Today?

[kyburg]

Today we go to Pasadena to talk about talking about adoption. It's a class. Seriously. Actually, what I hope this turns out to be is a roundtable discussion about how other people discuss it, where everyone gets to toss ideas in. I got the handout in the binder - yes, there is a set of codewords that are "good" and others that are "bad."

*facepalms*

"birth parent" - good
"real parent" - bad

"making an adoption plan" - good
"giving a child up for adoption" - bad

And then, I got curious - remember those twins that were adopted twice, once in San Bernardino and once in Britain? Ever wonder what happened to them?

They're still in foster care. In Britain, best that I can tell. Both biological parents have been stripped of their parental rights - in the US. What a freaking mess. The details are scarce, but were reported by a faction I hadn't know about.

I ran full-face into the anti-adoption movement.

I found this lady. Folks, this is the person I need to know how to deal with when discussing adoption. My kids are going to have to deal with people like this about their adoption. And all the "good words" aren't going to be worth two cents - "adoption aborts the mother" is the rallying cry.

You know, there are very good reasons why I truly believe that every person has the biological right to know who their parents were. Period. I have no interest in blocking that right in my own family.

I do not, however, believe that biology should override each and every single decision regarding procreation, or raising a child. It does provide the default - but so much sturm and drang comes over dealing with situations involving children when the biology doesn't provide decent care after the fact, and then what happens when you try to compensate for it (foster care, legal system, adoption) can nearly always be considered less than optimal.

You come into this as an adoptive parent, you always come into it second-best. Yeah, let's talk about adoption.

But so help me. If this is a class on white-washing the whole issue, I'm not going to sit there with my mouth shut.

Comments

[caitlin.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I have this odd feeling that the anti-adoption people are also the most virulently anti-choice.

I could be wrong, though.

Good luck today.

C.

[http://users.livejournal.com/little_e_/]

The phrase 'real parent' or any variation thereon always makes me want to throttle the person who utters it. My 'real' father is the man who taught me to play catch, the man who got me ice cream when I had dental surgery, the man who took me to my first dance, etc.

He is not the man who strangled my mother with a telephone cord while she was pregnant with me and kicked her down a flight of stairs. He is not the man who signed away his custody, never paid a penny in child support, and abandoned me when I was eight.

Blaaaarg.

you know...

[tomlemos.livejournal.com]

I really think that they should have some adopted adults talk to the folks about adoption.

My boyfriend is adopted. He makes no bones about it, he'll be the first to say something.

As for adoption aborting the mother, in his case, he's glad she didn't raise him. He knows who his birth mother is and has met her. The birth mother has NO idea who his father is. He wants nothing to do with his birth mother, he holds no ill-will against her at all. That's just the way he wants it.

He'd like us to adopt some day even.

[ecstaticlght.livejournal.com]

There are people out there that give birth and have no business being parents. I'm not talking normal messing up like we all do parents, I'm talking ichy, brutal, insane people that should not be given even a chance to raise a child. There are people that give birth, because they believe in the right of the infant to live, but KNOW they should not parent that child. I could go on and on and would LOVE for someone like that woman to come spend some time in the agency I work for. I want her to see the disgusting lives some of these children have endured because of their birth parents...ok grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

You go on to that meeting and open your mouth wide if someone tries to screw with your right as a responsible human being that wishes to give a child that needs a home that is safe, secure, loving and best of all sane.

[djstatick.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I lose my faith in humans when I see stuff like this...

[http://users.livejournal.com/little_e_/]

I only poked around a moment or two before finding one of their 'articles' which had been apparently ganked from the Weekly World... You know, the prestigeous paper which brought you Batboy, the human/bat crossbreed.

[bluemoonpnw.livejournal.com]

There are people having children that shouldn't have them.
There are people adopting children that shouldn't.
(less now than in the past, but I'm sure it's still happening)
Only time will tell which ones are really going to make decent parents.
The adoption procedures in most places will lower the chances of
a kid being in a bad home, but it won't guarantee it.
That said, as crappy as my adoptive home was, it would have been worse growing up in my birth family. I have great sympathy for my siblings.
But to be absolutely anti adoption? What kind of ignorant hemmarhoids are they?

[technoshaman.livejournal.com]

Once you've been approved, how difficult is it for them to take that from you? If (as I hope it is) it's pretty darn difficult? Go loaded for bear. The one side shouldn't be allowed to slam you real parents (the ones doing all the work around... and the other should not whitewash the truth for the sake of being PC.

[secanth.livejournal.com]

I *am* an adopted child. I know who my birth mother was, and in fact, I know exactly *why* she gave me up for adoption. ('Making an adoption plan'? What am I, a stock portfolio??) I agree with her reasons. She was 16, unmarried, and the man had lied through his teeth to her about being married and led her to believe he was going to marry *her*. Had she *not* given me up, both of our lives would no doubt have been hell. (*Her* father considered her a 'whore' for getting pregnant.) As it was, I ended up with parents who...while not perfect...I love dearly and who loved me. She was able to go on with her life, marry, and have three wonderful boys who have all turned into wonderful men...something she likely wouldn't have been able to do while working two or three jobs to support the two of us.

