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kyburgToday we go to Pasadena to talk about talking about adoption. It's a class. Seriously. Actually, what I hope this turns out to be is a roundtable discussion about how other people discuss it, where everyone gets to toss ideas in. I got the handout in the binder - yes, there is a set of codewords that are "good" and others that are "bad."
*facepalms*
"birth parent" - good
"real parent" - bad
"making an adoption plan" - good
"giving a child up for adoption" - bad
And then, I got curious - remember those twins that were adopted twice, once in San Bernardino and once in Britain? Ever wonder what happened to them?
They're still in foster care. In Britain, best that I can tell. Both biological parents have been stripped of their parental rights - in the US. What a freaking mess. The details are scarce, but were reported by a faction I hadn't know about.
I ran full-face into the anti-adoption movement.
I found this lady. Folks, this is the person I need to know how to deal with when discussing adoption. My kids are going to have to deal with people like this about their adoption. And all the "good words" aren't going to be worth two cents - "adoption aborts the mother" is the rallying cry.
You know, there are very good reasons why I truly believe that every person has the biological right to know who their parents were. Period. I have no interest in blocking that right in my own family.
I do not, however, believe that biology should override each and every single decision regarding procreation, or raising a child. It does provide the default - but so much sturm and drang comes over dealing with situations involving children when the biology doesn't provide decent care after the fact, and then what happens when you try to compensate for it (foster care, legal system, adoption) can nearly always be considered less than optimal.
You come into this as an adoptive parent, you always come into it second-best. Yeah, let's talk about adoption.
But so help me. If this is a class on white-washing the whole issue, I'm not going to sit there with my mouth shut.
*facepalms*
"birth parent" - good
"real parent" - bad
"making an adoption plan" - good
"giving a child up for adoption" - bad
And then, I got curious - remember those twins that were adopted twice, once in San Bernardino and once in Britain? Ever wonder what happened to them?
They're still in foster care. In Britain, best that I can tell. Both biological parents have been stripped of their parental rights - in the US. What a freaking mess. The details are scarce, but were reported by a faction I hadn't know about.
I ran full-face into the anti-adoption movement.
I found this lady. Folks, this is the person I need to know how to deal with when discussing adoption. My kids are going to have to deal with people like this about their adoption. And all the "good words" aren't going to be worth two cents - "adoption aborts the mother" is the rallying cry.
You know, there are very good reasons why I truly believe that every person has the biological right to know who their parents were. Period. I have no interest in blocking that right in my own family.
I do not, however, believe that biology should override each and every single decision regarding procreation, or raising a child. It does provide the default - but so much sturm and drang comes over dealing with situations involving children when the biology doesn't provide decent care after the fact, and then what happens when you try to compensate for it (foster care, legal system, adoption) can nearly always be considered less than optimal.
You come into this as an adoptive parent, you always come into it second-best. Yeah, let's talk about adoption.
But so help me. If this is a class on white-washing the whole issue, I'm not going to sit there with my mouth shut.
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-20 09:34 pm (UTC)It's common enough now to meet folks who are adopted, and who sought out their bilogicals (the slang term) and with mixed results. My best friend met his birth mother and she was in a similar situation to "little E"--a nice lady who got pregnant too young and had to give the child up. He started to track her down after he got married, and found out that she had been tracking him down for some time. Very happy ending, he loves his mom, he loves his birth mother the two families kind of merged, very happy.
I did meet a mom who was contacted by her biological son--it went less well. He turned out an anti government/conspiracy nut/ku klux klansman. Not such a happy ending.
If it helps any, my friend had sort of romantic notions of meeting his mom, and it kind of threw his own family into turmoil--he started calling her "mom" in front of his adoptive mom, and kind of thoughtless things like that. But after time wore on, he found his balance, and remembered he respects and loves his "real" family(the one that adopted him) and has always said he has one thing a lot of kids don't--he knows his parents wanted him, because of the hoops they had to jump through to adopt him.
Your child will be raised with the knowledge that you guys went through hell, and will know your only goal was to have this child. How many of us "real kids" get to say that without a doubt? Would my mom have had a family if she wasn't pressured by the times and her peers?