I've got a moment -
Aug. 1st, 2007 01:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyburgIt's time to start writing about this.
I would love to talk to you about my older brother. The one who was a better parent at 14 than my father, the one who never turned me away when I was growing up and needed someone to turn to...the one who probably saved my life when I decided to try out the nightlight and ended up nearly electrocuting myself at age 3 (and still have the scars to show for it).
The one who gave me my first 45 records of the Beatles when I was five, saying I could have them because 'he was tired of them.'
Who then later introduced me to Barry Manilow.
If you hear me telling you how to apply for a job, and keep at it until you succeed...those steps are the ones he taught me.
How to write a cover letter. How to apply for college. WHY you go to college. My whole work ethic.
The blond hair and very direct stare, we have in common. I'm acquiring a certain bony, gaunt look as I age - and I've seen it before on him. He's ten years old than me, y'see.
I always worked harder for him than Mom, he was the tougher audience...and the most rewarding.
He's gotten a doctorate in Education from USC, has been in education for decades, is the superintendent of a BIG school system in Northern California and I'm insanely proud of him.
I have three siblings and a mother; three of them have my back.
One of them has a Wife.
And she doesn't like her husband's family. Not one of us. Well, not any of us that she can't convince she's Right about everything...and that we've slandered her Good Name...or some such. Dad's family, out of state, I think have more contact with them than we ever did. Definitely more recent contact.
The Wife doesn't like my Mom. Mom probably was one of the first people to issue any kind of an opinion - and the moment it wasn't stellar, that's when the trouble began.
That's also where it began with older brother and I, I think. The saddest part is that I believe the whole thing was a misunderstanding - and there's been no communication in over two years to figure out just what it was She took offense to.
Because if brother took it home for discussion - and She found it wanting - She'd make sure he was in agreement that no further contact was taken. And so it has been. They're quite the married couple - one mind in two bodies - but in their case, I'd have to add that it's also been one ball of spite forced to live in two bodies.
I've offered to let them have whatever part they want of me - I can be so totally Dead Wrong, it's uncanny and I know it - but first, you have to talk to me.
Heaven forbid you find out the truth.
Bitter, am I? Tired of it. Probably why I haven't pursued it. They won't talk to me? Their children are total strangers to me? Completely normal under the circumstances, neh? What I know of them is what they've done to my brother, growing up.
And they haven't been as good to my brother as I would want them to be. I love my brother. Unconditionally, and I've tried often enough to end that - but the best I can get to is indifference. Be damned for that, so be it. I'd be just as clear about that if anyone treated a sibling that way - or if a sibling treated my mother that way. (My sister's children adore their mother, excel in school, do well in just about everything they do - but if they ever hurt or took advantage of Sis like older brother's kids have done him? Don't expect me to be happy about it. Do anything about it, not my job. There's a difference.)
Anything I have at this point also? Born, raised and lives in a vacuum. Do I really KNOW any of this to be true? Nah. Not a word. It's been years now...what would I really know? At least I can cop to that.
If you notice a certain...sensitivity...in my dealings with married couples, when it comes to being on equally good terms with both partners, you now have the source of it. If your wife does not like me...I'll pull away. If your fella hates my guts, I'll likely do much the same. It's old, learned and well-ingrained.
I love my brother. And he's married to someone who knows that, and has no problem using it to torture me and manipulate me to suit whatever agenda she has.
No. The door is always open for legitimate discussion...but I am not going to chase after them to drag them inside and talk to me. I'm too old to stand on my hind legs and beg.
I would love to talk to you about my older brother. The one who was a better parent at 14 than my father, the one who never turned me away when I was growing up and needed someone to turn to...the one who probably saved my life when I decided to try out the nightlight and ended up nearly electrocuting myself at age 3 (and still have the scars to show for it).
The one who gave me my first 45 records of the Beatles when I was five, saying I could have them because 'he was tired of them.'
Who then later introduced me to Barry Manilow.
If you hear me telling you how to apply for a job, and keep at it until you succeed...those steps are the ones he taught me.
How to write a cover letter. How to apply for college. WHY you go to college. My whole work ethic.
The blond hair and very direct stare, we have in common. I'm acquiring a certain bony, gaunt look as I age - and I've seen it before on him. He's ten years old than me, y'see.
I always worked harder for him than Mom, he was the tougher audience...and the most rewarding.
He's gotten a doctorate in Education from USC, has been in education for decades, is the superintendent of a BIG school system in Northern California and I'm insanely proud of him.
I have three siblings and a mother; three of them have my back.
One of them has a Wife.
And she doesn't like her husband's family. Not one of us. Well, not any of us that she can't convince she's Right about everything...and that we've slandered her Good Name...or some such. Dad's family, out of state, I think have more contact with them than we ever did. Definitely more recent contact.
The Wife doesn't like my Mom. Mom probably was one of the first people to issue any kind of an opinion - and the moment it wasn't stellar, that's when the trouble began.
That's also where it began with older brother and I, I think. The saddest part is that I believe the whole thing was a misunderstanding - and there's been no communication in over two years to figure out just what it was She took offense to.
Because if brother took it home for discussion - and She found it wanting - She'd make sure he was in agreement that no further contact was taken. And so it has been. They're quite the married couple - one mind in two bodies - but in their case, I'd have to add that it's also been one ball of spite forced to live in two bodies.
I've offered to let them have whatever part they want of me - I can be so totally Dead Wrong, it's uncanny and I know it - but first, you have to talk to me.
Heaven forbid you find out the truth.
Bitter, am I? Tired of it. Probably why I haven't pursued it. They won't talk to me? Their children are total strangers to me? Completely normal under the circumstances, neh? What I know of them is what they've done to my brother, growing up.
And they haven't been as good to my brother as I would want them to be. I love my brother. Unconditionally, and I've tried often enough to end that - but the best I can get to is indifference. Be damned for that, so be it. I'd be just as clear about that if anyone treated a sibling that way - or if a sibling treated my mother that way. (My sister's children adore their mother, excel in school, do well in just about everything they do - but if they ever hurt or took advantage of Sis like older brother's kids have done him? Don't expect me to be happy about it. Do anything about it, not my job. There's a difference.)
Anything I have at this point also? Born, raised and lives in a vacuum. Do I really KNOW any of this to be true? Nah. Not a word. It's been years now...what would I really know? At least I can cop to that.
If you notice a certain...sensitivity...in my dealings with married couples, when it comes to being on equally good terms with both partners, you now have the source of it. If your wife does not like me...I'll pull away. If your fella hates my guts, I'll likely do much the same. It's old, learned and well-ingrained.
I love my brother. And he's married to someone who knows that, and has no problem using it to torture me and manipulate me to suit whatever agenda she has.
No. The door is always open for legitimate discussion...but I am not going to chase after them to drag them inside and talk to me. I'm too old to stand on my hind legs and beg.
