Teaching Moments
Jul. 26th, 2010 02:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyburgNoting them, and taking them as they come.
I would have to describe our parenting style right now as hyper-vigilant, because who wants to have a kid who won't listen, is over aggressive and thinks your demands for appropriate behavior are a joke? Right. None of it is that blatant - believe me, if it were, it would be serious couch time and it's not - but. With such a sweet tempered kid? You see the naughty boy very easily when he shows up.
And to his credit, kid is responding well to the additional expectations. Like anyone, he enjoys being entertained more than having to work (even at something entertaining), but with a little encouragement, he can make do playing with things instead of playing videogames either on the wii or the DS.
(I still find it amusing as hell that out of all the things you can do at a park, cleaning off the equipment gets the most time and effort. Yup, Mr. 10 out of 10 Neat points, that's him.)
Saturday, I donated blood for the first time in forever - and wouldn't you know, I'd get a painful stick right when I needed to be able to use that arm a whole lot? And then, right on schedule - I'm a girl, yup! So Saturday was a lot of woozy and fail - after we went to the school-sponsored car wash, we got lunch, naps and house time.
Sunday was a birthday party. Scheduled at 1:00 PM. This is going to be tough, but I'm going to make it work.
See, that hour of the day? My kid usually is sleeping. No, we are nowhere near ready to get rid of that nap. And definitely not going to challenge it going into a social situation right now. So. What to do?
You get up, get kid his breakfast and head to the park at 7:30 AM, that's what you do. You do that until you stop long enough to go to the market for lunch things and head to another park to eat said lunch and piddle around until you pack up kid in the car and drive the 405 until he falls asleep from said park time and food coma...and this time, that plan worked.
Kid was asleep at 11:30, down for the count until I woke him up at 1:00. We got underway and while it was closer to 1:30 when we got there, this was about as good as I was going to get. My kid has had food, a nap and is ready to be a very good guest. Let's party.
He's going to have his own birthday party at this same place in less than a month, so I made some mental notes. 'OMG, this is going to be so much fun' is the first one.
It's a gym - for little kids. I don't think they could do kids older than 10 or so - the equipment is scaled for kids about four or so and up. Very very busy kids. They had two 'handlers' working the party doing games, events and directing play - but they had no problem with me stepping out of my shoes and supervising. Which I did, because - kid, behavioral issues lately, okay - I'm Right There if he does something. No, yelling across the room isn't going to cut it, don't ask me.
It was serious fun. I think I'm going to have to talk to them about food choices because what was brought in wasn't what I would do - and our timeslot is at 4:00 PM, which would imply something more substantial than the cake I was thinking about. They also have a market right next door, so I could consider individual ice creams as well. I think it's a Vons, come to think of it. The cake was nasty - that's coming from somewhere else, no danger.
Imagine punching bags not being used as punching bags, but as something a kid can run up and hug with both arms and legs and swiiiiiing on. (This is painfully cute to watch, mind.) Ziplines. Trampolines. Monkey bars. Rock climbing walls.
My kid did great - with a lot of supervision. Suffice it to say he got a lot of reinforment on what I expect my kid to do. I say it once, I step in on the second. He got the message quick.
And then it happened.
Party was just about over, too. My kid is sitting up front with the bulk of the party, wishing the birthday boy one more round of happy birthday...and there is this padded barrel object three kids are still playing with at the back of the crowd. Or, more precisely - trying to play with.
One inside, two outside facing each other over the top - equally matched boy and girl with equally valid claims to the toy, squawking loudly. Handlers are tied up with the group my kid is in, and he's right on task and fine.
Then the boy pulled back and punched the girl in the face. Perfectly. I couldn't have asked for better form from someone fifteen years older. The girl turns and looks at me with something I can barely describe...and I thought maybe for a few seconds to let it go. Maybe a few.
Nope. Some things, you can't just let go.
She's already heading for parents. I scoot the others out of the object, set it in the corner and turn back to the boy, tapping him on the shoulder. 'Parents. Now.'
