
kyburg: (bad mommy)
And it started yesterday with me bringing kid home early due to just not being able to stay in care one more minute without someone blowing a gasket at daycare. I mean - eating your lunch in the director's office because you can't sit and do it with your friends? And then still not getting it?

When he wouldn't nap, I took him home. He slept for nearly three hours. He then got it, chapter and verse, that no - we're not going to wheedle any more. You do - or do not - but if you do not, there are consequences.

One of them was the Daddy huggy at bedtime because he decided it would be better to be naughty instead. Uh no.

Man, all the apologies in the world and demands? Didn't get the huggy back. Who knew?

He's going to need to eat before going to school - new school doesn't do breakfasts, only lunch and snacks. Breakfast this AM? Let's see how long I can drag this out. Um, nope. That didn't work either.

I see a kid going hungry a few times in the near future until he figures it out. He surely did in foster care, but one can hope this will resolve. Trying to remember me at this age, I'm pretty sure some additional 'aids' were employed, including spankings and worse. (I know I spent a lot of time alone at the table after everyone else had left - sit me in front of cold, steamed spinach? I still can't eat that stuff.)

We got in, signed in and introduced - and kid essentially shut down. In the morning, this class draws and reads books. Old school? Toy play - and often more aggressive play than I was happy with. That's going to take some getting used to. (No, you will not get to make guns out of Legos and chase your friends around the room.) I talked him into drawing Daddy a picture, said my goodbyes - updated the teacher on yesterday's escapades and left for work. Felt like I just thrown him to very polite, orderly lions. They have awesome fish, though.

Got in earlier, even stopped at a better Starbucks - all good things. I just feel for him, though. And hate how breakfast didn't come together. Work in progress - guess I'm going to have to choose my battles with more care. (And not let Daddy decide that food that is a toy is what's for breakfast.)

Not a fun job today. Or an adventure.
kyburg: (Default)
I really hate cancer. It got Diana Wynne Jones over the weekend, and I can already hear folks pishing and poshing that 'well, she smoked, she got what she deserved and she Had To Know - '

Okay, nobody deserves cancer, okay? Just stop it. You can ride a motorcycle and die doing it, the statistics are all lined up to tell you that's the probable outcome. You still don't deserve it. (I will look at you funny, maybe even chortle if you ride around with a helmet, shorts and sneakers when you ditch that bike on the interstate, you fool - but you don't deserve to DIE, for crying out loud. Psst - go get a decent set of boots and at least some long pants - m'kay?)

Looking at the short write up, there's plenty she didn't deserve - but ended up having to cope with, and I'm amazed she was as lovely a spirit afterward as she was. I've met so many adversity soured like a moldy loaf of bread, you have no idea.

That said - if you smoke, please stop. That's all I want for my birthday, Christmas and forever.

I am sick to death of hearing people claim 'hackery' when it's plain they just don't Like Something. You know what? I declare a moratorium on the word around me - I won't use it if you don't. Find other words, and more of them. *grumble*

Going to church yesterday, I passed the Calvary Chapel megachurch near the house - can someone explain to me why a church needs a security checkpoint? You know the kind, search your bags, metal detectors and pat you down before going in?

What the eff are they looking for? And from a congregation where everyone has to know at least your employment status to join? I got nothing.

I went to ours, told my friends and we were suitably aghast. Church services are NOT a rock concert, for crying out loud - this is the place with the new buildings, gift shop, you name it, they have a bumpersticker for it - megachurch. What are they telling people inside there that's scaring them so much they don't even trust each other?

What are we doing? Looking for ways to get people to come visit us, no strings attached. All the public Easter egg hunts have been cancelled and done away with (thank the budget cuts) - so we're looking to expand ours to allow the public to join us. NO CHECKPOINTS. Matter of fact, I'm floating a gaming night once a month in the church hall - thinking of starting out with Settlers of Catan - anyone want some? The stich-n-bitch is nearly a done deal - and I'll be teaching sewing and find someone to come in to service sewing machines if I don't miss my guess.

We're nice. And we'll feed you if you're hungry. Yes, those are pink triangles you see folks wearing, and oh, the multi-faith group meets as often as we can arrange it, you curious about this or that? So-and-so will be here and loves to answer questions.

Kid loves church - in his age group, he's the only one so he gets a daycare worker (one of the youth, a delightful teenager who loves playing 'Star Wars' out in the yard) all to himself. Best day of the week.

I've told you what a wonderful adoption resource this group has turned out to be, right?

Jim had his 47th birthday Saturday, and I'm remembering being in Japan 7 years ago (one trip, just ONE and it's already 7 years ago) and wishing this one could have been bigger, but. We did manage to get out to Palm Springs and up the Tramway - managed to get kid into enough clothes he wasn't cold playing in the snow - managed to get up, down and home before we all collapsed in exhausted piles. I'm sure the pictures are going to be awesome. Me, still a bit sore. Sleep was also very broken during the weekend, too. Didn't help.

