Why Apologies Should Not Be Taken Lightly
Sep. 13th, 2002 01:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyburg*hoists the red flag* Arrr. On the 19th, it'll be the Jolly Roger. Arrr.
Until then.
There are things we do every day without thinking. Common courtesies, ingrained behaviors.
Don't think for a moment I don't notice.
Pick up a can of anything - dog food, canned soup and look at the label. Look at everything. You'd think there is a lot of junk on there that doesn't mean anything - it's just there to look pretty, right? Look closer. I can tell you, just about every time, if something is kosher or not. And if you can combine it with something else and remain kosher. Where it was made. Who is responsible if you have an adverse reaction - and how to contact them. Oodles of stuff, you never think about.
I find people have the same attitude toward common courtesy, at times. One always tries to consider the source and accept the realities -- but at times, you do have to notice that something is wrong with this picture.
The nice part is usually, all you have to do is say something. No reasonable human being really wants to be an insensitive putz if they can avoid it. Nobody wants to be a jerk. There are reasons and justifiable causes for the behavior, and always more than one side to a story. We're not talking about that.
We're talking about the overuse of the apology.
In my experience, only one real response is adequate when it comes to a loss equal to the death of a loved one - "I'm so sorry." It's also the first, last and only time I think only those three words are complete unto themselves. In this circumstance, you have acknowledged the loss, and that you are aware of it and wish to offer comfort.
But just about any other time, those three words are just the beginning of the opening statement. A proper apology, to my mind, also includes what the person is apologizing for.
And once said, should all be forgiven and swept away? Goodness, some will even say "I'll make it up to you."
And think that's acceptable.
No.
It's not.
You will rarely hear me say "I'm sorry. I didn't know that would bother you. I was a selfish, insensitive boor and totally used you for my own ends and didn't give a bleep about you at all."
Well, maybe as a joke.
More likely, you will hear "I'm sorry you're upset - how terrible for you! I won't do that again." And mean it.
If I was lucky enough to learn I had done wrong in the first place. That's the second thing.
There are rules, and rants, and lists forever with regard to etiquette and how people expect to be treated, and how not to offend. Skip it. Everyone can make a mistake - as complex as human behavior is. Inadvertently.
What I'm getting at is those who use the apology as emotional currency.
Who knew what's expected of them, and figure it's just easier to apologize after the fact. And don't think anyone will notice, and if they did - so what? They did what was socially acceptable, right?
Am I to give credit for a knee-jerk reaction handed down with as much thought as an eyeblink? Or worse, planned ahead of time to give some wiggle room?
These are the folks who think an apology can be used as an eraser.
I'll cut to the chase.
You can't go back and make it up. You can't do it over. You can't apply Liquid Paper and type over it again, using an apology.
And it just sucks bitter little green rocks when you try.
Do what you say, Say what you mean. Modify message as needed. Keep the channel clear.
Avoid apologies. They should be reserved for situations where nothing else is possible.
Yes, an apology is a start...but if it is the only effort, it's a poor one. So many people just stop there and think they've done their job.
And if you really want to make an impression that will last forever, fuck up a woman's birthday.
*chuckles* On days like this, I'm sure I must have been some Japanese samurai tight-ass in a former life that killed himself when people pissed him off once too often.
NEXT UP: Why feeling regret is okay, and not an indication you're not Goth enough.
Until then.
There are things we do every day without thinking. Common courtesies, ingrained behaviors.
Don't think for a moment I don't notice.
Pick up a can of anything - dog food, canned soup and look at the label. Look at everything. You'd think there is a lot of junk on there that doesn't mean anything - it's just there to look pretty, right? Look closer. I can tell you, just about every time, if something is kosher or not. And if you can combine it with something else and remain kosher. Where it was made. Who is responsible if you have an adverse reaction - and how to contact them. Oodles of stuff, you never think about.
I find people have the same attitude toward common courtesy, at times. One always tries to consider the source and accept the realities -- but at times, you do have to notice that something is wrong with this picture.
The nice part is usually, all you have to do is say something. No reasonable human being really wants to be an insensitive putz if they can avoid it. Nobody wants to be a jerk. There are reasons and justifiable causes for the behavior, and always more than one side to a story. We're not talking about that.
We're talking about the overuse of the apology.
In my experience, only one real response is adequate when it comes to a loss equal to the death of a loved one - "I'm so sorry." It's also the first, last and only time I think only those three words are complete unto themselves. In this circumstance, you have acknowledged the loss, and that you are aware of it and wish to offer comfort.
But just about any other time, those three words are just the beginning of the opening statement. A proper apology, to my mind, also includes what the person is apologizing for.
And once said, should all be forgiven and swept away? Goodness, some will even say "I'll make it up to you."
And think that's acceptable.
No.
It's not.
You will rarely hear me say "I'm sorry. I didn't know that would bother you. I was a selfish, insensitive boor and totally used you for my own ends and didn't give a bleep about you at all."
Well, maybe as a joke.
More likely, you will hear "I'm sorry you're upset - how terrible for you! I won't do that again." And mean it.
If I was lucky enough to learn I had done wrong in the first place. That's the second thing.
There are rules, and rants, and lists forever with regard to etiquette and how people expect to be treated, and how not to offend. Skip it. Everyone can make a mistake - as complex as human behavior is. Inadvertently.
What I'm getting at is those who use the apology as emotional currency.
Who knew what's expected of them, and figure it's just easier to apologize after the fact. And don't think anyone will notice, and if they did - so what? They did what was socially acceptable, right?
Am I to give credit for a knee-jerk reaction handed down with as much thought as an eyeblink? Or worse, planned ahead of time to give some wiggle room?
These are the folks who think an apology can be used as an eraser.
I'll cut to the chase.
You can't go back and make it up. You can't do it over. You can't apply Liquid Paper and type over it again, using an apology.
And it just sucks bitter little green rocks when you try.
Do what you say, Say what you mean. Modify message as needed. Keep the channel clear.
Avoid apologies. They should be reserved for situations where nothing else is possible.
Yes, an apology is a start...but if it is the only effort, it's a poor one. So many people just stop there and think they've done their job.
And if you really want to make an impression that will last forever, fuck up a woman's birthday.
*chuckles* On days like this, I'm sure I must have been some Japanese samurai tight-ass in a former life that killed himself when people pissed him off once too often.
NEXT UP: Why feeling regret is okay, and not an indication you're not Goth enough.
