Firsts of firsts

[kyburg]

Today was the required "orientation" that the Los Angeles County DCFS requires of anyone considering becoming a foster parent or adoption. They require that any placement of a child be with a person licensed to be a foster parent - even if you only want to consider adoption instead of being a foster parent - because of the small amount of time a child will spend in your care while the adoption is finalized.

So most of the 4 plus hours was going over what a foster parent has to do. It's pretty extensive, to be honest.

I'll have to be fingerprinted, and pass a background check. I'll have to get my CPR certification up to date, and get a TB test. My house will be inspected and have to pass muster. (Guess I really will have to get the office finished now!)

And the forms to fill out - I'm dragging the old typewriter down for it. Both Jim and I will have to provide records of where we have worked in the past seven years. And provide both personal and financial references. (Who do you refer people to when you want to give a financial reference? I think the loan officer who did our house loan last year will likely be mine....)

DOJ, FBI. Yes, I'll end up with an FBI file. Oh joy.

What kind of child do we want? How many? What age?

It's harder to say what we want. It's easier to say what I think will be tough.

For example, I don't think an African or Latino child would find us the pick of the litter. We're too white, too Asian in our outlooks and preferences. We don't speak Spanish, and won't. We have too many other language challenges on our plate. I fear finding a little girl putting on white tights to look more "normal" - and that would break my heart. No kid, you need to be with someone else. I'm not the right choice for everyone. I've seen what my grand-nephew has gone through - and all of the family around him - being the only one of him around. I'm being given a choice - I choose not to put a kid to that kind of test.

The worker today said she had a family of 8 that needed placement. Jim looked at me, I said bring it. So what can't I consider?

We could take up to two kids, same gender the way the house is arranged now. If we evacuated the office and converted it back to a bedroom, two more of another gender.

And if I rebuilt the back house, two more per bedroom.

If I was that nuts.

The goal is to have a family - and not just one child. I don't think that's good, or preferable.

Dr. Whiz-bang has been postponed until the end of next month - and while we're on the subject, I'm female. *winks* Yeaaaas.

Sake and chocolate good. Fawl down now.

Comments

[caitlin.livejournal.com]

Leave out the sake and the chocolate sounds good to me.=)

I think you'll be a great parent, you and Jim both.

I wish you much luck in this.

C.

[sweetmegumi.livejournal.com]

That is soo wonderful! I hope things will go smoothly for you! Crossing my fingers and wishing the best!

[riverheart.livejournal.com]

Good luck with this process; I'll be playing along at home, since fostering is undoubtedly something Charles and I need to investigate. (It may well be the only way we can have a child in our lives at all.) If we can adopt from there, so much the better.

You two will make fabulous parents.

[lackofgravitas.livejournal.com]

You sound pretty laid back about all the checks and whatnot. Every time I've seen a documentary about adoption someone always gets very uptight about the checks, and goes on about how you don't have to have checks to conceive your own child ... and I always think in some ways, wouldn't it be good if you did?! Of course it has to be done for adoption and fostering, you can't go giving vulnerable children to anyone who asks.

I'd love to see CPR compulsory for all parents! We did a little at antenatal class, and have some more coming up. As I've been told a couple of times, chances of having to do it on one's own child are small, but spending a lot of time around other kids, there's always a possibility of needing it on someone else's, who's not had the training or is in no fit state to do it. And kids, especially babies, are really amenable to CPR, unlike adults who usually need it cos they've had a heart attack so their heart's pretty knackered already.

I'm burbling. Good luck with it all.

[vigilante024.livejournal.com]

my father was a foster father for a (white) boy before he and my mom got married. and they adopted me and my younger brother (us being asian) I think its great and wish you the best of luck in the process and in choosing. My parents had a hard time adopting because they were considered to be older than what the agencies wanted for parents so they weren't given many options...

what kinda sake do you drink? I've been having a hard time finding some good sake around here, mostly since I'm not too familiar with it...

[vampireanneke.livejournal.com]

Keep posting about this, as I someday will adopt children as well. Even if I'm single.

[riverheart.livejournal.com]

My parents had a hard time adopting because they were considered to be older than what the agencies wanted for parents so they weren't given many options...

That's one big concern of mine, too. I'm 44 and my husband is 52. Do we have any chance at all?

[vigilante024.livejournal.com]

my parents were in their 40s when they tried to adopt, which made them too old to get an American baby, so they could only get pre-teens...

but they qualified to get a foreign baby...but they had less choice there too since it was still hard to get a baby/infant and some og the baby's they could choose from were as old as 5...they give you less to choose from also, and if you don't want any of them they won't let you choose again for a few more years...meaning if you want a baby its really hard the older you get to adopt, but if you wanta child or pre-teen you're still in luck (I think...keeping in mind my parents adopted me about 20 years ago, so things might have changed by then...)

