Nasty Gram

[kyburg]

Well, I just got a letter in the mail yesterday from the adoption agency.

Seems the China program is making changes.

Highlights?

You must be between 30 and 50.
If you are in your second marriage, you must have been married for five years. If you've been married more than four times, you're out.
BMI index under 30
Net worth over $80,000.

I may need to revise my health records - my weight back in June was damn close to that BMI index ceiling. Now - pffft. Jim's safe - but dayim if that wouldn't knock out most if not all of the people I was in orientation with.

I think we meet the net worth thingie - I need to check. Most of it is equity in the house, of course.

And the wait from dossier submission is now up to two years.

*clears throat*

I'm 46. We're talking parenthood just shy of 50. For the first one. And I don't believe only children are optimal.

So - I just got off the phone with the agency.

If they'll allow it, we're going to start the second one from Taiwan after the first of the year - and Jim could have his boy by the end of the year, or near to.

I have relatives who lived into their nineties - vibrant, active nineties - 50 is not on the way down yet. And I have every reason to believe I'm going to be one of them - short of a catastrophic illness or an accident. Jim's grandfather is still alive, in his late nineties (Jim's almost 43 himself.)

Talk to me about TTC. G'ahead. I'm beginning to think spending the time and effort in that wouldn't be wasted - look at how much time and effort I've put into adopting, for crying out loud!

The worst part? That little voice that keeps saying "Get ready. It ain't gonna happen. You get to watch everyone around you have families of their own - but you won't get to. Not for you. All gone. Not enough for you. Too bad. Sorry. What a shame."

And I don't know anyone who's ever tried to have kids and failed, and then failed trying to adopt as well. Me? I could give it a go - there's still time for me to do it myself, if I want to spend the time and effort.

I swear. Whatever anyone else takes for granted, I have to finage, wrangle and beg for. WAIT for.

And then, when it's my turn? Sorry. Fresh out. None for you.

They just keep moving the friggin' bar.

I just want to be someone's Mom, instead of it being some kind of joke. (Everyone calls me "Mom" - the chief of security here at work calls me Mom - all 6' and 275 lbs of him.)

Some. Kind. Of . Joke.

We couldn't have started any earlier. We wouldn't have made the marriage length test. (Just had our fifth anniversary in November.)

*sigh*

Me and my self-esteem are going to have a little pity party in the corner here, kthxbye.

Comments

[cecerose.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry. That sucks. =0(

[histoire68.livejournal.com]

You have GOT to be kidding. Fat people are unfit parents, now?!

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

Some countries have a BMI requirement - it's not the agency's fault. Though I didn't think China had one.

[poetpaladin.livejournal.com]

You deserve to have children. I wish you the best of luck.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Proof positive that you just don't get what you deserve in this life, hon. Proof positive.

[reannon.livejournal.com]

Can I ask a silly question? Why does it have to be China? I know you wanted to adopt a Chinese child, they have plenty of orphans to spare... but if they're going to put all these ridiculous restrictions on you, why not switch your efforts to adopting an American child? Or is that even harder?

Regardless, I'm sorry they're putting you through all this. Adoption should be EASY, dammit! Kids need homes!

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

all foreign adoption programs have these requirements - China's are actually easier than many. Though I'd suggest India as purportedly being easier/cheaper.

American children are usually only available when they're older and have been through the foster system wringer for awhile. They've got serious issues - abuse, drug effects, etc.

[djdig.livejournal.com]

And I don't know anyone who's ever tried to have kids and failed, and then failed trying to adopt as well.

Sadly, that is my Aunt and Uncle's story. They're wondeful people who always wanted children but had infertility issues. Adoption never worked out either because the system sux, as you're well aware.

My eyes well up whenever I read these posts on adoption from you because I remember what my aunt and uncle went through.

My prayers are with you because you and Jim would be WONDERFUL parents!

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

If your aunt and uncle ever found a support group for people in our position, I'd love to hear about it.

The shame of it all - real, honest shame - is just incredible. And so unexpected. That's the worst part.

I'd just like to know what I did to deserve this.

[luscious-purple.livejournal.com]

$80K net worth?? So that they can suck the cash out of you?? I thought it was *illegal* to *sell* human beings.

*gentle hugs to you*

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

In theory it's so they know the children will be provided for. In reality, the adoption programs costs around $20,000...

[spydielives.livejournal.com]

Many *hugs* to you.

I really hope this all works out for you, but have you considered... while you are waiting... to get work as foster parents? There are so many needy kids that could use the kind of love that you are clearly expressing.

Even if they are not yours to necessarily keep forever, right now, you could make such a difference in their lives.

[I bring this up only because my grandmother was one of the pioneers in foster care in Maine, and took in over the course of her life, more than 70 children. A great number of them, their wives, children, grandchildren even, attended her funeral. I grew up knowing them all as "cousins."]

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

It's really not the same.

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel - we've been looking at China too. WTF is up with these programs? How does it really take a year or more to do some simple frikkin paperwork and background checks? While children and prospective parents languish? And where do they get off w/all these judgments?

I suggest checking out India if you haven't got your heart set on China. I've been giving India thought, myself.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

India doesn't do many international adoptions - at least, not that I've found:

"Note: Due to popular opposition to the adoption of Indian children by foreigners, there have been reports that non-resident Indian applicants are being given preference in intercountry placements.

Map of India Except for adoption by Hindus, Indian law has no provision for adoption. Children are placed under guardianship of adopting parents to exit the country, and adoption must take place in the parents' home country. In 2004, U.S. citizens adopted approximately 406 children from India. Infants, young children, and special needs children are available for adoption, as well as some sibling groups. The children reside in orphanages."

By comparison, China places over 5,000 children a year in international adoption.

[jrittenhouse.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we heard that too.

We were going to go for #2 - and then Meredith Ellen intervened, and Mere's pricey schooling didn't help. We dropped the idea of #2, as it's screamingly obvious that Mere has a sister (two, if you count Ally, which Mere sure does) - just that those sisters don't live with her.

And we realized that Mere's needs for herself and our available resources really wouldn't stretch well for a second kid at the time.

I will turn 50 in February; Susan is 43. I've been divorced once, but we've been married for over ten years, so that's not the issue. But neither one of us would deal with the BMI index.

(Note: A lot of people we have encountered in the adoption community are overweight; my guess is that PCOS / hormonal stuff is a big factor in infertility issues.)

So China would be out for us, even if we wanted #2. But we've given up on #2, so it's not an issue.

Mer's mom (the other Meredith) is a social worker for a international adoption consulting outfit in Alabama, and she says that the best other program for international adoption these days is in Guatemala. If you want her contact information, I'd be glad to pass it on.

Courage...your kid will be out there, waiting for you when the time comes.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Our agency does a Guatemala program - but culturally, I don't think it would be a great fit. I'd feel sorry for the kid having to deal with such Asian parents (and white bread at the same time).

I think I'd feel better if I had a handle on at least ONE kid right now. I've been working actively on adoption since I was 42; I've been waiting to start my family since my early twenties.

I'm tired. Really really tired. And I feel like I just keep jumping hurdles for nothing.

[k-diddy.livejournal.com]

I just want to be someone's Mom, instead of it being some kind of joke.

My heart is breaking...

I mean, I would totally rent out space in my womb to you two. For serious.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Be careful what you wish for - *chuckles and tucks it away for future reference.*

[redqueenofevil.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Don't give up just yet. We're all cheering for you.

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

Dammit.. the world is full of lost, needy children wanting a home and parents, and so many loving parents wanting a child and the red tape and the rules and the "thou shalt nots" don't benefit *anybody*

*tight hugs and many heartfelt petitions to the universe to give you a break for once*

[odiedragon.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I suddenly don't find the whole foreign adoption thing noble anymore.

A BMI requirement??? Now when I hear about someone adopting a child from another country, all I'm going to think is "Well hooray for you and your tiny ass."

How fucking sad.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Fat people aren't healthy people. That's been the mantra for some time....

[apositivevoice.livejournal.com]

On my way back from NYC - I missed my flight (the last one to LAX out of new york from any of the 3 airports are all at 6pm ftw) so I had to take the first flight out yesterday am and on the 4:30 am 15 passenger shuttle there were 3 sets of parents (none of them knew eachother) that were all adopting from overseas one had just come back from Russia with their new daughter (so adorable), one set had just come back from meeting their daughter for the first time which means they'll be heading back at least once more to take her home and one couple that just started the process and has a 15 month wait. I think they all used different agencies, but it was just so random that 6 out of the 12 people in the van were doing the adoption thing, it really made me think of you and Jim. I do hope that everything does work out and soon!

See you x-mas eve... what can I bring?

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Your happy self and your favorite cookies - that will be plenty!

[vigilante024.livejournal.com]

yanno, i find you to be very similar to my mom.

so i'm very confident you would be a wonderful mother.

if these restrictions were there when my parents were adopting, i would not have the wonderful and loving family i have now. and it makes me sad to think that so many kids and adults aren't able to be a family.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

There's twice as many people on the face of the earth today, than there were when I was born.

And I can't connect with a single one of them. THAT'S depressing.

Don't quit just yet...

[marmot63.livejournal.com]

You might want to check with other agencies. I think your agency is making their own requirements on the BMI. I'd check with Harrah Family Services (our preferred agency). Also, Great Wall.

If you're not on the APC Yahoo group, you might want to join. Information flies fast and furious about this stuff.

I've heard from two different sources that the following are the new requirements:

Ok folks - here they are - the new rules from CCAA .... for those of us who are single parents, December 8th will go down in history as a very sad day in China adoptions! Those singles on the verge of adopting - get those dossiers in ASAP!

New CCAA rules...
-effective May 1st 2007 the following apply:
-Married couples only.
-Age between 30-50.
-only healthy parents.
-BMI must be under 40. (BMI = Body Mass Index)
-net assets over 80,000.
-must have high school education or higher.
-no more than 5 children at home.
-effective January 1st 2007
-fee increases for adoptions.

Don't shoot the messenger!
Jane in Beijing

Dr. Jane Liedtke, CEO, Our Chinese Daughters Foundation www.ocdf.org

Re: Don't quit just yet...

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

*nods* It's entirely possible I mis-remembered the BMI number. I'm sure the agency would have called and alerted us if that we really wouldn't make the cut over it, come to think of it.

But that's still not a lot of wiggle room. Neither Sis or my niece would pass that requirement.

Our agency has good relations with the other two you mention - something tells me we'll meet up with members from both of them while in country, if we ever get there. (I'm also on a Yahoo group for our agency and sent a feeler out there over this.)

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

BMI?

What. The Fuck.

[pseudicide.livejournal.com]

It's still a lot of stress. *wishes you lots and lots of good luck*

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Shit. I'm sorry, hon.

[yasha-chan.livejournal.com]

This is so ridiculous. It's bad enough to think that every day there's kids out there that desperately need someone to love and there's no one in their lives to fill that need. To think that there's perfectly good people who want so desperately to be parents who are being denied over the most ridiculous things... just makes me angry.

It also angers me that responsibile people like you and your hubby who would make great parents can't be, while a bunch of idiots squirt out child after child and neglect or outright abuse them. Fucked. Up.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

If you want fair, they hold one in Pomona every year. Yeah.

[raspberrypie.livejournal.com]

i'm so sorry that they keep leading you on with this process. i can't believe they have all those restrictions on adoptive parents... i can see the reason for being discriminating, but meanwhile all these children don't have parents for longer because of them. i hope it comes through for you soon. *HUGS*

Don't know that I can add anything constructive

[turandot.livejournal.com]

It sucks that you did the right thing waiting to have kids until you were ready for them, and it worked out against you so far.

That said, I'm hoping things are just about to turn around.

[riverheart.livejournal.com]

That's it. We're out.
We make the net worth thing, with all of it being the equity in the house. But Charles is over 50 and on his fifth marriage. I don't think we meet the BMI qualification, either. And we definitely don't meet the length-of-marriage qualification; we're celebrating our third anniversary next month.

Four strikes. We're out.

Aw, hell.

The foster care system is all that is left to us now.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Or surrogates. Yeah.

I'm told the Vietnam program is more lenient on the age requirement, ditto Taiwan.

But China being the "easy" route? Gone, baby.

[ms-hecubus.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that this process is so difficult for you. I can't imagine being in the position you are. :(

[elizanikole.livejournal.com]

This is heartbreaking. I think you'll both make great parents.

I will keep it in my thoughts... honest. I think everyone who works this hard, should get to be a Mom. There are SO many unloved children in this world... there should be enough for people who want it this bad.


(and, thank god there was no BMI requirement when I had my children)