Bad Blogger

[kyburg]

When I'm talking about adoptee rights - and POV - and don't answer quickly what I'm talking about, come back to this post. Because these folks are out there...and I get it. Gold standard is http://www.bastardnation.org and don't forget it.

But if you want a simple taste of what drives this - I found a nugget of solid gold this morning from this wordpress blog:

(http://brackish.wordpress.com/)

Why Is Biology Important?

Biology is not important. Love conquers all.

I’ve been hearing this so much lately that I just want to run from the room screaming whenever someone utters these tired, overused phrases.

Just why is biology important? Well, perhaps for someone who hasn’t had to go without it, that question might seem hard to comprehend. Perhaps to that woman who can so casually dismiss the importance of having that familial connectedness with someone, anyone, whether they be of good or bad quality, this is something of little consequence. But for those of us who have lived our entire lives without it, it can be a big deal.

Adoptees are expected to occupy a specified place. It is a precarious place; we fill the hopes and dreams of our adopters and make their lives complete. We are often that last great hope, or that miracle gift, or that poor unwanted/unfortunate foundling who was saved and taken in by this gracious family. We have an obligation to fill. We are responsible for keeping our aparents’ happiness intact, for bringing that joy into their lives, for completing their happy family. We have a big role, huge pressure to perform. We must excel, be the perfect child, get good grades, make our aparents proud. If we don’t succeed, of course it is the fault of our DNA, it is bad “blood”, biology rearing its ugly head. But if we’re good? Oh, blessed be the aparents and their wonderful parenting, they did such a good job taking in this poor little waif and creating such a magnificent work.

Because heaven forbid anything good come from the adoptee herself, or that any “good” DNA exist in her cells.

But it’s a funny thing, that biology, because even through all that loving and doting, all that showering with affection and worshipping at the altar of the adoptee, some of us still commit the ultimate sin of The Search.

Horrifying, isn’t it?

I know.

So why is it that adoptees perform The Search, anyway? Why is it that Love Isn’t Enough? Is it some sort of genetic defect, brought about by our n-mother’s probable history of drug and alcohol abuse? Is it our “fantasy” of some mythical, goddess-like woman who will welcome us back home with open arms and make all our hurts go away? Or is it based on something more in reality?

I tend to think it’s more reality-based.

Have you ever watched the television show Lost? I love it; I’m a Lost junkie. So for those of you who have seen it, just imagine, if you will, that you were on that Oceanic flight. You are one of the survivors, lost on some unknown island, you have no idea where you are and you have no way to get off that island to get home. Let’s pretend a little further that the Others grabbed you, gave you a new name, refused to let you return, made you live with them as one of “their family”, wouldn’t let you have access to any part of who you used to be (even though they seem to have the capability to know everything about you and your life prior to the crash) (hmm…seems a lot like real life and sealed records!!). You are basically a prisoner, yet they profess to love you.

Oh sure, after some time, you’d probably get used to this, you may even grow to love your new “family”, but a part of you would always long to go back home, wouldn’t it? I mean, I know this is a stretch of the imagination but just play along with me here. If you were in that situation, where you were stuck with these people and knew you couldn’t ever return home, you’d probably grow quite attached and even grow to love them as a family…but you’d never stop loving your “real” family back “home” and you’d never stop longing for them. There would always be a part of you that wanted to go back and see your mother, your father, your uncles or cousins or whoever it is that was back in “civilization” where you came from.

If you can indulge me this, and really try to put yourself in there, then perhaps, just maybe, you can understand the importance of “biology” for an adoptee.

---

Forget this? Not on your life.

Comments

[dracowayfarer.livejournal.com]

We must excel, be the perfect child, get good grades, make our aparents proud. If we don’t succeed, of course it is the fault of our DNA, it is bad “blood”, biology rearing its ugly head. But if we’re good? Oh, blessed be the aparents and their wonderful parenting, they did such a good job taking in this poor little waif and creating such a magnificent work.

In psychology, we have a term for this. It's called the fundamental attribution error.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

404?

