Two years.
Mar. 15th, 2011 02:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyburgTwo years, tomorrow - Jim and I took a taxi from the best hotel either of us had ever stayed in, through tiny back streets listening to Armed Forces Radio out of the Phillipines (it was in English) to a small multi-level complex in Tainan, Taiwan. Arriving at 9 AM, for a 10 AM appointment - we would be kept waiting until nearly 1 PM for Xander's foster parents to arrive with him. (They were late - and today, I know they had stopped off for one more lunch at McDonald's with him. At the time, I had no idea.)
To hand him over to us, saying good bye forever to him. At that point, he was 3.5 years old and had never known any other parents but them. They'd had a DVD of Jim telling him about a tricyle, me reading 'If You Give A Mouse A Cookie' to him - they'd had a book of photographs to get him ready. What you can't tell a child that young in any useable way is that these strange people who don't speak your language are going to be the only thing even remotely familiar to you - after this day.
There is video Jim took while we were there - and we must have spent an hour just trying to get our feet under us. We didn't eat lunch, and I spent the bulk of the time his foster parents were there just trying to get this *tiny* little boy to play with me. The video breaks me anew every time I watch it.
They cried. He cried. He would cry for them for six months solid. And because I'm the heavy, I was the one who had to tell him they wouldn't be coming for him.
It would be nine months before he wanted *anything* to do with me. At times, I was barely the babysitter.
I was taking small videos and texting acquaintances with Chinese language proficiency just to know what he was saying. At night, it would be him begging to go home through the hysterics.
And there was no home to go to, because he was already at the one there was for him. For good or ill, we were it.
I can tell you, no amount of toys will compensate for the loss of everything you ever knew.
It's gotten better. The shock is in the past now, even though we experience anniversary echoes of the trauma and transitions of any kind rock him harder than the uninitiated are used to.
He's an amazing person. With no previous experience with companion animals, he walked into our home and greeted the cats, each one, as an equal and to this day has never harmed any of them, even out of curiosity. He's never so much as torn a piece of paper, or scribbled on the walls with a crayon or investigated the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. We're too protective to leave him unsupervised very long, but somewhere along the way, there is a lot of destructive behaviors that were either curbed younger than I can fathom, or he just doesn't have it in him.
He's innately safe - which can be kind of spooky. Monkey bars? Damn, he's good. Stops when he gets over his head, waaay before it would be an issue - and up to that point? Proficient and careful. Smart, smart boy.
It's clear he was spanked as the boundary to really unacceptable behavior, though. I didn't like finding that out.
He came to us completely toilet-trained, using utensils to eat with. Took a bottle of formula morning and evening, and it's clear why - this kid would NOT eat. And why not, when that was the best way to get attention focused on you? He was tiny. Think a 25 lb bag of sugar, at 3.5 years old - that won't eat.
It was rice, ramen, french fries, formula and chicken nuggets. For a loooong time. Each time we added something new, it was a major victory. Two years later, we're *still* adding - and struggling with - foods.
He's grown from being in 24mos clothing to being completely out of toddler clothes - size 5, top and bottom. A dozen pairs of shoes, all worn out and outgrown.
Within the first 90 days, he came down with scarlet fever. He had H1N1 in November. The pediatrician here put him on a nine month course of antibiotics for possible latent tuberculosis because he had a positive PPD skin test. (Well, duh - they inoculate for that in Taiwan, sheesh.) We had a long string of nasty high fever illnesses. (And me too - I was sick the entire first year and change. I was coughing up blood the day after AX that year.) That was special - and we had to compound the dose daily breaking down the tablets into shave ice syrup because the pharmacy didn't have one of its own.
Today? A sniffle now and then, nothing serious. I'm looking forward to the results from this year's physical because I'd like confirmation of him moving from the 0-2% in height weight to above the 50%. I'm pretty sure he has.
We start kindergarden this fall, if everything falls into place. We're having to work language hard - there are deficits - but we had been warned to expect them. Yes, we will being doing Chinese school - as soon as I'm confident his English won't be sunk by it.
And he misses me when I'm away. He really is Jim's kid, but Mommy isn't all bad anymore. (She's still the heavy, though.) I can tell him I love him and he believes me now. Before, sorry - no offense, but you have to understand you're new around here. And if you hate me enough, maybe you'll give me back.
I would have done anything to have made this easier - and I'm still trying to keep as much as I can, but more slides away every year. I want to go back to Taiwan. I want to reunite his foster family, even if just for an hour - I want them (and my kid) to know they didn't end when we showed up.
It's not a popular stance - but then again, am I one for sticking with popular if it doesn't work?
Two years.
Cuddle time.
To hand him over to us, saying good bye forever to him. At that point, he was 3.5 years old and had never known any other parents but them. They'd had a DVD of Jim telling him about a tricyle, me reading 'If You Give A Mouse A Cookie' to him - they'd had a book of photographs to get him ready. What you can't tell a child that young in any useable way is that these strange people who don't speak your language are going to be the only thing even remotely familiar to you - after this day.
There is video Jim took while we were there - and we must have spent an hour just trying to get our feet under us. We didn't eat lunch, and I spent the bulk of the time his foster parents were there just trying to get this *tiny* little boy to play with me. The video breaks me anew every time I watch it.
