*blows air*
Feb. 16th, 2007 12:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyburgOkay, up to date on the mortgage payments. We are still lean, mean and catching up - but I think the worst of the lean is over for the moment.
It's good practice.
I'm still working on putting some better financial tools together, including the magic spreadsheet (more on this later). No, I don't think I'll add Quicken back in yet. (Yes, I did all three at one time - checkbook, Quicken and the magic spreadsheet. I had to - I had too many people second-guessing how I was spending money.)
Small little 'ooo I'm a greedy little miserly miser' moments - I have rainchecks for some Smart Ones frozen dinners (this is too easy not to do, trust me on this) for 12 dinners for less than $1.75 each. Opened one I got yesterday (4 for $10.00) and found a coupon in it. Yeah, I'll be able to use it with the rainchecks. Lunch for less than $1.50 anyone? And stuff I like, too. Hot slurpy food that doesn't taste like ass.
Hope I find more coupons.
There is still the really great used book store down the street with a $2 rack out front every day too. Weather being as good as it is (you folks back East? Holy fucking - wow. No words. None. Stay safe, y'all.), I have no excuse not to get outside and take advantage.
Except I have too many books to get through as it is - and a bit of programming to overcome. Every time I sit down with a book right now? I find myself awake in two hours, cold and stiff. I've fallen asleep sitting up. The reason for this is I used to put myself to bed every night with a book - it was the only thing I could use on a nightly basis that worked, was affordable and allowed me to remain a light enough sleeper to wake if the monitor went off.
Yeah. I slept with a baby monitor next to my bed upstairs, because Cliff was downstairs with his cycler and adaptive equipment. I couldn't carry him upstairs, so that's what the last two years were like at home. I slept upstairs with a monitor. It was a riot when he played horror movies, lemme tellya, before going to sleep. Yes, he did. Most of the time it was Fantasia - but.
Programming. I'm trying to sit down when I'm not so tired to read. It's helping. I'm getting through more books.
There are days when old events just freaking bite. That one is small potatoes.
*blows air* I really wish I could manage to take the shit flung at me with the same indifference as which it was flung. I mean, nobody and nothing means me harm or foul. It just happens. And then I get all emotional and more shit happens and I look back and go DAMN and wonder what the fuck that was all about - and remember what the fuck it was all about and then say DAMN again and wish I really could manage to take the shit flung as me with the same indifference in which was flung.
Repeat a few more times.
Remember not to take it personally. Remember not to hold it against them. Consider the source. Let it go.
It/They/Whatever did not know what they were doing. Nobody can hurt me or insult me or make me do ANYTHING without my permission and express knowledge thereof.
I'll be okay. I'm sure of it.
I just wish...that when people got mad at me? It was something I actually did and meant for people to be angry with me about? Looking back, the one-sided stuff has just confounded me in ways I just keep untangling layer after layer.
I truly don't understand why people get angry at me when I didn't intend them to. Naive? Eh. Maybe. But it's a constant.
I may complain about all the psychobabble that goes on about early-child development and all of the "personality" diagnoses thrown about - but back in 1969 or so, when I was so scared of everything I wouldn't swallow my own spit for fear of poisoning myself, nobody knew about PTSD or RAD. I really think about that time because as strange as it seems, it's hard to get back into that headspace, and that WAS my childhood. I was there.
The more I find out about the alphabet soup I just mentioned, the more familiar it sounds. The parameters are all there - and the players? Had plenty of trouble of their own. I wasn't the only one, and the matrix was just right for all kinds of suck to happen.
All before I was 10 years old. Amazing. I'm sitting here, 46 years old and going over stuff that old - because so much ties right back to it.
I have no trust in relationships with people who have a SO or other close friends who don't like me. It's like the thought registers intellectually - but emotionally? Run for fucking cover when I find out. Thinking about this, in conjunction with reading the RAD literature the last couple of weeks, it really becomes clear when I look at who Jim and I see on a regular basis.
Very few married pairs. And if I know one, and don't know the other? I'm not comfortable until I do - and that relationship is on stable footing as well. It's not like there haven't been opportunities. But if you fall in love with someone? I wanna know. One, because it might be just as good as knowing you! But two? If they hate me, you'll be gone soon too.
This has so little to do with attraction, sex or just getting along it's pathetic. This is clearly a pathology.
What to do about it, that's the rub. Just start trusting people you know isn't something you just fall off a log and begin doing. It's almost a physical repulsion at this point. I really don't feel safe. Clearly, this is a safety need that got compromised, and I think I know where it began - and ended. And I can't even get upset about it - it's one of Those things where nobody meant any harm. Life just tossed it over in its complete indifference.
And it got written into my psyche as a Rule. Quirk? If that's what it is, it belongs to me.
Oh yes, it's done damage recently.
I'll write up the Why soon - promise. It also has a lot to do with why Donna does not approach weddings with happy anticipation, but with the dread of finding the Weakest Link in the Family. And getting bitchsmacked with it.
It feels like describing the moves in a chess game. Who were the players. What actions they took. What happened after that.
I need some better programming - and no, I don't think apologies will fix the damage this quirk causes.
But then again, nobody meant any harm. It's never that way. *chuckles* It's like the only time things resolve is when you have mutual 'I'm going to git you sucka' activity - you both get mad, you both do damage and you both walk away satisfied. Hmm. That's worth a few clock cycles.