[dracowayfarer.livejournal.com]

To hasty on clicking Post Comment I guess. :P

Try this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

We are often that last great hope, or that miracle gift, or that poor unwanted/unfortunate foundling who was saved and taken in by this gracious family. We have an obligation to fill. We are responsible for keeping our aparents’ happiness intact, for bringing that joy into their lives, for completing their happy family. We have a big role, huge pressure to perform. We must excel, be the perfect child, get good grades, make our aparents proud. If we don’t succeed, of course it is the fault of our DNA, it is bad “blood”, biology rearing its ugly head. But if we’re good? Oh, blessed be the aparents and their wonderful parenting, they did such a good job taking in this poor little waif and creating such a magnificent work.

Um hello. It is equally possible that these same expectations will be put on any given BIOLOGICAL child. How classic is the image of the bio child who is expected and pressured to excel, to be "everything" for his/her family, to be "the perfect child"? That's just classic bad parenting, it has nothing to do with adoption per se.

I think that the adoptee here is doing the exact same thing she's accusing aparents of: attributing everything bad to adoption.

I have to ask this. Everything you post about adoption is ridiculously horrific (emphasis on ridiculous). Why on earth are you even considering adoption, given that you think that it is this horrible crime perpetrated on innocent children? If this is how you think of adoption:

Let’s pretend a little further that the Others grabbed you, gave you a new name, refused to let you return, made you live with them as one of “their family”, wouldn’t let you have access to any part of who you used to be (even though they seem to have the capability to know everything about you and your life prior to the crash) (hmm…seems a lot like real life and sealed records!!). You are basically a prisoner, yet they profess to love you.

...why on earth would you want to be a party to something like that?

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

It's part and parcel of a whole picture - I can remember asking my mother why she ever HAD children, as if it was something nobody would do willingly - as you never knew WHAT kind of kid you were going to end up with. (Why would anyone do that? How could you say you wanted me when you didn't even KNOW me?)

If this was an isolated case, I could weight it as such - but it's not. You will find adoptees all along the scale, but the most vociferous are on this wavelength, when it comes to actually confronting adoption as directed to them.

You are basically a prisoner, yet they profess to love you.

Boy, that's loaded. That could describe any kind of child/parent relationship...then add the whole issue of ownership, right?

I'm getting a good look at what I don't want to be - and at the same time, getting a good gut check on just what I can or can't control. Any kid I adopt? Might end up hating me, period end subject. This ain't a popularity contest, after all.

Party to any of it, party to all of it - at some level. Yay parenting.

[bluemoonpnw.livejournal.com]

Sure, bio kids get that too.
But when the adoptee doesn't fit the mold, whether that means they turned out badly or just differently, it seems there is always a few of the relations (if not the aparents themselves) decrying
the 'bad blood'. At least it has been my experience, YMMV.

Of course, I will say that the same ones who were that way in the families I've known were also very quick to find ANYTHING but the parenting and bloodlines to blame when a child who was born into the family became an ultimate asshat or criminal.

I searched out my bio mom, because my sister and I were supposed to be friends (that's my conclusion and I'm sticking to it)and although I'd like to know my paternal side, it's not likely and I lost any ambition I had to seek out more of the family once my sister and I had met. (which is what led me to my conclusion about it)
As to why someone would adopt, well, I've heard the same sort of question asked as to why someone would have a child, period. Honestly, if I'd had a C-section with my first son, he'd be an only child if I hadn't adopted or married someone else with kids. I can love any child, it doesn't have to be my blood, but I have a much lower level when it comes to how I get those kids in my life. More power to those who are willing to go the distance with it. I only wish the rules and laws had been a little more strict when I was being relinquished. Maybe I'd have gotten a family that wanted me even when I got older.

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

As to why someone would adopt, well, I've heard the same sort of question asked as to why someone would have a child, period

My question isn't why someone would adopt per se. My own parents adopted and I'm glad they did. I would adopt if it were easier to do.

My question is, why someone with as negative a view of adoption as Kyburg seems to have would want to adopt. Every article she has posted on adoption basically calls it an atrocity, depriving children of indispensible biological relationships and sticking them with heartless cruel alien families, and inevitably traumatizing the children forever. Yet she's trying to adopt herself. I am confused.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

No, I just won't sweep it all under the rug. There's a real culture of denial out there regarding the myriad impacts adoption has, both good AND bad. It's up for discussion - nothing more or less.