[livejournal.com profile] n6vfp was down Sunday (yay bike! yay CDs!), and kid was introduced to my old friend Marian Kelly and her daughter Dianne who finally managed a visit - it's been over two years and change, and it was wonderful. Marian *really* likes Xander and while kid thinks she's neat, he also dragged out what I consider the circus seal behavior I'd like to see him ditch. My kid will test you out to see just how much abuse you can handle, disguised as 'play' - she thought the attention was wonderful, I had to tell him to quit throwing toys at her. Ah, parenting.

I'm looking forward to sleeping tonight. Yay, Monday.
kyburg: (Default)
I really hate cancer. It got Diana Wynne Jones over the weekend, and I can already hear folks pishing and poshing that 'well, she smoked, she got what she deserved and she Had To Know - '

Okay, nobody deserves cancer, okay? Just stop it. You can ride a motorcycle and die doing it, the statistics are all lined up to tell you that's the probable outcome. You still don't deserve it. (I will look at you funny, maybe even chortle if you ride around with a helmet, shorts and sneakers when you ditch that bike on the interstate, you fool - but you don't deserve to DIE, for crying out loud. Psst - go get a decent set of boots and at least some long pants - m'kay?)

Looking at the short write up, there's plenty she didn't deserve - but ended up having to cope with, and I'm amazed she was as lovely a spirit afterward as she was. I've met so many adversity soured like a moldy loaf of bread, you have no idea.

That said - if you smoke, please stop. That's all I want for my birthday, Christmas and forever.

I am sick to death of hearing people claim 'hackery' when it's plain they just don't Like Something. You know what? I declare a moratorium on the word around me - I won't use it if you don't. Find other words, and more of them. *grumble*

Going to church yesterday, I passed the Calvary Chapel megachurch near the house - can someone explain to me why a church needs a security checkpoint? You know the kind, search your bags, metal detectors and pat you down before going in?

What the eff are they looking for? And from a congregation where everyone has to know at least your employment status to join? I got nothing.

I went to ours, told my friends and we were suitably aghast. Church services are NOT a rock concert, for crying out loud - this is the place with the new buildings, gift shop, you name it, they have a bumpersticker for it - megachurch. What are they telling people inside there that's scaring them so much they don't even trust each other?

What are we doing? Looking for ways to get people to come visit us, no strings attached. All the public Easter egg hunts have been cancelled and done away with (thank the budget cuts) - so we're looking to expand ours to allow the public to join us. NO CHECKPOINTS. Matter of fact, I'm floating a gaming night once a month in the church hall - thinking of starting out with Settlers of Catan - anyone want some? The stich-n-bitch is nearly a done deal - and I'll be teaching sewing and find someone to come in to service sewing machines if I don't miss my guess.

We're nice. And we'll feed you if you're hungry. Yes, those are pink triangles you see folks wearing, and oh, the multi-faith group meets as often as we can arrange it, you curious about this or that? So-and-so will be here and loves to answer questions.

Kid loves church - in his age group, he's the only one so he gets a daycare worker (one of the youth, a delightful teenager who loves playing 'Star Wars' out in the yard) all to himself. Best day of the week.

I've told you what a wonderful adoption resource this group has turned out to be, right?

Jim had his 47th birthday Saturday, and I'm remembering being in Japan 7 years ago (one trip, just ONE and it's already 7 years ago) and wishing this one could have been bigger, but. We did manage to get out to Palm Springs and up the Tramway - managed to get kid into enough clothes he wasn't cold playing in the snow - managed to get up, down and home before we all collapsed in exhausted piles. I'm sure the pictures are going to be awesome. Me, still a bit sore. Sleep was also very broken during the weekend, too. Didn't help.

[livejournal.com profile] n6vfp was down Sunday (yay bike! yay CDs!), and kid was introduced to my old friend Marian Kelly and her daughter Dianne who finally managed a visit - it's been over two years and change, and it was wonderful. Marian *really* likes Xander and while kid thinks she's neat, he also dragged out what I consider the circus seal behavior I'd like to see him ditch. My kid will test you out to see just how much abuse you can handle, disguised as 'play' - she thought the attention was wonderful, I had to tell him to quit throwing toys at her. Ah, parenting.

I'm looking forward to sleeping tonight. Yay, Monday.
kyburg: (Default)
I really hate cancer. It got Diana Wynne Jones over the weekend, and I can already hear folks pishing and poshing that 'well, she smoked, she got what she deserved and she Had To Know - '

Okay, nobody deserves cancer, okay? Just stop it. You can ride a motorcycle and die doing it, the statistics are all lined up to tell you that's the probable outcome. You still don't deserve it. (I will look at you funny, maybe even chortle if you ride around with a helmet, shorts and sneakers when you ditch that bike on the interstate, you fool - but you don't deserve to DIE, for crying out loud. Psst - go get a decent set of boots and at least some long pants - m'kay?)

Looking at the short write up, there's plenty she didn't deserve - but ended up having to cope with, and I'm amazed she was as lovely a spirit afterward as she was. I've met so many adversity soured like a moldy loaf of bread, you have no idea.

That said - if you smoke, please stop. That's all I want for my birthday, Christmas and forever.

