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The Sad
I'd blame being a girl, except it isn't Shark Week (yet) and I'm still too sick of chocolate to want any. No, this IS possible. Hello, January?
Kid is back to preschool. And not napping at the center again. Cue the complete dissolution of life as we know it after 4 PM when we rush to manage to feed and wash child before he completely falls apart. Literally.
We almost made it last night - finding out he wasn't going to get to watch his beloved Secret Agent Oso, the heartbroken weeping would have broken anyone's heart...at least at this point, he'll accept comforting from me. That hasn't always been the case. You hardly *ever* see this outside of exhaustion. There just was no cope left.
We got through the washing, the dressing for bed and then the book-reading. He fell asleep right after the first Dr. Seuss tale, about a page into the next one. Snoring, completely OUT THUD sleeping. Six o'clock. With a nap, that's the dinner hour. Seven, a bath, eight, to bed - and I'd not worry about Real Sleep before nine.
Miss the nap, we miss the entire evening.
And of course, with warning - I didn't make anything more involved than the vauge outline of what to fed the Big People because I knew my hands would be full the moment the car arrived home with the boys in it. Dinner was cold cereal. Then I went looking for stuff the TiVo had caught that we hadn't watched. There was a delightful 'Underdog to Wonderdog' involving a pibble, then bupkis. Go pour sake and turn on Sims 2. Turn off game at ten, turn on TV and surf for something palatable.
Best thing was 'Dog the Bounty Hunter' - go ahead and eyeroll. It was worthy. That was after I attempted 'Medium' on Lifetime, which opened with a sequence involving a kidnapped three year old boy and his captor...who you didn't see, but you heard saying 'Now, you remember what I said about waiting to see what would happen to you if your Mommy made a good decision or a bad decision? Well...I'm sorry to say, she made a BAD decision...' And here the little boy is picked up and immediately begins crying in terror (How they GOT that, I don't know, did they cast for this? Wicked.) as you hear 'You don't need your fingers...they just get in the way' as they both go off-camera and the screen goes to black and the main character wakes up in a cold sweat.
Click. I can go watch fabulous bouncing...mullets instead. Yeah, no surprise here, either.
I think it's fair to allow me some reprocessing of adoption issues too - we're heading up to another milestone (two or three of them, to be honest) within the next two weeks, and I'm trying to get kiddo ready for it...and it's apparent we've been too skittish about talking about his adoption with him. I don't think he really knows why he's here, only that he is and that's that.
And he's been coming home too tired to do anything but head straight to bed - so I opened it up this morning. Explain a court process to a four year old. G'head. He sees a cop car, he assumes 'time out.' He's never seen a judge. (I may have to put on Judge Judy for him.)
We were looking at my Facebook albums, and of course there are two of them from Taiwan - but they don't have pictures of him in them, just Taiwan. He wanted to see more pictures. Okay. That's new. But the rest of the pictures of him in Taiwan are in the albums his foster family put together for him, and they are in the adoption box I plan to put into secure storage soon. (I may have to make a book of pictures just for him before I do. Color xeroxes go a long way these days.)
I'm going to be explaining foster family soon to him. How the only people he ever knew were only temporary - only they weren't, to him. And explain that I've been trying to keep them in touch, only to be told I can't. And that he didn't do anything. He's very bright, mind - but still. He's four.
Your Mama and Baba in Taiwan were a lot like your teachers at preschool. Only they took care of you ALL the time. They did this while everyone was looking for us - and we were looking for you. I don't know why they didn't want to adopt you, dear. Only that they were your foster family and they loved you as much as we do, as long as they could. They know you're with us, and we know where they are - but we can't call them or go over to their house anymore. It's too far away and it's not allowed.
But baby, we're the last Mommy and Daddy you'll ever have. As long as we live, we're IT. We'll never go anywhere without you.
God, don't let me fuck this up.