This was intended as an example - I was a bad blogger who didn't justify a stance elsewhere. (Someone severed contact with a biological parent, chapter and verse - thirty years after being molested by a step parent, and the biological parent completely failed because they were afraid the bills would stop getting paid...so did nothing. I would like to have that story to show these guys - and someone asked why, and I didn't come back with an example. So.)

It could easily be argued there's quite a culture of denial about other parts of this as well.

I think it's the whole POV regarding kids in general. Nobody truly gets to pick their parents after all, right?

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

I think it's the whole POV regarding kids in general. Nobody truly gets to pick their parents after all, right?

True. I guess I have a bias that I think it's very important to respect one's parents, barring situations of abuse etc. of course. I think that the poster in question seems really whiny and entitled. serious martyr complex.

[drlaurac.livejournal.com]

I find this fascinating. One of the reasons that we have not considered local adoption is that we don't want parents trying to get their kids back, Once the kids are older, they get to decide. It runs the risk of having your heart broken, if you are rejected. But that's a risk you take with a biological child as well. They may not like you. So you take good care of everyone you are blessed with, bio or adoptee, you love the hell out of them and raise them well, and they won't want to leave you.
But if they want to look into their family of origin, you may gain some support and friendship with the original family.

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

So you take good care of everyone you are blessed with, bio or adoptee, you love the hell out of them and raise them well, and they won't want to leave you.

Word.


It runs the risk of having your heart broken, if you are rejected. But that's a risk you take with a biological child as well.

True. I find the attitude of blaming and abandoning one's parents to be as distasteful in bio children as in adoptee children (again, barring circumstances of abuse, etc). If an adoptee wants to look for their bio parents, that's understandable, it's human to be curious (though my own brother has not the slightest interest in seeking his bio family, interestingly). On the other hand, I think the adoptee has an obligation to do this in a manner that is considerate of their aparents. Adoptive parents have feelings too and they love their children, adopted or bio... it would be very hard to see one's child rejecting one in favor of other "parents."

The poster Kyburg quoted clearly couldn't care less about his/her aparents. S/he is basically spitting on the love and support s/he was given. That is very offensive to me - not because she's an adopted child, I would feel the same about hearing this kind of thing from a bio child. EVERY child has an obligation of respect and consideration towards his/her parents (again, barring circumstances of abuse or neglect).

Furthermore, this particular adoptee has an "oh poor me" complex that makes me impatient. "Oh no, my parents wanted me to succeed and be the perfect child! This MUST be because I'm adopted, no parents have EVER wanted that sort of thing from a BIO child! LIFE IS HARD, WOE IS ME. If only I hadn't been forcibly ripped from the loving bosom of my bio family, I am sure life would be gumdrops and rainbows, because none of my problems could possibly have to do with ME."

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, it's important - nay, critical - to get out of your own headspace and into someone's else's.

You and I can speak this way about this blogger, from our entitled position of being bio children to our parents. Good, bad or indifferent - there is no where else WE can go to explain our origins.

But when things go wrong - and it's blamed on not being "one of us" - it's hurtful, even when meant as a helpful step.

(That family I know, with 20 kids, 15 adopted? Not one of the adoptees provides care to the parents, and the parents do not consider them a resource. Their five biological children are the only ones they count on - wonder why. The bio kids themselves consider themselves different - and yes, better. They're the "real" ones. *eyeroll*)

There's a lot of anger here. Justifiable or not, it's a reality. Most of the angriest adoptees? Just want to know. They are prevented from knowing the very basest of where they came from, and who their biological parents were - by law, they can't know. (Unless you're in one of the few states that allows you to see your original birth certificate after adoption.)

I've had more than one adoptee in the family - and some wanted to know, and some couldn't have cared less. But when you are thwarted in knowing something so very basic to your existence (forget higher power) - it can plant a very poisonous seed. Feed that with the whole "be grateful" mythos, and it can get pretty ugly.

Look at it from the whole concept of it being another "-ism" - it's not enough to be blind to it as a category. You have to acknowledge that there really is something different going on here.

