w00t w00t booyah

When you kid finally comes clean and tells you 'I'm scared you're going to throw me out' - you've got something to work with.

Grateful as hell I have the presence of mind these days to recognize this as a developmental milestone and not an insult. (That? That was my mother.) Then the fact this has been scaring him for weeks sinks in and it breaks me all over again.

Dammit, I was right. I just botched the approach.

But now that we know, there's hope to recover the situation - again.

Some Taiwanese women are reluctant to have children.

"We think it's not suitable to raise children, especially in Taiwan. In Taiwan, when a girl gets married she has to sacrifice a lot," one says.

"Once she reaches a certain academic level she can't just stay at home and take care of kids and her parents-in-law, but that's still what the older generation expects from them."

Another says: "Taiwan's work hours are really long. That makes it difficult to get married and have kids. You might not have much free time and it's hard to relax."

My agency right now is placing more children born in Taiwan than are born in mainland China. Why? The kids are there, needing families. More of them now than in the China program.

The wait right now is about two years - for an infant, mind. The hardest kind of adoption to find. If you are willing to adopt from foster care, older child? No problem. Six months, most of that court process time. For the China program? Check my profile - our LID for China was 02/27/07. Right now, five years and could go to seven.

In our case, our child was left at the hospital by the first mother. He was not the product of the marriage she was in - and at the time, presented with minor medical need. He was placed for adoption essentially at birth, but waited over two years before being released for a placement overseas. He wasn't special in that regard, as I'm finding.

So - not only do you have a significantly reduced birthrate, even infants released for adoption at birth aren't finding families. It's that tough and if you have a choice? You don't chose to become parents.

Here in the States, the primary indicator for declaring bankruptcy if you're female is whether or not you have children, married or single.

We are still positive on birthrate. But our children live in poverty at a rate most people would find horrifying - if they knew and actually processed what that meant. Remember, bankruptcy indicator.

It's not simple enough to say the wrong people are having children - ANYONE having children are subject to this risk of absolute financial disaster, no other factors consulted.

And still, the CW is 'I got mine, screw you! I don't want to pay for ANYONE else but me!'

Gosh, this just doesn't work. I don't know that we need to be overly concerned about global warming or not. A species that doesn't reproduce...and then rejects their young? Um. Yeah. That. That's painting with a broad brush, but geez.

(By comparison, even places that provide all kinds of incentives aren't doing much better - but being an absolute indicator of whether you're going to be a winner or a loser? It doesn't get much starker than this.)

Some Taiwanese women are reluctant to have children.

"We think it's not suitable to raise children, especially in Taiwan. In Taiwan, when a girl gets married she has to sacrifice a lot," one says.

"Once she reaches a certain academic level she can't just stay at home and take care of kids and her parents-in-law, but that's still what the older generation expects from them."

Another says: "Taiwan's work hours are really long. That makes it difficult to get married and have kids. You might not have much free time and it's hard to relax."

My agency right now is placing more children born in Taiwan than are born in mainland China. Why? The kids are there, needing families. More of them now than in the China program.

The wait right now is about two years - for an infant, mind. The hardest kind of adoption to find. If you are willing to adopt from foster care, older child? No problem. Six months, most of that court process time. For the China program? Check my profile - our LID for China was 02/27/07. Right now, five years and could go to seven.

In our case, our child was left at the hospital by the first mother. He was not the product of the marriage she was in - and at the time, presented with minor medical need. He was placed for adoption essentially at birth, but waited over two years before being released for a placement overseas. He wasn't special in that regard, as I'm finding.

So - not only do you have a significantly reduced birthrate, even infants released for adoption at birth aren't finding families. It's that tough and if you have a choice? You don't chose to become parents.

Here in the States, the primary indicator for declaring bankruptcy if you're female is whether or not you have children, married or single.

We are still positive on birthrate. But our children live in poverty at a rate most people would find horrifying - if they knew and actually processed what that meant. Remember, bankruptcy indicator.

It's not simple enough to say the wrong people are having children - ANYONE having children are subject to this risk of absolute financial disaster, no other factors consulted.

And still, the CW is 'I got mine, screw you! I don't want to pay for ANYONE else but me!'

Gosh, this just doesn't work. I don't know that we need to be overly concerned about global warming or not. A species that doesn't reproduce...and then rejects their young? Um. Yeah. That. That's painting with a broad brush, but geez.

