I am not your cup of tea.
May. 13th, 2010 12:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyburgI encourage you to be angry at me. With me. Seriously.
About the only thing I warn you is that I might notice the fact, note it for future reference and move on to my next task.
That's all.
If I actually have anything to do with your ire, I will do what I can about it. You can be fairly sure I will cop to it. Even if it's only a 'sorry that made you mad' and slap a disclaimer on the back end of it.
But if you are insulted or further infuriated by my perceived lack of concern? I don't suggest getting angry at me as a way of making your argument.
I don't automatically get angry at people angry at me.
I mention a long history with depressive issues - there are real reasons for them, but there are also real solutions to same I've been taught over the years.
My first encounter with the couch was before the age of ten. My last was over twenty years ago. I consult with trained professionals these days for very nuts-and-bolts issues with finite need for their services - but before I was 27? I fought a battle to simply avoid being institutionalized. I was that anxious.
It was so very crucial that nobody hate me. If they got angry at me? HORRORS. No, really.
What finally set me free was getting up close and personal with the concept that other's people's issues? Belonged to them. And I had no control over them, and attempting to gain control? Icky. Manipulative. Pretty damn sucky, if you look at it. And none of them were things I was comfortable doing. It's not that I had lost anything by coming to this place - it was liberating, because this was something I'd never had the power to influence. And that was the truth - it really can set you free.
People can think anything they want about me. Ditto, in reverse. It changes nothing.
So one of the first thing I had to get comfortable with was other's people's displeasure, perceived or real, with me. It took practice. And to be honest? Initially, my closest relationships shifted considerably as it was discovered I would not be pushed by threatening me with anger. I had to get comfortable with the idea of being alone - possibly - if I stuck it out.
I discovered I was more stubborn than I ever realized. Add being as fair as possible, thinking things through and an innate lack of mean (I don't have time for it), and you come up with something pretty close to what I work with now. I can spend extended periods alone, by the way. It's not scary. Or an indication of personal failure.
You'd be amazed at how much more successful you can be in relationships when you're not frantic about being out of one at the same time.
I've had mean tossed at me. I can replicate it. I don't do it. It hurts and I don't respect people who, having experienced the same, reserve those *exact* tactics to hurt others. It's not even original. Feh.
And I don't give people who do that access to me.
Now, to the good? I'm okay with calling Marines out on bad behavior. Cliff was also good about teaching me the value of being Absolutely CRAZY as a offensive/defensive posture, and I kind of sit back sometimes and watch it in action with disbelief.
To the bad? I can come off stone cold and impassive. You do raise my ire, the ground may actually move. Very few things, people or otherwise, deserve that. Hence, my rule of 'if I can't be excellent to you, I will be nothing to you.'
Only thing I have control over - what I say and what I do.
What other people think usually has more to do with them, than with me. If there is something to be done? Fine. But I get to decide that.
Get angry with me. Knock yourself out. I just may not join the party - I get to decide that part.
About the only thing I warn you is that I might notice the fact, note it for future reference and move on to my next task.
That's all.
If I actually have anything to do with your ire, I will do what I can about it. You can be fairly sure I will cop to it. Even if it's only a 'sorry that made you mad' and slap a disclaimer on the back end of it.
But if you are insulted or further infuriated by my perceived lack of concern? I don't suggest getting angry at me as a way of making your argument.
I don't automatically get angry at people angry at me.
I mention a long history with depressive issues - there are real reasons for them, but there are also real solutions to same I've been taught over the years.
My first encounter with the couch was before the age of ten. My last was over twenty years ago. I consult with trained professionals these days for very nuts-and-bolts issues with finite need for their services - but before I was 27? I fought a battle to simply avoid being institutionalized. I was that anxious.
It was so very crucial that nobody hate me. If they got angry at me? HORRORS. No, really.
What finally set me free was getting up close and personal with the concept that other's people's issues? Belonged to them. And I had no control over them, and attempting to gain control? Icky. Manipulative. Pretty damn sucky, if you look at it. And none of them were things I was comfortable doing. It's not that I had lost anything by coming to this place - it was liberating, because this was something I'd never had the power to influence. And that was the truth - it really can set you free.
People can think anything they want about me. Ditto, in reverse. It changes nothing.
So one of the first thing I had to get comfortable with was other's people's displeasure, perceived or real, with me. It took practice. And to be honest? Initially, my closest relationships shifted considerably as it was discovered I would not be pushed by threatening me with anger. I had to get comfortable with the idea of being alone - possibly - if I stuck it out.
I discovered I was more stubborn than I ever realized. Add being as fair as possible, thinking things through and an innate lack of mean (I don't have time for it), and you come up with something pretty close to what I work with now. I can spend extended periods alone, by the way. It's not scary. Or an indication of personal failure.
You'd be amazed at how much more successful you can be in relationships when you're not frantic about being out of one at the same time.
I've had mean tossed at me. I can replicate it. I don't do it. It hurts and I don't respect people who, having experienced the same, reserve those *exact* tactics to hurt others. It's not even original. Feh.
And I don't give people who do that access to me.
Now, to the good? I'm okay with calling Marines out on bad behavior. Cliff was also good about teaching me the value of being Absolutely CRAZY as a offensive/defensive posture, and I kind of sit back sometimes and watch it in action with disbelief.
To the bad? I can come off stone cold and impassive. You do raise my ire, the ground may actually move. Very few things, people or otherwise, deserve that. Hence, my rule of 'if I can't be excellent to you, I will be nothing to you.'
Only thing I have control over - what I say and what I do.
What other people think usually has more to do with them, than with me. If there is something to be done? Fine. But I get to decide that.
Get angry with me. Knock yourself out. I just may not join the party - I get to decide that part.
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no subject
Date: 2010-05-13 07:57 pm (UTC)Read DFT.
:D
no subject
Date: 2010-05-13 11:09 pm (UTC)Liberating indeed
Date: 2010-05-13 08:04 pm (UTC)Yup. This is why I get so tired of people freaking out on me when I express my disappointment. I am allowed to be disappointed that something did not or will not happen the way I wanted it to, even if it does have something to do with them. It is my being honest about my feelings, not me trying to be manipulative. I am sorry you are used to people using it to be manipulative, but sometimes it is just me being disappointed, which is a healthy emotion to express in most situations. And when they "do something wrong" and I bring it up to them, beating themselves up about it does me no good so why would I want that? I point it out as a way to let them know so they have the opportunity to learn about what my needs are. Standing up for my needs is something I can do, making them other people's priority is up to them.
Re: Liberating indeed
Date: 2010-05-13 11:28 pm (UTC)My least favorite is saying 'don't be mad, but - '
I like using the words 'I wish - ' and be good about it, stay balanced, nobody likes being told they fell down on the job and all that. 'Maybe next time - ' is also a nice one.
But boy. Once is plenty. After that, it's on me to cope.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-13 09:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-13 11:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 12:44 am (UTC)We've all heard the first part before, but I've never heard someone put the logical conclusion to that into words better. Thanks.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 01:57 am (UTC)Because you never really know if it's 'working' - or if it ever did, to be frank. That kind of stuff is just crazy making.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 02:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 04:27 pm (UTC)Being able to listen and not push buttons? That talent is priceless. It'll take anyone a long, long way.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 03:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 04:29 pm (UTC)That's when I go home. I can go comb a cat.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-14 08:02 pm (UTC)