They cried. He cried. He would cry for them for six months solid. And because I'm the heavy, I was the one who had to tell him they wouldn't be coming for him.
It would be nine months before he wanted *anything* to do with me. At times, I was barely the babysitter.
I was taking small videos and texting acquaintances with Chinese language proficiency just to know what he was saying. At night, it would be him begging to go home through the hysterics.
And there was no home to go to, because he was already at the one there was for him. For good or ill, we were it.
I can tell you, no amount of toys will compensate for the loss of everything you ever knew.
It's gotten better. The shock is in the past now, even though we experience anniversary echoes of the trauma and transitions of any kind rock him harder than the uninitiated are used to.
He's an amazing person. With no previous experience with companion animals, he walked into our home and greeted the cats, each one, as an equal and to this day has never harmed any of them, even out of curiosity. He's never so much as torn a piece of paper, or scribbled on the walls with a crayon or investigated the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. We're too protective to leave him unsupervised very long, but somewhere along the way, there is a lot of destructive behaviors that were either curbed younger than I can fathom, or he just doesn't have it in him.
He's innately safe - which can be kind of spooky. Monkey bars? Damn, he's good. Stops when he gets over his head, waaay before it would be an issue - and up to that point? Proficient and careful. Smart, smart boy.
It's clear he was spanked as the boundary to really unacceptable behavior, though. I didn't like finding that out.
He came to us completely toilet-trained, using utensils to eat with. Took a bottle of formula morning and evening, and it's clear why - this kid would NOT eat. And why not, when that was the best way to get attention focused on you? He was tiny. Think a 25 lb bag of sugar, at 3.5 years old - that won't eat.
It was rice, ramen, french fries, formula and chicken nuggets. For a loooong time. Each time we added something new, it was a major victory. Two years later, we're *still* adding - and struggling with - foods.
He's grown from being in 24mos clothing to being completely out of toddler clothes - size 5, top and bottom. A dozen pairs of shoes, all worn out and outgrown.
Within the first 90 days, he came down with scarlet fever. He had H1N1 in November. The pediatrician here put him on a nine month course of antibiotics for possible latent tuberculosis because he had a positive PPD skin test. (Well, duh - they inoculate for that in Taiwan, sheesh.) We had a long string of nasty high fever illnesses. (And me too - I was sick the entire first year and change. I was coughing up blood the day after AX that year.) That was special - and we had to compound the dose daily breaking down the tablets into shave ice syrup because the pharmacy didn't have one of its own.
Today? A sniffle now and then, nothing serious. I'm looking forward to the results from this year's physical because I'd like confirmation of him moving from the 0-2% in height weight to above the 50%. I'm pretty sure he has.
We start kindergarden this fall, if everything falls into place. We're having to work language hard - there are deficits - but we had been warned to expect them. Yes, we will being doing Chinese school - as soon as I'm confident his English won't be sunk by it.
And he misses me when I'm away. He really is Jim's kid, but Mommy isn't all bad anymore. (She's still the heavy, though.) I can tell him I love him and he believes me now. Before, sorry - no offense, but you have to understand you're new around here. And if you hate me enough, maybe you'll give me back.
I would have done anything to have made this easier - and I'm still trying to keep as much as I can, but more slides away every year. I want to go back to Taiwan. I want to reunite his foster family, even if just for an hour - I want them (and my kid) to know they didn't end when we showed up.
It's not a popular stance - but then again, am I one for sticking with popular if it doesn't work?
Two years.
Cuddle time.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 09:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 10:09 pm (UTC)I don't think that it would be hurtful to anybody to do that, and I think that the more we band together to love kids and do what is good for them, and acknowledge that love and connection, the better off we all will be.
Hell, I was a foster child for less than two weeks when I was a little tiny infant, and part of me wants to find those foster parents and thank them, as well.
Congratulations on completing your second year of motherhood.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 10:44 pm (UTC)I know that it has become the accepted thing that adoptive parents must travel to pick up their child, but I hope that someone does some serious study as the kids grow up, comparing their adjustments and issues to kids who were escorted. (At least for Korea, escorting used to be the ONLY option.) I wonder whether being directly handed from the foster family to the adoptive parents--so that they are the ones who "take away" the child from the only family he/she has known--is really better than having that kind of anonymous, never-seen-again escort between them. I really, really wonder.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 11:31 pm (UTC)Happy anniversary to you and XanXan (and Jim). I remember your early frantic, frazzled posts. I'm so glad for all of you that things are so much better now. Congratulations, and well-wishes for the years continuing to get better and better for all of you!
no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 11:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 12:16 am (UTC)We're going back to China this year. Not for another child (though Sarah has asked us to), but so she can see where she came from. We'll even visit her orphanage, and maybe be able to see her aya, Chen-Chen, who took care of her there for her first year.
My hat's off to you. I don't know how I'd have coped if Sarah hadn't been a good, sweet kid from the get-go. I've had it soft.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 01:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 02:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-16 04:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-17 04:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-17 06:56 am (UTC)It may not all be behind you, but it's clear there more good to look ahead to. Awesome work... cause that was WORK.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-26 03:56 pm (UTC)