Some thoughts on Saturday's Class

[kyburg]

Our teacher is a new member of Heartsent, in a somewhat new role of resources coordinator. She has about 75 books on adoption and related issues, and has opened a lending library basically out of her office. Some of the books are just incredible - yes, we're going to get some of them, just because - surprising me that so many were age-appropriate below age 8. And delightful in the bargain!

Also, talking about adoption?

We're - both of us - aggressive in group discussions. We, as a couple, always have been. Separately, you might be surprised how much we clam up. Either of us can be pretty pushy, to be honest - but get us into a group, where we are encouraged to talk - and we spill it. I'm fearless about my discussion material (I will talk about anything), but Jim's catching up to me.

Our teacher? She related a couple of occasions when she was out at the Montclair Mall (and oh yes, living in Ontario all those years, I know the place well) where she was outside Nordies (one of Sis' favorite hangouts, also legion for hooty-tooty-rich-n-snooty behaviors) - in one case, she couldn't quite shake the stranger's interest in her child (Is that your daughter? Is your husband Chinese? Is she adopted?) and finally asked the snoop how many times a week she and her husband had sex. "Well, we were talking about personal subjects, weren't we? I thought that bar had been set - "

The other time? She had retorted to the end-game question - "Is she adopted?" with "Are yours?" And it made the two small children with their snoopy parent cry - "Are we adopted, MOM?!" (One wonders what's going on in THAT household, don't you?)

She says she doesn't make children cry anymore, but advises to gently deflect the snoopy questions with "We don't discuss that outside our family."

Also, to get an idea of what you want to talk about, at age-appropriate levels. It is also advised that you discuss adoption throughout the child's life - the most recent studies from the Korean adoptees are supporting that. (And I'd have to agree. Any kid placed with us is going to figure out quickly that we're not the biological parents.) And that this is a good thing, a wanted, planned, intentional act - and no accident.

I suggested to the teacher how to set up a wishlist at Amazon, since most of her books had to be ordered - people could go out, find the list and order off it (and change the ship to information at the end). She didn't know you could do that - that, and you can also do the same thing at Abebooks.com as well.

We got home and found a letter from Heartsent in the mail - advising us that the wait time from dossier acceptance to placement in China is now up to 12 months in length (it was 8-11 when we began). This is being attributed to fewer children available for adoption - which, I can only hope is because fewer Chinese families are jettisoning their daughters. I'm the one who has to be patient. Jim? Really wanted to have his daughter by Christmas - which I thought was going to be unrealistic, and it was. Maybe this time next year. Yeah.

There really is a lot of things we still need to do to be ready. Family Leave needs to be examined and weighed as a resource. We both won't be taking it at the same time, just the weeks we need to go to China. I think Jim is going to be home first for his stay, and then we'll trade. Jim is also going to need to switch shifts, if we plan to minimize daycare - and that has to be negotiated. He's been assured that won't be an issue, but going per diem to do it might not be the wisest thing to do to accomplish it. I also want to get to know my daycare provider upfront, too. This is not going to be a simple kid, after all. If it's racist, it is, but there's a good chance I can find an Asian daycare provider in my neighborhood - that, and someone really good? That's what I want.

Costco handed me a coupon for $23 off a DVD set of Little Einsteins. The sale's sometime in late summer. I clipped it.

I need to go back through my things, and recollect my Baby Box stuff. I have an afghan I made, a wooden rattle I got waaaay back in the day when I hoped Cliff and I would have children, some other toys and items. I have the bare necessities mandated by DCFS, but maybe I can work that up a bit more. I know I have a fabric stash out in the little house that needs to be raided. Fabric King went out of business over a decade ago, but I cleared them out of a ton of flannel. Time to drag it out and see if it's still useable for receiving blankets and such.

...And then go find a notary to get my certificates of birth, marriage and death. Yay. Oh, and get fingerprinted again.

Some people get to barf in the morning. I swear, by the time this is done, I'm going to bleed ink.

riverheart, I took your advice and got the pack and save machine from Costco over the weekend - going to be working up stock packs tonight. Wish me luck. What does one do with fresh garlic when there is far too much to use in a reasonable period? I'm trying to take my cues from what you can find on the store shelves (frozen garlic? Nope.) - dried, minced in the jar, fried....I'm just running out of time to get it done (that, and personal stores. JPL wiped me out.) - what would you suggest?

But I am going to get some brain-fluff time tonight - a cup of tea, and some Simming. I've just recently learned how to get in-game shots that actually are worth the the time to get (and kiyone, if you can find that guy with the Photoshop for Mac? I'll trade shoes....) - Apple Works doesn't really have a good tool to work with the pictures, but the one I get raw ain't all that bad.

OH - and Jim got the USB adaptor for Nintendo WiFi. You want either of us for AC:WW? Ask nicely - if we're home, we have WiFi now.

And with that, I scoot.

Comments

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I want some more Asian faces in this kid's life - some of the research out of the Korean adoptees that's come to light is indicating that culture, when it's directly reflected by race, can be as much a factor as the adoption when it comes to integrating into society at large. She always has a place where she "fits in" - she'll have those memories to draw on later.

I'm in the right place to do this - why not take advantage of it? It's likely the provider will be Pinoy, not Chinese - but I want some more brown people around. Our families of origin are multi-racial (and that will be good for her for reference), but we're so white bread it's scary.

They suggest exposure to the culture - lots of it. I can't say I'm going to be resistant in any way, since we already are immersed in much of it.

Of course, wonderful comes in all colors - this is another task that's going to take more than a few months to complete.

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

My thoughts are:

I doubt this touchy-feely research. my brother is adopted Korean and he never had any interest in Korean culture. He is completely self-confident and well-adjusted. He also has no problem with having white/multicultural friends. I think what he learned from his upbringing is that color doesn't actually matter. Doing things that give the impression of "OMG you are a different color so we need to do SPECIAL THINGS for you" is IMO more harmful than just allowing the kid to be raised like anyone else.

I also am really leery of the idea of having specifically minority childcare. Minorities (especially minority women) have traditionally been used for such low-status and low-pay occupations as child care provider, housekeeping, janitorial services, etc. Making sure that your child is raised with confirmation of such a stereotype seems harmful to me.

I think you'll do better if you just focus on giving your child love and affirmation, instead of treating them like they're strange and need special care because of their ethnicity.

She always has a place where she "fits in" - she'll have those memories to draw on later.

Why is it that you seem to feel that she can't "fit in" with you, just because your skin is a different color from hers? She's no different from you, you know. She's only a different color.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Aha, but the trick is doing it so that you don't give the impression anything is being done!

Feelings are strange things - the only thing I can do is try to head off as many issues as I can. She's going to be surrounded by people of every color known under the sun, literally (we're not chosing godparents, we're building a committee, for crying out loud - that's another post) - developmentally, each age has its own "identification" tags that could turn into landmines. Could - no guarantee.

Sis had a childcare worker who was white, married to a Chinese spouse with a son - they've been buddies since they were 2 years old each. (They're now in high school) I could ask - and see where they stand on it.

In my neighborhood, it's more likely I will find child care with either Pinoy or Hispanic providers. That's the demographic of the neighborhood, not necessarily a preference. (When I tell you we're the only crackers in the box, I'm also not kidding there either.) I was raised with child care in the home growing up myself - most of them elderly women (much like the nannies in Sims2, ironically). Did I ever think child care work was only for their age group? It's interesting what gets skipped at times -

I've also got a ton of reading to do myself on the subject - I'll let you know what that turns up as well.