Can it just work?

[kyburg]

See icon. That's me, trying to deal with six year old with separation anxiety.

He hates school. Can't say I'm surprised, they aren't impressed at all with him either. He won't sit still, won't pay attention to directions, distracts himself by playing with his shoes, pestering the kid next to him, talking talking talking talking....

But give him a task, and he's all over it. Let him do worksheets - he loves it. But no, this is a summer session and that would be WORK. Their idea of a summer break is going to be the end of us.

He's been benched from ever leaving the school on a field trip again. That's nearly $200 down the drain because - ta da! - it's his fault. (Yes, you have to pay for field trips. Why yes, yes we did. In advance. Why wouldn't we?)

I take him to Kaiser - they look at age, gender, starting kindergarden and disregard the parents telling the LCSW about the international adoption at age 3.5? Yanno, the one that scared him shitless? THAT ONE?

Oh no. ADHD. Go sign up for parenting classes, you dumbass. And get ready to start drugging your kid, some of them actually do well as adults. Hope you were expecting to institutionalize him at some point. Get out. Your turn is over, there's somebody waiting outside. Scram.

Welcome to becoming a statistic.

And he's still scared.

The next thing you hear is 'make sure you're taking care of yourself - you need to get respite!' Suuuuure. My kid is so uncertain about where his parents are, he's checking to see when my next church meeting is. Which is once a month or so. When's the next one, Mom? Now? Now?

I'm about glued to him as it is, and I don't dare go far. And I'm the one he hates.

He about comes unglued every time Jim leaves the room. Since he leaves first in the morning, and I take kid to school four days a week? I have a kid ready to run after the car every day, even though I'm sitting right there. 9 times out of 10, I'm also the only one insisting that shush means shush (not talk louder to be heard), so I am also not the Nice One. He wants Daddy. Well, shit kid so do I.

The motor mouth when tired. The yackity yack in bed once he's been put there. The lack of napping, so I have a bucket of bolts at the end of the day. No cope. None. No television, nothing. No fun at all.

This morning, he woke up tantruming. Fired us all. Said everyone was mean to him. I replied that when he didn't behave, he was the meanest one in the room. Meant it. The tantrum? Get up, put your toys back on your bed and get dressed. I put the toys back. Oh, the humanity.

He remembers everything. The clarity of process in this kid really dissuades me from jumping back to the hyperactivity bandwagon. It also makes me wonder how much he remembers prior to adoption, and what exactly happened.

The being cute to get out of it makes me wonder most of all. Did they try to place him prior to us, and it failed because he wouldn't behave? All he had to do was what he's doing now - and voila, back with foster parents. You remember, the ones he cried nine months for and begged us to return him to? Those parents.

The amount of work right now, just trying to get services in - and making sure he stays in a school setting right now? All hands, the cook and any politician I can drag into the fray. Really.

He's still scared. And I'm so angry I can barely think straight.

Comments

[dsmoen.livejournal.com]

Oh the poor dear. :(

{hugs}

[lesliepear.livejournal.com]

(Hugs)
Maybe this isn't the school for him.
Perhaps it will be easier oncethe school year starts as a lot kids will be adjusting at the same time?

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

We're looking. But we've spent nine months getting him ready for this. I don't know anywhere else is going to be all that and a slice of cheese better.

[murphymom.livejournal.com]

Poor Xander! And poor you! (Actually, *more* poor you.) I agree with lesliepear - this sounds very much like the school is a bad fit (I've been thinking this for awhile, now.) What I'd be asking is, what (besides the obvious answer) is the difference between this school and Beach Babies? He adjusted to BB, and, if I remember correctly, with less stress than this. You say he loves worksheets - that, to me, speaks of a kid who loves structure (with a worksheet, there's a clear objective and you know what's expected of you). Is there not enough structure here? (And that would definitely explain a lot about the field trip issues, too.)
I have more, but I'll e-mail you. You can also call - if you manage to get a space of time when you have any cope left.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

BB had fella with him for the first weeks. This was nearly cold turkey, with some days at old school and then some days at new.