I am sick to death of hearing people claim 'hackery' when it's plain they just don't Like Something. You know what? I declare a moratorium on the word around me - I won't use it if you don't. Find other words, and more of them. *grumble*

Going to church yesterday, I passed the Calvary Chapel megachurch near the house - can someone explain to me why a church needs a security checkpoint? You know the kind, search your bags, metal detectors and pat you down before going in?

What the eff are they looking for? And from a congregation where everyone has to know at least your employment status to join? I got nothing.

I went to ours, told my friends and we were suitably aghast. Church services are NOT a rock concert, for crying out loud - this is the place with the new buildings, gift shop, you name it, they have a bumpersticker for it - megachurch. What are they telling people inside there that's scaring them so much they don't even trust each other?

What are we doing? Looking for ways to get people to come visit us, no strings attached. All the public Easter egg hunts have been cancelled and done away with (thank the budget cuts) - so we're looking to expand ours to allow the public to join us. NO CHECKPOINTS. Matter of fact, I'm floating a gaming night once a month in the church hall - thinking of starting out with Settlers of Catan - anyone want some? The stich-n-bitch is nearly a done deal - and I'll be teaching sewing and find someone to come in to service sewing machines if I don't miss my guess.

We're nice. And we'll feed you if you're hungry. Yes, those are pink triangles you see folks wearing, and oh, the multi-faith group meets as often as we can arrange it, you curious about this or that? So-and-so will be here and loves to answer questions.

Kid loves church - in his age group, he's the only one so he gets a daycare worker (one of the youth, a delightful teenager who loves playing 'Star Wars' out in the yard) all to himself. Best day of the week.

I've told you what a wonderful adoption resource this group has turned out to be, right?

Jim had his 47th birthday Saturday, and I'm remembering being in Japan 7 years ago (one trip, just ONE and it's already 7 years ago) and wishing this one could have been bigger, but. We did manage to get out to Palm Springs and up the Tramway - managed to get kid into enough clothes he wasn't cold playing in the snow - managed to get up, down and home before we all collapsed in exhausted piles. I'm sure the pictures are going to be awesome. Me, still a bit sore. Sleep was also very broken during the weekend, too. Didn't help.

[livejournal.com profile] n6vfp was down Sunday (yay bike! yay CDs!), and kid was introduced to my old friend Marian Kelly and her daughter Dianne who finally managed a visit - it's been over two years and change, and it was wonderful. Marian *really* likes Xander and while kid thinks she's neat, he also dragged out what I consider the circus seal behavior I'd like to see him ditch. My kid will test you out to see just how much abuse you can handle, disguised as 'play' - she thought the attention was wonderful, I had to tell him to quit throwing toys at her. Ah, parenting.

I'm looking forward to sleeping tonight. Yay, Monday.
kyburg: (dragon fist)
This is getting to be a pattern. But, since I've long past reached the point where I know what will happen when you mix baking soda and vinegar together, such things can be taken as a pleasant change of pace. A surprise, take it or leave it.

I finally got to chat up my fellow APs at church yesterday - the ones who adopted from Russia 12 years ago? Well, I got something I hadn't expected - sympathy for the woman who had put her child on a plane back to Russia alone. As in - wish I had been that smart!

Suffice it to say, my ire at what had been done to the child hadn't reached a sympathetic audience. Let's be blunt - I haven't had a chance to talk to another AP, outside of Jim, about this. She had. She'd had a whole school of parents of children like hers - an adaptive school, the short-bus variety, pick your label - to talk to about it.

Um.

Okay, I just got slapped in the face with my own privilege again - to a point. One, my kid does not have RAD, PDD or any noticeable delays to report. Matter of fact, he's ahead of the curve, adapting well and you'd be hard-pressed to pick him out of the crowd of his peers as 'that kid' these days. When we show up - that changes. Just a bit. He doesn't change from being incredibly bright, engaged, healthy and energetic. He prefers his father over me, but they do more things together, and if you want comfort - that's your guy - so none of that is concerning.

My child is not FAS, FAE. Not even a little bit. I can't tell you how devastating that is - and there is nothing to do about it once it happens. Your child is exposed in utereo to alchol and takes damage...it's worse than anything you ever imagined. And it's incremental. A kid who looks pretty much okay will have it, and it won't show up until they hit school age and then it's a clusterfuck. Particularly in an international adoption. There are guys who specialize in making educated guesses based on the photographs you get with your referral - and they're DEAD serious. Consult these guys before you sign - mean it.

Because if you aren't ready for it?

Wish I had been that smart.

They've done wonderful things with their kid - I was able to put an arm around his shoulders and give him a big hug of greeting after church which was returned with a smile and some surprise. A RAD kid? You'd have gotten too much or too little response, or something inappropriate in return - I keep telling his folks what a great kid he is and how good a job they've done with him. They have. He and my kid adore each other, it shows whenever they interact with each other. (Church provides a lot more than faith, and has more reasons for being on my schedule that good behavior. It provides a social outlet and resources - good ones. Case in point.)

God, I need to talk to them some more about this.

IMHO, I've ducked that bullet. Next kid will have the institutional-created delays in addition to any nutritionally created ones, let alone the attachment potentials you face in any adoption, based on age at placement, and the kid herself. You gotta be ready for that. If I learned nothing else in those years of parenting classes - it was this: you're here because you need to be ready for awful, terrible outcomes. You still want to do this?

