It's all me, don't worry --

[kyburg]

Cross-posting from the amv.org journal:

Got home at 7:30 - picked up voicemail at 8:30 after fielding too many telemarketer calls - and found out my sister was having emergency surgery for a detached retina today. She's in surgery now.

According to what I've been able to gather, she's known there was a problem for almost a month. She's had no sight in that eye for five days.

*takes a deep breath* Okay, I'm going to be a big girl about this.

I worked in an eye surgery scheduling people for this specific emergency. They sent people out to corral one patient once who did not return to the surgery within four hours.

My late husband had two of these surgeries before losing the vision in one eye entirely.

There's a family history - I've been seen by a retinologist *specifically* for this as a preventative measure.

She knew about this.

A month. Five days. She never called me. Never said a word to me.

I can't for the life of me understand why she wouldn't tell me. It's taking all my spare MPS today, guys. Maybe when I've stopped having hysterics, I'll be a reasonable human being again.

But I swear, she probably told all her friends. And no, this is not the first time she's shut me out.

So I'm hurt. Call CNN. Fuggit. This is serious suckage....

Let's be blunt. She's likely to have significant or total loss of vision in that eye.

She calls and leaves the "happy happy, everything is fine" piece of shit voicemail and expects me to believe it.

I don't get it.

It's funny that we've been talking about boundaries this week. Welcome to my older sister's.

NO.

GO AWAY.

YOU BORE ME.

STUPID.

ETC.

Since I can remember.

About the only reason I can give is that I had the bad luck to be born before she was 18.

And oh, the resentment. It still hurts. That's likely the cause of my histronics today. Hey, it's not my fault we had to share *everything* - I didn't ask to be your sister/shadow. We're only a year and a month apart in age - so being the same gender, we ended up in the same bedroom, same closet...same schools and you would think, same friends?

Oh no fucking way. Sis was the ringleader of the gang of thugs who excluded me from everything. Thugs is kinda harsh. Sis wanted to be popular. She was. I wasn't.

I learned early it wasn't essential for my survival. All hail me and my talent for perspective. I worked REAL hard to put space between us, when space wasn't possible.

And Sis has been much more successful in the conventional mode than I have been - not by sheer luck, either. She's worked VERY hard for it. I admire hard work. I admire my Sister -

She's turned out pretty okay.

But there are times when I'm forcibly reminded I'm not one of her Friends. Or her Fans.

Like now.

Her friends are people like her, (makes sense) who have six figure-earning husbands, wonderful children and are like her in every way, except she works part-time largely because she wants to. She could quit tomorrow and oh, maybe the kids would have to go to public school. They're the ones who make those scrapbooks that cost $5 a page for the paper. Drive the SUVs with the bumperstickers. You know.

I know she told them the minute she found out she had a problem - confided in them, asked their advice - listened to them when they recommended their doctors, their personal experience.

But me?

I'm not good enough, I guess.

She didn't want to. She didn't --

Pardon me while I go ball up in a corner and cry again because I know my sister has absolutely no use for me. Again.

And it's just going to hurt more the next time it happens. I wonder what it will be. A cancer diagnosis? One of the kids killed in a car wreck or moving to a boarding school? I'm good for school projects - but not for anything important.

...there just isn't any other good reason...so what's left?

The suckage. Hey, it's just me. I'll do what I'm supposed to do and get over it. Nobody meant anything - I'm over-reacting again. It's pretty selfish for me to be upset about this at a time like this, isn't it?

Five days with no vision in one eye and she didn't think it would be important to me.

She didn't want my help.

Fine. Welcome to the boundary. *bow* I respect your right to establish it, define it and maintain it.

...excuse me for living but the graveyards are full and Hell don't want me...

Comments

As Horrid as it Sounds

[silverkun.livejournal.com]

Things could always be worse.

No, your sister isn't the most gracious or sympathetic person on this earth. I've met her. I know.

Yes, you're overreacting, but considering the long-term amount of shite you've gotten, being "almost good enough" but never "good enough" to be on par with your sister, having nothing that was yours that you didn't have to scrimp and wound for, I'd say you're overdue for at least some reaction. I don't condone the action, but I certainly, from experience that isn't simply my own, understand the rationale.

And yes, your friends and husband love you anyways. And I believe Cliff appreciated and appreciates you.
And yes, I think Joyce was a twit, too.

Live and learn, my dear. She is family and will always be family, even if she should pass on. You two have come together to accomplish some pretty amazing things, though I still say you are surrounded by ungrateful people. Except, perhaps, your husband.

And yes, she's likely had her own shapings and courses towards an end.

And it doesn't mean you've done something to make you unworthy. Shigata ganai. Some things simply are.

Life goes on, and those who are close to you are telling you about what they had for lunch; I think it all evens out.

Prattling On,
-Silver

Re: As Horrid as it Sounds

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

And she's out of surgery -- I called the center when I started getting hungry and counted the hours on my fingers and decided I was tired of waiting for the phone to ring.

The recovery room nurse was a doll and passed on that Diane said I was her "pushy sister."

I responded with a "takes one to know one."

Hungry. Going to go eat something stationary.