kyburg | One more time - if there ever was a first time...I can't remember.

Hi -

I'm not going to stand on my tip toes to get your attention.

I'm not going to beg you to pay attention to me. Or answer my questions.

Or confront you. Not out here, anyway. Wouldn't be cool.

But it doesn't mean my feelings can't be hurt. I do have them, though right now they're a major inconvenience.

And if you choose to ignore me, filter me or "forget" I said anything or asked the question, it feels like I've been lied to.

You know how much I hate lies and liars.

It hurts just as much now as it did in high school, and feels just as juvenile.

If I'm a pain in the ass, please tell me so. If you want me to fuck off and die, that's honest - at least.

Tell me the truth - tell me something - communicate, fer crissakes.

That's what friends do - and I'd have you for a friend.

And damn if it isn't this reason alone I have so few female friends. I just don't play games of emotional hide-and-seek very well.

*changes channels*

I remember how many people shunned me in high school because they were Sis' friends - and I was the bane of her existence, and hence, not to be seen with. Those scars go deep - to the bone. I'm over-reacting - to be sure. But it hurt then. It hurts now. Oh well. I learned to accept the fact I wasn't going to conform to anyone's requirements but my own, fairly early. It's lonely sometimes, but I sleep nights.

But there are days....

I desperately wanted to do something this weekend - I could have gone to Minneapolis for the state fair, had it all lined up.

Jim is working one day this weekend. Won't find which day until Friday. My money is that they're going to work him Sunday night. Yup. Right in the middle of the weekend so it's totally upfucked for both of us. Yeaaaaas.

The office is now suitable for inspection. The back bedroom has some clutter to put away, but that room is near completion. I'll have to get some catches for the drawers in the kitchen that have knives in them - and we should be ready.

I really need to pay better attention - back in the day, when I was too stressed to be creative, I bulled through it because that was what you did. There's no reason to do that now. And I'm too stressed to think about anything but what's NOT DONE YET.

Dammit, I've worked to get to this place - I did what was reasonable, didn't drag anyone with me who wasn't consenting and of adult status. I didn't go bankrupt, have kids I couldn't feed or become a criminal. I put my life on hold to handle what was going on.

It feels like that's as far as I get to go. I get to spin in the same circles, just getting older and more ridiculous by the day. Nothing more. And when I can't keep up, I'll be kicked to curb like yesterday's garbage. Hope I'm dead when that happens, because I've seen what we do to anyone who can't run with the big dogs.

Never good enough. Ever.

*sigh* How much of this is August? How much of this is worry?

I've been so angry today I couldn't even swallow, my throat was so tight. And the worst part is, if this is a reaction to a temporary situation - it won't matter if people decide I'm a ditz because things bother me right now. The ditz label will linger. (Or I'm just catastrophizing again.)

I really hate crying. It gives me a headache and I have a hard time finding a reason to stop once the tears start.

But adults cry for the same reason children do - in the hope someone will hear and come to help.

In my experience, I've run an equal risk of being ridiculed. Or just ditched outright.

Having the feelings I have right now is really inconvenient, indeed.