I lined up titled, experienced professionals. I have books to refer back to. I loaded my long-term memory with a lot of reading. I take nothing on first or second glance, and expect things a lot of folks would rather I didn't. If bad things don't show up? WIN. But if they do? I may grieve. But I have a path to take to cope. And then - make it better.

People who only saw healthy white infants in need of adoption? I'd looked at my share of waiting children lists for Russia. Romania. And decided it was not for me. I'm not a child development degreed - mine is in popular culture, to be blunt - it shares more with a English/Public Relations function than Social Work or Education.

My agency did not do placements from Russia or Romania - or the Phillipines, India or Cambodia. They had identified needs in China and Taiwan - so that's where we went. Well established programs with some well identified (and experienced) pitfalls. Over and over. Be ready. Sure you want to do this? Be ready.

So - I'm not exactly shocked. Rocked back on my heels a bit - it's the first person I've run into who had anything but rage directed at the lady in TN who abrupted/disrupted her adoption in the most creepy, heartless, exacting way on the record so far. I *still* want to get my hands on that kid myself to see exactly what the issue was and see what I could do (no, seriously - I've been renting space in my head over this) but I'll never get a shot at it because she did what she (and her mother) did.

Happy Mothers Day.

For the record? Mother's Day stuff for me was done on Saturday - Sunday was a complete non-starter in the celebrating category. Church, lunch at McDonald's (er, yum), naps and then keeping kid occupied and out of the house while Jim came home sick and put himself to bed. It involved kid and I doing some shopping and picking up of things, but nothing more involved that that. Sis and my Mom? Well, I sent flowers to the mothers - and that was the extent of their involvement in my Mother's Day. Mom called me, we talked - but neither of us had heard from Sis.

I really wanted that mimosa, yanno. Oh well. Guess I get to make them myself at home.

I didn't get to go light the candles we did last year. But we also didn't have the misery that was dim sum last year this year either. (Poor kid wouldn't eat anything. And I was a wreck.)

This year - much improved over last year. And the outlook remains bright and unclouded. When I say my kid is adapting well, that does not mean he doesn't have processing going on (I've been hearing a lot of Taiwan-related comps lately) and knows everything is changed from what he started with. He grieves and things can trigger some real tears. That's how we know we've got a kid that is adapting - we can see the struggle. It's normal. If it didn't show up this way, it would show up in others - and they would be harder to cope with.

And like anything else with kids - once you get it all down, they outgrow it and pick up a whole new set for you to get used to.

Thanks for all your good wishes - they were greatly appreciated. And now? Now is Monday, now in progress. Did you get your Wheaties this morning?
kyburg: (dragon fist)
This is getting to be a pattern. But, since I've long past reached the point where I know what will happen when you mix baking soda and vinegar together, such things can be taken as a pleasant change of pace. A surprise, take it or leave it.

I finally got to chat up my fellow APs at church yesterday - the ones who adopted from Russia 12 years ago? Well, I got something I hadn't expected - sympathy for the woman who had put her child on a plane back to Russia alone. As in - wish I had been that smart!

Suffice it to say, my ire at what had been done to the child hadn't reached a sympathetic audience. Let's be blunt - I haven't had a chance to talk to another AP, outside of Jim, about this. She had. She'd had a whole school of parents of children like hers - an adaptive school, the short-bus variety, pick your label - to talk to about it.

Um.

Okay, I just got slapped in the face with my own privilege again - to a point. One, my kid does not have RAD, PDD or any noticeable delays to report. Matter of fact, he's ahead of the curve, adapting well and you'd be hard-pressed to pick him out of the crowd of his peers as 'that kid' these days. When we show up - that changes. Just a bit. He doesn't change from being incredibly bright, engaged, healthy and energetic. He prefers his father over me, but they do more things together, and if you want comfort - that's your guy - so none of that is concerning.

My child is not FAS, FAE. Not even a little bit. I can't tell you how devastating that is - and there is nothing to do about it once it happens. Your child is exposed in utereo to alchol and takes damage...it's worse than anything you ever imagined. And it's incremental. A kid who looks pretty much okay will have it, and it won't show up until they hit school age and then it's a clusterfuck. Particularly in an international adoption. There are guys who specialize in making educated guesses based on the photographs you get with your referral - and they're DEAD serious. Consult these guys before you sign - mean it.

Because if you aren't ready for it?

Wish I had been that smart.

They've done wonderful things with their kid - I was able to put an arm around his shoulders and give him a big hug of greeting after church which was returned with a smile and some surprise. A RAD kid? You'd have gotten too much or too little response, or something inappropriate in return - I keep telling his folks what a great kid he is and how good a job they've done with him. They have. He and my kid adore each other, it shows whenever they interact with each other. (Church provides a lot more than faith, and has more reasons for being on my schedule that good behavior. It provides a social outlet and resources - good ones. Case in point.)

God, I need to talk to them some more about this.

IMHO, I've ducked that bullet. Next kid will have the institutional-created delays in addition to any nutritionally created ones, let alone the attachment potentials you face in any adoption, based on age at placement, and the kid herself. You gotta be ready for that. If I learned nothing else in those years of parenting classes - it was this: you're here because you need to be ready for awful, terrible outcomes. You still want to do this?