(By comparison, even places that provide all kinds of incentives aren't doing much better - but being an absolute indicator of whether you're going to be a winner or a loser? It doesn't get much starker than this.)

Yesterday, I got an amazing phone call. Turns out, calling your congresscritter DOES work to your advantage. The best part is that I'd likely call him anyway, as much trouble as we've been in - Ted, save my bacon! Someone is stealing my bacon! It's BAAAACON!!!

Gawdernit.

I'd better laugh. It's that or kill things.

Turns out that being told I had to wait for public school to open, enroll my kid, walk him into a classroom and watch him struggle and fail out of it before an IEP could be *considered* let alone received, was not true. (Even thought that was what I had been told, just about as fast as possible before I could be hung up on.)

See, I got a call from a Director, relative to the LAUSD for the division of special education - after a number of people had been consulted - during a summer break, mind; they had to go out and find these guys on their vacations - and it was enlightening, to be blunt.

One, LAUSD and the State of California do not abandon you after they accredit your private school and leave you to cope with accommodation if you child needs it. There actually is a 'shadow' to what you would expect in the public system for the private - it's not as robust, mind but it's there - and my kid is enrolled in school. If he needs an IEP, he will get one. I will not need to move him to get it. And if current school can be 'fixed' to accept kid with the presenting features (hell, this week alone makes me wonder where exactly the problem IS anymore), I can't imagine they would refuse the services to make it happen.

He might get it in his home district - or he will get it in the nifty one the school lies in. That will come next two weeks or so.

Monday, his teacher went on vacation...and I brought in a doctor's note for kid. Tuesday, he goes on field trip and sticks the landing. The rest of the week has gone as well or better.

At home, kid is still waking up checking for us in the wee hours - and the night after the field trip, woke up calling for his teacher not to forget where he was. "Miss Angie, I'm right here!"

That's not every night, but often enough still to motivate us in the daylight hours to find a way to make it stop.

But the sheer amount of vibrating in place seems to be waning a bit. We've run into other kids and teachers from the old school too lately - it's definitely something in favor. I've also been actively working to find things to 'put back' from routines held from old school. It means hash browns for breakfast from Burger King once in a while, and playing video games instead of talking to me - but.

What have I learned.

You don't quit. You don't stop being a pushy broad and if you're scared witless, it's okay for that to work in your favor.

And there's a lot more to this - at least in the State of California - than I thought. More to come, I am sure of it.

But now, I think I can start picking up other things where they left off and stop doing this 110% of my waking time. For a while. Works in progress, things in motion - that sort of thing.

Okay. Two things happened yesterday.

One, school got a letter from therapist (at my urging) outlining kid being seen in a therapeutic environment, meeting criteria for separation anxiety.

Two, his teacher is on vacation and he has a substitute.

So...that means at the end of the day, the substitute decides kid is going on field trip tomorrow to go bumper bowling with the rest of his class.

Phone call, everything. They called both of us until they reached one of us. (Me? On phone dealing with appointments. Go figure.)

Jim already had the day off to take him to the new school to check them - so that had to be rescheduled, but. He's going along on field trip - he just can't ride the bus with kid to do it. I'm fine with that.

So - in one fell swoop, I have kid back on field trips and parent allowed to attend and observe. Note things one and two.

I've told Jim I want answers. Too good. Waaaay too easy, with the month and a half we've put in.

If this is a teacher issue, not a school issue - end result is the same, but I'm going to be even less impressed.

But - I hope kid has a great time. He's earned it.

Me? Waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Okay. Two things happened yesterday.

One, school got a letter from therapist (at my urging) outlining kid being seen in a therapeutic environment, meeting criteria for separation anxiety.

Two, his teacher is on vacation and he has a substitute.

So...that means at the end of the day, the substitute decides kid is going on field trip tomorrow to go bumper bowling with the rest of his class.

Phone call, everything. They called both of us until they reached one of us. (Me? On phone dealing with appointments. Go figure.)

Jim already had the day off to take him to the new school to check them - so that had to be rescheduled, but. He's going along on field trip - he just can't ride the bus with kid to do it. I'm fine with that.

So - in one fell swoop, I have kid back on field trips and parent allowed to attend and observe. Note things one and two.

