w00t w00t booyah

$500 for a pair of glasses, and I'm still using the original reading glasses when I'm at the computer.

Yeah, that was a great investment.

(However, replacing the distance set with the bifocals has been a success. I just can't see the entire screen when I try to use them sitting at the computer. You try looking at the screen with your head bent back at a 45 degree angle. For a whole day. No.)

I'm picking up the new glasses today. MY FIRST PAIR OF BIFOCALS WHEE.

Fuckit. They're Vera Wang, should be very classy and nobody will know. Once again, I'll be able to see down the road, and the dashboard inside the car again. Maybe.

Hope they don't make me seasick. That'll be expensive. First I pay for the glasses, then I pay for the cleaning bill - and then new clothes. No. Don't want to.

I raided the old and nearly worn out archives for a computer bag I could use until I can put some decent money towards a new one - I got a really cheap-ass bag after Christmas to put the laptop Jim got me in, promising myself I'd upgrade within a few months.

Well, in a few months, I wore it out to falling apart. THAT cheap-ass.

Old and nearly worn out, had served me well through three other laptops? Even had the postcards and room bill receipt from our wedding trip to Hawaii in 2001 still in it?

The cats had used it for a pee box. THANK YOU VERY MUCH AUGH.

So the computer still sits on the kitchen table, its peripherals still littered around it. I need to go find something to put my computer in. And slather it with Tiger Balm.

Also, in the news - another family using our agency got their referral yesterday and posted pictures to the Yahoo group. I think their LID was 10/27/05. You do the math. (But what a cutie - jealous, moi? Why not!)

I'm picking up the new glasses today. MY FIRST PAIR OF BIFOCALS WHEE.

Fuckit. They're Vera Wang, should be very classy and nobody will know. Once again, I'll be able to see down the road, and the dashboard inside the car again. Maybe.

Hope they don't make me seasick. That'll be expensive. First I pay for the glasses, then I pay for the cleaning bill - and then new clothes. No. Don't want to.

I raided the old and nearly worn out archives for a computer bag I could use until I can put some decent money towards a new one - I got a really cheap-ass bag after Christmas to put the laptop Jim got me in, promising myself I'd upgrade within a few months.

Well, in a few months, I wore it out to falling apart. THAT cheap-ass.

Old and nearly worn out, had served me well through three other laptops? Even had the postcards and room bill receipt from our wedding trip to Hawaii in 2001 still in it?

The cats had used it for a pee box. THANK YOU VERY MUCH AUGH.

So the computer still sits on the kitchen table, its peripherals still littered around it. I need to go find something to put my computer in. And slather it with Tiger Balm.

Also, in the news - another family using our agency got their referral yesterday and posted pictures to the Yahoo group. I think their LID was 10/27/05. You do the math. (But what a cutie - jealous, moi? Why not!)

So. Jim got sent home from work today with conjunctivitis He's off until Thursday.

Since this stuff tends to be very very contagious, y'all have just been warned.

I'm fine. He may not like being given a list of honey-doos for the next two days - and I'm not entirely convinced he doesn't have to be followed by his own eye doctor - but at least it's not another bacterial-caused ulcer.

I'm annoyed. Jim is itchy.

Your trivia report for the day.

I'm doing my best to ignore all the the airtime a dumbass with a gun is getting - at the expense of incredible people like this man, who should be getting ALL the attention. You understand.

Okay, up to date on the mortgage payments. We are still lean, mean and catching up - but I think the worst of the lean is over for the moment.

It's good practice.

I'm still working on putting some better financial tools together, including the magic spreadsheet (more on this later). No, I don't think I'll add Quicken back in yet. (Yes, I did all three at one time - checkbook, Quicken and the magic spreadsheet. I had to - I had too many people second-guessing how I was spending money.)

Small little 'ooo I'm a greedy little miserly miser' moments - I have rainchecks for some Smart Ones frozen dinners (this is too easy not to do, trust me on this) for 12 dinners for less than $1.75 each. Opened one I got yesterday (4 for $10.00) and found a coupon in it. Yeah, I'll be able to use it with the rainchecks. Lunch for less than $1.50 anyone? And stuff I like, too. Hot slurpy food that doesn't taste like ass.

Hope I find more coupons.

There is still the really great used book store down the street with a $2 rack out front every day too. Weather being as good as it is (you folks back East? Holy fucking - wow. No words. None. Stay safe, y'all.), I have no excuse not to get outside and take advantage.