I lined up titled, experienced professionals. I have books to refer back to. I loaded my long-term memory with a lot of reading. I take nothing on first or second glance, and expect things a lot of folks would rather I didn't. If bad things don't show up? WIN. But if they do? I may grieve. But I have a path to take to cope. And then - make it better.

People who only saw healthy white infants in need of adoption? I'd looked at my share of waiting children lists for Russia. Romania. And decided it was not for me. I'm not a child development degreed - mine is in popular culture, to be blunt - it shares more with a English/Public Relations function than Social Work or Education.

My agency did not do placements from Russia or Romania - or the Phillipines, India or Cambodia. They had identified needs in China and Taiwan - so that's where we went. Well established programs with some well identified (and experienced) pitfalls. Over and over. Be ready. Sure you want to do this? Be ready.

So - I'm not exactly shocked. Rocked back on my heels a bit - it's the first person I've run into who had anything but rage directed at the lady in TN who abrupted/disrupted her adoption in the most creepy, heartless, exacting way on the record so far. I *still* want to get my hands on that kid myself to see exactly what the issue was and see what I could do (no, seriously - I've been renting space in my head over this) but I'll never get a shot at it because she did what she (and her mother) did.

Happy Mothers Day.

For the record? Mother's Day stuff for me was done on Saturday - Sunday was a complete non-starter in the celebrating category. Church, lunch at McDonald's (er, yum), naps and then keeping kid occupied and out of the house while Jim came home sick and put himself to bed. It involved kid and I doing some shopping and picking up of things, but nothing more involved that that. Sis and my Mom? Well, I sent flowers to the mothers - and that was the extent of their involvement in my Mother's Day. Mom called me, we talked - but neither of us had heard from Sis.

I really wanted that mimosa, yanno. Oh well. Guess I get to make them myself at home.

I didn't get to go light the candles we did last year. But we also didn't have the misery that was dim sum last year this year either. (Poor kid wouldn't eat anything. And I was a wreck.)

This year - much improved over last year. And the outlook remains bright and unclouded. When I say my kid is adapting well, that does not mean he doesn't have processing going on (I've been hearing a lot of Taiwan-related comps lately) and knows everything is changed from what he started with. He grieves and things can trigger some real tears. That's how we know we've got a kid that is adapting - we can see the struggle. It's normal. If it didn't show up this way, it would show up in others - and they would be harder to cope with.

And like anything else with kids - once you get it all down, they outgrow it and pick up a whole new set for you to get used to.

Thanks for all your good wishes - they were greatly appreciated. And now? Now is Monday, now in progress. Did you get your Wheaties this morning?
kyburg: (dragon fist)
This is getting to be a pattern. But, since I've long past reached the point where I know what will happen when you mix baking soda and vinegar together, such things can be taken as a pleasant change of pace. A surprise, take it or leave it.

I finally got to chat up my fellow APs at church yesterday - the ones who adopted from Russia 12 years ago? Well, I got something I hadn't expected - sympathy for the woman who had put her child on a plane back to Russia alone. As in - wish I had been that smart!

Suffice it to say, my ire at what had been done to the child hadn't reached a sympathetic audience. Let's be blunt - I haven't had a chance to talk to another AP, outside of Jim, about this. She had. She'd had a whole school of parents of children like hers - an adaptive school, the short-bus variety, pick your label - to talk to about it.

Um.

Okay, I just got slapped in the face with my own privilege again - to a point. One, my kid does not have RAD, PDD or any noticeable delays to report. Matter of fact, he's ahead of the curve, adapting well and you'd be hard-pressed to pick him out of the crowd of his peers as 'that kid' these days. When we show up - that changes. Just a bit. He doesn't change from being incredibly bright, engaged, healthy and energetic. He prefers his father over me, but they do more things together, and if you want comfort - that's your guy - so none of that is concerning.

My child is not FAS, FAE. Not even a little bit. I can't tell you how devastating that is - and there is nothing to do about it once it happens. Your child is exposed in utereo to alchol and takes damage...it's worse than anything you ever imagined. And it's incremental. A kid who looks pretty much okay will have it, and it won't show up until they hit school age and then it's a clusterfuck. Particularly in an international adoption. There are guys who specialize in making educated guesses based on the photographs you get with your referral - and they're DEAD serious. Consult these guys before you sign - mean it.

Because if you aren't ready for it?

Wish I had been that smart.

They've done wonderful things with their kid - I was able to put an arm around his shoulders and give him a big hug of greeting after church which was returned with a smile and some surprise. A RAD kid? You'd have gotten too much or too little response, or something inappropriate in return - I keep telling his folks what a great kid he is and how good a job they've done with him. They have. He and my kid adore each other, it shows whenever they interact with each other. (Church provides a lot more than faith, and has more reasons for being on my schedule that good behavior. It provides a social outlet and resources - good ones. Case in point.)

God, I need to talk to them some more about this.