He looks at me over his shoulder and scoots further into the crowd. ...oh no you don't.... I take him by the hand, he goes boneless...that's when he gets picked up under the arms and frog-marched to his father who gets a terse 'Fist to the face. Here.'
I then return to go check on my kid, because you know - my kid. He's fine.
But I hear the dulcet tones of the father - 'I can't believe he did that. I don't know wh-' And I tune it out. I'm almost sorry for the kid, because once his father stops trying to justify what happened to the father of the girl...he gets to figure it out, and nobody is even questioning that something about it was less than than Wrong. I mean, I tried to make small talk with those parents - the ones bunched up behind the gates not doing anything but 'watching the kids play,' and I think I might have as much in common with them as I have with a box of rocks.
These are, for the most part, trophy kids. They attend private schools, take music and martial arts lessons and live in gated communities if they don't live in a multi-million dollar house that has no yard and play at the beach if they go outside. Ever. And probably live next to neighbors who consider their dogs a better idea than having kids. And the kids are expected to be mindful of that. Dogs are better behaved, after all.
The parent who is easily ten to twenty years older than them is the one actually playing with their child, too. I'm still processing this. Did I do enough? Did I do too much?
But if I wanted any kind of measure to see where my kid fell on the 'wow, we'd better watch out for something scary' - there it was.
After all that park time, kid went to sleep half an hour early with no complaints. I kept pinching myself, because - it worked. I actually did something to make the schedule work (it took all day and nothing else got done) but it all came together. SHOCK. I kept thinking I'd forgotten something, everything went right like clockwork.
And I'm now looking forward to this party. Some of the folks I'm asking to come in from out of town are going to just DIG it.
DAYIM skippy!
I would have to describe our parenting style right now as hyper-vigilant, because who wants to have a kid who won't listen, is over aggressive and thinks your demands for appropriate behavior are a joke? Right. None of it is that blatant - believe me, if it were, it would be serious couch time and it's not - but. With such a sweet tempered kid? You see the naughty boy very easily when he shows up.
And to his credit, kid is responding well to the additional expectations. Like anyone, he enjoys being entertained more than having to work (even at something entertaining), but with a little encouragement, he can make do playing with things instead of playing videogames either on the wii or the DS.
(I still find it amusing as hell that out of all the things you can do at a park, cleaning off the equipment gets the most time and effort. Yup, Mr. 10 out of 10 Neat points, that's him.)
Saturday, I donated blood for the first time in forever - and wouldn't you know, I'd get a painful stick right when I needed to be able to use that arm a whole lot? And then, right on schedule - I'm a girl, yup! So Saturday was a lot of woozy and fail - after we went to the school-sponsored car wash, we got lunch, naps and house time.
Sunday was a birthday party. Scheduled at 1:00 PM. This is going to be tough, but I'm going to make it work.
See, that hour of the day? My kid usually is sleeping. No, we are nowhere near ready to get rid of that nap. And definitely not going to challenge it going into a social situation right now. So. What to do?
You get up, get kid his breakfast and head to the park at 7:30 AM, that's what you do. You do that until you stop long enough to go to the market for lunch things and head to another park to eat said lunch and piddle around until you pack up kid in the car and drive the 405 until he falls asleep from said park time and food coma...and this time, that plan worked.
Kid was asleep at 11:30, down for the count until I woke him up at 1:00. We got underway and while it was closer to 1:30 when we got there, this was about as good as I was going to get. My kid has had food, a nap and is ready to be a very good guest. Let's party.
He's going to have his own birthday party at this same place in less than a month, so I made some mental notes. 'OMG, this is going to be so much fun' is the first one.
It's a gym - for little kids. I don't think they could do kids older than 10 or so - the equipment is scaled for kids about four or so and up. Very very busy kids. They had two 'handlers' working the party doing games, events and directing play - but they had no problem with me stepping out of my shoes and supervising. Which I did, because - kid, behavioral issues lately, okay - I'm Right There if he does something. No, yelling across the room isn't going to cut it, don't ask me.