Am I pro-adoption? Hell, yes. Did I ever hide the fact that I was a 'chosen child'? Hell, no. I was proud that my parents decided to bring me into their loving home. Would I tell the anti-adoption crowd to stick it where the sun don't shine? You betcha, and I wouldn't be polite.

[secanth.livejournal.com]

Oh, and one of those wonderful boys she loved and raised? HE was one of a dozen foster children she took in during her life, and who she and her husband evenually adopted.

I've mentioned that <lj user="chronovius"> and I are adopted, yes?

[snobahr.livejournal.com]

I was adopted because my father kept siring boys, and my mom had problems carrying children to term (she was my dad's second wife - he had 3 boys by his first wife, and my brother the paramedic was the only child that came to term). So, they got a girl in the most sure-fire method - they filled out paperwork.

chronovius was adopted because his father kept shooting blanks.

We are both well-pleased with our adopted families (even if we bitch about'em - that's what family is for). Our parents love us, and we truly love them. It's not DNA that makes a family, it's heart.

[dudemungus.livejournal.com]

I think a bug chunk of the anti adoption group are part of the bigger "anti sex" group. ANything that makes a mistake or accident fixable is wrong to them, be it birth control, abortion or adoption. It always struck me adoption was the best possible solution for an unplanned pregnancy, if keeping the child is not an option.

It's common enough now to meet folks who are adopted, and who sought out their bilogicals (the slang term) and with mixed results. My best friend met his birth mother and she was in a similar situation to "little E"--a nice lady who got pregnant too young and had to give the child up. He started to track her down after he got married, and found out that she had been tracking him down for some time. Very happy ending, he loves his mom, he loves his birth mother the two families kind of merged, very happy.

I did meet a mom who was contacted by her biological son--it went less well. He turned out an anti government/conspiracy nut/ku klux klansman. Not such a happy ending.

If it helps any, my friend had sort of romantic notions of meeting his mom, and it kind of threw his own family into turmoil--he started calling her "mom" in front of his adoptive mom, and kind of thoughtless things like that. But after time wore on, he found his balance, and remembered he respects and loves his "real" family(the one that adopted him) and has always said he has one thing a lot of kids don't--he knows his parents wanted him, because of the hoops they had to jump through to adopt him.

Your child will be raised with the knowledge that you guys went through hell, and will know your only goal was to have this child. How many of us "real kids" get to say that without a doubt? Would my mom have had a family if she wasn't pressured by the times and her peers?

[kiyone.livejournal.com]

For some reason, this discussion reminded me of a girl on a board I visit who didn't find out she was adopted until she was 18. She didn't seem bitter.

If you can stand hearing from one more adoptee...

[murphymom.livejournal.com]

...I didn't have the patience to wade through that website to find out what those dipsh*ts are proposing to replace adoption. I can't express my utter disgust at them hijacking a genuine issue (open access to records) in order to promote their own distorted agenda.
I connected with my bio-mom in 2000 - 50 years after she was forced by my grandfather to give me up. She was barely 15 when I was born - keeping me probably would have been a disaster for both of us; but being able to keep in some sort of touch over the years might have been very healing for both of us.
I think what best illustrates how I feel is something that happened while I was visiting with Mother (she is "Mother" - my adoptive mother is "Mom") a few summers back. We were watching the Olympics from Athens, and Nia Vardalos (the actress from "My Big, Fat Greek Wedding) was commenting on having brought her parents to Greece to see the Games. "You only get one set of parents," was what she said. I commented, "I don't know - some of us get multiple sets." And then Mother and I looked at each other and smiled.
I've been blessed with two families.

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

I don't know... I do get a bit miffed when people ask about my brother's "real" family.

we ARE his real family.

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

If I had been forced to keep my daughter when she was born, she would not be alive now.

She had wonderful parents. I am eternally grateful for them.

[fufaraw]

I'm an adopted child with biological children. Married to another person, and in better financial circumstances, I'd have adopted as many as I could provide for.

I grew up with the story of "my adoption" along with Goldilocks and Red Riding Hood, it never seemed at all odd to me. I never wondered about my birth parents, but I did daydream of being reunited with an identical twin sister, until I realized I'd have to share my room and my stuff. After that I was content to be an only child. My adoptive parents had relatively small extended families, and I've lost touch with all but a few of them after my dad's death a decade ago.

I have a horror of being "contacted" by birth family. Those decisions were made before I was born, and I respect those decisions and live by them. I've been asked what I'd do if I was contacted. I think I'd agree to an intermediary, answer some basic questions. But realistically, much of the joy and every moment of anguish I've had on the planet has been related to my spouse, parents, or children. I'd go looking for, or happily acquire more family, why?

The solace I've found is in friends and "chosen family".

Every case, and every person's experience is different. I'm just adding mine as another POV.