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

Weighing in as an adoptee here: my parents were in their mid-30s when they adopted me, and I have always felt that this caused a lot of problems in our relationship. There were nearly 2 generations' worth of generation gap between us; I had friends whose grandparents were only a few years older than my parents! I never felt close to my parents, and as an adult we were on extremely poor terms; they could not stop believing that I was just a foolish child, and much of their basis for feeling that way was simply that I was a product of MY time, not theirs.

This is one of the reasons I have chosen not to have children myself. It took me a long time to feel ready for marriage, and by the time it happened I felt that the window of opportunity for having a first child had passed. (Older parents who already have children are a different thing; one assumes that they learned something from what went before.)

Based on my personal experience, I would recommend that you think long and hard about whether or not it's wise to consider adoption at all. It's your decision, of course; I'm only providing some data from the other side of the coin.

[vigilante024.livejournal.com]

oh I agree...there is 40 years between me and my mom...and that has caused so many problems with us...I can't understand her and she can't understand me. We've finally realized that are age difference is a cause of many of our problems, but we have a huge communication gap that we can't seem to overcome.

[riverheart.livejournal.com]

I'd be interested in finding out from you what sorts of things were covered on a home inspection, too. I'm concerned about several things:
1. My health. Will being diabetic disqualify me? How about high blood pressure? Both things are controllable with medication.
2. The fact that we have an unfinished downstairs. Will that disqualify us? Would we have to finish the entire basement in order to foster or adopt?

Thanks...

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't blame it entirely on age - that kind of age split seems to be the norm in both my family's and Jim's -

Try this on.

Jim's mother was having children while her mother was as well. He has an aunt and an uncle younger than him, and one aunt only 9 months older. That's out of a family of 8. (His mother was the oldest.) Frisky grandparents, Jim says.

My mother was 38 when I was born, and I'm not the youngest. Mom is nearing 80, while I'm nearing 44 - and we're the best of friends. That's not to say we haven't disagreed on things - far from it - but you have to be able to argue to be friends.

I think it has a lot to do with Mom, frankly. I remember her buying my late husband a Ronnie James Dio album - just because he was his favorite - and sitting down to listen to it with him. Because she wanted to know why he liked him so much.

Black Sabbath. Dio. My Mom. Yup. She's a Republican too, BTW. And no, she didn't toss it out or burn the record. She gets it. No, really.

I have the coolest Mom on the planet, accept no substitutions. And if you think I'm just like her, I'll thank you for it.

I wonder what my grand-nephew, her great-grandson would tell you. They're best friends too. And he doesn't get away with crap, lemme tellya. He's 10.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

And I can't help but wonder what expectations they had. That'll ruin a relationship faster than halitosis.

My mother is the same age as Jim's grandmother (or was, the dear lady passed away a couple of years ago). I have a brother ten years older. Who had kids early - so I've been a aunt since I was 14, and a great-aunt for ten years now.

You have to keep an awareness of who people are; at any point in their lives. You can't just say "you're too young - you're too old to understand." That's just being lazy - and oblivious.

When I think of kids, I can't imagine much of anything. It's a great unknown - what will they like? What will they think up? It's not my job to produce scholars or trophies. These are people who will come to live with me, much as I had Jim come live with me. I knew him well enough, but every day is different - and he's younger. Those four years do count at times - like when I can remember JFK, he can't. I was 4. He was less than a year old. Then, it matters.

There are age-appropriate things I expect - if you're 12, I expect you to be toliet trained. *laughs* At least. If that's at issue, we'll be working towards resolving that.

I love homework. I can't wait to do homework.

I'm finding a growing tendency of folks to consider themselves in two lights - normal, remaining childless and total monsters who made the mistake of having kids at all.

I know total monsters when I meet them. They didn't have kids because they wanted to be parents, far from it. They wanted something else - child support, a job (because they couldn't hold one that paid money), a trophy to show parents or friends, you name it. So they don't see a child as a person - or being human, frankly. Those folks - shouldn't adopt. And, after cleaning up after a few of them, shouldn't keep the kids they do have.

I'm going to be talking with my cousin, another adoptee, throughout the process. Having one handy, who also works as an activity on the issue, is a blessing to check my work.

I wish you could see Jim when children are present. He's incredible.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

They will take those things in account in deciding if you are capable of handling children. Managed? No problem.

There is a title 22 in California which they require foster homes to meet - and it's downloadable, but I don't have the link with me - I'll send it to you. Check that out.

