Why we have kids.
Jul. 7th, 2008 02:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kyburgSeriously. The thought has to cross your mind, past the obvious "OMG we're pregnant - okay, we're having kids."
The mindset I prefer on the subject is happy acceptance - having sex and having kids? Kinda goes together. You're okay with one, you're okay with both - win/win.
So - unexpected pregnancy doesn't exist in your world. And when you want one, you get one and that's even happier.
I wouldn't know about that. Had the sex, didn't have the kids - and then didn't have the sex for a long, long time. Then got single again. Then married again. Annnd - the pregnant thing didn't jump out and snag us.
Now, you get to think about it. Because now - it costs. Regardless of the route you decide to take, it costs. A bunch. Take a figure and add six zeros or so. Past that, it's just random details.
Somehow, paying money to make a baby didn't make sense when paying money to provide a family to a baby who needed one existed as an equally viable option. We wanted to be parents - and the more I looked at assisted reproduction, the more squicked I got. Jim? He chatted up some coworkers who went that route and just about lost his lunch. Nobody was going to do THAT to his girl!
Not appealing. We don't have to pass on the genetics - really, really.
If it didn't happen on its own, we weren't going to force it. Now, keep in mind back then we were still back in the "adoption is going to be EASY, there's a BUNCH of kids needing homes" frame of mind. That may still be so, but the ability for us to actually connect with a child who COULD be adopted by us has turned out to be, well, not so much - as it turns out. We didn't know - I'll be honest. But I'm really grateful that we didn't spend the time and money on the AR merry-go-round - we didn't have the infertility loss issues to overcome approaching adoption. It IS our first choice.
(Could I still get pregnant? Hang on - I'm getting there. Short answer - yes.)
But why have kids at all - if it doesn't happen on its own?
I'll admit - looking at the house, the yard, the stuff...gathering dust, going to waste...really bothered me. If I've been learning, and growing as a person all this time...why? If I don't pass this baton on to someone...what have I've been doing this for? My own enjoyment? Wow. Not so much!
I want people at all ages of life, in my life. I want oldsters...and kids. And people my age. And people both twenty years older and younger. I LIKE IT THAT WAY.
For me, those are good reasons to have kids. I'll be blunt and admit it - I've considered putting "torch the house with everything in it" in my will, if I survive Jim. After dealing with Cliff's things - and still am - all of the things that really don't belong to anyone else but him - please, just burn it and toss the ashes after mine. (With a few exceptions, of course.)
This just rocks me back on my heels.
"The couple were so desperate for a male heir that they spent their life savings and took out a bank loan for IVF."
The mother is 70 years old.
The got twins. One of each.
Someone is going to have to cross-check me on this one, but wouldn't an adopted child have inherited the same as a biokid in India? (Adoption in India is an incredibly scary place right now - the corruption is mind-boggling and heartbreaking. Might not have been any kind of option for these folks - as old as they were.)
Why are you having children.
Wow.
Every time I look at this, I find another hot button linked to it - property, acceptance, proof of life, immortality, employment, identity....and none of it much involved with the fact that a kid has nothing to do with your issues, and has every need that has to be met by you as the parent.
They're happy - and this is their challenge that they met with these steps. Can't judge. But the mind boggles a bit, neh?
It's not what I would do. For me, I hope to have my adopting done by age 50 - hope, mind. I'd like permission to get older, with my kids being my kids. Not be old - and trying to make things work regardless.
They're happy. Is it wrong to feel sorry for the kids? Would it be more acceptable for the parents to have accepted their lot and not fought 'the system'?
And this is all before I talk about gender preference. Messy, messy, messy.
The mindset I prefer on the subject is happy acceptance - having sex and having kids? Kinda goes together. You're okay with one, you're okay with both - win/win.
So - unexpected pregnancy doesn't exist in your world. And when you want one, you get one and that's even happier.
I wouldn't know about that. Had the sex, didn't have the kids - and then didn't have the sex for a long, long time. Then got single again. Then married again. Annnd - the pregnant thing didn't jump out and snag us.
Now, you get to think about it. Because now - it costs. Regardless of the route you decide to take, it costs. A bunch. Take a figure and add six zeros or so. Past that, it's just random details.
Somehow, paying money to make a baby didn't make sense when paying money to provide a family to a baby who needed one existed as an equally viable option. We wanted to be parents - and the more I looked at assisted reproduction, the more squicked I got. Jim? He chatted up some coworkers who went that route and just about lost his lunch. Nobody was going to do THAT to his girl!
Not appealing. We don't have to pass on the genetics - really, really.
