Something to think about -

[kyburg]

It's been brought to my attention by more than one person that I tend to wear my past on my sleeve.

Uh. Hmm.

If people knew how much I consciously don't talk about the years between 1984 and 1998? The first thing that comes to mind about the above complaint is "pardon me for it being such an inconvenience."

That's snippy. But holy chrome.

One could say I've lived a charmed life, sure - just the wrong kind of charm.

More than one or two of the grand events have had a lot to do with the delays on a number of milestones. No retirement plan, outside of buying a gun and plugging myself if I got a really REALLY bad reason to stop working suddenly. No children. No grand career writing stuff.

Hell if I'm going to just throw my hands up and say that's it - I just did other things. Things I thought were important enough to postpone other things. Things nobody else could - or would - do.

I mention it. Hell, you ask my name and you have to get a bit of history to understand it.

If you know me, you have to know that much history - sorry, but that was my twenties and thirties. Twenty years and change. Even if they were uneventful years, they'd still be history - wouldn't they?

Do I expect anything for it? It's not worth anything to anyone but me.

I wasn't looking to be famous, or successful.

Ghad. Either a saint or a loser. Why can't it just be what it was?

I wasn't lucky. Period.

And even THAT isn't okay?!

Too damn honest again. Crap.

Comments

[jrittenhouse.livejournal.com]

There's a line in the beginning of Dante's Inferno about 'midway in my life, I got lost in a dark wood' and you can take that whichever way you want...I had a similar reset in 1991, a really hard one. Turned out after some review from the future that the path I had taken from 1983-1990 was a Big Mistake, and that the reset was inevitable, considering the circumstances.

At the time of the reset I was angry at the circumstances; now, I'm more angry at myself that I got diverted like that. Shoulda had more sense, etc. When you get into a mess like that, who do you blame - yourself for being dumb enough to buy the Brooklyn Bridge, or the people who sold it to you? Sure, they were heartless thugs, but you're the dummy who fell for the sales pitch.

Now, I look back at the situation, and see that what I was supposed to do was to end up with Da Kid, and gloriosky me, I have to figure out what to do with her. When I review non-Kid situations, they all pall, and I feel honored to have Da Kid dropped on me as a Big Present To Take Care Of, but jeeze, that's a big responsibility to live up to.

Nothing wrong about being honest with yourself. Most of the problems I've seen with myself or others have been when they divert into fantasyland and don't pay any attention to realities.

I'm going to be 50 next month, and it goads me into getting off my fat tushie and taking charge and making some of the better things come true for myself. They require some application of work and effort to get to, but I know that I'll be a LOT happier with these things in gear.

I don't do new year's resolutions as such; my feeling always has been that you need to apply yourself to A Change irregardless of time phase, and not trumpet it to the skies. Well, except to say to a SO that 'this is what I seriously want to do, and this is the path that I'd like to take to it, and I'd like your feedback on it to look for glitches, and to ask for your support to get there. It's not *your* project, so I'm not asking you to kill yourself for it, but I'll appreciate your help as needed.'

Part of my reluctance to trumpet such things is that it's showoffy, immodest. Do or not do, there is no empty 'try' that becomes a joke.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I think it's the words "wasted" and "mistake" that goad me the worst.

No time was wasted. He was no mistake - and I have as many or more good memories as bad ones. I gained so much from my relationship with that little shit - no, I won't let anyone call him a wasted effort.

Just my buttons being pushed - at least I know they're there.

*grumble*