w00t w00t booyah

SNARK MODE=ON

I'm more than a bit out of sorts tonight. I'm going to call your attention to two passings of close, dear ones - not of mine, but in my circle. Dear ones of dear ones, as it were.

Shelton Jackson. AIDS.

Jennie Sutton. Cystic Fibrosis.

Half my age. Younger than Cliff when he left.

People mention what fighters they were. How terrible it was they 'lost the battle.'

As if.

Guys, having a disease process? Isn't a matter of a fight - because it's not, and it never will be.

You don't get to fight. This isn't a battle. You don't even get to defend yourself.

You get handed something to endure and deal with. You get something that doesn't care, doesn't even throw a punch at you - before it steals everything in your life, and then takes you life without batting an eye. It's insanity to even consider you will get a fair shot. A fair fight? *laughs*

This drives me nuts, because it implies that if you don't 'win?' You failed. You didn't do something. You didn't get help from the Right People. You were - unlucky. You can fill in the blank. Shoot, go ahead - co-op God. For good or ill. It's done. You know what it sounds like, you've heard it.

Here's your warning. You do this around me, you're going to get it.

You get to work as hard as you ever have - for vanishing returns. Maybe no returns at all, but you do it anyway because you want out of this nightmare and that's the only way that looks promising. You live in an acute awareness of being that is both a curse and a blessing. You wish you could have the day of a lifetime - because it could be your last, and tomorrow could be worse - and have to deal with the reality that this day has more suck (and no money) in it than anything else, and you can't. But you endure it - hoping tomorrow will be different. But today, you enjoy the sunlight. The rain. Whatever you can grab - because this is your time, the only time you are going to get. And you know you must make the most of it. It's all you'll get. Vitally aware.

Vitally aware you're getting the short end, but you make the best of it. It is what it is.

Fight. Fight what? Something that sits on your chest, sucks your blood, kills you from the inside out, short-circuits your nervous system, plays with your body chemistry like some science project from 6th grade, what? Oh yeah, that'll work.

Shelton did something wonderful. He told everyone what it was like. He took it in, hoped for the best and just did what he could. Hope's Voice. Dear God.

There's little braver than enduring a transplant, in my book. To consider it, do it and when it stops working? To consider doing it again? And why?

She failed the saving throw on the genetics. Yeah, I'd give the whole mess the finger. Cliff certainly did often enough.

I remember the absolute smugness Cliff had on his 35th birthday. He'd made it. He wouldn't see two more birthdays - but he'd made it to 35 when everyone said he wouldn't.

Fight. You wish. You manage to endure and survive these things, if you can. That's all.

Let me tell you something. This ain't no dress rehearsal. This is all you're going to get. One day, one hour, one moment at a time - and when it's gone, it's gone for good. It's not coming back for you to try again, this moment. Not ever.

So don't be surprised if I'm willing to do whatever I must to avoid being unhappy a single moment if I don't have to. Regret, sadness, whatever - those things are part of a healthy acceptance of life and its realities. But if depression rolls around? No. I spent too much time there already - and I know too much now to ever go back there. I don't deserve it. Nobody does.

And it's a fucking lie. Test those boundaries, push that envelope - it'll give. Promise. You won't die - of fail, embarrassment or panic. Hang in there, grab on by your fingernails and don't let go. Look for what is true and unchanging - the rest of the world is no more perfect than you are. Things fall down. It's okay. You deal. You move on. Let it be. It'll be okay, really. Trust me. Trust yourself.

I want to live my life in near exhaustion - every day as full as I can make it, curious about what's around the corner and willing to give it a go, even if I fall on my face. Like nobody's watching (and really, who is?). Hard to hit. Always in motion.

I'll never feel sorry for you if I see you need a shove back onto your feet more. Come on - your life is calling, can you hear it? Are you listening for someone else to relay the message instead (don't)? Get up, pay no attention to that bullshit hiding behind the curtain whispering threats. Deal. Cope. Work. (It's all just work, didn't anyone tell you that?)

You don't need anyone to tell you you're awesome. You just are. Accept it, tuck it close to your heart of hearts and never forget it. You're the first one to know this - nobody else can make it stick if you don't hear that from the bottom of your soul.

Strive. Get out in front and make it look like a parade. Fake it. You'll make it, eventually. No other choice - if you keep at it.

But this is IT. No do-overs, no going back to make changes. No rewrites.

Do your best.
Clean up your own messes.
Be aware of your impact on others.

People rock. You rock and you don't even know it yet.

Now get to work.

SNARK MODE=OFF

New picture over at xanxanbell.

I'm hoping against hope that's his beloved foster father.

And he is still wee - very wee. If this is a year apart, there's a bit of change, but not a whole lot.

New clothes, and maybe they're getting him new shoes.

Oh man. I'll have a picture of him for my boy.

Heart nearly full, guys. Like whoa.

Jim made the connection - I didn't notice it right away.

Yesterday, when we got the word?

Cliff's birthday.

I told you that there was a blue baby blanket in this year's fukubukuro bag? Not yellow, not pink, purple or green. Blue.

I left prior gig days before the 10th anniversary of Cliff's passing - when the writing on the wall could no longer be ignored. (Cliff was a big stickler for setting boundaries with employers. You didn't work overtime for no good reason, and you worked to make a living, not have a life. He would NOT have approved of what I went through last summer. Not one bit.)

But he always thought working hard was the key to everything.

I just got news that has me floored.

New boss at new gig?

