Attention whoring!

[kyburg]

God, I really hate not having control over my moods. Scare me enough, piss me off enough and I still cry like a little kid.

And don't return calls? Any other time, it wouldn't be an issue. Today?

This morning, all I got was voicemail. And my imagination filled in the blanks.

And I did horrible things to my siblings - in my head, of course. When I finally got a hold of Mom, asked the questions I needed answers to and found out what I wanted to know, *poof.* And felt colossally stupid. Hey, they've had more contact with Mom in the last few days - and I haven't been back there since last Tuesday. And how dare they NOT return my calls - *huff huff huuurrrrrr*

I'm such an idiot.

They haven't finished staging the cancer or grading it. They need two imaging reports and then they'll finish the diagnosis.

Mom has the most common form - 90% of the cases are her type, Transitional Cell Carcinoma and the current estimate is a T2/3, which means one of those five sites they removed had grown in the muscular wall of the bladder - and possibly out the other side. Should that have happened, then we have something that I will refer to as cancer with a big C - because then it's not restricted to the bladder and could really impact everything, and yeah - could kill her.

So I guess hindering access to information might make me a little upset.

They're doing one of the imaging tests tomorrow - the other one hasn't got a space open for two weeks. I've told her if she wants to do it sooner, I'll make it happen. The one that has a two week wait is one Jim does routinely at work. Ya think I might be able to swing a favor? Ya think?

I'm just getting warmed up.

Talking to my partner in crime at work, I brought him into the loop and asked him to keep an eye on me. If something should slip or I space out on something because of this - well, it would be understandable, but not good.

This is my onliest parent - my grandparents were all gone before I was out of my teens, and I only had one grandparent after age 7 at that. My uncles and aunts are gone, except for an ancient pair who I expect Mom to outlive, even given the circumstances. The fact she's older than they are doesn't help. They might as well be ninety. Very frail, sick old people.

Okay, that's depressing enough.

The coworker they transported yesterday is back to work today, just fine. *whew*

And so far, so good on the other fronts. I've scheduled our home visit with the DCFS Social Worker for September 7th - and then there are individual interviews we have to go through. I have to complete the last bit of the application paperwork and get that in, and oh yeah, get a TB test done.

The beat goes on.

Oh, and for the record?

This cancer is one of the first that was determined to have an outside cause due to industrialization. Smoking and exposure to the old aniline dyes. Smoking, or second-hand exposure. Period.

So if you smoke, quit. And if you ever smoked, get a pee test once a year at your annual physical. Your risk does not appreciably reduce, even if you do quit.

It's the first thing I ask every year for Christmas - if you smoke, quit for me. I don't care if you have to quit four years in a row and make it on the fifth. Please quit smoking for me. Pweeeze?

And the guys get this three times more often than the gals. Yup.

Mom's had this a long time, and it wasn't found - even when the kidney function started heading south. *shakes head*

I did tell you I could talk about anything, didn't I?

Ghad, I need something else to talk about.

Comments

[evilshell.livejournal.com]

You guys are in my thoughts.

As for the smoking - I'm going to give that to myself as my birthday present. It might take a while, I'm mentally preparing myself to do it. (I learned the hard way that if you quit when you've not prepared yourself or quit for someone else, you eventually take it back up again - I did just that after about 4 or so years of non-smoking....)

[ecstaticlght.livejournal.com]

*grin* *passes you some of my cyber ritalin* You may think you are driving them all crazy with your calls, but I'd be willing to bet your calls may be what actually gets someone to get things done more often than not. This is important, of course you want to be in the loop at all times.

Not trying to be nosey, but given where I work for my roof and food... are you going to foster parent or adopt or work your way from one to transition to the other? I work in a therapeutic foster care agency. Good luck on the Home Study! You'll do fine.

[dansa.livejournal.com]

I'm quitting smoking, starting today.

[vertamae.livejournal.com]

Both my parents smoked like chimneys, both died of cancer, my mom at age 52, my father at age 64, so I can relate.

My thoughts are with you. It's going to get worse, no doubt, and I'm sorry for that.

[lysana.livejournal.com]

My father's father died of bladder cancer. Smoked like a damn chimney. I have one sweetie who smokes, and I wish to the gods she didn't, but there's fuck-all I can do to convince her.

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I not got much to say but I'm listening and sending all good thoughts your way..

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

Hang in there, babe. And maybe buy somebody a cellphone as point-of-contact so they're reachable; my mom rented a cell when her Dad was in the hospital so she could be the main contact person and take the burden off of her mom.

You may want to let the social worker folks know that you're under a wee tad of stress right now, or have Jim quietly mention it while you're out of the room during the home visit. Not as an excuse or anything, just to be honest. And I know you hold up well under stress, but now the social worker will too.

Sorry I haven't managed to give you that Christmas-present yet. Really. I let myself slide because this illness has taken away so many other pleasures and coping mechanisms. I'm down to social-smoker now, and someday I'll figure out a way to make my sweetie quit, too, which will enable both of us to quit.

And I highly recommend beating up pillows and maybe some upholstery and rugs. Cleans the house and makes you feel a bit better.

Something else to talk about -

[murphymom.livejournal.com]

I deja-googled myself last night in alt.adoption.searching, and discovered that you and I had actually exchanged posts way back in 1998 (or '99) - and here I thought we only knew each other through LJ and because of Barry Manilow...you should have seen me do a double take awhen I realized I was looking at kyburg but wasn't in LJ.

[tacohime.livejournal.com]

I send you an internet hug for now, as it's the first thing that I think I can do.

*hug*

I'll pray for your mama.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

You have to be licensed to foster, to adopt - I don't think we're going to be foster parents per ce, but I'm almost certain any kid we find through this process will have been in foster care prior to meeting us.

Thanks!

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I'm trying to keep this from really getting in the way of other things - people "dealing with stress" are often seen as damaged, and I don't think they'd give me much room when it came to the whole process. It's not fair, but there you go.

Everyone has the cell phones already - it's just they weren't answering them! Grr.

Re: Something else to talk about -

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

You're kidding - you got a link?

Holy cow.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I just hope the suck stays at a bearable level, yanno?

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

You rock. I can keep reminding you of why that's a fab idea - but I'm just glad to see you back. Missed you!

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Thanks - hope all is going better in your corner, too. What a year!

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

*nods* What can you do -

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

And you're a sweetie - thanks.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Thanks - for both.

Took a huge nap after dinner, and I think it helped - but not when I need to get work around the house done!

Ah, well. Bother.

[filkerdave.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[joggingguy.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about your mom *hugs*

The co-worker was ok, huh? Cool.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

How's your lady? I keep thinking of her every time I see mochi because it would be a great goodie for her -

Re: Something else to talk about -

[murphymom.livejournal.com]

I'm serious - you were using rocketmail and I was using a csuhayward address...I'd link, but that seems to be beyond my expertise. (Or maybe if I had a newsreader other than deja-google...) But go to alt.adoption searching and search for "Half an adoption", and that should bring it up - there are only 4 articles in the thread, and mine's the last one. (And, is it ever full of typos - I never did learn how to edit in PINE.)(Your post was dated 11/15/1998.)

Re: Something else to talk about -

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Heh, at 38 somebody said I should get a dog.

Well, I had the dog. Bah.