It's good practice.
I'm still working on putting some better financial tools together, including the magic spreadsheet (more on this later). No, I don't think I'll add Quicken back in yet. (Yes, I did all three at one time - checkbook, Quicken and the magic spreadsheet. I had to - I had too many people second-guessing how I was spending money.)
Small little 'ooo I'm a greedy little miserly miser' moments - I have rainchecks for some Smart Ones frozen dinners (this is too easy not to do, trust me on this) for 12 dinners for less than $1.75 each. Opened one I got yesterday (4 for $10.00) and found a coupon in it. Yeah, I'll be able to use it with the rainchecks. Lunch for less than $1.50 anyone? And stuff I like, too. Hot slurpy food that doesn't taste like ass.
Hope I find more coupons.
There is still the really great used book store down the street with a $2 rack out front every day too. Weather being as good as it is (you folks back East? Holy fucking - wow. No words. None. Stay safe, y'all.), I have no excuse not to get outside and take advantage.
Except I have too many books to get through as it is - and a bit of programming to overcome. Every time I sit down with a book right now? I find myself awake in two hours, cold and stiff. I've fallen asleep sitting up. The reason for this is I used to put myself to bed every night with a book - it was the only thing I could use on a nightly basis that worked, was affordable and allowed me to remain a light enough sleeper to wake if the monitor went off.
Yeah. I slept with a baby monitor next to my bed upstairs, because Cliff was downstairs with his cycler and adaptive equipment. I couldn't carry him upstairs, so that's what the last two years were like at home. I slept upstairs with a monitor. It was a riot when he played horror movies, lemme tellya, before going to sleep. Yes, he did. Most of the time it was Fantasia - but.
Programming. I'm trying to sit down when I'm not so tired to read. It's helping. I'm getting through more books.
There are days when old events just freaking bite. That one is small potatoes.
*blows air* I really wish I could manage to take the shit flung at me with the same indifference as which it was flung. I mean, nobody and nothing means me harm or foul. It just happens. And then I get all emotional and more shit happens and I look back and go DAMN and wonder what the fuck that was all about - and remember what the fuck it was all about and then say DAMN again and wish I really could manage to take the shit flung as me with the same indifference in which was flung.
Repeat a few more times.
Remember not to take it personally. Remember not to hold it against them. Consider the source. Let it go.
It/They/Whatever did not know what they were doing. Nobody can hurt me or insult me or make me do ANYTHING without my permission and express knowledge thereof.
I'll be okay. I'm sure of it.
I just wish...that when people got mad at me? It was something I actually did and meant for people to be angry with me about? Looking back, the one-sided stuff has just confounded me in ways I just keep untangling layer after layer.
I truly don't understand why people get angry at me when I didn't intend them to. Naive? Eh. Maybe. But it's a constant.
I may complain about all the psychobabble that goes on about early-child development and all of the "personality" diagnoses thrown about - but back in 1969 or so, when I was so scared of everything I wouldn't swallow my own spit for fear of poisoning myself, nobody knew about PTSD or RAD. I really think about that time because as strange as it seems, it's hard to get back into that headspace, and that WAS my childhood. I was there.
The more I find out about the alphabet soup I just mentioned, the more familiar it sounds. The parameters are all there - and the players? Had plenty of trouble of their own. I wasn't the only one, and the matrix was just right for all kinds of suck to happen.
All before I was 10 years old. Amazing. I'm sitting here, 46 years old and going over stuff that old - because so much ties right back to it.
I have no trust in relationships with people who have a SO or other close friends who don't like me. It's like the thought registers intellectually - but emotionally? Run for fucking cover when I find out. Thinking about this, in conjunction with reading the RAD literature the last couple of weeks, it really becomes clear when I look at who Jim and I see on a regular basis.
Very few married pairs. And if I know one, and don't know the other? I'm not comfortable until I do - and that relationship is on stable footing as well. It's not like there haven't been opportunities. But if you fall in love with someone? I wanna know. One, because it might be just as good as knowing you! But two? If they hate me, you'll be gone soon too.
This has so little to do with attraction, sex or just getting along it's pathetic. This is clearly a pathology.
What to do about it, that's the rub. Just start trusting people you know isn't something you just fall off a log and begin doing. It's almost a physical repulsion at this point. I really don't feel safe. Clearly, this is a safety need that got compromised, and I think I know where it began - and ended. And I can't even get upset about it - it's one of Those things where nobody meant any harm. Life just tossed it over in its complete indifference.
And it got written into my psyche as a Rule. Quirk? If that's what it is, it belongs to me.
Oh yes, it's done damage recently.
I'll write up the Why soon - promise. It also has a lot to do with why Donna does not approach weddings with happy anticipation, but with the dread of finding the Weakest Link in the Family. And getting bitchsmacked with it.
It feels like describing the moves in a chess game. Who were the players. What actions they took. What happened after that.
I need some better programming - and no, I don't think apologies will fix the damage this quirk causes.
But then again, nobody meant any harm. It's never that way. *chuckles* It's like the only time things resolve is when you have mutual 'I'm going to git you sucka' activity - you both get mad, you both do damage and you both walk away satisfied. Hmm. That's worth a few clock cycles.
