Priorities
Oct. 12th, 2003 06:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyburgWhen I'm not feeling well, my priorities shift.
I rarely give much to things I like. I have to give it all to the things I have to deal with; and on that last list, there are very few things I like.
I am not enjoying the fact I've told Jim I'm ready to put his older brother in the same place I've put their father - and I mean it. I've become the big, nasty Head of Household and put my foot down. Yay, me. In this household, might does not make right and it is always mind over matter. Nobody gets a damn thing using anger or violence, and they never will...and they will face prosecution to the full extent of the law if they try it.
He's concerned about keeping relations with his niece and nephew. Well, I would be too. But I'm not looking forward to the pain he's going to feel when he realizes that in all of this, (and I'm certain now that this was not an isolated incident) they have never called him for help or included him in their lives if their father had not made them. Mom has been told to give the children our number. Now while I don't know if she's talked to them or been able to pass that information along, I do know that they have not tried to reach us.
There might not be much of a relationship to save. But also, it's not going to be long before they could be out of reach of any family member - if they so choose. It's what I had feared - they could turn 18, turn their heads and walk - and never look back. Will he even have a chance?
Jim's often said he got to see them grown up on the installment plan - often, it was years between visits. I think the newest photo he has is 10 years old. We've been asking for four years for new ones.
It's not fair.
Anyone who knows Jim, knows that he's the one with talent when it comes to children. He's one of those who innately knows what the do with a small, troubled child. He's the one they like to send pediatric cases to for x-rays. The one they send to the NICU. My Sis' kids adore him; they tolerate me. He knows how to play, how to listen - he rarely hits a sour note. He has the patience of a saint, and a solemn vow to never, ever spank - which he imparts to any child he has to care for. The idea makes him physically ill.
This is killing him, and it's not fair. They would have a strong ally in this fight they're in, if they'd only let him in.
Where is Jim's father? He might as well be dead. We have no contact with him, and will not. That's permanent. If this older brother does not cooperate fully with what the courts find him guilty of, and complete all the courses of treatment and imprisonment he is due - that's where he will be as well. Oh, and I want to see it done willingly with the truthful admission he was wrong. Those are my rules.
Jim's had years of anger management at my insistence and the results speak for themselves. While there is still room for work - I am so proud of him right now for not losing it once over this - even though I think he wants to go curl up in a corner and howl over it. What did I find once in was in therapy? A very abused child. No question about it - textbook.
What are the courts in Chicago going to find a week from Monday? Another abused child. No question about it. Perhaps two or three, if they are perceptive.
But my hackles are up and I'm in full protect mode. If the children want our protection, they have it - with some reservations. There are always reservations. This is my home - and I insist it remain a safe place for all who enter it. Use force, and you are history.
Ug, I have spoken. Beendet. Geschlossen.
I rarely give much to things I like. I have to give it all to the things I have to deal with; and on that last list, there are very few things I like.
I am not enjoying the fact I've told Jim I'm ready to put his older brother in the same place I've put their father - and I mean it. I've become the big, nasty Head of Household and put my foot down. Yay, me. In this household, might does not make right and it is always mind over matter. Nobody gets a damn thing using anger or violence, and they never will...and they will face prosecution to the full extent of the law if they try it.
He's concerned about keeping relations with his niece and nephew. Well, I would be too. But I'm not looking forward to the pain he's going to feel when he realizes that in all of this, (and I'm certain now that this was not an isolated incident) they have never called him for help or included him in their lives if their father had not made them. Mom has been told to give the children our number. Now while I don't know if she's talked to them or been able to pass that information along, I do know that they have not tried to reach us.
There might not be much of a relationship to save. But also, it's not going to be long before they could be out of reach of any family member - if they so choose. It's what I had feared - they could turn 18, turn their heads and walk - and never look back. Will he even have a chance?
Jim's often said he got to see them grown up on the installment plan - often, it was years between visits. I think the newest photo he has is 10 years old. We've been asking for four years for new ones.
It's not fair.
Anyone who knows Jim, knows that he's the one with talent when it comes to children. He's one of those who innately knows what the do with a small, troubled child. He's the one they like to send pediatric cases to for x-rays. The one they send to the NICU. My Sis' kids adore him; they tolerate me. He knows how to play, how to listen - he rarely hits a sour note. He has the patience of a saint, and a solemn vow to never, ever spank - which he imparts to any child he has to care for. The idea makes him physically ill.
This is killing him, and it's not fair. They would have a strong ally in this fight they're in, if they'd only let him in.
Where is Jim's father? He might as well be dead. We have no contact with him, and will not. That's permanent. If this older brother does not cooperate fully with what the courts find him guilty of, and complete all the courses of treatment and imprisonment he is due - that's where he will be as well. Oh, and I want to see it done willingly with the truthful admission he was wrong. Those are my rules.
Jim's had years of anger management at my insistence and the results speak for themselves. While there is still room for work - I am so proud of him right now for not losing it once over this - even though I think he wants to go curl up in a corner and howl over it. What did I find once in was in therapy? A very abused child. No question about it - textbook.
What are the courts in Chicago going to find a week from Monday? Another abused child. No question about it. Perhaps two or three, if they are perceptive.
But my hackles are up and I'm in full protect mode. If the children want our protection, they have it - with some reservations. There are always reservations. This is my home - and I insist it remain a safe place for all who enter it. Use force, and you are history.
Ug, I have spoken. Beendet. Geschlossen.
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-12 07:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-12 09:10 pm (UTC)Talked with both older brother (doctorate in Education from USC and superintendent up in the Bay Area) and older sister (Licensed Masters in Social Work in Fontana) - and both agree they would be a handfull. That's the PC description. Both have been VERY neglected and abused - now, by both parents. I doubt seriously that we would be the preferred placement, just on experience alone. One would be plenty; both are asking for it.
Oh, and Sis has revoked Jim's older brother's visiting privileges. Period. I'm mean - yeah, sure.
Yes, I think they would bring violence into my home - without really meaning to.
Initially, sure
Date: 2003-10-13 05:01 am (UTC)If not you (and it might not be, the courts might not think it a good idea to have the children move halfway across the country before all the damage is assessed), then I hope they get decent foster parents, which are far and few between, but they are out there.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-13 07:13 am (UTC)She's 15 - 5'10' tall and outweighs me. He's almost 6' now and 13 years old.
He's been psychotic - violently so - since he was a tot. They were hoping to mainstream him into public schools soon - if this doesn't set him back permanently. I would have to investigate special schools and support systems for him - and frankly, that's a bit intimidating. I have visions of using cable ties and calling 911 - not a pretty thought.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-12 07:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-12 09:19 pm (UTC)I've given this one to God; I can't figure it out. Whatever is to be, will be decided by larger forces than mine.
All I can do is wait it out - and not budge an inch when it comes to protecting my family.
It's such a betrayal. It's huge.
In other news - have you seen the new show they're premiering on Discovery Health channel? Hang onto your ass. Buff Brides.
Sounds familiar. That's all. 9_9
I wish you were just a bit closer right now.