There are things I know I want to do to my home before having them inspect it - because I want those things done. We're a bit lazy, not having kids around, to be honest. We're not very childproof. *blushes*

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I'll bring my stuff with me tonight - hope to see you there!

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Where are you? *checks info page*

Wow, New Hampshire. Do you know being_homeless?

I'm really fortunate in that I have two womderful sources for anything Japanese; move that classification to Asian and it just explodes. Korean, Chinese, Vietnamese, Thai - they don't call California the Pacific Rim for nothing!

I have at least three types of cold sake I adore and I try to keep something I can have warm on hand during the winter.

Did your parents adopt while living in NH? From what little I know of the state, I can't imagine they were very supportive of any kind of situation "outside the box."

[vigilante024.livejournal.com]

nope, but will check her out :)

my folks adopted while living in Colorado, and we moved to NH a few years after I arrived

I have almost no asian frineds in NH...its pretty hard to find, though its becoming alittle more common, from what I can gather, it was really weird when I was alot younger as it wasn't a common thing here...

Hubby chiming in here... :p

[unclejimbo.livejournal.com]

A poor relationship with your parent(s) is not exclusive with those who are adopted. I haven't spoken to my father more than 6 times in the last 20 years. He made mistakes while raising me and my two brothers which he will not recognize. Everything that went wrong was my mother's fault. He did nothing wrong... *snort*

I learned a lot from my father, I learned what not to do. I learned not to treat you child as an object or an idiot. And I learned that what your child might want to do may very well be different than what you had 'planned' for them.

I didn't feel ready to get married until I was 37, so I understand where you are coming from. My worst fear regarding being a parent was becoming like my father. It took me a while to realize how different we are.

I really don't think that age is as big a problem as you think. kyburg's mom is one example, my mom is another. Years ago, we had to sort some things out because she was reacting to me as if I were my father. (I resemble him in the face a bit.) We sorted that out and have had a great relationship for many years. She's been there for me when times were tough, even when I didn't think I deserved the help.

Thank you for your story. We have thought long and hard about this, but having input from several sources is always welcome.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Colorado. *rolls eyes* Go check out my friend ass_. Warning = profane, but unedited. Make sure you can handle it.

I didn't have a lot of Asian friends growing up - but I did have them, as I think about it. The Japanese/Anglo pair that lived next door (and where I got my first taste of nori crackers) when I was 7 - the Nishino family that had the two florist shops in Hemet...I took silverkun to my high school reunion (it was retalliation for him taking me to a Filipino family reunion - his!) and everyone just took it for granted that he was part of their class. He was 14 years too young, and the only Asian who had actually been in my class had been female. And much taller.

Sometimes, you just have to turn the awareness off, I think. I know I do when I walk into the vegetarian Chinese places around here. I'm the only Anglo in the place -

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

And ErMac's a dope.

Re: Hubby chiming in here... :p

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

Oops. My original comment was in response to riverheart; I hadn't realized that it could also have been taken as applicable to you guys.

If you have been able to learn from your father's errors, and you understand (as you seem to do) that your child is going to turn out the way he or she turns out, which may not be the way you wanted him/her to turn out, then I think you've got most of what you need to be a good parent.

The other huge thing with my parents, in addition to the age difference, was boundary issues. They were never very clear about where they stopped and I started. You can imagine the problems that caused.

[vigilante024.livejournal.com]

it was strange anyway, being raised by "white" parents in a "white" community, until I was in 6th grade/junior high I honestly thought I was "white" and in high school, my friends never thought of me as Asian

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Or you could be me and be certain you were a grouchy, misogynist Samurai in a prior life and this is is payback for it....

Re: Hubby chiming in here... :p

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

"Expectations."

Yup, got it in one. Respecting boundaries also way high on the list - think I posted on that last week. Yup, know I did.

Want to piss me off? Oh, nothing works better. Believe me.

Title 22

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

http://www.dss.cahwnet.gov/ord

Re: Hubby chiming in here... :p

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

If they had "expectations", I never could figure out what they were -- except that I wasn't it. There was a great deal of "we only want you to be happy" coupled with extreme disapproval of everything that made me happy. Go figure.

[unclejimbo.livejournal.com]

Oh most certainly. My father STILL doesn't understand about my boundaries. The last time we met, just after 9/11, he felt it was completely okay to run roughshod right over mine.

It seems to me that you also see this potential pitfall and would likely not make that same mistake.

The thing is with life, the only way you make no errors is not to try anything. In parenting, I'm certain that Donna and I will make lots. The trick is owning up to those mistakes, especially to one's children, that will tend to make things much smoother in any relationship.