Messages of self-help - and experience -

[kyburg]

We've all come up against these people, and have been totally confounded with their "my leader can do no wrong" attitude. They believe outrageous lies, and forgive all manner of sins. Democratic strategists keep trying to run campaigns that will reach these people on the basis of evidence and fact -- and are perplexed to find their attempts at education totally rebuffed. George Bush may have lied us into a war, wrecked our economy, saddled our great-grandchildren with debt, savaged the poor, and alienated the entire world; but he is Our Leader, and we will always take his word over anyone else's. We do not accept you as a legitimate authority. We don't care what you have to say, because you have no standing at all in our little world.

Mere political or cultural betrayal, no matter how destructive, does not cut through this piece of the wall. The guilt-evaporation process applies to both followers and leaders: you must forgive all wrongs committed by someone inside the fold. Our leader didn't lie; he was misunderstood, his words distorted by our enemies. Besides, he would never lie to us. Besides, he is just following orders -- or God's will, which is beyond our understanding. Besides, our own forgiveness depends on our ability to forgive, and so we will -- never mind the contradictions.

And yet, even so: There is one -- and only one -- sin so heinous that it cannot be rationalized away by the authoritarian thought process. It is this: the leader's main job is to protect his abused and terrified horde from personal harm (or, for that matter, any sudden negative change to their immediate status quo). A leader who wantonly allows one of his followers to intimately experience such harm breaks that contract. It is in that moment of betrayal that some followers come to their senses, and start looking for a reckoning.

It's important to note: the betrayal must be an intensely personal breach that has a deep, immediate, life-changing impact on the individual follower. Fundies don't think in abstracts. Big national debts, epic political prevarications, and other people's suffering (even on a global scale) do not impress them. But there are plenty of authoritarian parents across the country who proudly sent a son or daughter off to war -- and later received that precious child home under cover of darkness, in a wooden box, with minimal explanation. That's the kind of personal and profound loss I'm talking about. For many of these patriotic parents, it was also the searing moment of deep betrayal that broke the spell and shoved them off in the direction of the Wall.

Among fundies, the most common perpetrators of these betrayals are parents -- particularly fathers -- and pastors. As the most intimate authorities in their followers' lives, they're at close enough range to inflict the kind of high-impact personal damage that's necessary to create the first crack. Many of the ex-fundies I know made their break in the aftermath of sexual abuse, ruinous financial treachery, public humiliation, or power grabs that threatened their marriages or children. They saw, in devastatingly vivid color, what their leaders were capable of. Their endless loyalty was shattered, because they realized it was not being returned in kind.

You want to know, you need to ask. You also need to listen, completely and silently.

Then offer your hand. Don't be surprised when it's slapped away, but offer it again - and again - as long as necessary.

These are good people. I've just gotten infuriated far too often when they get used like toliet paper. People deserve better.

Comments

a lot to digest....

[n6vfp.livejournal.com]

The blog post is heavy reading, but at first glance is valuable reading. Thanks for pointing this post out. Something to read and re-read tonight.

[neintales.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the link, that was a very good read.

I've had good friends who were from very fundie backgrounds. And a lot of people were cruel instead of supportive when they were still trying to figure out the world outside the box they were raised in. Pissed me off to no end.

[moropus.livejournal.com]

I'm an escapee. I first noticed that the 'heathens' at work were treating me better than the 'Christians' I had been raised around all my life. Not that the guys at work were making a special project out of me, but that they were just nice people. The fundies had no answer, just more rules. My parents had no answer. I just wanted people to be nice to me and take me as I was. People were doing this for the first time ever. I went over the wall. This was the beginning of a break with my parents that lasted 9 years, until a brother patched the family up. I had been brainwashed so bad that when I finally told my dad off, I was afraid I'd be struck dead.I've been escaped about 20 years, want to try a church and literally can't do it.

[bigbigtruck.livejournal.com]

This is a big part of why I have not been to church since 2002. Both issues with the church services, and my own objections to the hatefulness and short-sightedness that plagues popular American Christianity. ("LOL LETS BOMB THE MIDDLE EAST AND MAEK JESUS COME BACK OK")

This sounds rather morbid, but... I wonder, after Fred Phelps dies, what will become of his family? Will they have the resources for psychological rehabilitation?

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Will there be any resources left to treat anyone? What with the notion that nobody needs it, of course - da losers!

Finding a church home is a tall order for the two of us; everyone is fine and welcoming getting us in the door. It's the crap I'm expected to do to STAY inside the door that pisses me off. (Shun the unbeliever, primarily. HUH? Who's that, and who made you Boss?)

[http://users.livejournal.com/little_e_/]

I've heard the Quakers and the Unitarians are pretty good about not being stupid when it comes to churchiness.

[http://users.livejournal.com/little_e_/]

Unfortunately, the betrayal of the supposed-to-be-protected often has very little effect on the other members of the group--rather than realize that one of them was betrayed, they rationalize it away as that the hurt person actually betrayed them in some manner, and so deserved what occured...