One more time - if there ever was a first time...I can't remember.

[kyburg]

Hi -

I'm not going to stand on my tip toes to get your attention.

I'm not going to beg you to pay attention to me. Or answer my questions.

Or confront you. Not out here, anyway. Wouldn't be cool.

But it doesn't mean my feelings can't be hurt. I do have them, though right now they're a major inconvenience.

And if you choose to ignore me, filter me or "forget" I said anything or asked the question, it feels like I've been lied to.

You know how much I hate lies and liars.

It hurts just as much now as it did in high school, and feels just as juvenile.

If I'm a pain in the ass, please tell me so. If you want me to fuck off and die, that's honest - at least.

Tell me the truth - tell me something - communicate, fer crissakes.

That's what friends do - and I'd have you for a friend.

And damn if it isn't this reason alone I have so few female friends. I just don't play games of emotional hide-and-seek very well.

*changes channels*

I remember how many people shunned me in high school because they were Sis' friends - and I was the bane of her existence, and hence, not to be seen with. Those scars go deep - to the bone. I'm over-reacting - to be sure. But it hurt then. It hurts now. Oh well. I learned to accept the fact I wasn't going to conform to anyone's requirements but my own, fairly early. It's lonely sometimes, but I sleep nights.

But there are days....

I desperately wanted to do something this weekend - I could have gone to Minneapolis for the state fair, had it all lined up.

Jim is working one day this weekend. Won't find which day until Friday. My money is that they're going to work him Sunday night. Yup. Right in the middle of the weekend so it's totally upfucked for both of us. Yeaaaaas.

The office is now suitable for inspection. The back bedroom has some clutter to put away, but that room is near completion. I'll have to get some catches for the drawers in the kitchen that have knives in them - and we should be ready.

I really need to pay better attention - back in the day, when I was too stressed to be creative, I bulled through it because that was what you did. There's no reason to do that now. And I'm too stressed to think about anything but what's NOT DONE YET.

Dammit, I've worked to get to this place - I did what was reasonable, didn't drag anyone with me who wasn't consenting and of adult status. I didn't go bankrupt, have kids I couldn't feed or become a criminal. I put my life on hold to handle what was going on.

It feels like that's as far as I get to go. I get to spin in the same circles, just getting older and more ridiculous by the day. Nothing more. And when I can't keep up, I'll be kicked to curb like yesterday's garbage. Hope I'm dead when that happens, because I've seen what we do to anyone who can't run with the big dogs.

Never good enough. Ever.

*sigh* How much of this is August? How much of this is worry?

I've been so angry today I couldn't even swallow, my throat was so tight. And the worst part is, if this is a reaction to a temporary situation - it won't matter if people decide I'm a ditz because things bother me right now. The ditz label will linger. (Or I'm just catastrophizing again.)

I really hate crying. It gives me a headache and I have a hard time finding a reason to stop once the tears start.

But adults cry for the same reason children do - in the hope someone will hear and come to help.

In my experience, I've run an equal risk of being ridiculed. Or just ditched outright.

Having the feelings I have right now is really inconvenient, indeed.

Comments

[fallofrain.livejournal.com]

It's also a full moon, and we being creatures made up mostly of water are pulled along with the tides.

*snug* Hope your day gets better.

[caitlin.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* offered.

Hopefully none of this was directed at me.

If either or both you and Jim want to get together for lunch, possibly out this way, let me know, k?

Take care, you.

C.

[odiedragon.livejournal.com]

*cuppa cocoa and a hug*

[dansa.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[luscious-purple.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You're going through a lot right now, hon. Take care of yourself!

[ecstaticlght.livejournal.com]

You mentioned is it August? Astronomically we've had 2 things going on that totally fubar us all emotionally, especially those of us that are the hard core water babies. Pluto went direct on Monday after being assbackwards since March. That had the Scorpio children turning in tailspins and emotional confusion, then the Mercury Retrograde (the mother of Murphy's Law periods of time)is doing it's slow grind getting ready to go forward again starting 9/9. So, my point is? Yep August has been a bitch and a half.

Does it help any to know I was plunging a toilet, chasing a lost checkbook and trying to figure out why my phone wasn't working, whilst attempting to keep 2 teen boys from having a stereophonic shouting match on either side of my head, this afternoon? I resembled an insane clown for an hour. I'm having a spoonful of chocolate icing straight out of the tub to reward myself for surviving. Would you like some?

[storvik.livejournal.com]

August also has no holidays upon which to unwind.