I've told Jim I want answers. Too good. Waaaay too easy, with the month and a half we've put in.

If this is a teacher issue, not a school issue - end result is the same, but I'm going to be even less impressed.

But - I hope kid has a great time. He's earned it.

Me? Waiting for the other shoe to fall.

We got a break Thursday. A HUGE one.

I can dance on desks. I know how health care organizations go together in my state (oh boy, do I) - that, plus plenty of motivation to do something RIGHT NOW OR ELSE created a situation last week where I was on the phone most of every spare moment talking to case managers (at least three of them) insisting my kid needed services NOW NOW NOW.

Thursday afternoon, 4:30 PM, we got an appointment with Kaiser 8:30 AM the next morning. We took it.

We got him in, worked up and we can now get services appropriate to an adoptee suffering from separation anxiety (whether it is actually a disorder or just features, TBD) and my kid now gets a break. I can insist on shorter days. I can insist on one of us sitting in the classroom. I can INSIST on what I know will help.

And I got some advice on sleeping that is working like a treat. It was suggested I play music at night to dampen the hyper-vigilance of 'what is THAT' when the house shifted at night. So I went and got an iDog at the local toy store and hooked up the shuffle to it.

We quickly found that playing the music we had played going to school the past two years put kid out in minutes, as opposed to hours. Last night, he fought it a bit (hey, a three hour nap will do that - he was only tired, not exhausted), but it still shortened the length of time to sleep considerably. Also, it stopped making us the mean parents insisting on compliance, this was fun - all win.

The approach of 'what can we put BACK?' helps the most. He's getting a lunch packed again every morning - instead of being made to eat whatever is on the menu. He plays learning games on my iPod on the drive over. You never really think of everything that changes with a change in location, but those had gone completely under the radar. Little things.

I still see a stressed kid when his Dad isn't around, but it isn't as complete a lock up.

But you ought to see my calendar. Holy crap, it's a total dance card from hell.

Tomorrow, a ride along at the Montessori School near the water - cross fingers. I'm hoping - half dreading - that this will be a better fit. Hoping, because we keep control over the school environment. Dreading, because it's costlier and more driving that we have now. Regardless, kid will be getting therapy going forward for this - hopefully, we 'll see it wane. And he'll get better at managing it himself, instead of us modifying everything around him (which we are seriously doing right now, and have since he came home).

The finances are a wreck. No surprise there, right? Oh, and his birthday party is in two weeks. Watch me pulling flying monkeys out of my ass!

See icon. That's me, trying to deal with six year old with separation anxiety.

He hates school. Can't say I'm surprised, they aren't impressed at all with him either. He won't sit still, won't pay attention to directions, distracts himself by playing with his shoes, pestering the kid next to him, talking talking talking talking....

But give him a task, and he's all over it. Let him do worksheets - he loves it. But no, this is a summer session and that would be WORK. Their idea of a summer break is going to be the end of us.

He's been benched from ever leaving the school on a field trip again. That's nearly $200 down the drain because - ta da! - it's his fault. (Yes, you have to pay for field trips. Why yes, yes we did. In advance. Why wouldn't we?)

I take him to Kaiser - they look at age, gender, starting kindergarden and disregard the parents telling the LCSW about the international adoption at age 3.5? Yanno, the one that scared him shitless? THAT ONE?

Oh no. ADHD. Go sign up for parenting classes, you dumbass. And get ready to start drugging your kid, some of them actually do well as adults. Hope you were expecting to institutionalize him at some point. Get out. Your turn is over, there's somebody waiting outside. Scram.

Welcome to becoming a statistic.

And he's still scared.

The next thing you hear is 'make sure you're taking care of yourself - you need to get respite!' Suuuuure. My kid is so uncertain about where his parents are, he's checking to see when my next church meeting is. Which is once a month or so. When's the next one, Mom? Now? Now?

I'm about glued to him as it is, and I don't dare go far. And I'm the one he hates.

He about comes unglued every time Jim leaves the room. Since he leaves first in the morning, and I take kid to school four days a week? I have a kid ready to run after the car every day, even though I'm sitting right there. 9 times out of 10, I'm also the only one insisting that shush means shush (not talk louder to be heard), so I am also not the Nice One. He wants Daddy. Well, shit kid so do I.

