One of those days -

I'm missing Cliff today. I tell people I think about him every day, but there are days where I think more than others.

And today, it's smarting a bit.

Because it was a given I accepted that he died. A given that he was not going to get better...any better than what we'd manage to wrestle to a standstill in the last years of his life, and that sucked my friends, LOUDLY...but I remember, on days like this one, why we worked so hard.

I didn't want it to end. I wanted our lives back, at the very bottom of everything and while my head knew and a good part of my heart too, where the rubber met the road that wasn't going to happen...I didn't want him to go. I didn't want him to end.

Given. Given. Given.

I think that's what smarts the most, when people talk about it to me - I didn't want him to go, I wanted things to work again. Just, that. I had social workers and psych nurses coming by and telling me he just wasn't all there anymore due to the strokes and all the other insults...and not to take it personally. And get on with my life and all that other stuff you always hear...but.

I did. I do, and I tried.

But it was done because that was what was needful...and part of dealing with reality. I wanted him to have as much as he could, what any other person could expect. And I am very satisfied that he made all his decisions - as much as possibly could be allowed - himself. To the end.

And I made as many good decisions as I could, since then.

*sighs* I look around at the friends I have now, who are about the same age we were when all The Shit first came down.

And damn glad they weren't around for it. I ruined people around me in those years.

But he would have loved them, though you'd likely have a hard time knowing it. stormdragon has nothing on him. He would have simply enjoyed the heck out of them. And been a pain in the tail the entire time. He was a grouch, frankly speaking.

I'm the only one who knows. The people we had in common? They've drifted away, for the most part into their own lives and histories and that's all good too. I touch base from time to time with the few that still talk to me, but it is what it is.

That was another life. And it's not the one I have now.

Some days, I'm reminded I'm one person and not two...and I have a past.

One of those days -

I'm missing Cliff today. I tell people I think about him every day, but there are days where I think more than others.

And today, it's smarting a bit.

Because it was a given I accepted that he died. A given that he was not going to get better...any better than what we'd manage to wrestle to a standstill in the last years of his life, and that sucked my friends, LOUDLY...but I remember, on days like this one, why we worked so hard.

I didn't want it to end. I wanted our lives back, at the very bottom of everything and while my head knew and a good part of my heart too, where the rubber met the road that wasn't going to happen...I didn't want him to go. I didn't want him to end.

Given. Given. Given.

I think that's what smarts the most, when people talk about it to me - I didn't want him to go, I wanted things to work again. Just, that. I had social workers and psych nurses coming by and telling me he just wasn't all there anymore due to the strokes and all the other insults...and not to take it personally. And get on with my life and all that other stuff you always hear...but.

I did. I do, and I tried.

But it was done because that was what was needful...and part of dealing with reality. I wanted him to have as much as he could, what any other person could expect. And I am very satisfied that he made all his decisions - as much as possibly could be allowed - himself. To the end.

And I made as many good decisions as I could, since then.

*sighs* I look around at the friends I have now, who are about the same age we were when all The Shit first came down.

And damn glad they weren't around for it. I ruined people around me in those years.

But he would have loved them, though you'd likely have a hard time knowing it. stormdragon has nothing on him. He would have simply enjoyed the heck out of them. And been a pain in the tail the entire time. He was a grouch, frankly speaking.

I'm the only one who knows. The people we had in common? They've drifted away, for the most part into their own lives and histories and that's all good too. I touch base from time to time with the few that still talk to me, but it is what it is.

That was another life. And it's not the one I have now.

Some days, I'm reminded I'm one person and not two...and I have a past.

One of those days -

I'm missing Cliff today. I tell people I think about him every day, but there are days where I think more than others.

And today, it's smarting a bit.

Because it was a given I accepted that he died. A given that he was not going to get better...any better than what we'd manage to wrestle to a standstill in the last years of his life, and that sucked my friends, LOUDLY...but I remember, on days like this one, why we worked so hard.

I didn't want it to end. I wanted our lives back, at the very bottom of everything and while my head knew and a good part of my heart too, where the rubber met the road that wasn't going to happen...I didn't want him to go. I didn't want him to end.

Given. Given. Given.

I think that's what smarts the most, when people talk about it to me - I didn't want him to go, I wanted things to work again. Just, that. I had social workers and psych nurses coming by and telling me he just wasn't all there anymore due to the strokes and all the other insults...and not to take it personally. And get on with my life and all that other stuff you always hear...but.

I did. I do, and I tried.

But it was done because that was what was needful...and part of dealing with reality. I wanted him to have as much as he could, what any other person could expect. And I am very satisfied that he made all his decisions - as much as possibly could be allowed - himself. To the end.

And I made as many good decisions as I could, since then.

*sighs* I look around at the friends I have now, who are about the same age we were when all The Shit first came down.

And damn glad they weren't around for it. I ruined people around me in those years.

But he would have loved them, though you'd likely have a hard time knowing it. stormdragon has nothing on him. He would have simply enjoyed the heck out of them. And been a pain in the tail the entire time. He was a grouch, frankly speaking.

I'm the only one who knows. The people we had in common? They've drifted away, for the most part into their own lives and histories and that's all good too. I touch base from time to time with the few that still talk to me, but it is what it is.

That was another life. And it's not the one I have now.

Some days, I'm reminded I'm one person and not two...and I have a past.