It was serious fun. I think I'm going to have to talk to them about food choices because what was brought in wasn't what I would do - and our timeslot is at 4:00 PM, which would imply something more substantial than the cake I was thinking about. They also have a market right next door, so I could consider individual ice creams as well. I think it's a Vons, come to think of it. The cake was nasty - that's coming from somewhere else, no danger.
Imagine punching bags not being used as punching bags, but as something a kid can run up and hug with both arms and legs and swiiiiiing on. (This is painfully cute to watch, mind.) Ziplines. Trampolines. Monkey bars. Rock climbing walls.
My kid did great - with a lot of supervision. Suffice it to say he got a lot of reinforment on what I expect my kid to do. I say it once, I step in on the second. He got the message quick.
And then it happened.
Party was just about over, too. My kid is sitting up front with the bulk of the party, wishing the birthday boy one more round of happy birthday...and there is this padded barrel object three kids are still playing with at the back of the crowd. Or, more precisely - trying to play with.
One inside, two outside facing each other over the top - equally matched boy and girl with equally valid claims to the toy, squawking loudly. Handlers are tied up with the group my kid is in, and he's right on task and fine.
Then the boy pulled back and punched the girl in the face. Perfectly. I couldn't have asked for better form from someone fifteen years older. The girl turns and looks at me with something I can barely describe...and I thought maybe for a few seconds to let it go. Maybe a few.
Nope. Some things, you can't just let go.
She's already heading for parents. I scoot the others out of the object, set it in the corner and turn back to the boy, tapping him on the shoulder. 'Parents. Now.'
He looks at me over his shoulder and scoots further into the crowd. ...oh no you don't.... I take him by the hand, he goes boneless...that's when he gets picked up under the arms and frog-marched to his father who gets a terse 'Fist to the face. Here.'
I then return to go check on my kid, because you know - my kid. He's fine.
But I hear the dulcet tones of the father - 'I can't believe he did that. I don't know wh-' And I tune it out. I'm almost sorry for the kid, because once his father stops trying to justify what happened to the father of the girl...he gets to figure it out, and nobody is even questioning that something about it was less than than Wrong. I mean, I tried to make small talk with those parents - the ones bunched up behind the gates not doing anything but 'watching the kids play,' and I think I might have as much in common with them as I have with a box of rocks.
These are, for the most part, trophy kids. They attend private schools, take music and martial arts lessons and live in gated communities if they don't live in a multi-million dollar house that has no yard and play at the beach if they go outside. Ever. And probably live next to neighbors who consider their dogs a better idea than having kids. And the kids are expected to be mindful of that. Dogs are better behaved, after all.
The parent who is easily ten to twenty years older than them is the one actually playing with their child, too. I'm still processing this. Did I do enough? Did I do too much?
But if I wanted any kind of measure to see where my kid fell on the 'wow, we'd better watch out for something scary' - there it was.
After all that park time, kid went to sleep half an hour early with no complaints. I kept pinching myself, because - it worked. I actually did something to make the schedule work (it took all day and nothing else got done) but it all came together. SHOCK. I kept thinking I'd forgotten something, everything went right like clockwork.
And I'm now looking forward to this party. Some of the folks I'm asking to come in from out of town are going to just DIG it.
DAYIM skippy!
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no subject
Date: 2010-07-26 09:58 pm (UTC)Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but how is this justifying the kids behavior?
We had something similar happen to us about a month ago with Rose, where we were told she was hitting people while not under our supervision. It *was* a complete shock, since we never see outright hitting out of her (plenty of other bad, yes, but not violence against others). We *don't* know what happened. We talked to her about it, and we're still not sure. Getting a story out of her is a choppy thing at best.