IMHO, I've ducked that bullet. Next kid will have the institutional-created delays in addition to any nutritionally created ones, let alone the attachment potentials you face in any adoption, based on age at placement, and the kid herself. You gotta be ready for that. If I learned nothing else in those years of parenting classes - it was this: you're here because you need to be ready for awful, terrible outcomes. You still want to do this?

I lined up titled, experienced professionals. I have books to refer back to. I loaded my long-term memory with a lot of reading. I take nothing on first or second glance, and expect things a lot of folks would rather I didn't. If bad things don't show up? WIN. But if they do? I may grieve. But I have a path to take to cope. And then - make it better.

People who only saw healthy white infants in need of adoption? I'd looked at my share of waiting children lists for Russia. Romania. And decided it was not for me. I'm not a child development degreed - mine is in popular culture, to be blunt - it shares more with a English/Public Relations function than Social Work or Education.

My agency did not do placements from Russia or Romania - or the Phillipines, India or Cambodia. They had identified needs in China and Taiwan - so that's where we went. Well established programs with some well identified (and experienced) pitfalls. Over and over. Be ready. Sure you want to do this? Be ready.

So - I'm not exactly shocked. Rocked back on my heels a bit - it's the first person I've run into who had anything but rage directed at the lady in TN who abrupted/disrupted her adoption in the most creepy, heartless, exacting way on the record so far. I *still* want to get my hands on that kid myself to see exactly what the issue was and see what I could do (no, seriously - I've been renting space in my head over this) but I'll never get a shot at it because she did what she (and her mother) did.

Happy Mothers Day.

For the record? Mother's Day stuff for me was done on Saturday - Sunday was a complete non-starter in the celebrating category. Church, lunch at McDonald's (er, yum), naps and then keeping kid occupied and out of the house while Jim came home sick and put himself to bed. It involved kid and I doing some shopping and picking up of things, but nothing more involved that that. Sis and my Mom? Well, I sent flowers to the mothers - and that was the extent of their involvement in my Mother's Day. Mom called me, we talked - but neither of us had heard from Sis.

I really wanted that mimosa, yanno. Oh well. Guess I get to make them myself at home.

I didn't get to go light the candles we did last year. But we also didn't have the misery that was dim sum last year this year either. (Poor kid wouldn't eat anything. And I was a wreck.)

This year - much improved over last year. And the outlook remains bright and unclouded. When I say my kid is adapting well, that does not mean he doesn't have processing going on (I've been hearing a lot of Taiwan-related comps lately) and knows everything is changed from what he started with. He grieves and things can trigger some real tears. That's how we know we've got a kid that is adapting - we can see the struggle. It's normal. If it didn't show up this way, it would show up in others - and they would be harder to cope with.

And like anything else with kids - once you get it all down, they outgrow it and pick up a whole new set for you to get used to.

Thanks for all your good wishes - they were greatly appreciated. And now? Now is Monday, now in progress. Did you get your Wheaties this morning?
kyburg: (trek)
It was in 2005 that we started planning our family - while by having our own or by adoption. We went to DCFS first, though - and spent two years in their playpen futzing around. It was only after doing that, that we went to a private agency to see what our options were.

Almost immediately after we began our work towards accepting a referral from China, the waits exploded from a nine month to where we are today - twenty-four, change and likely twenty-four more.

One day in the spring of 2004, he presented himself at Yang Shuiying's doorstep and commanded: "Bring out the baby."

Yang wept and argued, but, alone with her 4-month-old daughter, she was in no position to resist the man every parent in Tianxi feared.

"I'm going to sell the baby for foreign adoption. I can get a lot of money for her," he told the sobbing mother as he drove her with the baby to an orphanage in Zhenyuan, a nearby city in the southern province of Guizhou. In return, he promised that the family wouldn't have to pay fines for violating China's one-child policy.

Then he warned her: "Don't tell anyone about it."


It's a really good story about what happens in just about every international program - corrpution seeps in, and in some really awful ways. Guatemala shut down like this. Vietnam shut down like this. India shut down like this. Just about everywhere shuts down like this.

You have to be vigilant, and oh so careful. And a PIA. (Which I can do.)

I'm really glad I was never part of this one. And for the record - check the dates. They (the Chinese officials in charge of this process) stomped on it - HARD. The long waits? Directly due to what they found - and stopped - cold. The biggest changes came down in May of 2007 - no single, fat, depressed, pre-existing conditions, etc. (And if you're male and American, your own goverment will insist you be more than 25 or more years older than the child you're adopting. You're single and a guy, you're a perv. Just thought I'd let you know. >_<)

They still believe international adoption is good - better - than birth parents, in the case of 'greedy parents' who have 'too many children.' So, the program continues.

You have to decide if you're going to be a part of it, knowing what you know.

I have no trouble waiting for a child who truly needs parents. As I said in making the decision to go this route - I don't want to create a child when one did not just appear in our lives any other way. I don't want assisted, I don't want a surrogate - let me have the kid who just needs parents, period.

Oh, and the $3,000 agency fee? It's now $5,000.

And I'll be looking at any referral offered to us from China carefully. Oh, very very carefully indeed.
kyburg: (trek)
It was in 2005 that we started planning our family - while by having our own or by adoption. We went to DCFS first, though - and spent two years in their playpen futzing around. It was only after doing that, that we went to a private agency to see what our options were.

