Home again, home again -

[kyburg]

Note to self - do not park under the lightposts at the Green Line Station when leaving the car there over the weekend.

Car covered in birdie poo. Serious, serious, we're-stopping-at-the-car-wash-on-the-way-home birdie poo.

Red car with beeg white polka dots, that was her. Poor car.

--

I've said you can't snow me. Boy, spending the weekend with Jim's mother and younger brother didn't feel all that great by the time it was over.

You want to put your best foot forward, of course. Everyone does.

But I know. And while I can give you space, consider the source and nod sagely - the dynamics were there, present and in play.

We're talking about a family unit that took a blow by divorce that the players are still coming to terms with.

If you had a been a better 'whatever' - I would have had a better life. I would have what other people take for granted. I don't have what other people have because of you.

And as long as it looks good and sounds familiar and reassuring - everything is fine.

I have one brother of my own who doesn't talk to me. I know how this works, after all. You won't tell me what I want to hear - or play along - or heaven forbid, you have an opinion that isn't exactly savory about someone who makes Everything Work for me - and instead of nodding, filing it away for future reference and considering the source, I accuse you of *something* (I really don't know WHAT I did to this day) and I don't want anything to do with you.

Well, all right then.

That's one person in my family. Door is left open, but I don't pursue him. I'm pretty dangerous, after all.

You screw up, I call you on it. There's no looking for shit to throw on me - go ahead, I know what I said or did - and really, I simply don't care enough about what other people think for it to matter.

I can be anything. I know I'm not junk, and you're saying so doesn't make it true.

I may apologize if I stepped on your toes, if I was wrong (JEEZ, that's the ONLY thing I can sure of) - but that's as far as it goes. If I really blew it, I'll do what I can to prevent it from happening again - acknowledge I DID IT and mean it, I blow it 12% of the time on my best day after all -

And then we go on.

That's not the culture Jim grew up in, it's not the one his family still lives in - and poor guy, the younger brother just took it broadside over the weekend.

I swear, the last day was the biggest game of "Topper" I've played since I was a teenager.

The whole China adoption thing was a continual bone of contention. Obviously, we were Doing It Wrong and someone - anyone - had a better in than we did. Because, well, nothing was working Our Way!

I'll admit, I blew it too. I forgot - and started trying to defend myself. Which you can't do with someone who 1) doesn't know what you know and 2) is just trying to be helpful, implying you're an idiot and a sucker you're being had. And perhaps I could have just taken it in - but when it sounds like "you dummy, why aren't you - " - well.

In their culture, everyone is out to get you if they can. Base assumption.

And what an idiot you are if you don't realize this yourself. Why not do it too? Take advantage! You'd be an idiot not to!

In all honesty? You get what you expect out of this world. Expect the worst - and more likely than not, you will be your worst too.

What I saw was a lot of fractured, selective behavior. The tip-offs were "people think you're - and fill in the blank - if - fill in the other blank", usually reserved for some mode of public behavior.

Huge, unwieldy game faces. All weekend long. And this is taking us OUT of our home environs. Intentionally.

Trust only to a point, and plenty of reassurances nearly unspoken - but present - that I Don't Trust You, Her or Anyone. Really.

And nobody - if they really knew the Real Me - would have a thing to do with me.

So - let me show you what you can handle. And won't hate. And remind you're too trusting, nobody tells you the truth - ever - and everyone has an agenda of their own that doesn't include you in it. And you can only stay on their agenda if you Behave. Be what they want. Say what they want. Suck it up and keep your stories straight with the rest of the family. Don't tell them about this. Don't say that to the others.

I know.

Jim? Always expects the best out of people - and when thwarted, is angry. Just like clockwork. I think he was getting his buttons pressed most of the weekend, and it was just subliminal enough for him not to notice it. He knew he wasn't getting everything - while getting in trouble and unable to do anything about it. Because, well, he never was in trouble...just someone you didn't tell anything important to.

I didn't do anything. Crap. Yes you did. We all did.