[ecstaticlght.livejournal.com]

Ha :) I need more than one day off of work to unwind, but I take them when I can get them, which is next Monday. yeah!!

[storvik.livejournal.com]

I used to live in RI, which still has a holiday in August (VJ Day). I need more unwind time as well.

[pagawne.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what is going on, but I can offer a cup of tea, a hug, and a shoulder if you want to take it to e-mail. (pgawne@cablespeed.com)

[lilikoica.livejournal.com]

Hi, Donna! I am sorry! I have been really busy with work. I do comment from time to time. I just feel hurried and stressed and not able to focus. I did try to get in contact with you when I went to LA a couple weeks back but your spam filter wouldn't let my message go through.

Like you, I was also shunned in high school, but not because of a sibling, but because I was really ugly, geeky smart and had very poor social skills. I understand how it feels when you try to communicate and no one responds.

Anyway, I do hope you feel better.

If it's any help at all...

[cowgrrl.livejournal.com]

It's now September 1.

[feyandstrange.livejournal.com]

Hang on, lady. It does slow down sometimes.

[shirasade]

Hope things will look up for you soon... *big hugs*

[auntiesiannan.livejournal.com]

:(

[unclemilo.livejournal.com]

That opening part sounds so much like my life.
I have had it up to HERE (and you're just going to have to imagine my hand doing the measurement above my head) with liars and people who trample on my feelings.

Of course... I'm an emotional person and it eats at me so badly that sometimes I just want to swing a large metal object with spiky bits on the end at certain people.

I send you what few happy thoughts I can your way, because I so understand that anger and frustration.

[monkeyfruit.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[lorriejharris.livejournal.com]

:(

*hugs*

[moropus.livejournal.com]

Lady, you need a hug. I know just how you feel. Right now I'm up to my ass in changes. I used to call them problems, but they really are just the way my life is coming to a complete reversal in direction. You've done a fine job so far, and I'm sure you will continue to do so. Life is scary.

Sounds like you've been working your butt off your entire life just to break even. That's rough, but its very commendable that you do that, instead of taking the easy way out.

I don't play emotional hide and seek either. I despise females who do that and it doesn't always leave me with a lot of female friends, either. Life is too short for that. Of course, it means when you're tired there's fewer people for you to turn to, but at least the friends you have, you know they mean what they say.

Hugs offered -

[murphymom.livejournal.com]

If there wasn't half a state (and a big one, at that) between us, I'd come spirit you away for fun this weekend. Sorry to be so late responding, but the Boykid had Boy Scouts last night, so I was riding herd on homework pre-meeting and post-meeting (and we're up at this ridiculous hour finishing up the remainder).

Hey, wanna borrow an 11-year-old? (Just kidding - I love the little character, even when he does flaky things.)

Hang in there - being one's own person ought to get easier as we age, but somehow, sometimes, we find ourselves right back at that vulnerable space. This, too, shall pass.

[sylvia-says.livejournal.com]

The State Fair sounds like just the thing. I'll be going myself on Sunday, in all likelihood. The inlaws will be coming up to visit from Illinois. I plan on getting lost. (just where exactly is it that you live??)

Tobie Here and Accounted for!

[trcabbage.livejournal.com]

Working my butt off to get a life.
Working my butt off to keep kids safe, happy, and feeling secure.
Working my butt off to figure out how to *live* in one bedroom/storage room.
Working my butt off to figure out how to work my butt off more!

But I'm here..need me for something?

ohhh and that point about forgetting.

[trcabbage.livejournal.com]

I don't forget on purpose but right now if I wouldn't trip over them I'd forget to pull up my pants after taking a pee break :/

Not that'd I'm currently life addled or anything....

[varna.livejournal.com]

*Hugs n love*

[jobunches.livejournal.com]

**hugs**

We are also thinking about going out to the fair on Sunday as well!

I know that I am not one to comment a lot...I however do read everything!

**hugs**

[sisterdark.livejournal.com]

Minneapolis, Minnesota? I've always wanted to go to Minnesota. Mainly because when I was 16 I fell hard for an exceptionally cute 17 year old boy who was working, and traveling with, the carnival (not your average "carnie") that came to the teensy town I lived in at the time. He was absolutely dreamy and he liked me too *sigh*. He was from somewhere in Minnesota. He even called me after they got off the road several times and gave me his address so I could write to him. Alas, the next year that he came with the carnival was my senior year in high school, and he came bearing pictures of the child he'd fathered during the previous year so we grew apart.

Anyway, sorry to just run off at the mouth there :) I hope your weekend is spent doing something fun and I hope you feel better, I hate to cry too. *hugs*