Except I have too many books to get through as it is - and a bit of programming to overcome. Every time I sit down with a book right now? I find myself awake in two hours, cold and stiff. I've fallen asleep sitting up. The reason for this is I used to put myself to bed every night with a book - it was the only thing I could use on a nightly basis that worked, was affordable and allowed me to remain a light enough sleeper to wake if the monitor went off.

Yeah. I slept with a baby monitor next to my bed upstairs, because Cliff was downstairs with his cycler and adaptive equipment. I couldn't carry him upstairs, so that's what the last two years were like at home. I slept upstairs with a monitor. It was a riot when he played horror movies, lemme tellya, before going to sleep. Yes, he did. Most of the time it was Fantasia - but.

Programming. I'm trying to sit down when I'm not so tired to read. It's helping. I'm getting through more books.

There are days when old events just freaking bite. That one is small potatoes.

*blows air* I really wish I could manage to take the shit flung at me with the same indifference as which it was flung. I mean, nobody and nothing means me harm or foul. It just happens. And then I get all emotional and more shit happens and I look back and go DAMN and wonder what the fuck that was all about - and remember what the fuck it was all about and then say DAMN again and wish I really could manage to take the shit flung as me with the same indifference in which was flung.

Repeat a few more times.

Remember not to take it personally. Remember not to hold it against them. Consider the source. Let it go.

It/They/Whatever did not know what they were doing. Nobody can hurt me or insult me or make me do ANYTHING without my permission and express knowledge thereof.

I'll be okay. I'm sure of it.

I just wish...that when people got mad at me? It was something I actually did and meant for people to be angry with me about? Looking back, the one-sided stuff has just confounded me in ways I just keep untangling layer after layer.

I truly don't understand why people get angry at me when I didn't intend them to. Naive? Eh. Maybe. But it's a constant.

I may complain about all the psychobabble that goes on about early-child development and all of the "personality" diagnoses thrown about - but back in 1969 or so, when I was so scared of everything I wouldn't swallow my own spit for fear of poisoning myself, nobody knew about PTSD or RAD. I really think about that time because as strange as it seems, it's hard to get back into that headspace, and that WAS my childhood. I was there.

The more I find out about the alphabet soup I just mentioned, the more familiar it sounds. The parameters are all there - and the players? Had plenty of trouble of their own. I wasn't the only one, and the matrix was just right for all kinds of suck to happen.

All before I was 10 years old. Amazing. I'm sitting here, 46 years old and going over stuff that old - because so much ties right back to it.

I have no trust in relationships with people who have a SO or other close friends who don't like me. It's like the thought registers intellectually - but emotionally? Run for fucking cover when I find out. Thinking about this, in conjunction with reading the RAD literature the last couple of weeks, it really becomes clear when I look at who Jim and I see on a regular basis.

Very few married pairs. And if I know one, and don't know the other? I'm not comfortable until I do - and that relationship is on stable footing as well. It's not like there haven't been opportunities. But if you fall in love with someone? I wanna know. One, because it might be just as good as knowing you! But two? If they hate me, you'll be gone soon too.

This has so little to do with attraction, sex or just getting along it's pathetic. This is clearly a pathology.

What to do about it, that's the rub. Just start trusting people you know isn't something you just fall off a log and begin doing. It's almost a physical repulsion at this point. I really don't feel safe. Clearly, this is a safety need that got compromised, and I think I know where it began - and ended. And I can't even get upset about it - it's one of Those things where nobody meant any harm. Life just tossed it over in its complete indifference.

And it got written into my psyche as a Rule. Quirk? If that's what it is, it belongs to me.

Oh yes, it's done damage recently.

I'll write up the Why soon - promise. It also has a lot to do with why Donna does not approach weddings with happy anticipation, but with the dread of finding the Weakest Link in the Family. And getting bitchsmacked with it.

It feels like describing the moves in a chess game. Who were the players. What actions they took. What happened after that.

I need some better programming - and no, I don't think apologies will fix the damage this quirk causes.

But then again, nobody meant any harm. It's never that way. *chuckles* It's like the only time things resolve is when you have mutual 'I'm going to git you sucka' activity - you both get mad, you both do damage and you both walk away satisfied. Hmm. That's worth a few clock cycles.

Okay, up to date on the mortgage payments. We are still lean, mean and catching up - but I think the worst of the lean is over for the moment.

It's good practice.

I'm still working on putting some better financial tools together, including the magic spreadsheet (more on this later). No, I don't think I'll add Quicken back in yet. (Yes, I did all three at one time - checkbook, Quicken and the magic spreadsheet. I had to - I had too many people second-guessing how I was spending money.)

