Okay, I'll take it.

[kyburg]

Since my sister did not show up last week on Tuesday for that two hour need I have on a weekly basis to go out with Jim for a chat (code for something else, natch), I've heard nothing but little plaints for her from the boy. Hey, can't blame him - Sis comes in bringing nothing but wee toys, compliments and cuddles. We've had two of these sessions - he's totally smitten. I think this is Good - it shows attachment to us is at a place where New People aren't terrifying if we say they're okay.

The fact she forgot last Tuesday and just didn't show was also par for the course. *facesmacks* I checked with Jim - we both heard we were a lock. She heard not so much and didn't call us when she had something else that timeslot. Same old, same old. Follow up, follow up, make sure and then check again.

After working at reaching her most of the week, I called in a favor and took him over to her house last Sunday for some pool time (she has one in her backyard) - and to see just where he is with water safety. (And I could put my head back down on a Sunday.)

Not surprisingly, he was fearless in the water. With a lifevest and floaties, you could -almost- consider him water-safe. Of course, that's not the case and swimming lessons are DEFINITELY a priority at this point (not to mention finding me something I can wear to get wet in and not die of mortification), but Sis spent hours with him in the pool and he has done nothing but plaint of her since. (Does this upset me? This is his legal guardian right now if something happens to both Jim and I. It's okay. Well. A little. Like, I know this is a cliche and everything, and it's amusing on a stabby level okay. I'd like to be plainted for like this, but I'd never hear it if I was in the same room, would I? Ergs. Right. Perspective. Got it. Yeah. Meep.)

To the good, put a mark on the wall. Last night, the kid ate something I cooked from scratch and asked for more of it this morning - meatballs!

Basically, meatloaf on skewers. It's amazing what that did for my confidence levels. It's the first thing that wasn't frozen out of a bag like fish sticks or chicken nuggets.

And we got an inflatable wading pool? Could swear Jim was about ready to EAT the kid while trying to blow the silly thing up last night. (Kid wants to get IN - Dad is trying to blow it UP - NO YOU CAN'T STAND ON THE #$%@! - )

But once it was up, filled with water and a very happy WET boy was in it? Well, the only thing left to do is SPLASH anyone in range. Jim - kinda was out of cope. Me? Hey, if I splash him, he gets to splash me back, street clothes or no. Oh dear ghads the squeals and laughter MUTUAL SPLASHING got. I had to go back in after getting soaked - because those meatballs were also ready to come out of the oven and then it was eating time...but what a boost. We had fun together - finally.

But THAT worries me a bit, because you never hand anything external that much of your self-worth...but wouldn't you know, that's just what happens when it's kids, isn't it?

You grade yourself on how well the kid does with stuffs involving you. And then how the whole becoming-a-parent effort has been the be-all and end-all of Life as I Know It? Oh, this isn't going to end well with a kid who is still coping with the loss of everything he's ever known. I'm having to rethink the whole focus of this effort - and high time.

Jim has also been getting a big taste of kid treating him like dirt - just like he was doing with me - and I'm dialing the levels back over to middle to give him a break, but I'm not above "reminding" Jim that he thought my reaction to this was just jealousy and not founded in anything the kid was actually doing to/with me. (And not to do that again.)

Still coughing up stuff. Still on antibiotics. Still go home and lay down as soon as I can.

Sis can't make it the next two Tuesdays - catsonmars is coming over to do the two hour duty, which reminds me.

Need to confirm everything one more time.

More I look at this, the more I have to accept that we did not have a good adoption experience or the best start we could have gotten from the people we trusted to help us out with it.

And at the same time, I don't know if I would be any better at it than they were to warn the next ones to come along.

So it goes. And so it goes.

Comments

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

Yay for the good stuff.

Having just helped Mom find something for the hot tub, and having to keep a stock around for myself for physical therapy: the tankini is everybody's friend. Separates mean you can solve sizing issues where the top is bigger or smaller than the bottom, as well as torso length problems. LL Bean and Land's End and their ilk have a lot of "active swimwear" or "beachwear" which can pass as a tank top and shorts when dry; stuff is pretty much designed for Mom to chase the kids all over the beach or pool all day.

Kid liking you for something you do together? Win.

[turandot.livejournal.com]

You have to understand that kids love their parents, but that love starts with selfish demands. "Feed me!", "Change my diapers!", "Hold me! Now hold me and rock me!". Really, young kids do have a basic "What's in it for me?" attitude, and once they see that good things happen around a grownup consistently, they start liking that person. Not all the time, mind you, because then you'd never say no, and we both know how great kids who are raised never being told "no!" turn out (not well).

He asks you for food you made? Win. He'll splash you back if you splash him? Win. You had fun and he had fun? Win. It sounds something contingent on playing in the pool, but in 15 years it might be "Hey remember the one summer I learned how to swim? I remember the little wading pool that dad put together for me, and how you would splash me!". What's a bond if not stories that you share, where both of you were there?

He might not be remember every detail, but he'll remember that he was there, Jim was there, you were there... and you had fun. He learned that "mom" (he will call you mom someday and mean it, I know it's hard to believe now, but hang in there) can actually be fun to be around with.

No one really helps you be a parent, because at the end of the day, other people go to their home, and it's you and the kid. And lady, you're doing as best you can, and the kid will realize that once he's older. That's all you can really hope for.

Re: Kid liking you for something you do together? Win.

[elfwench.livejournal.com]

I couldn't agree more, especially with the summation.

Donna, even birth parents will beat themselves up if the birth wasn't the IDEAL birth experience. But from my experience as a birth parent, let me tell you, don't beat yourself up for thing not being ideal. That is life, it happens. No one is prepared to be a parent regardless how the child comes into ones life, by birth or adoption.

You love him, you do the best you can. You will grieve your mistakes, but please also forgive your mistakes. If you screw up, an apology may be in order, letting the child know that it's not his fault, i.e. "I was tired. I should not have snapped at you. I love you."

Parents are human. It's a thing all parents need to accept and that few children see until they have children of their own.

Also, remember, Parenthood is not a Popularity Contest. You are his Parent, not his Friend. Sometimes you have to reprimand the child or place limits, and the child will resent you and the situation. That's okay, that's normal. Don't let it get you down as it's not about you, it's about the situation. Easier said than done, I know; believe me, I know; but I just thought I'd throw that out there.

Personally, I think you are doing a great job. Love you and Jim both, and if I were closer, I'd definitely be helping you out with Xander.

{{tight hugs}}

[sekl.livejournal.com]

Awesome. Sounds like you're getting the good side of parenting this week. =)