We had a kid in trouble in both places. And this place has a ton of structure - just not the kind he likes.

[dsmoen.livejournal.com]

I was insensitive to our hostess earlier. Of course I feel badly for her situation as well.

I got to thinking about my own stepson's issues after his parents broke up....and got distracted.

Structure's a good point, though, and one my stepson did better with. We needed to give him a mix of physical activities for energy burning along with more mental ones. (He's a kinesthetic learner, so it's not really a shocker that he wound up in the military.)

[sekl.livejournal.com]

Completely agree, he doesn't sound ADHD. He sounds scared though.

Adoption and special needs fall into different categories, but in this, I can tell you from experience the kid is picking up on being perceived as a problem and doesn't like it. Any chance of a different school? It will ease your anger and help his fear if you can find a place that accepts him instead of treating him like a problem.

As for respite, can you find another mom in equally sucky circumstances? I trade off with someone whose husband is in regularly on business in China or call a sitter. Three hours to yourself is dearly bought or expensive, but it helps you avoid the Darth Vader parenting methods.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Just calling the parents of his best buddy from the old school made me feel like a total creeper. No, there is nobody else in my boat nearby. I'm the object lesson de jour on what NOT to do with your life.

We're touring a new school tomorrow, but it has a waiting list. No idea how it will go, but good thoughts appreciated.

[callibr8]

Oh, poor him, and poor you! I'm soooo sorry that this is happening.

If it's worth anything, I absolutely think that the school is full of it and should issue you a refund (or you could take it to small claims court, the amount's right). They pretty clearly ARE NOT the right fit for your little guy!

I totally empathize with the rock vs hard place dilemma - we're having it too, with our seven year old. It's beyond suckage and well into crazy-making.

If you were to decide to search out new places, are there good places to begin, like a local [1] Angie's List or [2] parents-of-adoptees group or [3] recommendation from BB of places "their" kids have done well?

I wish you and him all the best in working through this. Many, many hugs.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

You can't take 'em to court when you signed a contract stating the terms. ^^;

What I've to got draw on, costs $15 an hour. Period.

[moropus.livejournal.com]

Paying for the field trips in advance is going to be one of those expensive life lessons, then. Its not at all fair, but obviously, he's a pay as you go kid.

This is so tough for you. You have my deepest sympathy.

I wish there was a way for you to find out everything that has happened to Xander befoe you brought him home.

[dame-of-dames.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that it's not going well. My best wishes are for you to get what you need for your family.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

oh! i'm so sorry he's having trouble, but i apparently have the reading comprehension skills of a kumquat and didn't realize you were a(n adoptive) parent. so i am happy to know you. :)

[pixievixen.livejournal.com]

i umpteenth the bad school fit...

anjolie is in a pre-k-8 montessori & it is really good about challenging each kid at their level. the classes have a teacher to every 10-12 kids, and mixed-grade classes after kindergarten. anjolie is in a 1st-3rd. this works, because each child has their own specific lesson plan (they do group and individual "jobs"). every kid gets plenty of one-on-one time.

i'm sorry it's all going so rough right now. i feel ya. i get to be the mean mommy plenty... and she is FIERCE. i am strict, but she really needs me to be. i have no doubt she is ADD (no hyperactivity), but so am i. she has the same issues breaking the big jobs into the small jobs.

i hope you find the right fit for him, and i hope that you get a little peace soon.

*hugs*

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

Good luck on finding a place that's a good fit for him. Is it even possible to get him with a different teacher(s) in that same school? The perception that he's a problem child is so completely unfair to him, and t doesn't sound like they're trying to figure out what to do to fix it.

[redqueenofevil.livejournal.com]

Wow, this school sounds like it's the problem. As a teacher, I've dealt with all kinds of kids and adults (including ADHD, aspergers, etc). It really sounds like they are the culprit, not Xander. As for the money, is there any sort of refund policy? Can you place him back in the previous school for a month or so? *gentle hugs*

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I wish. Tried everything.

The good news is, Friday we got a big break (and post coming on it) - and I see lights. Whether it is an oncoming train or the the way out of the tunnel remains to be seen.