Small little 'ooo I'm a greedy little miserly miser' moments - I have rainchecks for some Smart Ones frozen dinners (this is too easy not to do, trust me on this) for 12 dinners for less than $1.75 each. Opened one I got yesterday (4 for $10.00) and found a coupon in it. Yeah, I'll be able to use it with the rainchecks. Lunch for less than $1.50 anyone? And stuff I like, too. Hot slurpy food that doesn't taste like ass.

Hope I find more coupons.

There is still the really great used book store down the street with a $2 rack out front every day too. Weather being as good as it is (you folks back East? Holy fucking - wow. No words. None. Stay safe, y'all.), I have no excuse not to get outside and take advantage.

Except I have too many books to get through as it is - and a bit of programming to overcome. Every time I sit down with a book right now? I find myself awake in two hours, cold and stiff. I've fallen asleep sitting up. The reason for this is I used to put myself to bed every night with a book - it was the only thing I could use on a nightly basis that worked, was affordable and allowed me to remain a light enough sleeper to wake if the monitor went off.

Yeah. I slept with a baby monitor next to my bed upstairs, because Cliff was downstairs with his cycler and adaptive equipment. I couldn't carry him upstairs, so that's what the last two years were like at home. I slept upstairs with a monitor. It was a riot when he played horror movies, lemme tellya, before going to sleep. Yes, he did. Most of the time it was Fantasia - but.

Programming. I'm trying to sit down when I'm not so tired to read. It's helping. I'm getting through more books.

There are days when old events just freaking bite. That one is small potatoes.

*blows air* I really wish I could manage to take the shit flung at me with the same indifference as which it was flung. I mean, nobody and nothing means me harm or foul. It just happens. And then I get all emotional and more shit happens and I look back and go DAMN and wonder what the fuck that was all about - and remember what the fuck it was all about and then say DAMN again and wish I really could manage to take the shit flung as me with the same indifference in which was flung.

Repeat a few more times.

Remember not to take it personally. Remember not to hold it against them. Consider the source. Let it go.

It/They/Whatever did not know what they were doing. Nobody can hurt me or insult me or make me do ANYTHING without my permission and express knowledge thereof.

I'll be okay. I'm sure of it.

I just wish...that when people got mad at me? It was something I actually did and meant for people to be angry with me about? Looking back, the one-sided stuff has just confounded me in ways I just keep untangling layer after layer.

I truly don't understand why people get angry at me when I didn't intend them to. Naive? Eh. Maybe. But it's a constant.

I may complain about all the psychobabble that goes on about early-child development and all of the "personality" diagnoses thrown about - but back in 1969 or so, when I was so scared of everything I wouldn't swallow my own spit for fear of poisoning myself, nobody knew about PTSD or RAD. I really think about that time because as strange as it seems, it's hard to get back into that headspace, and that WAS my childhood. I was there.

The more I find out about the alphabet soup I just mentioned, the more familiar it sounds. The parameters are all there - and the players? Had plenty of trouble of their own. I wasn't the only one, and the matrix was just right for all kinds of suck to happen.

All before I was 10 years old. Amazing. I'm sitting here, 46 years old and going over stuff that old - because so much ties right back to it.

I have no trust in relationships with people who have a SO or other close friends who don't like me. It's like the thought registers intellectually - but emotionally? Run for fucking cover when I find out. Thinking about this, in conjunction with reading the RAD literature the last couple of weeks, it really becomes clear when I look at who Jim and I see on a regular basis.

Very few married pairs. And if I know one, and don't know the other? I'm not comfortable until I do - and that relationship is on stable footing as well. It's not like there haven't been opportunities. But if you fall in love with someone? I wanna know. One, because it might be just as good as knowing you! But two? If they hate me, you'll be gone soon too.

This has so little to do with attraction, sex or just getting along it's pathetic. This is clearly a pathology.

What to do about it, that's the rub. Just start trusting people you know isn't something you just fall off a log and begin doing. It's almost a physical repulsion at this point. I really don't feel safe. Clearly, this is a safety need that got compromised, and I think I know where it began - and ended. And I can't even get upset about it - it's one of Those things where nobody meant any harm. Life just tossed it over in its complete indifference.

And it got written into my psyche as a Rule. Quirk? If that's what it is, it belongs to me.

Oh yes, it's done damage recently.

I'll write up the Why soon - promise. It also has a lot to do with why Donna does not approach weddings with happy anticipation, but with the dread of finding the Weakest Link in the Family. And getting bitchsmacked with it.