Note to self: if you want to help, it doesn't work well when you must work from the place you have to be Right about everything. You have to make your argument, after all - not Be Right-er than thou.

(OH. You have to be at the airport two to three hours ahead of your flight?

Don't be there more than four hours ahead. You can't check your bags or go through security to your gate to wait in peace with the rest of your family heading out two hours ahead of you. Just saying.)

Just one more annoying bit of business to be wrong about.

You don't know what you're talking about. You're stupid and annoying and I have to put up with you. Be grateful that I do.

I don't think anyone really knew they were doing it. They'd NEVER be that cruel. I guess that made the apologies for being 'difficult' just that harder to accept.

We get home, and all of a sudden - we're ten times more intelligent, know what we need to do and have everything at our fingertips to get it done. And nobody quibbles. Or questions our judgment or motivations.

Ghads. Dealing with your family. It really is work, isn't it?

And these are people I LIKE. I guess that makes it harder in a way, doesn't it?

Nobody did anything, after all. We had a great time - seriously!

That post is tomorrow - right now, I'm still a little bemused and wondering WTF that was all about.

Comments

[seamusd.livejournal.com]

Hey, I know you've been busy lately, but did you ever get those Todd Rundgren CDs I sent you?

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I'm going by the post office right now! Sorry about that -

[seamusd.livejournal.com]

No problem. I just don't usually trust the post office and thought they might have gotten lost in the mail.

[elizanikole.livejournal.com]

You don't know what you're talking about. You're stupid and annoying and I have to put up with you. Be grateful that I do.



That is the attitude I receive from my Mother, sister and brother in law constantly. They argue with me over everything. If I say..."I prefer to do things xyz way for xyz reason" my sister in law will come back at me with..."well. I want to give you another option...why don't you consider xyz way. That's how I'd do it.. but of YOU can do it however YOU want to."

It's constant and includes everything from my hair, my education and tops the cake with my kids.

[snobahr.livejournal.com]

I get similar shots like that from my mother-in-law, and I shoot them down, silently revelling in the smoking entrails, when I counter with, "I tried that, and due to a number of situations on my part, it failed spectacularly, and you couldn't pay me enough to do it like that again." There have also been the replies that the Suggested Option was now illegal ("But it was just fine when I was your age"... forty years ago!), and the fact that because society has advanced as far as it had, the offered suggestions were laughably out-of-date.

I'm more than half my mother-in-law's age, and I turn 40 this year. We have grand yelling fights about every month and a half.

[elizanikole.livejournal.com]

I have resolved myself to never have a yelling match with my Mother in law. No good can come of it.

Don't think I haven't been encouraged by her son to do it though.... laughs softly I just generally shut up after I'm challenged. Between my Mil and my Sil it's a losing battle as they must. always. be. right and my sister in law must control everything. Luckily for them, I'm really meek/mild mannered....

But, I'm also pulling up our roots and moving to the other side of the country this summer. And I do hope that once we're gone, she realizes that she had a hand in why I felt like this was never my home, nor was I ever a part of his family.

[snobahr.livejournal.com]

Yeah, for both of us, these yelling matches are cathartic. We do love eachother deeply, but she is always Never At Fault and Always The Victim, and I don't pander to that attitude. I won't pander to that, because I will not let my 4 year old son learn that passive-aggressive, muttering under one's breath complaints is any way to behave, and certainly not the way to behave towards family.

My husband, however, has the Cool Mother-In-Law. Likes Monty Python, used to be on the original Benny Hill Show, enjoys blue humour and puns... That's her in my userpic :)

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

See, I can't help but think this is cultural. It certainly seems pretty common, even if it sucks rocks backwards.

Ghad, I certainly wouldn't LIVE with it. No way.

[drlaurac.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I hate head games. I am glad you are home!

[yeoww.livejournal.com]

Ah, family gatherings. I have a brother who doesn't speak to me either. I do know the perceived sin that I committed and I'd commit it again today, so there's no room for improvement, apparently ;-/

I'm glad you're home, and away from all of that. Family can reduce me to my lowest common denominator fasternshit.