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kyburgMuch like in previous years, adoption as an issue to discuss and compare notes on - showed up.
In 2008, I had a volunteer who had been a first mother - someone who had made an adoption plan - and later enjoyed a successful reunion. She was completely nonchallant about it - she had her kids...and her OTHER kids. And it was all good. Very matter of fact, and don't worry about it, it all worked out okay. If there was anything I took away from that, it was that she had not thought much more about her child past placement...until reunion, at the child's request. Never given it a second thought.
This year? That parenting panel only had time for a few questions - and the one that ended the panel was from a mother of two children she had adopted from China, now 6 and 8 - if I had heard her right. Gathering my things to leave the room, I stood up and she was gone. I went to the signing area hoping to catch up with her. No joy. Voicing my 'oh crap' moment, I was happily told by the fellow taking my order that he had been adopted at 18 months and remembered nothing about the process - but his buddy sitting next to him chimed in and told me he also didn't remember much of anything important in general. ^^ 18 months is old enough to have some memory - but in his case, nothing. (Adoption has been a lot in the news lately - he discussed the matter very easily and with great willingness, methinks. And he was very 'shrug' about it. Real family is the one you've got. When I explained the terminology of 'first' vs. 'biological' - it was the first time he'd ever heard of it, and appreciated being told about it. Yes, that was exactly it.)
My sitter was an adoptee, also at 18 months - but she had memory of it. In both cases, it had been from foster care - and in both cases, it was something of note, but not of trauma. My sitter also has a three year old of her own - and kind of took me to task for all the stuff our kid has. Well, we don't throw much away and he's the only one of his age group in the family right now. There's plenty of things to pick from. Indulged? UM. Well.
Mom in the panel wanted to know if it was better to remain a parent, or try to also be a 'best friend,' which was unanimously voted down. You're a parent - do NOT try to be friends with your kid. Your kid has friends; you have your own friends. Once the kids are grown? It changes - and it's a maybe thing, at best in my opinion. *chuckles* Parenting is not a popularity contest!
(I got that part a long time ago. I'm certain part of the reason she scooted so quick was that she wanted a different answer. Nope. Not from people who make a living fixing broken parent-child relationships, sweetheart.)
The people I spoke to - the moderator, come to think of it - told me her book had a wonderful adoption story in it. Thanking her, I remarked that I wish I had a wonderful one to tell her in return, but that ours had gotten a terrible start I regretted. Not that I regretted the adoption, but that I had been part of something as awful as separating kid from his foster family so abruptly, painfully so. And looking back? Everyone - all of it, as a whole - were trying to reason with this kid on a rational level, while he was reacting entirely on an emotional one, which does not work. And I got some tips on how to move from one to the other, but we didn't have that then. Sure will the next time - but.
One of the authors? Writes on attachment issues in biological children primarily, which I found refreshing and accurate. No, adoptive kids are not the only ones experience attachment issues!
Touchstones. Gotta have 'em.
In 2008, I had a volunteer who had been a first mother - someone who had made an adoption plan - and later enjoyed a successful reunion. She was completely nonchallant about it - she had her kids...and her OTHER kids. And it was all good. Very matter of fact, and don't worry about it, it all worked out okay. If there was anything I took away from that, it was that she had not thought much more about her child past placement...until reunion, at the child's request. Never given it a second thought.
This year? That parenting panel only had time for a few questions - and the one that ended the panel was from a mother of two children she had adopted from China, now 6 and 8 - if I had heard her right. Gathering my things to leave the room, I stood up and she was gone. I went to the signing area hoping to catch up with her. No joy. Voicing my 'oh crap' moment, I was happily told by the fellow taking my order that he had been adopted at 18 months and remembered nothing about the process - but his buddy sitting next to him chimed in and told me he also didn't remember much of anything important in general. ^^ 18 months is old enough to have some memory - but in his case, nothing. (Adoption has been a lot in the news lately - he discussed the matter very easily and with great willingness, methinks. And he was very 'shrug' about it. Real family is the one you've got. When I explained the terminology of 'first' vs. 'biological' - it was the first time he'd ever heard of it, and appreciated being told about it. Yes, that was exactly it.)
My sitter was an adoptee, also at 18 months - but she had memory of it. In both cases, it had been from foster care - and in both cases, it was something of note, but not of trauma. My sitter also has a three year old of her own - and kind of took me to task for all the stuff our kid has. Well, we don't throw much away and he's the only one of his age group in the family right now. There's plenty of things to pick from. Indulged? UM. Well.
Mom in the panel wanted to know if it was better to remain a parent, or try to also be a 'best friend,' which was unanimously voted down. You're a parent - do NOT try to be friends with your kid. Your kid has friends; you have your own friends. Once the kids are grown? It changes - and it's a maybe thing, at best in my opinion. *chuckles* Parenting is not a popularity contest!
(I got that part a long time ago. I'm certain part of the reason she scooted so quick was that she wanted a different answer. Nope. Not from people who make a living fixing broken parent-child relationships, sweetheart.)
The people I spoke to - the moderator, come to think of it - told me her book had a wonderful adoption story in it. Thanking her, I remarked that I wish I had a wonderful one to tell her in return, but that ours had gotten a terrible start I regretted. Not that I regretted the adoption, but that I had been part of something as awful as separating kid from his foster family so abruptly, painfully so. And looking back? Everyone - all of it, as a whole - were trying to reason with this kid on a rational level, while he was reacting entirely on an emotional one, which does not work. And I got some tips on how to move from one to the other, but we didn't have that then. Sure will the next time - but.
One of the authors? Writes on attachment issues in biological children primarily, which I found refreshing and accurate. No, adoptive kids are not the only ones experience attachment issues!
Touchstones. Gotta have 'em.