If it didn't happen on its own, we weren't going to force it. Now, keep in mind back then we were still back in the "adoption is going to be EASY, there's a BUNCH of kids needing homes" frame of mind. That may still be so, but the ability for us to actually connect with a child who COULD be adopted by us has turned out to be, well, not so much - as it turns out. We didn't know - I'll be honest. But I'm really grateful that we didn't spend the time and money on the AR merry-go-round - we didn't have the infertility loss issues to overcome approaching adoption. It IS our first choice.
(Could I still get pregnant? Hang on - I'm getting there. Short answer - yes.)
But why have kids at all - if it doesn't happen on its own?
I'll admit - looking at the house, the yard, the stuff...gathering dust, going to waste...really bothered me. If I've been learning, and growing as a person all this time...why? If I don't pass this baton on to someone...what have I've been doing this for? My own enjoyment? Wow. Not so much!
I want people at all ages of life, in my life. I want oldsters...and kids. And people my age. And people both twenty years older and younger. I LIKE IT THAT WAY.
For me, those are good reasons to have kids. I'll be blunt and admit it - I've considered putting "torch the house with everything in it" in my will, if I survive Jim. After dealing with Cliff's things - and still am - all of the things that really don't belong to anyone else but him - please, just burn it and toss the ashes after mine. (With a few exceptions, of course.)
This just rocks me back on my heels.
"The couple were so desperate for a male heir that they spent their life savings and took out a bank loan for IVF."
The mother is 70 years old.
The got twins. One of each.
Someone is going to have to cross-check me on this one, but wouldn't an adopted child have inherited the same as a biokid in India? (Adoption in India is an incredibly scary place right now - the corruption is mind-boggling and heartbreaking. Might not have been any kind of option for these folks - as old as they were.)
Why are you having children.
Wow.
Every time I look at this, I find another hot button linked to it - property, acceptance, proof of life, immortality, employment, identity....and none of it much involved with the fact that a kid has nothing to do with your issues, and has every need that has to be met by you as the parent.
They're happy - and this is their challenge that they met with these steps. Can't judge. But the mind boggles a bit, neh?
It's not what I would do. For me, I hope to have my adopting done by age 50 - hope, mind. I'd like permission to get older, with my kids being my kids. Not be old - and trying to make things work regardless.
They're happy. Is it wrong to feel sorry for the kids? Would it be more acceptable for the parents to have accepted their lot and not fought 'the system'?
And this is all before I talk about gender preference. Messy, messy, messy.
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no subject
Date: 2008-07-07 10:26 pm (UTC)First, the 'preserve the family bloodlines at all costs' argument. Any other choice, of course, is Just. Not. Acceptable. Someone else's bastard trash? Hell, no!
Second, the 'but they'll know and you'll know' argument. Since everyone's aware that The Kid Really Isn't Yours, including the kid, everyone will be unable to bond. At best, the kid will just be a whathehellisthatone roomer.
Third, the 'if it's not blood kin, you cannot bond' routine. See above. Kid won't love you, you won't love the kid.
I got some of these from my mother, and explained in some detail with a crowbar that this was going to be the only grandchild she was ever going to have, so you'd better frickin' get used to the idea, lady.
Unfortunately, she did when Mere was very young, and Mere doesn't remember her directly. I think she'd be tickled pink by Mere, and she certainly warmed up a good deal on the subject as time went on. I think she's *exactly* the sort of grandkid my mom would have dug in a big way.
The non-attachment stuff, is, of course, utter bullcrap.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-07 10:49 pm (UTC)In all honesty, the bonding bit just blows me off too. My cousin? I trusted her with stuff NOBODY else got. Still do, matter of fact.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-08 06:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-09 05:04 am (UTC)Ethnicity was never an issue. My parents just wanted a Healthy Girl. Well, they got one, all righty!
I can't speak for anyone else, but...
Date: 2008-07-09 05:02 am (UTC)I don't remember ever not knowing that I was adopted, that my youngest brother (My dad sired 4 boys: 3 from his first wife and 1 from my mom) would, at the supermarket, bring strollers to my mom, asking if they could take (the baby) home, he wanted a baby sister that bad. I'm told that the mothers/nannies belonging to said strollers thought this was funny as all get-out, given it was the 60s and my brother wasn't even 5 yrs old during these incidents. Given the timeframe, in Los Angeles, it was Teh Ky00t.
Bonding? I call my mom almost every morning, after I drop my husband off at the bus stop, and we chat about everything. Her cancer recovery, comparing traffic perceptions between Los Angeles and Charleston, SC (where she now lives), stuff from when her mother was alive, dogs, cooking, kids... bonding? My mom and I are emotionally inseperable. My dad died in 1990, and as I type this, my eyes are tearing up, because I miss him that-fucking-much.
There was a lot of love in that house while I was growing up, and the years and miles have only made that love more special.
Yeah, in my case at least, the non-attachment stuff is complete bullcrap.