The motor mouth when tired. The yackity yack in bed once he's been put there. The lack of napping, so I have a bucket of bolts at the end of the day. No cope. None. No television, nothing. No fun at all.

This morning, he woke up tantruming. Fired us all. Said everyone was mean to him. I replied that when he didn't behave, he was the meanest one in the room. Meant it. The tantrum? Get up, put your toys back on your bed and get dressed. I put the toys back. Oh, the humanity.

He remembers everything. The clarity of process in this kid really dissuades me from jumping back to the hyperactivity bandwagon. It also makes me wonder how much he remembers prior to adoption, and what exactly happened.

The being cute to get out of it makes me wonder most of all. Did they try to place him prior to us, and it failed because he wouldn't behave? All he had to do was what he's doing now - and voila, back with foster parents. You remember, the ones he cried nine months for and begged us to return him to? Those parents.

The amount of work right now, just trying to get services in - and making sure he stays in a school setting right now? All hands, the cook and any politician I can drag into the fray. Really.

He's still scared. And I'm so angry I can barely think straight.

See icon. That's me, trying to deal with six year old with separation anxiety.

He hates school. Can't say I'm surprised, they aren't impressed at all with him either. He won't sit still, won't pay attention to directions, distracts himself by playing with his shoes, pestering the kid next to him, talking talking talking talking....

But give him a task, and he's all over it. Let him do worksheets - he loves it. But no, this is a summer session and that would be WORK. Their idea of a summer break is going to be the end of us.

He's been benched from ever leaving the school on a field trip again. That's nearly $200 down the drain because - ta da! - it's his fault. (Yes, you have to pay for field trips. Why yes, yes we did. In advance. Why wouldn't we?)

I take him to Kaiser - they look at age, gender, starting kindergarden and disregard the parents telling the LCSW about the international adoption at age 3.5? Yanno, the one that scared him shitless? THAT ONE?

Oh no. ADHD. Go sign up for parenting classes, you dumbass. And get ready to start drugging your kid, some of them actually do well as adults. Hope you were expecting to institutionalize him at some point. Get out. Your turn is over, there's somebody waiting outside. Scram.

Welcome to becoming a statistic.

And he's still scared.

The next thing you hear is 'make sure you're taking care of yourself - you need to get respite!' Suuuuure. My kid is so uncertain about where his parents are, he's checking to see when my next church meeting is. Which is once a month or so. When's the next one, Mom? Now? Now?

I'm about glued to him as it is, and I don't dare go far. And I'm the one he hates.

He about comes unglued every time Jim leaves the room. Since he leaves first in the morning, and I take kid to school four days a week? I have a kid ready to run after the car every day, even though I'm sitting right there. 9 times out of 10, I'm also the only one insisting that shush means shush (not talk louder to be heard), so I am also not the Nice One. He wants Daddy. Well, shit kid so do I.

The motor mouth when tired. The yackity yack in bed once he's been put there. The lack of napping, so I have a bucket of bolts at the end of the day. No cope. None. No television, nothing. No fun at all.

This morning, he woke up tantruming. Fired us all. Said everyone was mean to him. I replied that when he didn't behave, he was the meanest one in the room. Meant it. The tantrum? Get up, put your toys back on your bed and get dressed. I put the toys back. Oh, the humanity.

He remembers everything. The clarity of process in this kid really dissuades me from jumping back to the hyperactivity bandwagon. It also makes me wonder how much he remembers prior to adoption, and what exactly happened.

The being cute to get out of it makes me wonder most of all. Did they try to place him prior to us, and it failed because he wouldn't behave? All he had to do was what he's doing now - and voila, back with foster parents. You remember, the ones he cried nine months for and begged us to return him to? Those parents.

The amount of work right now, just trying to get services in - and making sure he stays in a school setting right now? All hands, the cook and any politician I can drag into the fray. Really.

He's still scared. And I'm so angry I can barely think straight.

And kid wants NOTHING to do with any of it.

Me? I'm down to trite gambatte ne's and the like.

Be strong, little guy. I know you can do it.

(Really wish I could make it clear why telling him 'this is going to be so much fun' doesn't help when he's lost everyone he knew...all he wants to do is go home with Mommy and Dada and STAY THERE.)

Sitting on my hands. Worried like whoa.