One post, going nowhere -
Nov. 2nd, 2005 02:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyburgSnark levels rising. It's those stupid horns and tail coming in. Right on schedule.
(The Irish get wings Spring to Fall; the Danish get horns and tails for the winter. What? You think anyone decided to have all the festivals and obligations you have to surmount from October 1st through March, willingly? Trust me on this. It was someone who had one too many people step on their tail getting to the hearthfires. "FINE. HERE. SPEND THE REST OF THE WINTER TOO DAMN BUSY TO THINK STRAIGHT - AND OH YEAH - ENJOY YOURSELF OR DIE TRYING. BUH-BYE!"
Arg.
In the last 48 or so hours, I've been handed a number of things.
One, I might actually know of a friend who has been driven to the brink of madness by poverty and disability. It's so close I can't tell anymore. Can't tell you who - but many of you are nodding right now, I'm sure of it. Not a damn thing I can do. Said person is already in a locked hospital ward.
Two, I was told of a pregnancy. Now - under most circumstances, this would be good. Except the mother is the sole support of both herself and her own mother - and the support? Was a paper route she had to quit because she can't lift the papers anymore. She said. Is she married? No. Will she be married? No. The father wants to wait after the baby is born. (SNARK=ON I think his parents took one look at his prospective MIL and advised him to make sure "there really IS a baby." SNARK=OFF) Please don't ask me to act happy about this. This is insane. You (and the baby) get to have suck lives because the underpinnings weren't in place before you got pregnant. Good luck. We're rooting for you. Not a whole lot more is possible - that's what the biology leaves you.
Three, I'm discovering I have a real, hard-wired reluctance to re-try anything that was less than enjoyable on the last try. Good thing this doesn't extend to dirty dishes, laundry and earning a living. It is extending to writing and other allegedly pleasant experiences. Allegedly. Been a dry well for a long, long time now. To do anything about it requires me to consider doing something that was Not Fun At All the last time. *sighs* NaNoWriMo? Dudes. My anniversary was yesterday, my birthday is in less than two weeks - and I'm leaving the country for one of those weeks - and then I jump right back into Thanksgiving the moment I arrive. I'm going to write, when? I'd appreciate an hour when I could think about writing something, let alone commit something to paper. I'd also like to take a trip out of town in December.
I'd call this a bit of depression, except I'm so angry at the bottom of it. Anxiety I know, depression I know -
I'd blame it on reaching 45 this year - except that's trite and not what comes to mind. The lack of wiggle room in the financial category comes to mind, and even that is improving - slowly. (If I can be happy Jim didn't get the Thanksgiving shift he asked for, without considering the $$$, we're not that far gone.)
Work is slow to the point of infuriating. This is good - I'm going on vacation soon. But staring at the walls doing little or nothing makes one stir-crazy.
I really wish I had a good reason for being so pissed off right now. I think it's all the little things adding up.
But I'll tell you one thing. If I get on vacation, have nothing but time to do nothing - and that cures this?
Something's going to give, big time.
(The Irish get wings Spring to Fall; the Danish get horns and tails for the winter. What? You think anyone decided to have all the festivals and obligations you have to surmount from October 1st through March, willingly? Trust me on this. It was someone who had one too many people step on their tail getting to the hearthfires. "FINE. HERE. SPEND THE REST OF THE WINTER TOO DAMN BUSY TO THINK STRAIGHT - AND OH YEAH - ENJOY YOURSELF OR DIE TRYING. BUH-BYE!"
Arg.
In the last 48 or so hours, I've been handed a number of things.
One, I might actually know of a friend who has been driven to the brink of madness by poverty and disability. It's so close I can't tell anymore. Can't tell you who - but many of you are nodding right now, I'm sure of it. Not a damn thing I can do. Said person is already in a locked hospital ward.
Two, I was told of a pregnancy. Now - under most circumstances, this would be good. Except the mother is the sole support of both herself and her own mother - and the support? Was a paper route she had to quit because she can't lift the papers anymore. She said. Is she married? No. Will she be married? No. The father wants to wait after the baby is born. (SNARK=ON I think his parents took one look at his prospective MIL and advised him to make sure "there really IS a baby." SNARK=OFF) Please don't ask me to act happy about this. This is insane. You (and the baby) get to have suck lives because the underpinnings weren't in place before you got pregnant. Good luck. We're rooting for you. Not a whole lot more is possible - that's what the biology leaves you.
Three, I'm discovering I have a real, hard-wired reluctance to re-try anything that was less than enjoyable on the last try. Good thing this doesn't extend to dirty dishes, laundry and earning a living. It is extending to writing and other allegedly pleasant experiences. Allegedly. Been a dry well for a long, long time now. To do anything about it requires me to consider doing something that was Not Fun At All the last time. *sighs* NaNoWriMo? Dudes. My anniversary was yesterday, my birthday is in less than two weeks - and I'm leaving the country for one of those weeks - and then I jump right back into Thanksgiving the moment I arrive. I'm going to write, when? I'd appreciate an hour when I could think about writing something, let alone commit something to paper. I'd also like to take a trip out of town in December.
I'd call this a bit of depression, except I'm so angry at the bottom of it. Anxiety I know, depression I know -
I'd blame it on reaching 45 this year - except that's trite and not what comes to mind. The lack of wiggle room in the financial category comes to mind, and even that is improving - slowly. (If I can be happy Jim didn't get the Thanksgiving shift he asked for, without considering the $$$, we're not that far gone.)
Work is slow to the point of infuriating. This is good - I'm going on vacation soon. But staring at the walls doing little or nothing makes one stir-crazy.
I really wish I had a good reason for being so pissed off right now. I think it's all the little things adding up.
But I'll tell you one thing. If I get on vacation, have nothing but time to do nothing - and that cures this?
Something's going to give, big time.