It feels like describing the moves in a chess game. Who were the players. What actions they took. What happened after that.

I need some better programming - and no, I don't think apologies will fix the damage this quirk causes.

But then again, nobody meant any harm. It's never that way. *chuckles* It's like the only time things resolve is when you have mutual 'I'm going to git you sucka' activity - you both get mad, you both do damage and you both walk away satisfied. Hmm. That's worth a few clock cycles.

Folks, I'm going to do this as gently as I possibly can - and with as much sensitivity as I can find to put into print.

It's not you. It's not your fault.

It just may be that what you had planned - ain't gonna happen just the way you thought it would.

Not even as splashy. Or as fun. Or why you took those classes, and slogged through getting the degree.

And everyone telling you to "get over it"? They've got it all wrong.

There's nothing to get over with. What did you get, exactly, to begin with? Expectations? Plans? Pfft. Nothing. You had nothing to lose. So what's there to get over with, exactly? (Ghad, I hate that sentence. Get over it. Like it's a vaulting horse of something. Sheesh.)

You know what you want. Somehow, it's just not coming together - and the walls are closing in.

Or maybe, you're smacking yourself around so much, you don't have time to persue those big dreams - you too busy trying to figure out where the door is to get out and go after them.

When someone tells you that most of us go through life, living lives of quiet desperation - they're telling you the truth.

You have to decide if that's worth killing yourself over, when you find this out for yourself. We all know people who did - that guy who offed himself last year, when he wasn't wildly successful before 28 years of age. That dumbass.

Give it a rest. And then take a step back and look at it again.

Food, clothing, shelter. That's for you. Your own space, your own stuff. Everyone needs this.

That's called meeting your needs - security needs - the ones that are at the bottom of your tiny lizard brains. You don't have this much, no wonder you're losing your mind. It's important - don't lose sight of it.

...and you may have to do something you don't like much, isn't very sexy or exciting or fun, to provide it.

What, exactly - is up to you. Look around - you're not the first, last or only person facing this. Seriously. You really do think it's all YOU, don't you? You messed up. You're a loser. You're a total failure.

*sigh*

I really skipped over that part, because I knew if I wanted the fun stuff, I had to do the stuff I didn't want to do before I could get to the fun stuff. Because if I didn't take care of myself, I wouldn't be around to DO the fun stuff.

Best part? Once I put that aside, the rest was easy. I just went out and found a job. Anything I could do - and made the best of it.

I've held a number of whack jobs in my time. You know what? Even the ones I hated in the end? There were days I thoroughly enjoyed myself - I made sure of it. Life is what happens to us while we're waiting for things to happen.

Frankly, I know Starbucks barristas work their fannies off - and have to deal with the snottiest, up-tight customers on the planet (caffeine junkies? Gimme a break!) - but I think I'd dig it, if I could do it myself. I just have all my hours spoken for right now - and don't need the extra bucks. Actually, the time-trade off isn't worth it to me right now. I wouldn't consider that the worst thing in the world if that's the only job I could get. (I'd be looking for other things, you betcha, but this would do - in a pinch. No shame in hard work, after all. Money all spends the same!)

I'd love to work in a bakery. Never done it.

I drove airport shuttle for two companies - it made good enough money, and was fun as hell at times to boot.

Not doing my Dream? I'm still here to keep trying. That charmed life again, remember? I had to come to terms with the fact I didn't have all the answers or any control over why it wasn't coming together to make the living I had to have, to stop doing the things I didn't like that made the living.

It wasn't me. I wasn't a loser - I just wasn't where I needed to be, or what was needed at all. If I had known what those things were - yeah, it might be different. It just might be that wasn't supposed to happen at all, too. There was no "right place" to be - and no "right time." My fault? Never.

The fact you aren't more "special" or "better" or "whatever" than the people around you is not proof you're worthless. Everyone has their own strengths...and that unmeasureable something that separates even identical twins from each other.

And it's not dialing down your expectations to accept that you might not have the house, the job or the zip code you want.

The greatest wealth is contentment with less. Love the one you're with. Make the best of it.

Not just suck it up and suffer. You're missing the point if you do. Nobody can suck it all up and live without finding some joy every day. And accept that good enough - is well, GOOD.

Quiddit.

Get over it? Pah. Let's get on with it.

And if you don't mind, it won't matter - and maybe, your time will come after there's bread on your table, in your house, on your dime - again.

I'll be here. After work, and all that. *grins*