But I don't see where "I don't know what came over him/her" is justifying anything. We addressed it as soon as we heard about it. We apologized. She received a loss of privileges. Short of never ever letting her out of our sight ever (impossible in our situation anyway) what else ARE you supposed to say to the wronged party?
Help me out here, because I'm not so good with the whole gobsmcked out of nowhere thing :P
no subject
Date: 2010-07-26 10:39 pm (UTC)The kid is one thing. The parent who is embarassed by his perfect little trophy kid is another.
Yup. He'd done this before. And I said, that kid knew how to punch. He was GOOD at it. Pretty scary to see in a five year old.
Denying the issues is going to raise one hell of a dangerous kid, neh?
And our kid? We see what others saw. It's consistent across the board, so we're all on the same page. (That's good, right?) The why of it? This age group doesn't remember well - and motivations are very fleeting. Rose's accounting sounds pretty typical.
Did I do enough. Did I do too much.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-26 11:55 pm (UTC)My parents were embarrassed as hell about a lot of things I did when I was younger, because they thought they'd taught me better; I had many a party at gym facilities like that, and many a chance for me to mortify my parents, heh. But I'd hardly call myself a trophy kid, and I definitely don't live in a neighborhood worth millions of dollars.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-27 05:08 pm (UTC)(God, I wish you were at my elbow for some of this. It's sheer upfuckery you can hardly believe without spewing.)
Keep in mind I worked in this neighborhood for nine years, and visit it daily for kid's preschool.
These are kids largely born of parents in their late thirties, mid forties...people who wouldn't dream of interrupting their extended childhoods to mess with kids and are almost out of time to have any at all - but they got one when they wanted it, just like everything else. (The amount of chatter about AR is amazing, but who is actually playing with the kids? Right. I'm better about keeping my jaw from hitting the floor and staying there, but it's getting harder all the time.) Nobody is having kids by accident here - this is all very intentional.
If they aren't talking about getting/having that one perfect kid - it's about getting that one perfect house, one perfect car, one - stock portfolio, vacation house, lalalalamppost - you never hear about someone needing a job, paying for any of this or that. And none of the Moms work - the horror! (Lots of trust fund kids having kids here, mind. Working is what other people do, yanno.)
Lots of classes, nannies, summer camps...all the very best money can buy.
They wouldn't think of their kids as trophies - but after one too many perfectly turned out facades, I haven't got another term without using more words.
To say this was the only embarassing moment as well would be untrue - this was that 'everything goes into slow motion OMG' moment you almost reach for the 911 phone for. Scary as hell to see in a five year old, particularly when you've been dealing with aggression issues in your own home for weeks.
I'm disgusted with people who have kids and forget they're actually young higher-level primates who need parenting after they've foisted their young onto other people who have no real reason to give a blank except for a paycheck (and that's legitimate) - and the kids develop exactly like kids who grow up in institutional care do.
I just. Yanno.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-26 10:23 pm (UTC)Had I or my sister pulled that stunt in anything but self-defense - I can't even tell you what Mom would've done. Probably snatched us up by the hair and landed us in bed on our fronts for being unable to lay on our sore backsides.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-26 10:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-26 11:04 pm (UTC)The next two things you say are to the child. First, "Apologize, now."
And then after apology is given, "We are leaving."
There is no need to stand back and feel bad, sad, or confused. Kid hit, kid loses privileges. I find my parent peers badly damaged by TV. These are not characters for you to analyze, these are your charges. You have to show them that actions have consequences or you'll be saying to the police, "I can't believe he did that."
As my aunt often did.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-27 05:17 pm (UTC)(No, we don't do guns or any other weapons, either. Not below the age of reason - you have to have an understanding of that. It's big kid stuff.)
One, my first statement would be something along the lines of 'Is he/she okay? (And give appropriate care if not)' and then 'That was AWFUL.'
My kid would apologize only after he was very clear on WHY he was doing so, because that would be why we were leaving and it would be the last thing he got to do.
Can't believe it. No - not very here.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-27 09:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-27 05:18 pm (UTC)