Is it helpful, appropriate or useful? Not always.

And as always, you have to consider the source - neh?

[foogod.livejournal.com]

I don't know anything about that poster's home life growing up, but I do agree that they appear to have some serious perspective and entitlement issues and are, if nothing else, a hypocrite.

(It's a horrible thing to make assumptions about your child because they're adopted, but I get to make assumptions about every adoptive parent out there and make them all out to be monsters!)

That alone is enough to make me not really care what they have to say on the subject.

Yes, if you adopt, you may end up with some whiny twit with a chip on their shoulder like this after all those years. If you have a biological child, it might happen too. That's just something you have to risk and manage as best you can as part of parenting. I wouldn't go reading anything terribly special into this post, though. It really doesn't seem any different to me than any other "emo" kid talking about how horrible their parents are, and looking for some other family to belong to, except that, from what I gather, the poster doesn't even have the excuse of being a teenager to justify their emotional issues.

(as a side note, I note that the poster starts out talking about how genetics do matter, but then gives absolutely no genetically-based reasons why they actually care about finding their birth parents. It's just another smokescreen. "genetics" is being used as an excuse to justify something they're obviously wanting to do for completely different reasons. Genetics do matter, for a variety of reasons, but don't go using them as an excuse when that's not your actual motivation. It's just childish.)

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

I agree so totally completely with this comment.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, people are too close to their pain to see where it may end - ya think?

There's a ton of this stuff out there - another example?

http://ungratefullittlebastard.blogspot.com/

What I might *think* of this POV is immaterial. Everyone deserves a voice.

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

Everyone has the right to speak, but that doesn't mean that their opinions are entitled to deference. She spoke; I read; I concluded "this person is a dumbass."

There's a ton of this stuff out there - another example?

There's a ton of stuff on every kind of whiny entitlement on the internets.

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

*nods* Happy people usually don't have much to say, normally.

Entitled to anything but a fair hearing? Nope.

Thanks for stealing my post and ripping it apart

[brackish.wordpress.com (from livejournal.com)]

Uh yeah, hi. Lillie here.

While I appreciate you linking to my blog and posting my post on your site, I don't appreciate all of you ripping it, and ME, apart like a bunch of rabid dogs.

Why not take this discussion to MY BLOG if you don't like what I have to say, instead of INSULTING ME where I can't defend myself?

Disgusting.

Sorry, kyburg, not you, but the rest of you lot.

Me? ENTITLED? To what...a little fucking DIGNITY perhaps? To be treated like a fucking EQUAL human being for once in my life?

You are right...NONE of you know me, or what my life was like, so I'd appreciate the judgments to STOP.

Take it to MY BLOG, or kindly refrain from discussing my own personal words here. This is VERY BAD FORM.

Re: Thanks for stealing my post and ripping it apart

[(Anonymous)]

Oh and kyburg just FYI, I am linking this on my blog. I thought I'd extend you the courtesy of knowing that before I post about this.

Re: Thanks for stealing my post and ripping it apart

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

I am guessing like whoa at your email address - but I am trying to get a message to you.

Hon, you can quote me anytime you want. Anybody can - it's the nature of publishing your opinion in a public place. And there ain't much more public than the intarnets.

That said - you go right ahead. You have the right to - now that you found ME.

Re: Thanks for stealing my post and ripping it apart

[brackish.wordpress.com (from livejournal.com)]

Thanks kyburg...I'm not so upset over the linking as I am over this picking apart of me which I had not clue was going on. I don't like how some of these people are making totally baseless assumptions about me without my having an opportunity to defend or educate.

I appreciate you trying to get my words out (and the adoptee message)!

(frozen)

[(Anonymous)]

Hey "eyelid"


Fuck you.

(frozen)

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

Right back at ya, anonymous coward.

(frozen)

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Okay. That's enough. That belongs on email -

(You can still get a free account here just for asking - and really? Do it, come back and swim with us fishies again.)

I froze it after the last volley - take it outside and if she won't go, you can't make her.

And I'm freezing it up here after I finish - that's the beauty of LJ. I actually have some tools to keep the living room a safe place for folks to come by.