I remember crying about this when we accepted his referral. Just trying to put my head around this made me tear up - I just hoped it wouldn't break us all. If this was a domestic adoption out of foster care, we'd be encouraged to keep ties with his foster family. From Taiwan? You're to take your child, have a wonderful life and don't look back. They're done with you.
My head gets past this, but my heart hurts the same way every time I come back to this.
I need to explain this, and keep explaining it as he gets older and can take more information on and process it. Yes, it may hurt me to do it - but he *must* know it's my job and I *want* to do this. And not talking about it is Bad.
God, don't let me fuck this up.
Small pieces. Less than four syllables and scale to a four year old's level.
In other news, he's gone from swimming in 24 mos sized clothes to perfectly fitting into 3T this week. That's a bit shy of ten months. I'm impressed.
And a little sad around the edges.
Kid is back to preschool. And not napping at the center again. Cue the complete dissolution of life as we know it after 4 PM when we rush to manage to feed and wash child before he completely falls apart. Literally.
We almost made it last night - finding out he wasn't going to get to watch his beloved Secret Agent Oso, the heartbroken weeping would have broken anyone's heart...at least at this point, he'll accept comforting from me. That hasn't always been the case. You hardly *ever* see this outside of exhaustion. There just was no cope left.
We got through the washing, the dressing for bed and then the book-reading. He fell asleep right after the first Dr. Seuss tale, about a page into the next one. Snoring, completely OUT THUD sleeping. Six o'clock. With a nap, that's the dinner hour. Seven, a bath, eight, to bed - and I'd not worry about Real Sleep before nine.
Miss the nap, we miss the entire evening.
And of course, with warning - I didn't make anything more involved than the vauge outline of what to fed the Big People because I knew my hands would be full the moment the car arrived home with the boys in it. Dinner was cold cereal. Then I went looking for stuff the TiVo had caught that we hadn't watched. There was a delightful 'Underdog to Wonderdog' involving a pibble, then bupkis. Go pour sake and turn on Sims 2. Turn off game at ten, turn on TV and surf for something palatable.
Best thing was 'Dog the Bounty Hunter' - go ahead and eyeroll. It was worthy. That was after I attempted 'Medium' on Lifetime, which opened with a sequence involving a kidnapped three year old boy and his captor...who you didn't see, but you heard saying 'Now, you remember what I said about waiting to see what would happen to you if your Mommy made a good decision or a bad decision? Well...I'm sorry to say, she made a BAD decision...' And here the little boy is picked up and immediately begins crying in terror (How they GOT that, I don't know, did they cast for this? Wicked.) as you hear 'You don't need your fingers...they just get in the way' as they both go off-camera and the screen goes to black and the main character wakes up in a cold sweat.
Click. I can go watch fabulous bouncing...mullets instead. Yeah, no surprise here, either.
I think it's fair to allow me some reprocessing of adoption issues too - we're heading up to another milestone (two or three of them, to be honest) within the next two weeks, and I'm trying to get kiddo ready for it...and it's apparent we've been too skittish about talking about his adoption with him. I don't think he really knows why he's here, only that he is and that's that.
And he's been coming home too tired to do anything but head straight to bed - so I opened it up this morning. Explain a court process to a four year old. G'head. He sees a cop car, he assumes 'time out.' He's never seen a judge. (I may have to put on Judge Judy for him.)
We were looking at my Facebook albums, and of course there are two of them from Taiwan - but they don't have pictures of him in them, just Taiwan. He wanted to see more pictures. Okay. That's new. But the rest of the pictures of him in Taiwan are in the albums his foster family put together for him, and they are in the adoption box I plan to put into secure storage soon. (I may have to make a book of pictures just for him before I do. Color xeroxes go a long way these days.)
I'm going to be explaining foster family soon to him. How the only people he ever knew were only temporary - only they weren't, to him. And explain that I've been trying to keep them in touch, only to be told I can't. And that he didn't do anything. He's very bright, mind - but still. He's four.
