Monday, Monday -
Dec. 10th, 2007 02:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyburgOne thing I am certain of.
Jim is NOT going to find his presents by accident this year. Bwahaha.
--
People might be mildly amused that I am giving my grumpy younger brother a HUGE bag of Coach's Oats (oatmeal) for Christmas. If he's going to be a crotchety old fart, might as well get treated like one.
Beats a pair of socks, you ask me.
Do I think any members of my family know about this LJ? Not a chance. Closest is my niece, who has a MySpace (WHY) - if I showed her this one, she might plotz. Then laugh. Who knows.
I often refer to LJ as "MySpace's saner older sister."
Weekend totally unproductive. Well, if you exclude installing the wireless router. And keeping it up. It was everything I had dreaded and put off for over four years. Nice to know I hadn't over-estimated the PIA-ness of the thing.
I was then motivated to see what adding it would change.
Turns out I can see the iTunes on the Mini on the laptop if they share the wireless connection. This was good until I found out I couldn't put anything from the Mini on the laptop's playlists. BOO. Or do much remotely. BOO HISS.
And the machine serving the wireless router? Not at all. Oh well.
I am also making the dreaded mix CD for giving to friends - I may also make it downloadable. So far, I haven't used a fraction of my bandwidth doing the advent calendar. For ONCE I'd like to have Earthlink fear me. Fat chance.
--
Something I have been reminded of lately - and take this as kindly as you can, because it isn't nice.
When I was at my sickest, depression-wise? I didn't get any passes for it. The whole idea of a "panic attack" hadn't been coined.
I was simply considered defective. And expected to improve as quickly as possible.
You'll find that I may be sympathetic - to a point. Empathy in spades.
But I will also start directing - watch for it. The one thing I wanted more than anything was to be normal enough to "pass" again. And I had a very good idea of what normal would look like - and worked in that direction.
Loved, but not liked. Hated it. So, when I'm discussing depressive illness, and I appear curt - there's the origin.
I truly believe that saved me. I didn't waste time with things that "might" work - or anything where I wasn't in direct control of what was done to me. Cognitive therapy was a perfect fit for me - even when the medications of choice to go with it were not SSRIs, but the valium, libriums and so forth of their day. I turned them all down.
Your mileage may vary. But keep in mind - I know how I felt. And I hated it and did whatever I could to get out of it FAST. I went back to work as soon as I could, I went back to dealing with people as soon as possible (and considered it re-training myself on how to do it properly), and went through many, many legal pads and pencils.
I've said I never stop thinking. Chuck that into overdrive. But thinking alone didn't do it.
I worked. Wrote it down. Challenged a lot of thinking.
But never, ever accepted it as my due. I wanted OUT. I deserved my life, and I deserved a GOOD one.
And I'm still angry at my family for assuming I was defective. At any point.
But - I think that's what saved me.
Jim is NOT going to find his presents by accident this year. Bwahaha.
--
People might be mildly amused that I am giving my grumpy younger brother a HUGE bag of Coach's Oats (oatmeal) for Christmas. If he's going to be a crotchety old fart, might as well get treated like one.
Beats a pair of socks, you ask me.
Do I think any members of my family know about this LJ? Not a chance. Closest is my niece, who has a MySpace (WHY) - if I showed her this one, she might plotz. Then laugh. Who knows.
I often refer to LJ as "MySpace's saner older sister."
Weekend totally unproductive. Well, if you exclude installing the wireless router. And keeping it up. It was everything I had dreaded and put off for over four years. Nice to know I hadn't over-estimated the PIA-ness of the thing.
I was then motivated to see what adding it would change.
Turns out I can see the iTunes on the Mini on the laptop if they share the wireless connection. This was good until I found out I couldn't put anything from the Mini on the laptop's playlists. BOO. Or do much remotely. BOO HISS.
And the machine serving the wireless router? Not at all. Oh well.
I am also making the dreaded mix CD for giving to friends - I may also make it downloadable. So far, I haven't used a fraction of my bandwidth doing the advent calendar. For ONCE I'd like to have Earthlink fear me. Fat chance.
--
Something I have been reminded of lately - and take this as kindly as you can, because it isn't nice.
When I was at my sickest, depression-wise? I didn't get any passes for it. The whole idea of a "panic attack" hadn't been coined.
I was simply considered defective. And expected to improve as quickly as possible.
You'll find that I may be sympathetic - to a point. Empathy in spades.
But I will also start directing - watch for it. The one thing I wanted more than anything was to be normal enough to "pass" again. And I had a very good idea of what normal would look like - and worked in that direction.
Loved, but not liked. Hated it. So, when I'm discussing depressive illness, and I appear curt - there's the origin.
I truly believe that saved me. I didn't waste time with things that "might" work - or anything where I wasn't in direct control of what was done to me. Cognitive therapy was a perfect fit for me - even when the medications of choice to go with it were not SSRIs, but the valium, libriums and so forth of their day. I turned them all down.
Your mileage may vary. But keep in mind - I know how I felt. And I hated it and did whatever I could to get out of it FAST. I went back to work as soon as I could, I went back to dealing with people as soon as possible (and considered it re-training myself on how to do it properly), and went through many, many legal pads and pencils.
I've said I never stop thinking. Chuck that into overdrive. But thinking alone didn't do it.
I worked. Wrote it down. Challenged a lot of thinking.
But never, ever accepted it as my due. I wanted OUT. I deserved my life, and I deserved a GOOD one.
And I'm still angry at my family for assuming I was defective. At any point.
But - I think that's what saved me.