Almost immediately after we began our work towards accepting a referral from China, the waits exploded from a nine month to where we are today - twenty-four, change and likely twenty-four more.

One day in the spring of 2004, he presented himself at Yang Shuiying's doorstep and commanded: "Bring out the baby."

Yang wept and argued, but, alone with her 4-month-old daughter, she was in no position to resist the man every parent in Tianxi feared.

"I'm going to sell the baby for foreign adoption. I can get a lot of money for her," he told the sobbing mother as he drove her with the baby to an orphanage in Zhenyuan, a nearby city in the southern province of Guizhou. In return, he promised that the family wouldn't have to pay fines for violating China's one-child policy.

Then he warned her: "Don't tell anyone about it."


It's a really good story about what happens in just about every international program - corrpution seeps in, and in some really awful ways. Guatemala shut down like this. Vietnam shut down like this. India shut down like this. Just about everywhere shuts down like this.

You have to be vigilant, and oh so careful. And a PIA. (Which I can do.)

I'm really glad I was never part of this one. And for the record - check the dates. They (the Chinese officials in charge of this process) stomped on it - HARD. The long waits? Directly due to what they found - and stopped - cold. The biggest changes came down in May of 2007 - no single, fat, depressed, pre-existing conditions, etc. (And if you're male and American, your own goverment will insist you be more than 25 or more years older than the child you're adopting. You're single and a guy, you're a perv. Just thought I'd let you know. >_<)

They still believe international adoption is good - better - than birth parents, in the case of 'greedy parents' who have 'too many children.' So, the program continues.

You have to decide if you're going to be a part of it, knowing what you know.

I have no trouble waiting for a child who truly needs parents. As I said in making the decision to go this route - I don't want to create a child when one did not just appear in our lives any other way. I don't want assisted, I don't want a surrogate - let me have the kid who just needs parents, period.

Oh, and the $3,000 agency fee? It's now $5,000.

And I'll be looking at any referral offered to us from China carefully. Oh, very very carefully indeed.
kyburg: (trek)
It was in 2005 that we started planning our family - while by having our own or by adoption. We went to DCFS first, though - and spent two years in their playpen futzing around. It was only after doing that, that we went to a private agency to see what our options were.

Almost immediately after we began our work towards accepting a referral from China, the waits exploded from a nine month to where we are today - twenty-four, change and likely twenty-four more.

One day in the spring of 2004, he presented himself at Yang Shuiying's doorstep and commanded: "Bring out the baby."

Yang wept and argued, but, alone with her 4-month-old daughter, she was in no position to resist the man every parent in Tianxi feared.

"I'm going to sell the baby for foreign adoption. I can get a lot of money for her," he told the sobbing mother as he drove her with the baby to an orphanage in Zhenyuan, a nearby city in the southern province of Guizhou. In return, he promised that the family wouldn't have to pay fines for violating China's one-child policy.

Then he warned her: "Don't tell anyone about it."


It's a really good story about what happens in just about every international program - corrpution seeps in, and in some really awful ways. Guatemala shut down like this. Vietnam shut down like this. India shut down like this. Just about everywhere shuts down like this.

You have to be vigilant, and oh so careful. And a PIA. (Which I can do.)

I'm really glad I was never part of this one. And for the record - check the dates. They (the Chinese officials in charge of this process) stomped on it - HARD. The long waits? Directly due to what they found - and stopped - cold. The biggest changes came down in May of 2007 - no single, fat, depressed, pre-existing conditions, etc. (And if you're male and American, your own goverment will insist you be more than 25 or more years older than the child you're adopting. You're single and a guy, you're a perv. Just thought I'd let you know. >_<)

They still believe international adoption is good - better - than birth parents, in the case of 'greedy parents' who have 'too many children.' So, the program continues.

You have to decide if you're going to be a part of it, knowing what you know.

I have no trouble waiting for a child who truly needs parents. As I said in making the decision to go this route - I don't want to create a child when one did not just appear in our lives any other way. I don't want assisted, I don't want a surrogate - let me have the kid who just needs parents, period.

Oh, and the $3,000 agency fee? It's now $5,000.

And I'll be looking at any referral offered to us from China carefully. Oh, very very carefully indeed.

Update -

May. 18th, 2009 03:38 pm
kyburg: (facepalm)
On the stand Friday, Sieferman recounted being hospitalized in June because of fears she might harm herself and her daughters. She'd lost a job in May, she said, part of a spiral that began in 2004 when she was laid off from the Guidant Corp. (now Boston Scientific).

61 years old, educated to the gills - two daughters from China - and she's now signing her parental rights away (her kids are going to be adopted by a relative) and entering the penal system for at least 11 years.

The kids survived and are doing well - according to the report.

...

Everyone has a breaking point. It's 2009 - and struggling since 2004? I'd have to say the breaking point was passed and ignored - wouldn't you?

The real bitch I have with this? I found this on one of my PAP mailing lists - and the poster was all gushy about 'oh, I'm so glad the kids are okay, I was so worried about them!'