Your Mama and Baba in Taiwan were a lot like your teachers at preschool. Only they took care of you ALL the time. They did this while everyone was looking for us - and we were looking for you. I don't know why they didn't want to adopt you, dear. Only that they were your foster family and they loved you as much as we do, as long as they could. They know you're with us, and we know where they are - but we can't call them or go over to their house anymore. It's too far away and it's not allowed.
But baby, we're the last Mommy and Daddy you'll ever have. As long as we live, we're IT. We'll never go anywhere without you.
God, don't let me fuck this up.
I remember crying about this when we accepted his referral. Just trying to put my head around this made me tear up - I just hoped it wouldn't break us all. If this was a domestic adoption out of foster care, we'd be encouraged to keep ties with his foster family. From Taiwan? You're to take your child, have a wonderful life and don't look back. They're done with you.
My head gets past this, but my heart hurts the same way every time I come back to this.
I need to explain this, and keep explaining it as he gets older and can take more information on and process it. Yes, it may hurt me to do it - but he *must* know it's my job and I *want* to do this. And not talking about it is Bad.
God, don't let me fuck this up.
Small pieces. Less than four syllables and scale to a four year old's level.
In other news, he's gone from swimming in 24 mos sized clothes to perfectly fitting into 3T this week. That's a bit shy of ten months. I'm impressed.
And a little sad around the edges.
no subject
I am sure you are doing everything you can.
*offers tea, scones and hugs*
no subject
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I can only stuff so much into my own head and then try to adapt it down to this example. In so many cases, the books assume the international adoptee is a Chinese Girl, not a Taiwanese Boy...and an infant at adoption, not a toddler. In that, I fall back to my old DCFS MAPPS and TIES classes - more age appropriate.
no subject
no subject
I won't say don't worry, I think the ones that don't worry at all are usually crappy parents, but don't let the worry put you off. You're doing great.
BIG HUGS for you all.
no subject
And as far as court procedure, any chances of breaking it down in Dora the Explorer fashion? You know Coutroom-->Judge speaks-->Sign papers-->Go home? A mantra goes a long way in making everything seem less weird.
no subject
FWIW: I must have been about 4 when my parents told me I was adopted - that was when they started the process with Children's Home Society to adopt the baby who eventually turned out to be my brother. One of the requirements was that I be told before they would even consider placing another child with us, so there could never be the, "I'm better than you because you're adopted." I truly have no memory of that conversation - and yet I do have fragments of memories of going to the agency twice. Once must have been so they could determine that I knew, and the other time was to pick up my brother and bring him home. So - admittedly, I didn't have Xander's experience of having one set of parents and then being uprooted, and it sucks majorly that he (and you) are being cut off from his roots, but what I'm saying is, it will be all right. I don't think there would be any harm in putting it that his foster parents *couldn't* adopt him, rather than saying that they didn't want to (and that may actually be the case).
Just my 2cents worth
no subject
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I would actually leave out this part unless he asks why the foster parents didn't keep him. The narrative works just as well without it, and if he doesn't ask, it's probably the case that he's not ready to grapple with the question.
Otherwise, very nicely done if you can pull it off. You know what? It doesn't have to go perfect either. It's ok to cry a little when you tell him, and add "I am very glad we found you, but also a little sad that it took so long, because I know that having to leave Mama and Baba after you knew them so well was very hard on you". Then you can also tell him it's okay if he's feeling sad and glad or sad and mad at the same time too, and even if he doesn't know exactly what he feels right then and there, and that you're always willing to talk about it whenever he's ready to (so he can ask you more questions when and if he's ready to process the whole thing).
no subject
See if you can take him into an empty courtroom. In my town, the judges see all the misdemeanor/minor felony people in court before lunch and then go to the office after lunch to do the rest of their work.
This means a few courtrooms are empty all afternoon. I don't know who you would have to call, but 5 minutes in an empty room might help a little.