He and his wife pooled their frequent flyer mile accounts and got us our tickets. All I have to buy is Xander's one-way back. Hotels and train tickets. Taxi cab fare.

STUNNED. Someone make me an icon. There are flies buzzing in and out of my slack jawed mouth right now.

The flights are even nonstops, direct.

I know how to say thanks in Chinese - Cliff taught me. So far, it's the only Chinese I know. He learned it when he was working with the Taiwanese on missle projects in the 70's and 80's.

I know when Cliff's been by. Shit happens. THIS kind of stuff. (Let alone being insanely lucky on a regular basis. Stupidly lucky.)

BUH.

Jim made the connection - I didn't notice it right away.

Yesterday, when we got the word?

Cliff's birthday.

I told you that there was a blue baby blanket in this year's fukubukuro bag? Not yellow, not pink, purple or green. Blue.

I left prior gig days before the 10th anniversary of Cliff's passing - when the writing on the wall could no longer be ignored. (Cliff was a big stickler for setting boundaries with employers. You didn't work overtime for no good reason, and you worked to make a living, not have a life. He would NOT have approved of what I went through last summer. Not one bit.)

But he always thought working hard was the key to everything.

I just got news that has me floored.

New boss at new gig?

He and his wife pooled their frequent flyer mile accounts and got us our tickets. All I have to buy is Xander's one-way back. Hotels and train tickets. Taxi cab fare.

STUNNED. Someone make me an icon. There are flies buzzing in and out of my slack jawed mouth right now.

The flights are even nonstops, direct.

I know how to say thanks in Chinese - Cliff taught me. So far, it's the only Chinese I know. He learned it when he was working with the Taiwanese on missle projects in the 70's and 80's.

I know when Cliff's been by. Shit happens. THIS kind of stuff. (Let alone being insanely lucky on a regular basis. Stupidly lucky.)

BUH.

I need to turn my pesto spaghetti red.

Happy Birthday, Cliff. What would this have been, your 47th?

You might have missed the wii, but you also missed George II. Wherever you are, be happy -

I got it from here, husband. But I never turn down a helping hand, and you've provided plenty of them.

Thanks.

Majel Barrett has left the building.

I told you I shared a OB-GYN with her, didn't I? Guess I can tell you that, now.

There really wasn't much more surreal than getting in the stirrups for your yearly Pap and hearing her cheery tones from down the hall.

And she was always happy. She found people an unending source of delight - much like her late husband.

Guess I got a trip downtown to make to light a candle. I certainly did when her husband died, while I was in Switzerland. Yeah, I went in a cathedral and lit a candle for the Great Bird. I can do no less for his lady.

Gotta run.

Majel Barrett has left the building.

I told you I shared a OB-GYN with her, didn't I? Guess I can tell you that, now.

There really wasn't much more surreal than getting in the stirrups for your yearly Pap and hearing her cheery tones from down the hall.

And she was always happy. She found people an unending source of delight - much like her late husband.

Guess I got a trip downtown to make to light a candle. I certainly did when her husband died, while I was in Switzerland. Yeah, I went in a cathedral and lit a candle for the Great Bird. I can do no less for his lady.

Gotta run.

It's Diwali. And I haven't seen my guys since I left the company, and it smarts a bit.

You'd think I'd learn - people who didn't have time to talk when it was mission critical for work, really won't have time to talk socially when there's nothing in it for them (and might even be seen as suspicious).

It's not me.

And I have another busy night ahead of me.

*sighs*

I was just a smidge more eloquent last year.

Yup. It's that time again. This year, it's a nice round number.

I took catsonmars with me to visit Cliff and pay my regards. It entailed collecting his rocks and returning them to his headstone, brushing it off and making sure it was still in good repair.

I brought sake (and asked Tommy to bring some bread to keep me safe to drive) and we toasted him, and left some for him behind. I also brought sunflowers - I remembered how much Cliff hated roses and fussy flowers. If I could have collected some wildflowers, that would have been great. But so help me, he was going to have someone decorate the place at least once a year. I saw no evidence anyone else had been there since I'd last visited, and that makes me sad.

I got the impression he was watching. But I also think he's gotten what he always wanted from me - I've gone on with my life, and he's good with that.

I also spent most of the day remembering how much of our marriage he spent out of work. Months at a time. If you added it up, it was years...and so much of our lives were impacted by it. Hell, the whole stay in Switzerland was attributable to that - so while it was awful, stressful and scary, it did do some things for my life that would never have happened otherwise.

Yes, it's been ten years. I feel every day of it today.

I was just a smidge more eloquent last year.

Yup. It's that time again. This year, it's a nice round number.

I took catsonmars with me to visit Cliff and pay my regards. It entailed collecting his rocks and returning them to his headstone, brushing it off and making sure it was still in good repair.

I brought sake (and asked Tommy to bring some bread to keep me safe to drive) and we toasted him, and left some for him behind. I also brought sunflowers - I remembered how much Cliff hated roses and fussy flowers. If I could have collected some wildflowers, that would have been great. But so help me, he was going to have someone decorate the place at least once a year. I saw no evidence anyone else had been there since I'd last visited, and that makes me sad.

I got the impression he was watching. But I also think he's gotten what he always wanted from me - I've gone on with my life, and he's good with that.

I also spent most of the day remembering how much of our marriage he spent out of work. Months at a time. If you added it up, it was years...and so much of our lives were impacted by it. Hell, the whole stay in Switzerland was attributable to that - so while it was awful, stressful and scary, it did do some things for my life that would never have happened otherwise.

Yes, it's been ten years. I feel every day of it today.