(Uh, how many kids in the domestic foster care system right now?)

Ghad, no wonder then. Mother didn't matter, did she? (And wouldn't a hospitalization for depression trigger SOME set of services? Hul-LO?)

Relative is taking the kids. Yay for being an adult in your majority and untouchable until you actually Do Something Bad. That's the only thing my head will allow that there is a relative able to adopt the kids, but couldn't do a damn thing prior to prevent this from happening in the first place.

Just saying.

Everyone lives. Everyone gets a second chance. Rocks didn't fall, everyone didn't die.

*kicks*

Update -

May. 18th, 2009 03:38 pm
kyburg: (facepalm)
On the stand Friday, Sieferman recounted being hospitalized in June because of fears she might harm herself and her daughters. She'd lost a job in May, she said, part of a spiral that began in 2004 when she was laid off from the Guidant Corp. (now Boston Scientific).

61 years old, educated to the gills - two daughters from China - and she's now signing her parental rights away (her kids are going to be adopted by a relative) and entering the penal system for at least 11 years.

The kids survived and are doing well - according to the report.

...

Everyone has a breaking point. It's 2009 - and struggling since 2004? I'd have to say the breaking point was passed and ignored - wouldn't you?

The real bitch I have with this? I found this on one of my PAP mailing lists - and the poster was all gushy about 'oh, I'm so glad the kids are okay, I was so worried about them!'

(Uh, how many kids in the domestic foster care system right now?)

Ghad, no wonder then. Mother didn't matter, did she? (And wouldn't a hospitalization for depression trigger SOME set of services? Hul-LO?)

Relative is taking the kids. Yay for being an adult in your majority and untouchable until you actually Do Something Bad. That's the only thing my head will allow that there is a relative able to adopt the kids, but couldn't do a damn thing prior to prevent this from happening in the first place.

Just saying.

Everyone lives. Everyone gets a second chance. Rocks didn't fall, everyone didn't die.

*kicks*

Update -

May. 18th, 2009 03:38 pm
kyburg: (facepalm)
On the stand Friday, Sieferman recounted being hospitalized in June because of fears she might harm herself and her daughters. She'd lost a job in May, she said, part of a spiral that began in 2004 when she was laid off from the Guidant Corp. (now Boston Scientific).

61 years old, educated to the gills - two daughters from China - and she's now signing her parental rights away (her kids are going to be adopted by a relative) and entering the penal system for at least 11 years.

The kids survived and are doing well - according to the report.

...

Everyone has a breaking point. It's 2009 - and struggling since 2004? I'd have to say the breaking point was passed and ignored - wouldn't you?

The real bitch I have with this? I found this on one of my PAP mailing lists - and the poster was all gushy about 'oh, I'm so glad the kids are okay, I was so worried about them!'

(Uh, how many kids in the domestic foster care system right now?)

Ghad, no wonder then. Mother didn't matter, did she? (And wouldn't a hospitalization for depression trigger SOME set of services? Hul-LO?)

Relative is taking the kids. Yay for being an adult in your majority and untouchable until you actually Do Something Bad. That's the only thing my head will allow that there is a relative able to adopt the kids, but couldn't do a damn thing prior to prevent this from happening in the first place.

Just saying.

Everyone lives. Everyone gets a second chance. Rocks didn't fall, everyone didn't die.

*kicks*

So -

May. 13th, 2009 01:56 pm
kyburg: (blog this)
Last night, kid had so much fun he didn't want to go to sleep. Dinner was ramen, apples, bananas and COOKIES. Then a bath, then some television...and it was pretty clear he was just plain happy to be here.

Seriously. Two hours later and he's pulling every trick in the book to stay up just that wee bit longer (including three bupkis trips to the bathroom, oldest trick in the book, neh?).

We had to load him up and drive up and down the 405 to put him to sleep. At about 8:30 PM. If that's not love, what is?

*sniggers*

So -

May. 13th, 2009 01:56 pm
kyburg: (blog this)
Last night, kid had so much fun he didn't want to go to sleep. Dinner was ramen, apples, bananas and COOKIES. Then a bath, then some television...and it was pretty clear he was just plain happy to be here.

Seriously. Two hours later and he's pulling every trick in the book to stay up just that wee bit longer (including three bupkis trips to the bathroom, oldest trick in the book, neh?).

We had to load him up and drive up and down the 405 to put him to sleep. At about 8:30 PM. If that's not love, what is?

*sniggers*

So -

May. 13th, 2009 01:56 pm
kyburg: (blog this)
Last night, kid had so much fun he didn't want to go to sleep. Dinner was ramen, apples, bananas and COOKIES. Then a bath, then some television...and it was pretty clear he was just plain happy to be here.

Seriously. Two hours later and he's pulling every trick in the book to stay up just that wee bit longer (including three bupkis trips to the bathroom, oldest trick in the book, neh?).

We had to load him up and drive up and down the 405 to put him to sleep. At about 8:30 PM. If that's not love, what is?

*sniggers*

Profile

kyburg: (Default)
kyburg

October 2017

S M T W T F S
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8910111213 14
15 16 1718192021
22232425262728
293031    

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Oct. 17th, 2017 08:34 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios