Nasty Gram

[kyburg]

Well, I just got a letter in the mail yesterday from the adoption agency.

Seems the China program is making changes.

Highlights?

You must be between 30 and 50.
If you are in your second marriage, you must have been married for five years. If you've been married more than four times, you're out.
BMI index under 30
Net worth over $80,000.

I may need to revise my health records - my weight back in June was damn close to that BMI index ceiling. Now - pffft. Jim's safe - but dayim if that wouldn't knock out most if not all of the people I was in orientation with.

I think we meet the net worth thingie - I need to check. Most of it is equity in the house, of course.

And the wait from dossier submission is now up to two years.

*clears throat*

I'm 46. We're talking parenthood just shy of 50. For the first one. And I don't believe only children are optimal.

So - I just got off the phone with the agency.

If they'll allow it, we're going to start the second one from Taiwan after the first of the year - and Jim could have his boy by the end of the year, or near to.

I have relatives who lived into their nineties - vibrant, active nineties - 50 is not on the way down yet. And I have every reason to believe I'm going to be one of them - short of a catastrophic illness or an accident. Jim's grandfather is still alive, in his late nineties (Jim's almost 43 himself.)

Talk to me about TTC. G'ahead. I'm beginning to think spending the time and effort in that wouldn't be wasted - look at how much time and effort I've put into adopting, for crying out loud!

The worst part? That little voice that keeps saying "Get ready. It ain't gonna happen. You get to watch everyone around you have families of their own - but you won't get to. Not for you. All gone. Not enough for you. Too bad. Sorry. What a shame."

And I don't know anyone who's ever tried to have kids and failed, and then failed trying to adopt as well. Me? I could give it a go - there's still time for me to do it myself, if I want to spend the time and effort.

I swear. Whatever anyone else takes for granted, I have to finage, wrangle and beg for. WAIT for.

And then, when it's my turn? Sorry. Fresh out. None for you.

They just keep moving the friggin' bar.

I just want to be someone's Mom, instead of it being some kind of joke. (Everyone calls me "Mom" - the chief of security here at work calls me Mom - all 6' and 275 lbs of him.)

Some. Kind. Of . Joke.

We couldn't have started any earlier. We wouldn't have made the marriage length test. (Just had our fifth anniversary in November.)

*sigh*

Me and my self-esteem are going to have a little pity party in the corner here, kthxbye.

Comments

[cecerose.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry. That sucks. =0(

[histoire68.livejournal.com]

You have GOT to be kidding. Fat people are unfit parents, now?!

[poetpaladin.livejournal.com]

You deserve to have children. I wish you the best of luck.

[reannon.livejournal.com]

Can I ask a silly question? Why does it have to be China? I know you wanted to adopt a Chinese child, they have plenty of orphans to spare... but if they're going to put all these ridiculous restrictions on you, why not switch your efforts to adopting an American child? Or is that even harder?

Regardless, I'm sorry they're putting you through all this. Adoption should be EASY, dammit! Kids need homes!

[djdig.livejournal.com]

And I don't know anyone who's ever tried to have kids and failed, and then failed trying to adopt as well.

Sadly, that is my Aunt and Uncle's story. They're wondeful people who always wanted children but had infertility issues. Adoption never worked out either because the system sux, as you're well aware.

My eyes well up whenever I read these posts on adoption from you because I remember what my aunt and uncle went through.

My prayers are with you because you and Jim would be WONDERFUL parents!

[luscious-purple.livejournal.com]

$80K net worth?? So that they can suck the cash out of you?? I thought it was *illegal* to *sell* human beings.

*gentle hugs to you*

[spydielives.livejournal.com]

Many *hugs* to you.

I really hope this all works out for you, but have you considered... while you are waiting... to get work as foster parents? There are so many needy kids that could use the kind of love that you are clearly expressing.

Even if they are not yours to necessarily keep forever, right now, you could make such a difference in their lives.

[I bring this up only because my grandmother was one of the pioneers in foster care in Maine, and took in over the course of her life, more than 70 children. A great number of them, their wives, children, grandchildren even, attended her funeral. I grew up knowing them all as "cousins."]

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

Some countries have a BMI requirement - it's not the agency's fault. Though I didn't think China had one.

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

all foreign adoption programs have these requirements - China's are actually easier than many. Though I'd suggest India as purportedly being easier/cheaper.

American children are usually only available when they're older and have been through the foster system wringer for awhile. They've got serious issues - abuse, drug effects, etc.

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

In theory it's so they know the children will be provided for. In reality, the adoption programs costs around $20,000...

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

It's really not the same.

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel - we've been looking at China too. WTF is up with these programs? How does it really take a year or more to do some simple frikkin paperwork and background checks? While children and prospective parents languish? And where do they get off w/all these judgments?

I suggest checking out India if you haven't got your heart set on China. I've been giving India thought, myself.

[luscious-purple.livejournal.com]

I could be wrong, but I think kyburg and her husband HAVE been trying for foster parenthood, and I don't know how many times they have been fingerprinted, been investigated, taken classes, yadda yadda yadda, and it still hasn't happened.

[jrittenhouse.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we heard that too.

We were going to go for #2 - and then Meredith Ellen intervened, and Mere's pricey schooling didn't help. We dropped the idea of #2, as it's screamingly obvious that Mere has a sister (two, if you count Ally, which Mere sure does) - just that those sisters don't live with her.

And we realized that Mere's needs for herself and our available resources really wouldn't stretch well for a second kid at the time.

I will turn 50 in February; Susan is 43. I've been divorced once, but we've been married for over ten years, so that's not the issue. But neither one of us would deal with the BMI index.

(Note: A lot of people we have encountered in the adoption community are overweight; my guess is that PCOS / hormonal stuff is a big factor in infertility issues.)

So China would be out for us, even if we wanted #2. But we've given up on #2, so it's not an issue.

Mer's mom (the other Meredith) is a social worker for a international adoption consulting outfit in Alabama, and she says that the best other program for international adoption these days is in Guatemala. If you want her contact information, I'd be glad to pass it on.

Courage...your kid will be out there, waiting for you when the time comes.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

It's new - and yeah.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

We spent two years with DCFS jumping through hoops - one years entirely at our own expense in therapy because we'd had so many insults as children - no other reason.

The moment they heard we were looking into other, additional adoption avenues, they closed our case. Never mind there had never been so much as an offer of a placement.

Two. Years.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Keep in mind, they want to make sure their children are well-provided for.

This is also a very good way to limit the prospectives into the pool - along with the other requirements. The demand, as you might expect, is huge.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

If you foster, you can't adopt. In our situation, we have room for two children, by law. If I were to take foster placements, we couldn't even be considered for adoptive placements - and the foreign programs won't even talk to me if I were fostering children.

You can't win.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

India doesn't do many international adoptions - at least, not that I've found:

"Note: Due to popular opposition to the adoption of Indian children by foreigners, there have been reports that non-resident Indian applicants are being given preference in intercountry placements.

Map of India Except for adoption by Hindus, Indian law has no provision for adoption. Children are placed under guardianship of adopting parents to exit the country, and adoption must take place in the parents' home country. In 2004, U.S. citizens adopted approximately 406 children from India. Infants, young children, and special needs children are available for adoption, as well as some sibling groups. The children reside in orphanages."

By comparison, China places over 5,000 children a year in international adoption.

[k-diddy.livejournal.com]

I just want to be someone's Mom, instead of it being some kind of joke.

My heart is breaking...

I mean, I would totally rent out space in my womb to you two. For serious.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Our agency does a Guatemala program - but culturally, I don't think it would be a great fit. I'd feel sorry for the kid having to deal with such Asian parents (and white bread at the same time).

I think I'd feel better if I had a handle on at least ONE kid right now. I've been working actively on adoption since I was 42; I've been waiting to start my family since my early twenties.

I'm tired. Really really tired. And I feel like I just keep jumping hurdles for nothing.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Proof positive that you just don't get what you deserve in this life, hon. Proof positive.

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

Non-resident Indians are given preference - but that doesn't mean there are enough looking to adopt to make a large difference. But I defer to your greater knowledge -

[redqueenofevil.livejournal.com]

Problem with India, is that I think their age requirements are lower. We're looking at the possibility of adopting from India, and I think the age cap is 40. I'm not sure though, so it's definitely worth a look.

[jrittenhouse.livejournal.com]

The time from dossier going over to getting The Kid has always been variable. We sent ours over about the time Mere was born, and we got her at nine months.

Your comments elsewhere on the reasons behind all this are interesting; basically, the supply is drying up (or so they say) and the demand is greater than ever. (Me, I think that politically, they would find it hard to allow out more than X number of kids a year to furriners.)

Part is being pickier, part is making sure that gays aren't adopting their kids, part is trimming away the more marginal candidates (from their perspective).