More than three? Time to put them down.
I hate autographs. This has evolved some over time, to be certain - but after receiving a surfeit of them - nope, not what I want anymore. At this point, they are a means to an end - ie, I get to see you, say hello and thank you while your hand flashes across that page with the sharpie. Once done, I still have the whatever and will probably take very good care of it - but I don't need it signed. If I'm not there, definitely not. It's not proof you exist. Give the signed copies to someone who wants them. And ebay can go hang. I'm not feeding that.
People talking in code trying to seem more religion-compliant. I mean. Dude, you don't get more Christian by celebrating your anniversary calling your wife 'your Blessing of a Woman of God.' You sound like a git. An arrogant, self-serving git. This isn't your exclusive Country Club of Righteousness. And other hyperbole. God's in the details, dude. Not just in the Kodak Moments, and really? Who are you trying to impress anyway? The inside of your head is already an known quantity, after all. You're very fortunate. If you want to be on your knees, you can do it later in the privacy of your own space. You don't get bonus points for being pious in front of your friends. Matter of fact, those ARE friends, right? You sure about that?
Dear Bank? I am really tired of wondering what my balance is and which checks have cleared. Just saying. I really am unhappy that you changed your policy regarding auto-pay so that the funds for payments aren't reserved anymore when the payment is issued - no, no - you have to leave them out there in the open until the payment is requested by the payee and I'm supposed to just know that's okay. In this age of my card being lifted TWICE inside of two weeks (along with accompanying bullshit charges), I am overjoyed to hear this. No, really. Just another way of you submitting charges to my account that won't clear because something else is holding up the funds instead of making them available to you know, PAY SHIT. Love the guessing games, bank. Really. (Ask for suggestions on how to avoid this problem, and you get 'keep $500 in there at all times' response. In the month in which I'm paying two full tuitions. Yeah. $500.00 I got that riiiiiight over there under the bushes in the front yard. No, I do NOT want your overdraft protection, thanks for playing.)
Company doing business in the lot behind my house - WTF are you DOING at 9 PM?! I've got a kid trying to sleep - hell, I'D like to sleep - and again, WTF at 9 PM?! Ever heard of business hours? Try this one on - do it again, and I'll meet the cops there with a cast iron skillet. You JERKS. I don't even. Can I talk about the dust? Can I? HUH?
What else.
Oh yeah. McDonald's? I have all the Monkey toys ANYONE could want. Just saying.
Laptop? You, me, woodshed. Come along quietly.
I would like to go play with my dolls, watch trashy daytime television and bake pies. Is that so much to ask?
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